Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Whole New Level

When I found out I was pregnant with 2.0, I was shocked beyond shocked beyond shocked. I did not handle myself as graceful as I would have liked. My thoughts/emotions were all over the place. Rocked to the Core. Mad, Sad, Happy, Shocked, excited, scared ... Mostly Scared ... Scared of losing friends, Scared of losing the baby, scared of what would happen to MT, scared of how I would provide for another body, Scared of how will I care for a newborn and a toddler if this pregnancy makes it .... I was scared and tired.
When I gave birth to MT, I told myself that I needed to step up and move on. Remember being pregnant but not expect it to ever happen again. In my mind, I wanted myself to mourn the thoughts of adding to our family.In the hospital, right after his delivery, I had talked to E about mentally preparing myself for never being pregnant again. I was trying to work through all those feelings/desires/dreams. I had MT and I made deals about "if only's" and I was ready to cash in my part of the deal because MT arrived safely,happily and healthy. This is what I asked for .. he was here and I was ready to own up to all those promises and deals I had offered up to the Universe. I was trying to make good on my request or deal per se.

Also, MT was 7 month's old and starting to be mobile and teething, OH the teething .. and the sleepless nights and the adjustment from no babies to 1 baby and learning to lose my selfishness and trying to find time to be that wife/house keeper, daughter, sister I used to be.... Then We found out. I panicked. I FREAKED OUT. I had no idea how to be honest with myself or anyone at that matter. I was Torn up over this. Basically ALL based on Fear. Fear is MEAN and gripping.

Getting pregnant, while breastfeeding, after yrs of infertility was humbling. Frightening, Exciting, Moving, Unsure of where I fit in, Where it meant I fit in ..Etc. I felt like I was going to be "kicked out of the club" .. And to some, I have been kicked out.. That's what makes the world go round. Everyone feels differently about this stuff and I am ok with that.

I say all of this because - Here I am, in a weird predicament Again. Birth Control. Do I need it? Do I want it? What if this is my chance to get pregnant again? What if I don't take measures to prevent it, Will I expect to get pregnant again? What If I do not get pregnant again and we do not prevent it? What if we prevent it and I do not get pregnant after we decided to try again? What if we try to prevent it and we get pregnant anyway? It's flirtatious. A tease. A Taunt. It takes your mind to questions that I NEVER thought I would have to ask/answer. And if I try to avoid my mind, People will ask: "Do you want more kids?" You going for that "girl"? "You need to try for a girl!" "Oh, You need a few more".

So here I am, Trying to ignore these thoughts. Appointment made Friday for an IUD because it is my only option for BC that my dr will give me.

14 comments:

Christy said...

From the outside looking in, you are as good as gold! You've handled everything, surprises and all, with honesty and grace, and for that I'm in awe of you. I can understand the jumbled feelings you have now. I, too, have jumbled feelings, but they are just different from yours. We all have them in some way, I suppose. I'll wish and pray for peace for you as you navigate your next decisions/non-decisions.

Caro said...

good luck with the decisions.

Rebecca said...

It's so hard, right? I got the IUD (and love it BTW) because we always wanted 2 kids, we got 2 kids (by the skin of our teeth), and we didn't want to tempt fate. Plus, Husband told me I'm not getting any younger...a$$! Good luck...go with your heart...the IUD can always be taken out (that's why I liked the idea).

Heather said...

Oh the mind games...they never go away, do they?

I hope you find a peaceful place.

uncomplicateme said...

Why is the IUD the only option your dr will give you? I'm hung up on that part because I got on the "mini-pill" - Er.rin when BF and have been on it ever since because I love that it doesn't make me feel crazy like the normal pill does. I know an IUD is removable (and I hope to have one someday so I don't have to do the daily pill thing) but it seems really "permanent" and excessive when you haven't made your mind up yet.

I know your thoughts are jumbled, and I can only offer what I try to do to clear my mind when I'm feeling confused. And that's to get down to the root of the part you have control over. Unfortunately you don't have any control over actual getting pregnant part, but you can start to move towad decding if you're ready for #3 right now. If you're not ready now, but might be in a few months, you can use BC for a few months and reasses when the time comes. It's never that cut and dry though, I know.

Wishing you peace! xo

HereWeGoAJen said...

Doesn't it feel ridiculous to be trying NOT to have a baby?

Let me know how the IUD is, I've been thinking about that too.

kimbosue said...

When I'm finished BF'ing, I'm considering an IUD also. Let me know how it is.
It does feel weird to not be trying again. And also it hurts me to the core to answer the question "Aren't you having another?"

FattyPants said...

Ugh, when I had my iud placed it felt like I was shot in the lower back. SUPER painful. But most people say its quick and painless. Even if it does hurt its a great form of bc. Never have to worry about it and it very rarely fails. Good luck with your decision.

Photogrl said...

It is crazy to have to think about birth control.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find some peace.

((HUGS))

Jen said...

Farah, you have done everything with grace! I'm with you on being "kicked out the club". I have 3 beautiful boys and couldn't be more blessed. That being said, in 10 yrs, I never once conceived on my own w/o fertility assistance. But, I am mentally, emotionally and physically ready to say my family is complete. dh and I decided for him to have "the procedure" just in case. Stranger things have happened. Good luck with your decision.

Katie said...

Hugs.

Courtney said...

First off, I think you are an amazing person...both as a mother and a friend (and a wife, too, btw). Even if you've felt driven by fear--which I totally get--you've carried yourself so well.

I'm with uncomplicateme, why is the iud the only choice? Is it for medical reasons? My dr. gave me the "mini-pill" as well due to bf'ing, but I'm horrible with remembering to take pills, so I quit. We haven't really been "intimate" (sorry, tmi) so I haven't been worried about getting pg. Although, I will tell you that I was just talking to my mom this morning about when/if we will have another. My thoughts on it are so jumbled that I am choosing to put it aside for now. I'm not even having cycles right now (b/c of bf'ing) so I can't even know if my body is gonna decide to be "normal" or not:-)

Whatever your decision, you will be a great mom still...a great wife still...a great friend still...and you are so loved by my family, even miles away. I get the "circle" thing, and it personally hurts...especially when I still don't feel part of the "other circle." But, at the end of things, I have what I've always wanted, and I am happy at that.

(((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

I hope you find a path that brings you the most peace and the least amount of regret. :-)

Becky (AKA TeamWinks)

Searching said...

Hope you come back soon! I want to hear how you and those monkeys are doing! I was on the mini-pill for 18mo and bled almost nonstop, leading to 3y of monthly blood draws and the most God-awful iron pills (seriously, went through ALL the PO they have invented!) to restore my iron. Took it the same time every night, too! I'm not a huge fan of it, other than you can BF on it. Hope you and yours are well!!!