I think too much. I over analyze, I plan it all out. I go over the plan a bagillion and 11 times in my head. I know all escape routes, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans. I know where all the restrooms are. Sipping Cups, Check. Diapers, Check. Bobby pins, Paper clips and duct tape, Check. What I am saying is. I Plan .. Well, actually what I should say is that I Over plan. Ok, I confess. It carries over in most of my aspects of living.
I am a thinker. Yes, An Over thinker. I spend a lot of time in the present but not in the moment. I say the wrong things, or I say/do nothing because I am mulling over what I should have said, could have said, or did I say the right thing? What or how will I react better next time. Did that funny (to me) comment get delivered in the right contents. Did I offend, OH crap. Maybe they took it the wrong way. Nervous and Annoying much?!
Do I have to admit that I like to please and be helpful. I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose that matters. I Dream big, I love big. But, I do not tend to live big. When I am stuck in this
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. phase, It affects every part of me. I have been stuck in that phase for months.
It pisses me off so much. When something is on my mind, it consumes me, Until It doesn't. I am not exactly sure why. But then one day/moment, I feel like I have come to grips with it and am able to move on. But not a moment before. I will Beat the worry and subject to a pulp ..Over and over. I will mull over it. I will work it to death.
I was reading a book this week and the main character had this uncanny ability to compress things (or oppress things- depending on your perspective)She had many burdens but she did not have a want to discuss them. She could keep a Secret. I am pretty much the polar opposite. I am a talker througher. Even if the talking is in my head (yes, I talk to myself). I can keep a secret. But not a burden. I must discuss it until it is lifeless and overplayed.
But, this past week, I feel myself slowing snapping out of the funk. It's weird to even say this, But I actually HATE that part of me. O hate that I allow it to bog me down obsessing over it all. It's like a skipping record that you can not turn off. Funniest part about this quality - I HATE it in others and have very few patience over it. I have very few patience for myself (and others) when I am in this phase.
And when I finally start snapping out of it , I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology. Somewhere between last post and this post, I just feel stronger. Well, In the since that I do not feel like I am going to break down and cry 23 hrs of a day.
Nothing has changed exponentially. I do feel lighter, mentally speaking. Today while preparing dinner, I did realize that I felt as if I did lose some emotional baggage. And, I am just ready to move on with life ... whenever that may be.
*did you get the Friend's reference? Did you?
