when things stop making my head spin, I'll be back

until then, I am packing and moving (to an unknown location) in 48 hrs

R E S P E C T, Find out what it means to me

You are not going to believe this:

Back story - I found a rental on Cra.igs.li.st over a yr ago for a house in the perfect location for us. Everything was just lining up the way we needed it. Then, the more interaction w the landlords, I started senses flags. Not enough to blow the deal but noticed that she has some issues. Then, I thought, well who doesn't have issues ... Let's work it through. I mean, how bad can it get ..... It is a remodeled historical home in a great neighborhood.

We ended up finding out that the owners attend the same church I have been going to since I was born. I was baptized, went to preschool, youth groups and was married there. They just relocated a few yrs ago and since I have had children, we have not been regular attenders as I would like to be. So we only knew each others faces. The wife is a licensed counselor/psychologist. The house was her grandfathers. We are only the 3rd family ( 2nd renters that they ever had ever)

We signed/paid everything and started to move in. For the first week, her and her husband would be here for hours "fixing things" and watching us move in and "offering their help" ... {Ok Whatev, just grab a box} ... Then they wanted to tell me how I could place my furniture... WHAT .....{We'll move it when they are gone} ...... Then, they started seeing things "they did not want in the house". Luckily, it was most things I could live w/o and there are 2 attached porches, SO we can use them out there. We worked around then for 16 days. They would stop by and "check in" {AKA SPY}... walk around the place and comment on where things were placed .. on the Function/Flow/Order of how we were doing it. What they suggested being a better solution, I kept repeating "We are getting a great deal", I will put up w/ this for a while and the newness will wear off and they will go away ........ (we have had a few other issues with them but have been renting a long enough time to know that there are always some renter/tenant problems everywhere - so figured we give it a go because it was mostly all Pros on the pro/con list)

Months passed, the daily visits become daily drive bys, they will pull out and put back my trash cans on trash days. Weekly, they stopped in to mow the grass. It became more bareable. But, As we always were able to remain friendly, the cordialness was strained, . We paid rent every month on the 1st w/o fail. We were never late. We have never broken anything, never needed anything repaired. never complained of anything, Had no issues. BUT, you could tell that Something was not right. They were not happy w/ us. The Wife has made MANY MANY MANY attempts to offer to come over and help me sort clothes, get organized, scrub floors, rearrange closets, clean porches, set up the house differently because she thinks the Flow I have is not the best option ... etc... I have laughed it off. It just seemed invasive and Judgy and I wanted to avoid that. Plus, It slightly offended me.

She asked us in March if we were going renew our lease. After a brief discussions and I found out that our old lease/rent would stay the same, We agreed to renew in June.

3 Days ago, She sends me an text message requesting a meeting to discuss her expectations for the upcoming yr. Told me to check my email there was a syllables and notes that we would be going over and She wanted me to prepare and take notes also. Asked if my children had a place to go so the adults come talk. I sent her an email back stating that I had an hr window on Thursday and the kids would be here

Yesterday, the meeting happened, She came in w a notepad and a pen. Her pen was out of ink so She asked if I had one. She told me that she was a Social Worker for yrs and a Counselor and she was coming in to give us a meeting, Like a Life Coach ..... W T F ...........

She also brought a photo album to help portray her blood, sweat, and tears that she poured into this house 5 yrs ago. She continued on reciting each and every job/task that has been done to the remodel including the price of each task (she has told us this before ....over and over again in the beginning) She kept interjecting the words respectful, and how we were not being respectful and gracious of her hard work... because in my words, My house was not museum ready. We Live In it. I have 2 children Under 3, a husband that works nights, Low priorities of keeping an outside porch swept off, and ALL toys picked up constantly.

She continued to explain how she has offered several times to organize and clean for me, but I do not take her help... And that is disrespectful..... She knows that I do clean, but in her standards, It is not the b est job that could be done. And long term, it needs to be done better. She went on and on about how she holds this house to higher standards than her own house. She needs to make sure the fan blades, porches, baseboards, are vacuumed and kept clean ...Dustfree .. (did I mention I live in Fl - the Hot, Swampy, Humid Dust bowl of a state) The grout needs to be kept ed white and mildew free at all times .....

I took a lot of her crap yesterday. I did communicate that she was out of line and if I was not the person that I am, I would have walked out and moved out on her yesterday because She was SO OVER the line and completely rude. But, I like the place, I love the remodels she has done, I pay for a service from her (rent). I Respect her by keeping the agreement in my rental agreement. I respect her every day when I keep toys that they would not allow in the house and I have to take me kids outside to play with them, I respect her every day by only using the requested products/namebrands to clean with that she only allows me to clean with. I respect t her daily by making sure no one wears shoes in our redone 1942 hardwood floors per her request. We do not roll anything over the floors, except a small ball here and there. I respect her by turning off the water and power to the washer/dryer every time I do a load of laundry per my lease. I respect her by dealing with a faulty water softener that she can not afford to get fixed every time I turn on the water ...etc... I could go on and on. and believe me, I did ..... I was very respectful. There was no yelling, a lot of tears and high levels of anxiety to drown out her screaming neurosis .. But I remained calm, respectful and composed.

My husband chimed in when she was getting out of hand and when I was about to blow a gasket and would help lighten the situation and we managed a very calm meeting. Bottom line, I told her that We do respect the nature of our agreement and There is NO filth, It may not look perfect and ordered BUT it was NOT filth, It was not hoarding, it was cluttered I have 2 toddlers and working husband and I am doing my best cleaning job.....

The result of the meeting - she thought that my "lack of deep cleaning" and clutter was being disrespectful to her grandfathers house and her/her husbands hard remodeling work and she Needs to come in 2 -3 times a month and make sure things are being clean. And if I want to renew, I HAVE to agree to this. (keep in mind June 1 is my renewal date - she is dropping this on me or i get out in 5 day) .. 5 days ... AND i have a planned birthday party in 8 days that I have planned HERE ..... I was pissed off... I was using all I had to remain professional and not let my emotions get the best of me.

I cried, I was back in a corner, I had to agree. I told her she was low balling and that what she just did was a dirty move but I would forgive her, I would move on and just co-exist. I requested that she give me atleast 24 hr notice when she was coming to clean ... I would agree to disagree, I know that she has a good heart. She says she sees me struggle to keep things clean, and keep things organized and she is good at that And that is the way she wants to help me - Even though I did not ask for help .....

She is right. I do struggle, No one likes to be called out, We could benefit from it ..Is it invasive? OMG yes. Do I deserve to be treated this way, Absolutely Not. Does she care, No..... Will it benefit me, Maybe. I pay rent AND get a cleaning lady ....... WOW WTF

So, that is where we left it. I was pissed off, She heard me explain why I was mad, She said she was ok with me being upset because this house is Hers and the house trumps my feelings .... And I am educated enough to know that If she is ok with that resolution, That is all I can say/do. This morning, I received a text that she wanted to come and power wash and clean our inside porch TODAY... I was Mad because she was NOT as all adhering to the 24 hr notice we agreed to. I wasn't even home. I was in swim class when I received the message, SO I didn't know she was coming over and by the time i got the message, she was already there. When I got there, I went out on the porch and bursted into flames .... And tears. I let her have a message about respect and overstepping her rights. I explained to her that I am NOT a normal renter. I respect my stuff. I do have pride in the things I have, and that we had an agreement that she would give me 24 hr notices. Since she wants respect, she needs to be displaying respect to me and my family. I was not a push over and she was not going to steam roll me. I made her cry. I THINK We have come to an agreement and she understand that I take pride in this house. I love talking about this house, I enjoy having people over to see the beauty of this house. I do not disrespect things. I am not a disrespectful human. Integrity means more to me than Anything in the world.

I had to go feed my children lunch and wait for her to finish up taking 4 hours cleaning my porch, moving around our toys, scrubbing the porch windows and concrete porch floor ........While I had to delay my children's naps until she could leave .... Oh the yr is going to be a ride!

A sweet friend of mine just moved to Joplin, MO a few weeks ago. "They were so excited about moving closer to family and they had just bought a new house. They and their five children were in the basement when the storm hit."

Here is a video that ran on the news in Ohio ( where they had just moved from).

I saw these pictures but NEVER imagined that I actually knew the people in the pictures.

My friend and I met in college and were hall-mates for 3 yrs. She is simply kind hearted and selfless. later on, after we had all graduated and joined m.yspa.ce We reconnected and found out that we had more things in common than a love for our college football team. Infertility, miscarriages, and losses. Yep. A few years before we reconnected, we both had experienced several losses. She, had already overcome some obstacles and became a mom, while I was still struggling to admit that we had problems. She helped nurture my soul and guide me in a direction that I needed to be aware of and open up to. We have kept in contact through emails and bookface. They have added to their family by her becoming pregnant and adoptions. She now has a happy family of multiple children ranging in age from 9 to one on the way.

They lost it all. She is asking for NOTHING but prayers. Her children were in the basement when the storm was happening and they are having trouble. In fact, there are grief counselors that are offering their assistance to families in the area. She is open to getting her children involved in such help. She and a few of her children are actually still in the hospital due to injuries from the tornado. (and she will be on bedrest for the next 8 or so weeks from the injuries)

A few of her friends have put together a Group page on Facebook. If anyone is interested in helping. They are in need of diapers for their youngests. I have an address you can send diapers to if you leave me a comment or email me (email is FarahBeth at gmail dot com) , I can get that to you. You can order diapers on amazon or diapers,.com and they can just ship them up there. Or if you are interested in donating money to a great family in need of rebuilding their entire life, here is that link.

Here is specific sizes, items that are in need:

Clothing:

Boy - Size 10 clothing Size 4.5-5 shoes

Girl : 7-8 Tops/pants Size 2 shoes

2 Toddlers: 3T clothing size 8 and 9 shoes

1 toddler: 2T clothing and size 7 wide shoes

Dad: Work clothes XL shirts and 38x32 pants (business casual polo shirts preferred size XL -- "Manly" muted colors -- no pinks, purples, peaches, etc.... He prefers flat front dockers size 38 x 32. His shoe size is 11 1/2.)

Mom: M maternity tops and M/L pants Bras 34G, Size 9 shoe

Everyone needs socks, underwear, jammies

Also needing:

Carseats

Toys

Cloth diapers

newborn baby girl things

Gift Cards to Vitacost, Walmart, Target, Sam's Club, Gas Cards. (Super Walmart is the only grocery store close to where they will be staying)

friendship bracelets

books

Size 4 and 5 diapers -- ALL three toddlers wear these to bed...so this is a high priority! Any brand is fine!!

Hair products for Girl -- No More Tears and None of your Frizziness

Headbands, hairwraps, and any other hair accessories.

Food Wa.rs

I may (or may not) have shared that MT (my almost 3 yr old , WHOA) is always on the thin side. (he can/does wear 12 mon/18 mon bathing suits/shorts and they fall off) He can wear the small sizes as long as the length is longer. This is all because he is absolutely NEVER hungry. Well, He never admits to being hungry. The Dr's office is constantly on me when we go in. He weighs 22-27 lbs. He fluctuates. Basically, He is the same weight as he was at his 12 month well baby check. They have suggested many different ways to bulk him up, But all include eating food, and he is simply not interested. He will go DAYS, 4 to be exact, with out mentioning hungry or eating, if I allow it. What this means is, Each meal is an epic battle. And usually an Epic Fail. And Extremely Frustrated Mommie/Toddler and a 17 month old that is learning unbecoming mealtime behavior.

Honestly, This has been going on since Birth. It took 45/50 mins to get a 4 oz bottle in him. He refused to breastfeed (latch) until he was 8ish weeks. We went to see LC's, Dr's, etc. Nothing seemed to be physically wrong. It was a huge struggle. We had a big transition to solids. But Finger foods were a huge success. Then they became the norm. I do still rely on finger foods.

The thing w/ finger foods, None of them are a constant. There is not One "Go To" meal. He could love one thing one meal and absolutely refuse to eat it the next meal/day. OR He may eat the Same thing for all 3 meals. There is no rhyme or reason. Like I stated, For me, It feels like an Epic Battle every meal.

He is old enough now that I do ask for his input when it comes to meals. I usually let him pick something that we eat. But even that can be a struggle because usually his answer is "no thanks, I fine" when I ask him to chose between X and Y. I have also tried weeks of not allowing him choose and just give him something to eat. Not allowing him to help choose does result in more of a battle.

Another tactic is, he requests to be fed. He never wanted to be fed before. (and G does not want to be fed - he feeds himself, mostly - so it is not to be like his lil bro) I attempt to feed him but I have to make sure I keep the bites at the size he wants or he will refuse to eat that bite. There is an imaginary standard of size in his head and I have to comply to this. Mind blowing .... Beyond frustrating

Also, When he announces he is done, He is Done! If it's bite 1 or bite 20 ..and He declares he is Done and if you request/get stern and make him eat another bite, All food that you got in him will be vomited all over you, him and the table. Trust me on this one. He will gag, gag and gag until he throws every last bit of this up. Maddening

I usually end up preparing 1 meal - then having to go find something else in replace of the meal he will not eat. Even if he agrees to eat a meal, he can and will change his mind before you get him to sit and eat it. I had to stop using time outs or going to bed w/o eating because, That IS what he would rather do.

All of this goes on at least 2 times a day. It STILL takes about 30-45 mins to get him to eat a very small amount of food. I am completely anxious (strung out) over all things food at our house. I do worry myself over this. Because Food affects his moods. If he has gone far too long to eat, HE is a BEAR. An Angry bear. and getting him to eat when he is in this state is like poking the angry bear .. See the Vicious Cycle?! Anxiety! Tears, "Issues".. He know he has control issues. I have NO doubt where he got those Control Issues from. Every time I look in the mirror, I am haunted by those control issues.

Most assvice I receive is to just back off and not stress over it. Let him go days w/o eating. But honestly, his attitude and tantrums are so much more fierce w/o food that either way I am damned. It does seem to get worse/better but I can not find a variable to either.

MT is delicate*. You have to handle him w care. And very gently. And sometime, I do not have the time, energy, creativity, and patience it takes hour after hour to stifle the frustrations. But, after the dust settles, My brain reminds myself of the mother I said I would be before I had children. She would have been a MUCH better mother in these situations. But she is not here, These children get Me as the mom. And I am very hard on myself ( MT inherited this trait) Which is another reason after all is said and done, I do understand him, It doesn't make it less frustrating - But I am really trying to find solutions to make everyone as happy and healthy as possible

*on another post I need to chart the many similarities of MT's conscious and Mine. He inherited quiet a few of my personality traits and I have to be so careful with the way we embrace them - because Mine were not always embraced

** the dr's have suggested food therapy and I am not sure I am interested in this,YET. Going to more dr appoints, paying co-pays, coordinating schedules and all that create more problems - So I am not sure I am interested in this avenue yet.

Know your Roll

I went to buy MT flipflops and underwear a few days ago. He has taking up a flipflop obsession. He calls them flippers, But sounds like feepers. It's hilarious and adorable. E and I are lovers of flipflops. (Re.efs are my fav) I have tried flipflops on him several times and he would not have anything to do with them. He would say they hurt and take them off. But, Our neighbor's little girl wears them and he adores her. He found an old pair a few days ago(like Neighbor's 2yr old) and will not wear anything but them now. The problem is they were too little but he wanted to wear them anyways. So, We went in search of a pair that fit.

I found a few pairs, pulled them down from the rack for him to see and choose which one he liked best. I chose ones with Fish and Camo on them. There were Pretty sparkly ones next to the ones I chose ... He wanted to pretty sparkly ones. OF course he does. Glittery Sparkles are So Flashy and eye catching ... I distracted him back to the 2 I chose first and we ended up with the Fish ones ... (then my brain kicked into overdrive)

Then we went to go pick up underwear ... He immediately saw and wanted the Tinkerbell Underwear. He LOVES Tinkerbell (we had just watched the movie a few nights ago) ... Then he wanted the Spiderman ones too ... I bought both. -Then My brain exploded.

I was at a lose of what to do. This got me thinking, What IS my stance on this whole Gender Awareness or Gender Identity? I began to google/researching MANY sites. (here is the most useful one i found)

I did contact a friend on Gchat - Because My first reaction is - Who Cares. What does it matter if a 2 yr old wants to wear glitter and tinkerbell? THEN, I started questioning myself. Should it matter? Should I care? We play with Dolls, We cook, We clean, We play with Bugs, Mud, Monster trucks. He loves Cars ( the movies, toys, etc), We play with a soccer, baseball, football, music, swimming. We read, We color, We play with just about every toy/book out there and We do imaginary play also. What I am trying to portray is that We do all that we can. I have the mindset to just let them embrace life as much as possible. They will never be as innocent as they are now. And I love that about both of them.

Ok here is where the post is going to bullet points because it will just be all over the place:

• When he chose the glittery shoes, I did not want him to feel as if there was a wrong choice
• Am I aware that people will have something to say if I let him wear the glittery sparkly shoes, YES...... Am I prepared to defend more of my parenting choices, I do this daily.
• He has longer hair than most boys and He already gets called a girl all based on his hair. He can be decked out in camo shorts and spiderman shirts, wearing Cars Light up shoes AND he will receive "she is just the cutest" comments ..many of these daily
• No, I am not going to cut his hair yet. I will if he asks
• What are your thoughts on toddler learning in relation to introducing gender identity? Have you already started teaching gender identity?

I feel very ill-prepared for this next step of parenting. I am simply speechless and right now. I want him to be whomever he wants to be. I want him to be allowed to explore and discover. I am ok with whatever He wants out of life. ( help me remember this when he is 18 and He gets to chose) BUT I know that there are others that Are NOT ok with such and I can't protect him forever, But right now, I feel like that Mother Bear that WILL eat whomever harms him .... AND I know there will be harm or negative gossips from onlookers. it can be a cruel world out there