Sunday, August 2, 2009

No more Tip Toeing

Infertility is So bizarre to process and I am warning you right now - Up front. This is going to be a very hard post for me to write and this is going to be a very hard post for most to read. These are MY feelings and I am allowed to have them, Because they are Mine and this is my blog. It does not mean anyone else will like them or agree with them. If you are not in a great space mentally right now - I am warning you now - You may need to come back to this post much later. I have no intentions of offending or losing any readers/commenter's. I am just trying to get back to being able to blog and pushing the elephant in the room to light.

I have always been honest on my blog - Very very open and Honest. The past few months, I have not been completely open and honest with my feelings. But, Now, It's time to break that cycle:

I am having a VERY hard time being pregnant this time around. Mentally and Physically. Let's take it back a few months - I fantasized about the Idea of being pregnant again, idealized the idea of being able to decide that when I would want an #2, It would just happen .. You know, Like, Pick when you are ready and start and magically fall pregnant - Just like a fairy tale ..Or the Movies ..... Once We all adjusted to life with MT and would be feeling a groove and feeling Ready ...... Yes THEN ... that would just be divine, but if we never have #2 ..I know the blessing of one gorgeous little boy and I will be fulfilled with him

Then I started having "health issues" that I just knew were my PCOS acting up again ..... I took pregnancy test because people kept telling me to .. Now that I think about, they were actually faint lines and Not Evap lines ...

Then The dr's confirmed that I was in fact, Pregnant ... My first thoughts were, Oh Well, Here we go again ... Just more miscarriage to add under my belt. I found out I was 8 weeks and was waiting every day to find out that it was just another chemical pregnancy or that I was going to start bleeding at any moment. And week by week, Life went on, and I was somehow still pregnant. No Met, No aspirin, No L.ovenox, No med's to make me ovulate ... Nothing .. I felt like a fish out of water. This was not known territory. 7 yrs, No birth control, a few too many positive pregnancy tests and lots of Dr's bills and One beautiful MT to show for them. People knew we had to seek medically intervention to get MT on earth and asked if we went through it again so soon ... I was now THAT myth ... That girl .. to continue to perpetuate the story telling of friends to friends that know a friend that once they gave birth, all their fertility problems were fixed .... But are they really? What does fixed imply ... That I was broken? And not not? I endured more "i told you so" than I would like to recall

Each trip to the bathroom to vomit profusely, reminded me that I was still really pregnant and also caring for a 9 month old ...(is there a nice way to describe all day sickness?)

The dr's appointments came rolling in, Yip, Still Pregnant .... I am not sure when I actually processed that I Really was pregnant and possibly going to be pregnant until they say Dec..I say Nov....

All this time, I know that I know that I know and believe the blessing it is to have a child ... to be pregnant and caring for a child. I know with all my heart that this is a blessing beyond any blessing ... ..But ... Here is the But

MAN! It's So hard. It is not like my pregnancy with MT, where I have all the time in the world to enjoy downtime and take time for myself and get pampered and be totally intoxicated by the hormones and love and dotting friends/family. This time, I am chasing a very active Tot, being very very sick, peeing on myself because I could not make it to the bathroom in time because I was taking care of one of MT's immediate needs and having to neglect that "OMG I have to pee feeling", standing outside in the heat index of 107, bitterness of years of heartbreak, bitterness of treatments, bitterness for friends who deserve to be a Mom times two because I am not that great at handling one some/most days, Bitterness of timing, Bitterness is UGLY ....... This is not the circumstances I ever imagined when daydreaming of #2 .....

All of this is just touching the surface of the emotional aspect of having your body flooded with an overload of hormones again. There are so many emotional layers to infertility .. Like an Onion .. I peel back each layer to only find more layers of raw-ness. More layers of deep rooted hurt, Dealing with More very hurtful losses of friendships, More inconsiderate, hurtful comments and feeling of Am/Was I really infertile after all ... Doubt .... Sending me to places that are dark. Rocking my core.. Confusing, Mixed emotions of loss, birth, cures, doubt .. Questioning my very being, My bitterness, My blessings, My struggles, My feelings, My life ....

The only thing that I can do it, accept it, Move on ... Embrace it head on. This is my Life, the cards I was dealt. I can't change it, I can't make excuses for it. I have to Learn as we go ... And try to make the absolute most I can out of it, Try to keep the friendships I have, Open and honestly ... and Hang on for dear life ....

46 comments:

Sparkle Mommy said...

I appreciate your honesty. I have two beautiful girls and it is a challenge every day. It was a hard time being pregnant with number 2 while number 1 still needed so much and still needs so much. It doesn't get easier, you adjust to a new life. But you will find that you can do it one day at a time. And the days are harder especially when that second one arrives home. It gets really hard, and no one can prepare you, you just have to do it.

Mountain Girl said...

You are definitely entitled to your feelings and thoughts! I think once baby #2 comes, you'll get the hang of how to be mommy to two. I know that when the timing is NOT ours, life can suck! I thought I'd get married a whole lot younger, but I didn't - married at the ripe age of 40 and with PCOS, I was pretty much never going to get pregnant and my husband is 8 years older than me. So he's just not too interested in having babies - unless one landed on our doorstep which I doubt will happen! I DO hope things improve and you can enjoy your pregnancy AND MT! :-)

butterflyanla said...

Well my dear sweet friend, I don't have any mom advice since well I am still waiting for that reality, but what I do have is lots of love and admiration for you and your remarkable kindness. Your honesty and candor are just what this community needs. If readers can't understand that in real life some times it's hard then they can just move on.You don't have to pretend that life is filled with bunnies and kittens. We love you the way you are (or at least I do).

eden said...

You are frickin' awesome, Farah. Aint nothing ever wrong with telling the Truth. XOXOXOXOX

Adriane said...

I love this post. I love your honesty. I wouldn't want you to be anything else!

You are a great Mom. It sucks that #2 couldn't have been on your own terms and timing. ((HUGS)) to you!

mondugibaby said...

Farah, u don't have to justify how u feel to anyone. I feel for u and what u are going through. I will pray for your health and the health of the baby. U are doing great Farah. Good things will always find u. xox Durga

seussgirl said...

Hang on, dear Farah, hang on. :) And I'll be hanging with you, because most of the time these days, the thought of 3 under 2 in just a few months makes me want to run for the hills!
But we got through all the difficult times till now, and we'll find a way with God's strength to get through the rest, right?
Thinking of you!

Hilary said...

Oh Farah!! Thankyou for sharing your heart...hang in there!! I will be praying for you :)

Morrisa V said...

Your post was beautiful and honest. I can't imagine what dealing with all of this might be like. ((hugs))

Katie Cupcake said...

While I don't have any advice, I wanted to say that I really like this post. It was open and honest. Thinking of you

Courtney said...

Your honesty is beautiful, and this post, in all of its rawness, is beautiful too. You have the utmost respect from me for being so true to yourself and not hiding behind 'the white picket fence'.

I hope that both writing and reading this post brings you nothing but positive reflection and growth.

You are awesome Farah.

Kathy said...

(((HUGS))) Farah! I so appreciate your candidness and honesty in this post. Pregnancy is/can be really hard. I totally get feeling guilty complaining about it after all you (and so many others) have been through to get here. However, you have to honor your feelings/emotions and pregnancy messes with both A LOT, not to mention what it does to our bodies physically.

Life can be so bizzare and ironic when it comes to timing. Like you I have been dumbfounded by the number of people that have told us w/ our current pregnancy that they always knew/believed we could conceive on our own, that its good we finally just "relaxed" about trying to have another child and all that other BS. Who knows what combination of factors has allowed you or me to conceive again so "easily" this time around considering what led us to our previous children.

Anyway, I appreciate your sensativity to your blog readers, understanding/respecting that we all are walking different paths. However, I also can imagine what a load off it was for you to write this post. This is your space to write about what you want. I have noticed over the two years that I have been blogging how those who follow/comment/read my blog and those who's blogs I follow/comment/read has evolved as our life circumstances have likewise evolved. That doesn't mean we all don't still care about each other, we may just not be able to relate as much.

Anyway, I know this was a long reply, but I wanted to take time to validate your feelings/emotions and give you some big (((HUGS))). Hang in there. As another commenter wrote, one day at a time. I know you are grateful for all of your blessings, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. Good for you laying it all out here. I am proud of you Farah! You can and will get through this difficult time in your life and you will be a better/stronger person for it! :)

Intrepidgirl said...

You are doing an amazing job as a Mommy. I'm sorry you lost friends over this. I guess those people really have no idea about what it really is like to parent and how truly challenging it is (and rewarding too). Good work and just take it as it comes.

Jen said...

I completely understand. It's a crisis of timing, getting what you want, but not when you want it. I'm sorry that it is so hard now. Let me know if you ever need anything.

Jill, Mommy of Tanner and Josie, our Clomid baby. :o) said...

Coming from a woman who has 2 children. YOU ARE NORMAL!!!!! Girl, there were days when I was pregnant with Josie when I would have to turn on a movie to keep Tanner occupied while I "rested my eyes." What you are feeling is so normal, but hell, what IS normal anymore. :o)

HUGE HUGS AND KISSES! You will look back and laugh...in about 18 years. :o)

AJ's mommy said...

Farah - I love your honesty and reading your blog and I love our friendship we have formed. I don't think anyone should be upset by this post, because it is your blog and your feelings. You are doing a wonderful job and what you are going through is NOT easy. Hang in there girl, I think everything will settle down a bit or at least be more enjoyable here soon.

I am here if you want to chat.

T-Mommy said...

It is true, and I guess is just pure human nature: The grass is always greener on the other side...

...And it is a HUGE challenge to at least TRY, to happily mow our own lawn, so don´t feel bad, no matter what the circumstances are, WE allowed to feel the way we feel because WE are humans!

Hang in there, one sec at a time, I am sure it will get better!

A big HUG to you! :)

E. Phantzi said...

Oh Farah, thank you for this beautiful, raw, honest post - it really moved me. I'm sorry it's been so hard emotionally to grapple with the crazy mix of emotions. There is such a strong social pressure to interpret events in only one way, while life is just so much more complicated than that. I love reading your blog, thanks so much for putting yourself out there. HUGS!!!!

Janna said...

OMG, it's so weird that you wrote this post b/c my post is along these same line. Well, sort of. I'm feeling guilty for wanting a biological child even though I'm completely in love with the children that God gave us through adoption. I guess the only way to summarize this is to say...INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!

You are entitled to your feelings, and I admire your honesty! I think you're going to be a fantastic mommy of 2! You will quickly figure out a routine that works for you and the boys, and you'll go with it! And when you hit a snag you'll adjust and keep on plowing through! (((HUGS)))

Joy said...

Don't apologize for your feelings and know that in the end, it'll all be worth it! *HUGS*

Wordgirl said...

Farah,

I hope you can be as gentle with yourself as you are with us my friend -- and anytime someone is putting something on you -- writing some less than kind comment -- it's about them sweetheart, not you...you, more than any blogger I know, are so so conscientious of other's feelings and I hope that others are the same with you....

Please hang on -- and know it will get better.

XO

Pam

beebles said...

oh darlin', no one would ever wish even one time having trouble concieving, let alone two...and to have a blessing of this second little one without drugs is amazing...and who the heck would ever want to be sick ALL DAY LONG...if I were you I would have lost it completely...don't ever let those negative nancies get you down...you live through all of this stuff and life is hard...infertility...having beautiful babies...being an adult...its all hard stuff...

Hopeful Terri said...

Wow -- talk about hitting the nail on the head. I hear you in similar but different aspects. Hang in there. You are right - this your blog and your emotions. You need not apologize for anything. I am sure you are a great mom. Just look at MT and his smiles (on all the previous post)!!

JJ said...

And you have every right to feel this way, sweetie--I have always respected your honesty, so I wouldnt want any less from you! Im hoping that the rest of this pregnancy goes a little easier on you!

artblog06 said...

Since we're on par with one another on the baby and pregnancy front, you know I get this post entirely.

You're honesty is refreshing and morning sickness is so hard to cope with as it is, but with a young toddler to cope with, it's bloody exhausting work, so no wonder you feel this way.

I can only hope it all gets easier with time for you. I'm certainly hoping that when the baby comes I'll at least have my body back to be able to look after the both of them properly. Poor little D. it cant be much fun for him at the moment :(

HUGS sweetie, thinking of you.

x

Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

What a beautiful and honest post. I know confronting these feelings isn't easy and writing about them is even more difficult. At the end of the day you're human. Life is overwhelming, and most days I too feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread. But it's the difficult things that make life even better, even more precious. Thinking of you sweetheart. ((many hugs))

hope548 said...

I cannot imagine having to deal with all of that. Though part of me longs to have that miracle baby, most of me wonders about the financial and emotional logistics of handling all of that. I agree you should be able to be honest and write about whatever you need to on your blog. Your feelings are your feelings and we're all friends here, right?

My Reality said...

I wouldn't imagine this to be easy the second time around. And face it, the HG doesn't make for an easy pregnancy. Keep hanging in there. You are doing great.

Alex said...

I've never struggled with infertility, and did have the fairytale of being pregnant the first try each time. So I don't want to be annoying and comment on your feelings when I don't have a leg to stand on because I've never even stuggled to get pregnant, not did I have an unexpected pregnancy. So...that being said.

Unexpected pregnancies can f*ck with anyones mind. Add that to already having just had a baby so recently its no wonder you'd be shocked. Add that on top of your years of infertility its mind boggling. Then add on your fear of miscarriage...well that alone could keep you from bonding properly with your pregnancy for fear of being hurt yet again. Then add possible guilt for being "that girl" who got pregnant, plus the possible guilt of "I'm not sure I want this yet"-well My God woman!!!!! its no wonder you're feeling confused. Pregnancy is hard enough when its planned, natural, and text book. I can't imagine how you are feeling. And you are entitled to feel that way. Don't beat yourself up at all and don't let anyone beat you up. Hopefully you can process all these feelings before the baby comes so you're ready for the next step. If not, just be aware of how you are feeling and be careful for signs of PPD. Just do the best job you can do and take care of yourself as much as possible. Yes MT is young and still needs you a LOT, but even if you had a larger age difference between them, there would be other issues. School gets in the way for MT, he has other needs, is going through terrible 2's or 3's...there is never a GREAT age to have another baby. Just like if you wait until you can afford kids you'll never have them. I know people with many years seperating their kids and they got out of the baby phase and had a really tough time going back. My kids have 27 months between them(almost 3, just 5 and just over 7) and I never wanted to get out of the diaper phase because I didn't want to get use to no diapers and have to go back. Yet many friends don't want 2 in diapers. Its a personal choice. And you probably feel like your choice was taken away from you. But...you will do this. You are doing this. And you can do this. And sometimes it might suck. And other times(most times) it will be wonderful and worth it. But kids are hard work(as you know!!!!) so its never just sunshine and roses. There's a lot of manure to make those roses grow you know!!

I hope you feel better soon!!

Alex said...

Sorry that was suppose to say NOR did I have an unexpected pregnancy, not...not. LOL trying to say I have never been in your situation.

Tiffany said...

Im sending you some very positive thoughts.

Demara said...

i have no idea what it is like, but maybe some day i will.

i hope it gets easier for you and i hope the idea of you and your precious babes will sink in-as to say you have two kids already, does it matter whether you're fertile or not? you are a Mother!!

only a dream for some and you are living it

Dreamer4agift said...

wow...just wow.

Farah, this post is so amazing, despite the fact it's you writing about negative feelings. You put it all out there and it's good to do that in a place you feel safe to do so in. I felt like my gut was going to fall out reading it. I'm so sorry this pg is hard on you. I can't even imagine what it's like! I know, without a doubt, you will be a great mom to both MT and lil' Armadillo. It's okay to admit the pg is hard, whether you've had problems getting here or not. I'm also sorry ppl are putting their opinions out there to add to your stress and upset. Guess ppl will never learn to keep their mouths and opinions shut unless they know what they're talking about, huh? I think that those of us who've experienced IF are never broken. At least, I'm choosing to believe that (although, I know I have felt that way and voiced that feeling many times). I choose to think of it as challenged. A challenge doesn't make someone a failure. A challenge makes someone a survivor. It makes them stronger for the journeys yet to come. So, whether you got this second blessing by "accident" (ha!) or with tons of help (after all, God still helps when doctors don't have to), you've gone through trials and challenges to get where you are. THAT is something to be proud of and hang on to.

You hang in there, my dear friend. Life doesn't always (or really ever) go the way we planned, but for those of us who know how precious it is, in the end it will be better than if it'd gone the way we wanted.

((hugs))

Caro said...

Thanks for your honesty. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

Malloryn said...

Farah, thank you for sharing your heart. I admire how you can put it all out there like that. You have been a great source of support to so many people, and you deserve nothing less. I hope that this post helped lessen a small part of your burden. I can't imagine what it's like to be chasing after a toddler while dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you're able to find some more balance soon.

sara said...

Thank you for your honesty...I hope that things start to get a bit better. Tell us how you feel all the time...I actually enjoy hearing! ((Hugs))

Nurse Lochia said...

Like everyone else, it's nice to know you can be honest and open. And doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest? I think a lot of women feel this way, but are afraid to admit it because they think they aren't a good mom or that they aren't grateful. I can empathize with you...my second child came long before I was ready, and I find myself again in the situation with #4. I had a whole idea of how I wanted life to be also, until I realized that I really wasn't in control. It's tough, and you shouldn't feel guilty about not being happy all the time. Hang in there! Hugs!!

Barb said...

GREAT post honey bunches. Why would it ever bother me? What do I like most about you and always say I do? Your honesty... especially when it's raw and open. I never ever take offense at this kind of honesty that isn't meant to hurt anyone.

I think this stuff is really really normal. And please don't be so down on yourself! You say stuff about not being good at this all the time, and I always feel that you are sooooooo wrong. I know it's normal to feel guilty as a Mom, but take a moment and be proud of the wonderful, patient, fun Mom you are. I know we all have mess-ups, but if we didn't, we wouldn't be human. Every time I see you with MT, I think how great you are with him and how much I would like you as a Mom or would like to be a cool Mom like you. Seriously. I don't think I know any friend or relative who went through a close (or even not close!) second child without some serious misgivings, worries and pitfalls.
XOXOXOXO hang in there. And no, I don't believe your infertility issues are "cured," but I do understand that with PCOS and endo specifically, the fact that the cycle is not going round and round and making itself worse while your pregnant makes your body healthier for a better chance the next time within a certain time frame. It's just biology. It's part of the reason the suggest bcps and lupron and stuff.. to stop that vicious cycle. (except that I think bcps can be the devil themselves.)
B

Cibele said...

I love your honesty and I can imagine how you feel, you are entitled of your feeling my friend. It must be very hard to be on your shoes, and I know that you are making the best out of the situation... HUGS

Photogrl said...

Your honesty is one of the things I love about you most, Farah.

Don't apologize for how you feel, ever.

Holding you close in my thoughts...

((HUGS))

jayleigh said...

oh farah dear... bless you.

*hugs*

I hope you're feeling better about it all. I wonder if the bitterness ever goes away.

Having a bit of a bitter day myself.

ms. c said...

F, I appreciate your honesty. This was a great post.
I want to think about how "lucky" you are to just fall pregnant without all the intervention, but I see that there is a whole host of "stuff" that comes along with this one too.
It must be really hard to hear people say "I told you so" and other such things. Most people will never get IF. The feelings never go away.
Thanks, again... I promise I won't stop reading!!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

This was such an important post for you to write, but it was also an important post for others to read. Thank you for your honesty--for putting your heart out there.

Shinejil said...

I think I would feel the same way in your shoes. Pregnancy, even if it's something you've longed for, can really suck, esp. when you can't rest much due to other family responsibilities.

chicklet said...

While I didn't struggle with it as long as you have, I too struggled with being "that girl" - with being an urban legend who got knocked up DIY-style after THREE YEARS OF FAILED TREATMENTS. At the time, it pissed me off - a LOT. At the time, it also drove me crazy and I needed to tell everyone that it was the drugs still in my system.

Even now though, 6 months in, I refuse to let others know that it happened this way without still telling our "story" of how we got here, and trying to justify that it wasn't just me RELAXING. I just do it less aggressively now, cuz I've come to terms with it now, that it will be what it will be, and people will think what they think. I hate that I contributed to people's beliefs re fertiles and our craziness, but I can't stop that, so for now I'm just enjoying that someone somewhere finally thought it was my turn for some f*g luck:-)

becomingwhole said...

Here from the LFCA. I can only imagine the things that have been said/are being said to you.

Feelings are never wrong, they are just feelings. I'm so glad you wrote this.

I hope that your pregnancy gets physically easier for you. I hope that you have the space to work through your emotions about this pregnancy. I hope that the stupid comments only come when you will be able to laugh at them.