Happy New Year

I will be 1 day shy of 14 weeks on New Years Day. "Because you have begun the second trimester and most of the critical development has been completed, the chance of miscarriage decreases." - This statement is music to my ears!!! Here is a website I am just in love with. It explains quickening also, which should begin in the 14th week. I am pretty sure that I have experienced this 1 or 2 times already.



I am hoping, wishing and praying that 2008 brings many, Many, MANY more BFP for everyone waiting. Blessings to you all.

NT Scan Results

Risk for Downs (based on age) = 1:523
After Scan/Blood Test = 1:10,441

Risk for Trisomy 18 & 13 (based on age) = 1:917
after Scan/Blood Test = 1:18,329


AH Sweet Victory!!!!

Today was the start of 1/2 pre.dnis.one and my last pro.ges.tero.ne (which i was taking for mere comfort) and my last me.tfo.rm.in until my OB tests my sugars. I should have those tested in a few weeks. My next appointment is jan 11th and the OB midwife is asking if they want my sugars tested before that appointment. If not i will wait and do the blood test for sp.ina bi.fida and my sugars around 15 weeks. I am really starting to feel my excitement brewing.

Question - food for thought - We rent from a self owned condo, am I supposed to inform my landlard that we are currently "the p word"?

Thanks for the great/wonderful ego boosting comments in the "fam picture". Being a bigger girl - you always seem to have some sort of insecurities ya know ... And to answer Barb's question: YES OMG i so want this baby to have my husband's red hair. Isn't it SO beautiful ?!?!?!!! How could you not ..

How to pass time at work when you are the only one here

Obsessing over TV....Ok Ok Ok ..i know.. how shallow of me:

But I am worried about my TV shows and my d.v.r:

I saw that some new show was coming in January after Desperate Housewives and I Panicked! Br.other.s and Si.ster is supposed to. It one of my more adult, favorite shows and I could not bare the thought of it not coming back. After much research, It seems the show is doing so well, they are moving nights. Monday nights. So everyone watching make sure your tivo/dvr is set for Jan 7th instead.

Anyone seen this movie? It is an independent film and also an exclusive through It.unes. I have never ordered anything off It.unes. I may now because I really want to see this movie.

ALSO – I am so pissed that I missed the finale of Cl.ash of the Ch.oi.rs and it can not be seen on the n.bc webpage. It was THEIR fault for labeling it the wrong thing .. not my ti.v.o’s!!! I missed the most beautiful man win!! (yes I said it.. I am crushin on mr la.che.y)

As for the cor.nish hens, my husband said they turned out "perfect"..He used the p word ..wow, he must have been hungry ;)

E got me a great gift for Christmas, I got this. Made me so happy. I also got one of those digital picture frame and a digital picture key chain. Hey you think people figured out I like taking pictures or what?!?! I can't wait to give E's lil brothers their gift. We won't see them until the 4th but I am so excited to see their faces. It's a video game that involves using a gu.itar as a controller ;) What was your favorite gift to get and what what was your favorite gift to give?

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas to everyone - We had a wonderful trip up and back. I hope everyone will get to enjoy some time with family and friends. Those traveling, wishing for safe travels to you and your family. To those cycling - wishing for positives and many many many 2008 babies!

In Mini Vann news front, I will be 13 weeks (91 days) tomorrow. I have to say, I am a big(ger) girl and I didn't think I would "pop" per say. Well, this weekend, I had to leave the jeans that I have been wearing all unbuttoned and completely rely on the be.ll.a band to hold them up (which it does just fine btw). I weighed myself again this morning, and I still have not gained any weight since thanksgiving. SO HAPPY about this. Just there is a lil extra bulge ( just not expected from me because I am a bigger girl) Tomorrow I will be 30% into my pregnancy with 70% left .

I will be cooking cornish hens, stuffing and veggies before I send E off to work Christmas Night! Wishing your and yours a Very Merry Christmas.

My Friend Sara (that i posted a few weeks ago) is back up and running. Blogger ate her first blogsite. She is now up and running again and getting ready to do IUI#2.

Pills... The verdict

Well, I called my Ob's office again today to inquire about my new drug protocol. I am a little uncomfortable giving up my pills as they have been my security blanket (even if at first i didn't want to take them)

I have 4 days left of m.etfo.rmi.n and pr.ome.tri.um. (long sigh) I still do not mind giving up the progesterone. I am slightly more uncomfortable giving up the Met.

As for the pr.edn.iso.ne, I am going to be weaned off this. I am taking 1 tablet for the next 5 days (til 12/25). Then I am taking 1/2 tablet for 5 days (til 12/30). Then 1/2 tablet every other day for 5 days(til 01/04).

After this I will just be doing lovenox (until 30 weeks) and a baby aspirin. (unless the MFM dr says differently). I will be visiting a MFM Dr. in January. My next appointment with my OB is Jan 11th. and after that appointment, they will make an appointment to see the MFM(Perinatologist).

Our family is having our Christmas Saturday night in St. Si.mo.ns, G.A. I have alot of laundry, packing, shopping and wrapping to do before we leave tomorrow. AND i need to come into work for a few hours ( hopefully 8 - so i don't have to use leave). Everyone have a very blessed and safe merry christmas.

My friend, Trying2007, got 2 lines today (after a long and tiring journey of 4 IVF's). She has a beta tomorrow. Go and send her off with lots of positive vibes!

a few 12's

12 weeks = 84 days
26% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 74% left to go
“Your belly is finally starting to expand and grow. This week your uterus will finally rise above your pubic bone and pelvis. This will definitely create a small pooch in your lower abdomen.”

Fetus Size relating to fruit
I read somewhere about a pregnancy mask. I am not having this but I am having alil bit of a grease problem ... GREASY face and hair... and oh and the headaches..wow the headaches are more intense than the earlier headaches. My belly is twinging and stretching and sometimes feels like a charlie horse at night.

2 nights ago, i slept too long inbetween peeing and i woke up and thought I was going to pee all over myself and my belly was so tight and had alot of soreness. I hope I wake up to pee tonight and for the rest of the nights. That was weird and quite bothersome.

After my dr’s appointment on Friday, I have been feeling a lot more confident about this pregnancy. I am still losing weight, which I am very happy about. I am starting to get a little nervous about getting off my medication though. Anyone have to take pre.dni.sone, when did you stop? Metformin, when did you stop? Why do I HAVE to stop the met? I read a few articles that state woman with P.C.O.S have a hard time with breast milk supply. Any truth/opinions to this? These articles stated that if you needed Me.tfo.rm.in to conceive, you most likely will need m.etfor.mi.n to breastfeed. I am not at all under the opinion that me.tfo.rm.in is what made me conceive, but I am sure under the assumption it was a contributing factor. I am also not sure I even want to breatfeed, but I like options .... Who doesn't?!

As for another 12 - It has been 12 years since I had heart surgery today. (ASD repair) It just happened to fall on my 12 week milestone. Pretty Cool huh.

7 Days til Christmas.. Boy, Do I have alot to do. I need to get wrapping gifts and packing for a weekend trip to here to have christmas with my sister and parents.

I posted this late last night but I am posting it again - PLEASE PLEASE give Kathy some Support. She and I are close due date buddies. She just had a great NT Scan on Wednesday and all things were Fantastic at 12 weeks. Monday started bleeding red. Now things are not sounding very hopeful.

*PLEASE PLEASE give Kathy some Support. She and I are close due date buddies. She just had a great NT Scan on Wednesday and all things were Fantastic at 12 weeks. Monday started bleeding red. Now things are not sounding very hopeful.*

Tagged

Brown-Eyed Girl tagged me so here it goes:

1 - I am a tv show watcher. Most likely, If you think the show is awful, I watch it. D.irt, The H.il.ls, N.ip/Tu.ck, Gos.sip Gi.rl, Di.rty S.exy Mo.ney, We.eds, Ver.on.ica M.ars, O.ne Tr.e Hil.l Seasons 1 -3, Bi.g L.ove ..etc. I have seen just about every reality tv show - I dunno why, I am drawn to drama and catty-ness. (aka Ke.eping u.p with the Ka.rdas.heins, LA Ink) Throw in a NYC or California Glam show in the mix and I all about it. I did watch the B.rett Mic.haels Ro.ck of L.ove. WOW was that ever entertaining. One of the more entertaining shows also is Ta.lk So.up.. I highly suggest this show if you like to make fun of reality TV and some celebs. However Gi.lm.ore G.irls is my favorite tv show ever. I own the box sets and they have been played numerous times. ( now that I have scared many people.. let's continue)

2- I recently found a love for reading. ANYTHING. I never was into reading as a child. I loved a book or two read to me but that was only at bedtime so I could stay up longer. As I got older it never "fit in my schedule" or was "boring". Getting involved in the Barren Book Club has really opened my eyes and broadened my horizons. (and I love getting suggestions from other bloggers that have been reading for a long time because you guys have the best book ideas)

3- SOCKS - I love funky, wild, non matching socks. And I will wear 2 different sock, just because. It makes me smile when I look down.

4- If we do get to be re-incarnated, I would like to be a dolphin.

5- I long to move to a colder state - I have tried and tried to suggest NC (or GA) for a few yrs now. One day, I will win out

I know i am supposed to do more .. but I can't think anything else interesting. I am just a boring open person that will share WAY TMI most of the time ;) So if you want to know something, just ask! Oh and btw the way, I met a blogger today. She is REAL and I love her. Courtney is so inviting and warm. I felt as if i had known her forever! Pure, genuine soul! Now I have to come visit you in passing throughs (and our husbands graciously suffered through lunch with us) Have a safe flight Home Girl. Can't wait to see those Cruise pics.

NT Scan

My appointment went well - saw the baby and heard the heartbeat some more (HB was 168) - (the Tech knows how much the heartbeat calms my nerves so she always turns the speakers on for me for a few minutes to hear while she is getting things situated). The ultrasound went great, the tech does not think there is anything to "worry about", All measurements were under or around 1.5mm. they took more blood for a chromosomal genetic testing. Those results should be back in 14 days. My Dr did state that I will be coming off my Me.tfo.rm.in, Pre.dn.iso.ne, and Pro.me.tr.ium
after the next week. She will then do a sugar test after I have been off Met for a week.

I feel VERY confident that everything is fine. The baby DID NOT want an ultrasound today. The baby was moving and jumping and swinging its arms and kicking to get away from the poking and prodding... the tech and i were both nudging the baby to try and get the baby to move. She was trying to see if we could see the sex but no cooperation from the lil thing.

Eric swears it's a girl .. because it was all feisty and stubborn. The baby did not like us poking trying to get s/he to move. It was fun to poke the stomach and watch the baby kick or punch back. .. The tech said she "thought" she saw boy parts at one time but then she says she looked again and couldn't see anything .. she tried and tried to find "boy parts" but could never get them to show up . We tried with me rolled on my side and all but O'well ... more waiting Here is a new pic (it's not that great because baby was very active today)

Heard a rumor It's Courtney's Birthday - (even if she didn't blog about it) Jump over and wish her one happy birthday!

Eat, Pray, Love

I am in the middle of reading this book.

Right now, I totally recommend this book to/for any woman. I have found myself nodding in agreement over her thoughts, feelings and emotions even though she has not suffered infertility related topics, she has suffered. And she is insightful as all get out. The word phrases she uses, just comfort me. Here are some examples that have just really set my brain in overdrive these past couple of days. (I do not want to ruin the story line so I will not go into depth – but I really wanted to share some of the more eloquent analogies she uses in her book): (my thoughts are in italics)

“(Loneliness) is going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”
I can not tell you how that one line in this book broke a dam in my soul and made me weep and weep. I have felt this type of victimization and vulnerability to Loneliness before in my life. I have been violated by loneliness many, many times and I would have never illustrated it in this manner (because I am just not that creative) but WOW, what a powerful statement. This spoke volumes to me on many different levels and crisis’s in my life.

(running to catch an elevator- catching a glimpse of herself in the mirrored reflection )“In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split second message: Hey! I know her! That’s a friend of yours!- And I actually ran forward towards my own reflection with a smile ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar”
I think about this the most. Parts of me in the journey to conceive have been robbed. But there are some parts that I am grateful for. I have learned a great deal about adversity, compassion, and acceptance. I have met great friends. I have sacrificed myself may times over. I am found ways to pick myself up when I thought I had nothing left in me. But there are brief moments, when I see the old me and I do embrace her as a familiar face.

(the author talking about American Philosophy and how we are semi-programmed to think) “Do we deserve pleasure? … “How is pleasure most efficiently maximized?”
Her point is that we have insecurities about whether or not we have earned our happiness. Like there is a sliding scale of judgment. We base it off things and values and past experiences, our ancestors, company we keep. We have what she calls “recreational binges”. We go all out and splurge only to follow up that with a period of guilt and remorse.

“When I get lonely these days, I think, So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it for once in your life, but never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unified yearnings.”
I still cannot completely say that I have wrapped my head around this statement. HOLY COW have I subjected far too many people to my scratching post. I am having a hard time dealing with that statement alone. But I want to conquer this. It will lead me to explore better places in my mind and heart.

11 Weeks

It's Tuesday. That time again. I have made it to 11 weeks.


24% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 76% left to go.

I really am just in awe. I am starting to get really uncomfortable in my clothes, although I have lost 3 more lbs. As my friend says "the furniture is moving around" and I feel it. I have lost a total of 15 lbs since I got a BFP, I think the Dr will be happy with me. ( as someone who knows that I am overweight). That makes a total weight loss of 62 lbs since February. Praise be to Me.tfor.mi.n (and maybe a lil more discipline/determination). Not that I have ever been 11 weeks pregnant before, but it seems that I am carrying this baby pretty high - about 2-3 inches above my belly button. That is where the hardness is. Although my lower abdomen got really heavy about a week ago. (i assume the placenta ?)




From what 2 expect dot com i received this: "Your lower abdomen is probably just starting to protrude a bit now (though you likely still look less like you're pregnant and more like you've been overdoing the doughnuts). But even if it's still flat as a board (all women start to show at different times — and as you'll find out, all show differently), you're probably finding your jeans aren't buttoning without a struggle. You can blame the hormone progesterone for that tight squeeze (actually, when you're pregnant you can blame the hormone progesterone for just about everything). Though progesterone does a bang-up job in maintaining your healthy pregnancy, some of the less than flattering by-products of all the good it does are bloating… and burping… and passing gas. That's because progesterone relaxes smooth muscle tissue in your body — including the gastrointestinal tract — slowing down digestion to allow more time for the nutrients from food to be absorbed into the bloodstream and passed to your baby. But what's good for baby isn't always good for mom. The uncomfortable fullness you feel in your abdomen, especially after eating, will (sorry) only get worse for some women. As your uterus grows, it'll crowd the stomach and intestines, putting more pressure on the digestive tract, and causing you to feel even more bloated. But here's some consolation: your baby won't feel your pain. In fact, your baby is oblivious to all your intestinal distress, and may even be soothed by the gurgling of your gastric symphony."




Before I received this, I was blaming my pre-natals, now I am reconsidering the blame. So if anyone of you are experiencing this on Progesterone supplements - blame them evil thangs






I have my NT scan Friday, and I can not wait for another opportunity to see my baby and hear the heart beat. I would be completely lying if I said I was cool as a cucumber. I am not a nervous wreck, but I am pretty anxious. I seem to get that way before each scan/appointment. I am still on progesterone and I am going to ask if I still need it. I do not mind taking anything that they think is necessary, but I am definitely paying for a good few college years in all of these continued meds. My insurance will only give me 12 shots of love.nox at a time... PITA... It's $30 every 12 days - just kinda of feels like a scam. So i am making the pharmacy and insurance pretty deep pockets If I have to keep this up to week 30...




The latest development is my sweet tooth. I just do not know how to deal with this. I did the Can.di.da Di.et for so long, then I stopped that but with P.CO.S and my insulin resistance, I was extremely cautious about what I ate. Up until recently the smell of sugar made me want to vomit, now I want Cupcakes, cookies, sugary drinks etc. And I just can not bring myself to indulge. I feel way too guilty. Do not get me wrong, I have one (or 2) a few days a week. But I am trying to explain to my body that this is NOT an ok craving.




I wish I could mail all of you cupcakes, because they were so doggone good.


If you cold, wish me and mini va.nn well for our appointment Friday the 14th. (it is also my grandmother's 79th birthday)




On a side note: My friend Sara is a new blogger but just received a BFN from her first IUI. Stop by and lend her a hand if you have the time.

Holiday Baking

Because I have been covetting these pictures. (and i think she pretty much rocks and I want to be like her) I made these tonight:



Here are my very own peppe.rm.nt Cu.p.ca.kes:











I used a spruced up cake mix recipe and sprinkled smooshed up And.es Chri.stma.s M.nts and Starlight M.nts.

More Family Entertainment

I have a good story to share that I KNOW many will enjoy:

A few days ago, my husband and I were sitting and talking. He said that he just remembered something that his Mother said when he was explaining to her. They were discussing the almighty di.ldo.ca.m. AKA Tra.nsvagi.nal Ult.rasou.nd. She has never heard of one (she is a nurse might I add- and a mother of 8* don't get me started*)..... She asked my husband if I got "excited" from those?!??!?!?!?! My husband was speechless he quickly changed the subject and was quite in shock. YES only my MIL can ask such sick sick questions... REALLLY


Also, my husband is overjoyed, there was some adult fun last night after 11 weeks, the poor guy is a trooper. There of course was not THE adult fun he would have liked ... but you do what you can do.. ya'know. I am surprised at myself by how much this was ok in my head, because I seem to worry about everything compromising this pregnancy.

Reminder:

Runinng out of good titles .. Creativity low

Again: If anyone has a self cleaning litter box .. please chime in what you have and if you like it thanks .. So much for your help on this. (when i scooped the litter box my arm was good enough, now that E is scooping, apparently his arm is not)

As for the X, Y Sperm - there have been numerous comments about it. The people that I asked about it in our DNA section basically state that it is partly true, the explanation is a little off - but I won't bore you any further.

If anyone is looking for a good blog to read that is still struggling with cycling and treatments, Check out Lady in Waiting @ Purgatory. Her bloglist started filling up with BFP bloggers and needs support from those still in her shoes. As she states "there is strength in numbers".

I updated my blog list last night. If you aren't on it, I missed you, leave me a comment and I will fix it. If your link doesn't work or I have you in the wrong category, Let me know. I get more brain dead as the days go by. I am coming down with a cold/sore throat thingy and it tends to make me work overtime with breathing and thinking.

2 posts in one day ...

I just wanted to note how great my friends are. They surprised me.
A few days ago, a friend called and asked me to meet her for lunch at A.pple.Bee’s today for lunch (and ever since, I had been dreaming about their chi.cken faj.ita roll-u.p) So I met her up there to find that she called a few other really close friends ( that knew about my IUI's), balloons, cupcakes and presents for me. I had a “YEAH you’re Pregnant” Party!!! I was so shocked and honored; it’s nice to be loved. You Guys ROCK! You know how to make a girl feel special! Thank you!

If you are a science junkie, Like me, check out this webiste

Stolen from this website:

"Studies indicate that the sperm with the X chromosome - or female chromosome - have a longer life span than the male sperm (with the Y chromosome).Yet the male sperm appear to have a higher motility. Sperm motility is measured in two ways: percentage of sperm exhibiting movement, and the quality of this movement, which is called the forward progression. Poor motility means the sperm have a difficult time swimming toward the egg.It is said that the sperm carrying the Y chromosome uses energy faster than the sperm carrying the X chromosome. The energy utilization is said to be due to the speed in which sperm swim. Supposedly, the Y sperm is speedy or contains less mitochondria whereas the X sperm is slower or carries more mitochondria. Mitochondria are the energy producing cellular components which are absolutely necessary for life. Sperm contain, and can only produce, so much fuel for their journey. If one sperm type swims faster than another, the consequence of that, of course, is faster arrival - but also faster expiration. That said, if a woman knows her cycle and when she ovulates, the odds of baby gender prediction can be in one's favor. Sperm can reach the fallopian tubes in about 20 minutes to 2 hours. Sperm are viable for about 4-7 days inside the woman."

Anyone know if that is remotely have any truth to it? I'm heading upstairs to our DNA Section and asking if this is true. I want to know just because I am a science junkie.

Calling all self cleaning cat box owners:

Anyone have a self cleaning litterbox.. My husband insists that we get one.. if so, could you leave opinions on the ones you like.

10 weeks= 70 Days

"Today is Tuesday December 4th 2007.
You conceived on Tuesday October 9th 2007
and your due date is Tuesday July 1st 2008.

56 days have passed since the conception,
and you are 210 days before your due date.

You are 10 weeks into your pregnancy,
and you have 30 weeks to go.

You are in the 1st trimester.

21% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 79% left to go."


WOW

I made it to 10 weeks today. 10 WEEKS .............OMahGOSH!! I have graduated from growing an embryo to growing a fetus. Check out this website.

My morning/all day sickness has slowed down and this past few days. I just woke up yesterday and today just feeling queasy. That is an improvement that is well accepted. I have noticed that when I lay down, my belly does not flatten out, like it used to, you can feel a hard spot about 2 inches above my belly button. My breastes’s are HUGE and still growing. I noticed in the bathroom mirror before a shower yesterday that there are bright blue veins running all through my chest/abdomen region… That’s new. They also tingle now. That’s a lot of whoa what is THAT feeling. They are heavier and tingling … very strange. Brushing my teeth is a new experience, other than the toothpaste making me gag; my gums are very inflamed and bleedy. I bought a new toothbrush with soft bristles, I am hoping this helps. Last week, I noticed my mood shifting negatively. Everything on the planet irritated me. I had a long talk with myself and hopefully that will not happen again. I am trying to drink more water. I drink about 6-7 bottles of water now (and a few small other drinks), but I have to tell you, Water makes me want to vomit. I can not drink water first thing in the morning STILL. I don’t know what it is about Water, but it really turns me off in the AM’s. I am feeling a bit of weird twingy/pressure on my left side mostly. I am told its ligament pain and it’s quite normal.

I make small goals for myself. Right now, goal is to make it til Dec14th. That is when we do the nuchal fold test and I get another U/S. I will be almost 12 weeks then.
I have grown quite found of Mini Vann and really beg him/her to stick around and be very healthy. I find myself talking to the fetus and referring to s/he as a baby more (in my head mostly). I explain that we really feel blessed and just want to do the best for him/her and that we really just want to make it another 7 months and we will do whatever it takes to do our best.

I am kind of shocked that so many people know. I find myself at a loss when people that do not really know what it took for me to achieve this pregnancy thus far want to “talk” about the pregnancy. I find that I am not really comfortable with that at all. I thought I would be. I am glad that people know. I ask for prayers if they know. That is the benefit (in my head) of so many people knowing... more prayers for Us. (Selfish maybe). Part of me wishes that I could have held out on telling some times. Pros/Cons, water under the bridge, but I am truly honored to still be 10 weeks pregnant and enjoying every second of it. I know that being pregnant is not an instant mind eraser, but I thought that it would help start erasing some of the bitterness, treatment discussions, failed cycles, past attempts, miscarriages, feeling of emptiness and etc. Yet I find myself some days having new crosses to bear. It makes me very uncomfortable for people to mention that I am pregnant, or ask how I am feeling, or comments in general. And at work, I just can’t handle the talk about do I want a boy or girl. I have become speechless a few times.
I find myself changing the topics …. Boy are girl, whatever I do not care. Funny how most people do not believe me when I say I really do not care. I really do not. I finally came up with an “I just want a very healthy, happy, live baby in X amount of weeks”. You should see their faces. Yes it would be easier to say. We are hoping for but after yrs of this, to me, that is trivial. That is the kind of stuff I am shocked at myself for not just being able to roll with. I mean, is there any harm “playing along with their anticipations and excitement” over the sex… NO, but some reason, I just can’t. I do not like to discuss names, nursery sets/colors, furniture and hearing talk of me having to register and what stores I am going to pick. I can’t think that far at all mostly… I need to learn to fake it better I guess, and just go with “off the cuff” rambles. I am hoping this all gets easier to openly discuss because I opened a can of worms. I wanted to share my secret, now sometimes; I want it back to protect it ….

speaking of spices

Stolen from Caro

You scored 75% intoxication, 50% hotness, 50% complexity, and 50% craziness!

You are Cardamom! Not many people know you. You're kind of sweet, subtle, and maybe even shy. You're definitely understated and totally underrated. But once people get to know you, they can't get enough. You touch some esoteric, ancient place deep inside people and they love you for it.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

what are you?

Spice of Life

WOW- I made it through NaBloPoMo. This was my first attempt. During the Holiday it was a bit rough. I am glad I stuck it out. I met a few other bloggers through it. I like the randomizer function.

Thank you for the many food suggestions. I have made a list of them and I am going to the grocery store later to stock up. I am having a hard time mostly preparing the food .. then eating it. I need to make larger quantities for that .. cook less have more prepared items. It's good to see what everyone is eating. They say variety is the spice of life... keep the food ideas coming.


I was tagged by Katie .. ...

Four jobs I have held in life:

• I worked at a college bookstore on campus
• Nanny
• Wrote Curriculum for the State Law Enforcement Training Program
• Forensic Technologist in the Latent/Crime Scene Dept. for the State

Four movies I have watched more than once:

• Grease
• Return to Me
• 10 Things I Hate About You
• Short Circuit

Four places I have vacationed

• Tennessee
• Washington DC
• California
• Ecuador
  

Four of my favorite foods:
(pre-pregnancy- ANY FOOD)

• My fathers Steaks - He just marinates and cooks them like no one else can
• Shrimp, Lobster, Scallops
• Butter Beans and Okra
• Cucumbers

Four places I would rather be:

• North Carolina
• Anywhere in the Ocean with people that wait on you
• In Bed
• In a clean house that has a maid

Four hobbies I engage in regularly:

• Reading
• Bloggin
• Watching TV
• Surfing the net

I tag you ...

I forgot to write this story the other day:

I think it was 2 days ago ( or 3) I can’t really remember. It was 6:30 pm and E wanted to go out to dinner because I could not think of anything I wanted to eat. So in preparation, I went to the bathroom. To my shock and embarrassment, I noticed that my underwear were on backgrounds. Not Inside-out plain and simple ….. Backwards… They had been like that ALL DAY.. and I just noticed. So if that doesn’t help explain most of my mornings, I don’t know what will.

In my defense, I bought me so new “Bridgette Jones” panties and they are gi-normous and very comfortable. Plus Mornings are rough and I think I am losing bits and pieces of my brain.

Wish me luck today, I am in charge of planning our “holiday luncheon” and it is in about 3 hours….. Hoping all goes well. In reference to yesterday’s post… keep the food suggestions coming. I have gotten a few really good ones.

Please go over and wish Her-Story and JHK good luck on their IUI’s today.

Fooodie's

Ok so I am in need of some help, suggestions, ideas.

We went to the grocery store AGAIN this week ... and I find nothing that is remotely appetizing to eat that is slightly healthy for me. We left with bottled water, pickles, bananas, yougurt, and more uncrustables .... and that's it!

What are you eatting during the day .. give me ideas. I have breakfast covered. I bought raisin Bran and that seems to be ok. Need lunch ideas ... lunch and dinner is where I just lack an appetite and creativity but need to eat ... Breakfast is now just a ritual

smorgasbord

My brain is all over the place lately: so here it goes:

JJ had a great Idea to introduce how your blog was born. I was inspired by a real live friend and Jaime. I read her blog and how open and honest about her feelings she was able to be .. and I was moved and then envious. So I started my own. I then quickly landed on JJ’s blog a few days after, and the rest is in the archives.

I out-ed myself out work yesterday. (trying to sneakily scan U/S pics- and got caught) The trips to the bathroom, nausea, peeing, eating, tired, late, leaving early, Dr’s appointments, type of work I do, sharing very close quarters, and a few other reasons, it just seemed easier. There was already chatter about it, So What’s done is done

Go here and here for some continued good news

I think the extra hormones in my body are making me a tad bit whiney. I was having a pity party for one yesterday because my husband schedule is on my nerves again. Having to have a shot at 5 pm every day, trying to work 8 hours and make in home in time for my husband to give me a shot and walk out the door for work has really gotten to me. I know I have gone over this before, .I work far away (and add extra snowbird/holiday/tourist traffic to an already long commute= the suck, add driving in a car or pretty much moving making me nauseous = more the suck) I am a pretty much independent kind of person and my husband lets me be. Right now, I just want to be cared for. I would just like when I am puking in the toilet, not to have to be the one to have to clean up and nurture me, and find something that sounds/smells like I want to eat/drink it. I do not know how you single women do this on your own. More power to you. (again, I am sorry that it sounds like complaining – its actually just venting- I think it’s the extra hormones

v E is off of work today and I am just so glad for that. I have made it to work by 8:15 2 mornings in a row!!! Go me

9 weeks

"While your baby is still extremely small, he/she is now ready for rapid weight gain. The baby is beginning to look more like a little person since the embryonic tail is completely gone by week 9. The eyelids are fully formed, have fused shut, and will open again during week 28. All the baby's joints such as the knees, elbows, shoulders, ankles, and wrists are working and allowing the baby to move about freely within the amniotic sac. Your baby's heart began beating around day 24, but now his/her heart has divided into four chambers, and the valves are beginning to develop. Your baby can also make a fist, and he/she may begin sucking his/her thumb.
How big is your baby?Your baby is about the size of a grape, measuring about 1 ½ inches from its head to its rump, and weighs a fraction of an ounce."

18% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 82% left to go.

*Disclaimer - please know i am NOT complaining - just documenting and observing:
I am beginning to have a hard time sleeping at night. It seems to take me a while to get comfortable. I am and have always been a belly sleeper. So this laying on my back trying to sleep is starting to wear on me. Waking up to pee assures me that things are still progressing. I lay one of these by my bedside before I go to sleep because when i wake up to pee, i have to come back and eat that or mornings are much worse. Last night I found a love for these.

And I ALWAYS want these

8w6d *updated w/ pics

Today there was a lil mix-up at the dr's appointment again. Somehow, they canceled my appointment and never told me - the OB nurse thinks it was a mistake by the office staff not understanding dr's notes, but all was well they gave me an U/S and that make me happy as can be.

I will post a picture later.... It looks like a mini baby now. I actually cried for the first time. I think it was a little bit of the confusion of the appointment and them actually turning the sound on so we could hear the strong heartbeat. They say all my labs and hormone levels are going great and I have lost 4 lbs.

I am measuring 8w6d..which adds up to what my ticker says I am at today. The baby is 1 inch long and has a heart rate of 164 or 165.

My next appointment is Dec 14th. They will do the nuchal translucency at that time and most likely take me off my progesterone.

All is going well.

Meet Mini:

Oh the glamour

Yesterday, My sister called and asked if we would meet My family for greek food. *we live in a small greek community with excellent good greek food*. Since we had all had turkey and dressing and every vegetable known to man for the past 2 days. Greek food sounded wonderful. So E and I went up and met my Mother, Father, Grandmother, Sister and Boyfriend for lunch. I ordered my usual and a salad. After dinner I asked for a piece of gum due to the LARGE quantity of garlic in the food. The gum was minty flavored and started to turn my stomach a little. I ignored it and went to the grocery store to pick up things for dinner last night. In the grocery store .. things just smelt AWFUL ... i was rushing to get everything we needed and i kept telling E ... I think I am going to "lose it" but I didn't want to because it just felt like "losing it" was going to be worse the second time around. ....... Well we made it out of the grocery store and I had been trying to convince myself to keep it down... Finally, I spit out the gum -because I was just convinced it was the gum .... I yelled at E to pull over quickly and on the side of the road, I lost my lunch .... then the unthinkable happened .... My stomach was spazzing so much that the added pressure totally made me pee myself ............... I was mortified at the time ... because some man pulled over to make sure that we were ok and offered us to come into his house (that we were in front of) to use the rest room. What a kind man... E stated "I am sorry sir, my wife is pregnant and just ate Greek food" ....Anyway, I get back into the car, make it to my parents house, wash my clothes and say goodbye to my sister and her boyfriend. ... .. I guess this is the not so glamorous part people leave out in all those fairy tales huh .... It still makes me laugh about it though ..\


*on a side note- after i realized that I went to a greek restaurant had greek salad and ate Feta cheese..I had a melt down .. It's a soft cheese that I totally forgot about at the moment of being hungry.... I only ate a very small amount but ...freaked out none the less ..

The lo.ve.nox shot are breezy as long as ice is applied and the shot enters my body very slowly! Only one side of my belly bruises.

Black Friday *updated*

I know there are many happy bloggers out there today but so far I am hit with 2 really sad bloggers and I cannot help but post links to their blog for others to help offer words of support to them:

first is Tarah who just received a BFN after another IUI.

Second is an email I received from Amanda: subject line NOT FAIR:
"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

*UPDATED (only to add more sad bloggin' news, this is a really bad friday)

Please stop by Leah's page, and Carrie also



Please if you have a chance to go leave some kind words on their pages. It breaks my heart to understand such strong feelings.

Not a Consolation Prize

*there has been some changes on my sidebar - moving bloggers around because we have had a outpouring of BFP's lately -and that is super fantastic. I also changed my name to fertilize me - since that is what i am ultimately seeking and added a picture - when i chose inconceivable I didn't realize that it was going to show everytime i posted - all new to this a such and i had just finished reading inconceivable by Julia Indichova and was feeling inspired*

Believe it or not, Below is the post I originally starting writing yesterday that ended up on a totally different topic than it was supposed to.
My husband and I did something last night (now Monday night) that we have discussed at great lengths even before we were married. I have always wanted to look into this more, just didn’t know that I would be doing so under these circumstances. We went to a Foster/Adoption Orientation for the state. I signed us up for one a few days after this Dr.’s appointment. (PLEASE, PLEASE , PLEASE, do not think that this is going to be a “just adopt” info-mercial, its quite the contrary)* i hope not to offend anyone

My husband was very reluctant to go because he was worried that I was feeling that this was my consolation prize. After we discussed this topic at great lengths the past few weeks, I think we both have a better understanding on where each of us stand on the issue and where our concerns lie. I re-assured Him that this not fulfilling a void completely, I do not think adopting and or fostering can fill the longing to be pregnant (I admit that I could be naïve about that?!?!) I also do not think that Infertility will inhibit my ability to love, care, provide for a child(s) in need that is biologically not mine. I do not think it will clout my basic ability to be a parent. (I also admit that this statement may also be naïve but I place pregnancy and parenting in 2 different categories in my head – more on this topic at a MUCH later time). I told Eric that I look at it as a win-win situation. If we go this route, I get to provide shelter and protection for a child(s) in need, and I learn about the child(s) and their needs and my ability to parent and the child(s) gets to be sheltered and protected and have needs met.

Just like fertility treatments, this is not an instantaneous gratification kind of event. It has pros and and it has cons. It has a possibility of being something great and a possibility of failing miserably. It takes alot of time, patience and mounds/forests of paperwork. We will be filling out paperwork upon paperwork, go to classes, trainings, seminars, have a home study, and questioned beyond belief. *funny part is I had to fill out paperwork in order to get the paperwork to fill out to request my interest in the program - HOW inefficient is that??*

After all of the requirements are met, we may decide that this is not the avenue in which we wish to pursue. We may decide that we want to adopt from elsewhere or not at all. We may decide that we want to foster and not worry with adoption at this time. We found out yesterday, to my sadness, that there is no more foster to adopt program (which is what we went into the oreintation wanting). You either foster, or adopt and the plan that you chose determines your training and paperwork, there isn't (as of now) a crossover from either program. This means if we chose foster, it will (most likely - 95%) be very temporary. If we chose adoption, it means that while we are going through training and paperwork, someone else will be fostering and growing a bond with the child(s) that will be placed in our home for adoption. The child(s) with not have any real contact or overnight contact in our house until after the adoption is finalized. That just seems incredible wrong to me. I will be taking the child(s) out of that home from a person who has been caring for them for however long it takes us to finalize the adoption. (like 10-12 monthish after training and lots of paperwork and court dates). So right now, neither choices are ideal to me. I preferred the foster to adopt program they had, but now this is not even offered. This has tarnished my feelings on the issue a little but not as much as making me wish to stop pursuing information and training. This investigation feels good to me. We are still in the early exploration days but I do know that my motives are pure and I just want the best for everyone in this situation. I have also committed to Eric that I am willing to try at least 2 IuI’s and depending on how my shitty ovaries respond, MAYBE a 3rd. But I will not attempt to commit to #3 until after the first one. On that note, I told Eric that in the possibility that an IuI actually result in a pregnancy that last for ~9 months and results in a real live baby that I get to take home from the hospital, I still would like to pursue the foster/adoption training regardless of the outcome. (*as all my posts, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time I need- for I am a woman and I am best at being Fickle - For I am just trying to sort out all these weird scenarios and situations that are rustling in my IF Brain that "normal" people never have to actually think about or answer on a questionaire form - and this post is not ment to offend anyone - if I do so, Please let me know so that I can apologize and be more senstive to others)

a Whoops post - my subconscious took over

The day I found out that my Dr. wants to move to IUI’s, I went into this weird emotional state. I lost hope that it would work naturally (as if cl.omid is natural, so I dunno what my problem is – and I dunno why “natural” seems so important to me and after 4 years +, you think any way that has a chance of getting me pregnant would be very exciting to me) Along with the emotional aspects, I am struggling with the financial aspects. My husband and I do not have an excessive amount of money. We try to live w/in our means and live some what comfortable. We actually do not even own credit cards. I got in some credit card debt out of college (as do a lot of people) and my grandmother offered to pay them off and I pay her back instead of having all that interest accrue and I took her up on that offer a few yrs ago. But in the agreement, I had to stop using credit cards. I am still paying her back and we currently still do not have any credit cards. We have decent jobs, and a decent condo, and decent income, but we also still have a decent amount of car loans and student loans, and etc misc. living expenses each month. I know that I am not in the poor house at all, and I am grateful for where I am. But at the same time, I am having such an internal struggle with spending money on “attempts to make a baby”. I feel like it’s a gamble and quite possibly use of my money based on feelings and irrationality instead of logic and reasonings. As much as I may be irrational with my feelings, I am usually never irrational with my funds. As you can tell from my personality test (or if you know me), I am very literal and tend to make big life decisions based on logic, reasoning and facts. (my internal fight is between logic and feelings) I have had a job since I was 13, and I totally understand the value of the almighty dollar. With the IuI, it’s about $2000 that I may literally piss down a drain. I know that is not EVEN REMOTELY healthy to say before I even attempt to order the meds (which are about $800). I mean why would I go into this feeling ½ part doom and gloom right out of the gate …… What is wrong with me?? Is this even normal to feel just doing IuI’s?? On the Feelings side of me, I should include that in some very weird way, I am extremely excited to be moving to IuI’s!! Yes I know, I am a complete whack job, but doing something like this feels like we are moving in the right direction in order to compensate for my shitty ovaries that refuse to cooperate because they insist on suffering from PCOS. I told Eric that this process is actually very exciting for the science nerd in me. Mixing drugs, learning how all the processes are needed to help each other – that part fascinates me to the nth degree. This post was supposed to be about something TOTALLy unrelated ..i guess now that will be tomorrow’s post – sorry to keep revisiting the same topic OVER and OVER ad nausea

What book am I

i can't get the "what book are you" to post right but i have to share ..It's pretty accurate (except for the brilliant thing and Id like to think i signify something) :

You're The Sound and the Fury!by William Faulkner.Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

Me ..jumping on the bandwagon

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs."
- Portrait of an ESTJ (The Personality Page)"...go by experience and that is what counts, not speculation and experimentation, and certainly not fantasy. They keep their feet firmly on the ground and make sure that those under their supervision do the same..."
- The Portrait of the Supervisor (eStJ) (Keirsey)"responsible, finisher, decisive, norm following, respects authority, punctual, hard working, stiff, self confident"
- Jung Type Descriptions (ESTJ) (similarminds.com)
"ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision. While ENTJs enjoy organizing and mobilizing people according to their own theories and tactically based agendas, ESTJs are content to enforce "the rules," often dictated by tradition or handed down from a higher authority."
- ESTJ Profile (TypeLogic)"ESTJs prefer occupations that require an organized, logical, and practical bent that incorporates an effective use of time and resources. They pay attention to the organization's hierarchy and use policies and procedures to help them to move the tasks along. They like making decisions and dealing with concrete, specific facts."
- ESTJ - The Enforcer (Lifexplore)

ESTJ Career MatchesESTJs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Overseer/Protector personality.
Accountant, Auditor, Banker, Business Administrator, Business Analyst, Computer Specialist, Detective, Economist, Editor, Engineer, Financial Officer, Government Worker, Insurance Agent, Judge, Lecturer, Librarian, Manager, Marketer, Military Leader, Nursing Administrator, Police
Researcher, Sales Representative, Scientist, Senior Manager, Teacher
Teacher/Professor, Technical Specialist, Underwriter, Writer

Looks like I am follwong the career path for my personality!

WOW - I feel honored

Someone found my blog from a go.ogle search: " my husband wants to pee on me"





I don't know how that happened and I have nothing else to say ........

10 things ....

tagged by Cibele I hereby give you 10 things I …

Hate: (in no particular order)

1. Snakes (Just like Leah) - We drove over a snake one time in a car and i lifted my feet off the floorboard- that's how scared of them I am
2. Being alone at night - I still have this little girl in me that panics- call me Fraidy Cat
3. Beer - I really can not stand the taste of it at all
4. Struggling with my weight
5. Being Left out
6. Assvice or Unsolicited assvice from people that I do not know or "think" they know me
7. People who take advantage or abuse their privileges/power
8. People with bad work ethics
9. Failing anything or letting people down
10. Jello - Any kind, Pudding or regular

Love (in no particular order)

1. My husband - days w/o him, I am just uneasy - he has this wonderful calming effect on me - He also can have this NOT SO calming effect on me don't get me wrong
2. Fountain Drinks
3. Animals of all Kinds (except snakes)
4. The Ocean
5. Chic Flicks
6. Fruity Alcoholic Beverages (sex on the beach and rum runners are my Fav)
7. Collector B.arbie's - I know, I am sorry that many do not like ba.rbies, But I'm talking about the ones all "prettied up in Bob M.ackie, Caroline He.rrarra, Holid.ay Bar.bies.
8. Taking Pictures (of fun people/scenery)
9. The countries Greece,Italy and Australia - I have never been but an really drawn to these countries and Have all intentions of visiting them
10. being Loved and accepted - the feeling of someone truly loving you for you - it one of the most amazing feelings/experiences you can have. Whether it be romantic or friendship, I just adore and relish this feeling

I tag Chicklet, FattyPants, Courtney, JKH, Trying2007 and all others that wish to join in that haven't already done so ... Tag your it

Unpacking mentally and physically

It’s CD 10 (or CD9) not completely sure – my CBE Monitor requested me POAS this AM and I decided against it. Maybe tomorrow, but today I just didn’t feel like it.

We are going through adjustment phase at the new Fertilize Me household. I have decided that moving and unpacking has made me a little more nostalgic than I would have liked it to have been. (this is just some history about me - nothing cycle related - you can stop reading if you are looking for cycle related posts) We moved from Tallahassee a few years ago when I got a promotion and relocated (thanksgiving weekend 2003). We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment in Tallahassee and when we moved to Tampa, we moved into my parent’s house (back into my old bedroom where I grew up). TALK ABOUT WEIRD!! It was just temporary because we were looking for an apartment and/or something to buy. Real Estate was on the rise and the FL market was unstable (and continues to be). I just moved my husband w/o a job and no degree since I made him quit school to relocate to a new university. Yes, he obviously loves me – because I made him give up A LOT for my happiness. I was struggling a lot, missing my college friends, wrestling with personal demons, adjusting to being married, and I was devastated every period that came and went – we started trying to have children immediately (read- before we were actually married). We couldn’t afford much on just my salary and my husband didn’t complete his degree yet, so we needed to be financially responsible and try to make decisions based on that while he was out looking for a job. FINALLY a few weeks into December, I could not take the 1.5 hour commute to work anymore or the parental supervising that I had not had in my life since I was 17 – ( I moved out of my parents house the summer of my 18th birthday - So that is 10 yrs of being out of that house) I needed my own place no matter what we had to do to make it happen – and my husband had a job – it wasn’t a great one, but it was a paying one. So we moved out and boy was it time. We moved into a very small 1 bedroom/one bathroom apartment and paid way to much in rent but it was WELL worth my sanity. We left many boxes packed because there was just no room for all that we had and some of the stuff we didn’t need until we had a more permanent location. We stayed there (for 2 yrs) until the bathroom ceiling fell in and we had to move – I found another smaller, “more affordable” townhome (read dumpy ole shack). We were going to stay there long enough to save money to buy our own place. 2 yrs later, several recent unhelpful phone calls to my landlord, a mortgage company, realtor, and loan officer, we decided it was time to move again because our townhouse was getting “worse” and it was affecting me and my attitude. And buying a home right now was an even worse ideaso it was back to looking for a place to rent. So that’s where we are NOW. I am unpacking some boxes that were packed up from the original move in 2003. I found a BBT thermometer and old tempting charts (that didn’t help me get a baby), many books about getting pregnant the natural way, a saliva fertility predictor (that didn’t help me bring home a baby), the Nu.va ring timer that told me when to insert a new one to help regulate my hormones in order to be pregnant which the dr swore I would be pregnant after atleast 3 rounds, and many other stupid items I bought to help bring me a baby – which also didn’t help. As I unpacked these items, I was revisited with all kinds of emotions and the one that I remember the most is desperation. I remember how I desperately wanted a baby and that If someone back then would have told me 4 yrs later I still would be struggling the same way, I think I would have giving up on hope and ended it all (I have been in a very dark place). And now that it is 4 yrs later, as much as it sucks, I am so much more knowledgeable than “that girl”, I miss her naivety, passion, and hope but I have learned a lot about who I am and how strong I am and how strong my marriage is. I have learned that I can weather a storm and hold strong unto my faith and family. It's not been all bliss and joy or intense pain either – but It has just Been – and I have a (sometimes dark) past but I have hope for a brighter future because of this experience - bet you can't wait for me to go back to talkin about my Cycles !!

More Keyword Analysis

I can not help myself from posting this again - the keywords are way to entertaining not to share (except the last one). So here ya go:

• TTC and Carrots - are you people being funny out there? Are there benefits to carrots that I should know about??
• Fertilize your brain - Can this be done? Maybe I am trying to fertilize the wrong things
• Can progesterone make me relaxed - I dunno can it? Goes against all i have read but who knows?
• heavy bleeding then it slows down, i had positive pregnancy test now bleeding - UGH so sorry you have to find MY blog of all blogs - I am truly sorry

I am typing this from my new apartment. We are 90% moved out of the old place. I am dog tired though. My poor hubby had to help move ALOT of heavy stuff then go to work tonight. I know he is way more tired than I am. Poor Guy.

The BFP theme is running rampet! I am so happy to see that persistence and treatments pay off!! Grats to all the BFP's running around out there.

Also, saying lots of prayers for those experiencing miscarriages, seems we got a good bit of those as well. I am very sorry and I grieve with you. It's just awfully sad. Sending my prayers up for us all!

WTF ?

THIS seriously better be a rumor . I have nothing nice to say about this .... infact I have said F*&K about this alot today - I heard it a few days ago and thought it was a joke ?!!?!?!!?

Who said money can't buy happiness? Obviously not an Infertile

I have decided Not to take the clo.mid. I am at peace with this decision. I dunno why I am or how I really got there. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do not think my RE did all he could do with the clo.mid and my cycles. Granted, I only did 1 under his care, but I do not feel that he wants to monitor me more closely on clo.mid. ( ie U/S’s, hc.g trigger shots) Maybe I am being naïve in thinking that those extra procedures would have worked. I am a lil uneasy about that. I am just going to have to trust that he knows more about reproductive procedures than I do in regards to my body’s responses. There is no going back and He may be completely right about it. I may just not be responding to the hateful drug and I need something more. It’s not uncommon. I just like to live in LA-LA land where there are fields of strawberries and rivers of chocolate. Meaning that I was “hopeful that a lil clomid would grant me a baby. I mean, I did do 4 previous rounds of clo.mid with absolutely no results. He did diagnosis my PCOS and prescribe metf.ormin. I have to say, my cycles have been some what consist since Feb. Even this time on clo.mid, I ovulated on CD17 and got my period 17dpo. That’s pretty “in the middle” I think. I do not want to keep taking cl.omid just to feel like I am “doing something” and it really not be effective for me. Like going through the motions .. .But I really wasn’t prepared for the injectible speech either. I really don’t know why, because he told me the same speech in February. But he also told me that I could do atleast 3 more rounds of Clom.id. So, basically, these last couple days I have been gathering information and calling for prices in the area. At this point, it’s all about the $$. I only have 1 other option in the area. So I called their office to get some prices and LORDY ME!!! At my current RE’s office (with less than stellar Nurse Bitchy and stats) I can do 2 IUI’s (including meds) for the cost of 1 (not including meds) at the other RE’s office (with better than stellar stats). Can I say OVERWHELMING?!?! ….. I want the best for me – ALWAYS- but my bank account says that I can’t. See the dilemma? It’s a feeling of having to settle. I hate that feeling. I do not think that my original RE is incompetent. I have confidence that he can perform a simple IUI procedure, but keeping nasty uninformed nurses on staff seems like bad business practice. Although, I’m not his office advisor, I am just there for a procedure, and at this point, I do not think he could really miss it up royally. Personality conflicts, to me, seem tedious. Does it really matter that my experience hasn’t been complete enjoyment? I mean we are talking about emotions, lost dreams, a big dose of reality, and a shit-ton of money/time/energy. This could be the last step of “operation knocked up” or this could be the very beginning of more treatments to come. We have pretty much decided to stick it out with current RE because he is more affordable. Give him a chance 2 times. *** WARNING/DISCLAIMER ( I could regret this in 3 or 4 months and I have the right to digress at that time – there will be no I told you so’s!!!)

CD3

My balance in the Universe has returned and I am doing much better - Sorry for the really long pity party I was hosting for myself- thank you all for enduring the painful read. I thought I needed a light hearted post, so here it goes.

I recently checked my recent keyword analysis and I want to help those in need:

• For the Googler that is looking when to fertilize carrots, I assure you, this is the wrong blog for that. I am still trying to figure out how this whole fertilization works.
• For the Googler that asks "If God is angry at me causing me to have infertility" I do not have any proof - this is solely my opinion but I do not think that God is causing anyone infertility because he is angry at them. Yeah it sucks but it's life sometimes and there are REALLY awesome people who will support you.
• For the Googler that searched "Crack Whores": sorry to mislead you and I doubt that you will find any one my blog
• For the Googler that "hates vegetables" - So sorry to hear that- I don;t like them all but i do have some favorites
• For the Googler that got 4 +OPK's in a roll - grats to you- good luck
• For the Googler that is taking CL.omid and still no sign of Ovulation on CD20, I have been there, done that, made a Tshirt. I am very sorry to hear that.
• For the Googler that wants to know where the Sun rises and Sets in FL- boy can I help you out. Rises on the East, Sets in the West. Check here (go to availability and see awesome sunrises over the Atlantic)

Just trying to do my part in helping ... (and post a fun blog - its been awhile since a fun blog) Feel free to play along

The pharmacy called today for me to pick up my Rx of Cl.omid - Do I go get it or leave it be? It did for the first time, combined with metformin, make me ovulate ... Could it hurt, while I wait ?!?

Life Revolving around Cycles

If you haven't read my update from my Dr's appointment today, here is the long and short of it - Clom.id didn't work well and I am moving to injectibles/IUI. Today is CD2, I technically have a chance to get med's to me by tomorrow in time to use them for CD3. However, my husband and I have decided to sit this cycle out. We are moving, adjusting to a new shift, recovering financially from moving, etc. It would be a big rush fest to with moving, $$, and sleep deprivation. So sticking to the assive of many of my relatives and fertiles, We are just relaxin' this cycle. I will call my Dr's office and cancel my CD8 U/S and ask to reschedule next cycle. I have cried all day today - for many reasons really- I'm sad we are moving on to bigger, badder, more aggressive treatments. From what I understand from my Dr is that C.lomid wasn't helping my body make a high enough supply of progesterone at the end of my cycles to enable a pregnancy. My numbers should have been somewhere around 20 and they were at 7. I have mixed feelings about this. My Dr NEVER truly did a 7dpo test, only a CD21. So is that a fair assumption to make on his part??!! I asked him and he insists that 4-5 days would not have make that great of a difference and that it is unnecessary to provide with me progesterone supplements/suppositories. Being that I am not a DR, and there is alot of conflicting research on progesterone, I am forced to believe him until proven otherwise. (any feelings on this)

Another reason is finances. It is so hard for me to grasp that I have to spend more than $25 (a bottle of wine) to get pregnant - after 4+ years, and just when I think I have come to terms with it, I have to justify it to family member(s) and close friend(s). *who are not infertile* Then I start feeling sorry for myself and that leads me into a talespin. Is this a feeling that I will revisit until I conceive or does it stay with you for ever? Can't I just get over it. I am NOT one of the lucky ones!! Why can't people just except that? Some people require a little assistance. It doesn't make them broken or whatnot, It should make them resourceful and diligent. But instead it makes us impatient and not relaxed ........then why does this lead into the "just relax, you are trying too hard" speech??

My Dr recommends 75 iu of Bravel.le from CD 3-8, U/S and blood draw on CD 8, about 7-10 more days of injections, U/S and trigger with ovi.drel. Then IUI 24 hours after trigger. Is this all about standard? I have never actually researched meds, units, amounts times and such? I am just making sure this is all about standard. I am contemplating calling another RE's office and getting prices for their procedures. Our Insurance does not cover any of this, so we are on our own, like alot of people. At this point, I do not feel any emotional/financial/bonding ties to my RE and I am not happy with the way that office makes me feel at all. The Dr does a fine job explaining things to me - but over all I have a take it or leave it attitude. I chose this Dr because I was under the assumption that they comp'd some treatments, but after today's lil meeting, I know otherwise. I was trying to ask the Dr for pricing and I know he may not completely have them memorized, but shouldn't he make arrangements for me to speak to the financial coordinator?? He just told the scheduler to schedule me for an U/S Monday and told me where to call to get the meds. It just feels so weird? I am going to call back tomorrow and ask about payments and stuff... I am feeling very overwhelmed and afraid of prices.

My husband is the kindest, most calm man on the planet. I left work today early, came home and discussed our options at' nauseum and even though I am sitting out 1 cycle, I feel like it will be good for us. I do not like rushing into things. Starting tomorrow - that rushes me. I like to have all my ducks in a row and all my instructions understood. Plus, I would be moving while mixing/giving myself the injections and my husband really said that he would feel better if things were alittle more organized - and he is right. Also, I have an apportunity to try and find Brave.lle from left over cycles and try to save some money.

Well by this point, I am sure you can tell what kind of day I had so far ...... SHITTY, just plain and simple SHITTY . My eyes and head hurt from crying so much.

CD 1 (with updates at the bottom)

Full on CD1, complete with cramps, irritating people and multiple trips to the bathroom. AF is here and making her "presents" known about every 20 mins. A required trip to the bathroom is much needed to keep from any incidents. (anyone knowledgeable about clotting, baby aspirin, endo.metriosis, implanting disorder?) I haven't been diagnosised with endome.triosis but the more cycles I do not get a BFP, the more I can't help myself to ask more questions. Does Heavy cramping, nasty clotting/expelled weird tissue, MTHFR auto-immune, spontaneous aborter, frequent tampon changes = possible endo? Or is it possible that Clo.mid can make me experience all of the above. It doesn't happen every period, just seems to happen at least every other period - but didn't happen at all from Jan - Jun when I was on a "break" from Dr's and Clo.mid. (neither did Ovulation either though)

OK enough with the gross talk - sorry, thanks for hangin' in. OK So you are aware it's CD1. I made that lovely "got my period, need more cl.omid" call to my Dr's office today. The nurse called me back at 2:30pm, and I asked her AGAIN about doing my blood test on CD3 and CD21. *my gyn was doing those, and this Dr only does the CD21 and I am confused on why not more monitoring also why shouldn't I be doing 7dpo blooddraws and not just CD21 blood draws? My though process - I have PC.OS, I do not have a 28 days cycle (insert hysterical laugh here), and those CD21 tests are assuming that I do have a 28 day cycle and CD21 would be 7dpo - so why the hell am I doing a test based on the assumption of a "normal woman" at a RE office???? I feel like we are missing a piece of the puzzle. I truly understand that the normals out there are only given a 20% of pregnancy each month - and the nurse told me that because I ovulated last month, I only had a 20% chance also - and because I ovulated last month, I am being placed in the "normal" category. I have to admit, I'd liked nothing more to be NORMAL, but I assure you I AM NOT a normal cycling woman. She also informed me that my "clomi.d injectible" (smart nurse huh) would screw up my OPK results. I insisted that cl.omid was not an injectible and that clo.mid was suggested to be used in conjuction with OPK's and should not alter my results in any way, shape or form. I am dealing with Rock Scientists it seems. She also informed me that I was asking complicated questions and she suggested I have a Dr consult since I have so many difficult questions and I want to make exceptions to their procedures. SOOOOOOOOOOO, with that said, I have an appointment tomorrow at 8:45 am. I dunno if this is the right place for me, We will find out tomorrow. I don't know what else to do. I am not new at this, but I have not experienced any other forms of fertility treatments except clomid. I just need to ask a few questions and hopefully have him ease my mind. I am confused on why my gyn monitored me more on clo.mid than him. Why do I feel like some piece of the puzzle is going unnoticed? If I have doubts, why can't the nurse put me at ease, even if it is for 10 minutes?? Why do I feel like I know way more about reproductive medicine than this hussy of a nurse? I am going to run down my list of questions and any thoughts on them would be MUCH appreciated:

1. Why am I doing CD21 day test and not a 7dpo test specific to my cycle?
2. Would we be able to tell something more at a 7dpo blood draw that we would not be able to detect at the random cd21 blood draw?
3. Why did the nurse say that progesterone is rarely prescribed?
4. Why did your nurse tell me that clom.id would alter my opk results?
5. Do you think U/S for monitoring and measuring my follicles would benefit or increase my chances of getting pregnant while on clomid?
6. Is it possible to ovulate and release an egg that is not mature enough for fertilization/implanting?
7. Do you think it is possible to learn something from U/S monitoring my ovaries on c.lomid?

I am tired of the tried and tried and tried method of wait and see. I am ready to partake in the medium sized guns ( IUI"s if that is necessary). I have done the wait and see game for 4+ years and it didn't kill me but it has surely has damaged me. I just want to maximize my cycles as much as possible - PLEASE leave me your thoughts/opinions/history - since I finally ovulated last month, do you think I should stick it out a few more months and suck it up and wait and see then monitor or Do you think we could learn something from a month of monitoring. I will have to pay out of pocket for all the U/S, injectibles and such but I am willing to do this if it means helpful information and knowledge to come for later cycles.

*** Update*** Kudos to my sleep deprived Husband who worked all night and showed up at the dr. office in time for the visit!!! The Dr. agrees that Clom.id at 150mg a day 5-9 isn’t cutting it. I am barely getting by and he totally agrees that I should be alarmed by my low progesterone levels. He agrees that my # should be in the 20+ range on that much clomi.d., but it isn’t. It was 7. He agrees that I am just spinning my wheels and wasting a lot of time/energy on the fat chance that my body gets its act together and does some kind of fierce extreme improvement in clo.mid …. I could not agree more!!!! So we are moving on to injectibles (brave.lle) with IUI as an option. I called the pharmacy that they recommend. It’s relatively affordable. I have placed a phone call into the Dr’s insurance coordinator because, our crappy insurance will not cover anything other that a diagnosis. I want to be aware of all the costs and see if we can start this month – or have to wait til next or whenever we have the money. We are in the process of moving and have spent a lot of unforeseen funds in the process. So, seems like I am back to square one .. I have another post coming – just need to stomach all of this first.

CD almost 1

My period has finally started to arrive. Glad she didn't feel the need to be timely, I'd hate to rush her along. So, Yeah yeah, My dr office can say "i told you so". (but they better not ;)) It's weird brown, spotty, thick, and sludgey like (this isn't the first time - doesn't happen every time either). I assume that is not good and probably why I can not ever get pregnant, but the Dr's are never alarmed by this description. I should have known that my period was on it's way today. I chewed out some poor sales guy at pen.ney's today. We went to see a bed I found on their website. Just a FYI - you may already know this , maybe I'm the only one on the planet that didn't know- The stuff on their website may not in the stores, they are considered two separate stores ...WTF ???? It's all Freakin' the same name ... but if I want the bed I saw for $149, I will have to order it without seeing it through the catalogue orderer and pay $200 for shipping for 7-10 business days. And If I do not like the merchandise, I will only be refunded $149 + tax ............. Anyone else find that disturbing?? Oh I also should add that I was not allowed to receive the item at the store, it must be shipping directly to my house, which means since I work 1 hour away from my house, and I work during shipping hours, I would have to make arrangements to expect a delivery between 12-6. I SERIOUSLY HATE this store right now ... DOn't worry, I called and filed an official Complaint ... Yeah telltale signs of AF and I clearly missed them ... Did I mention, I really like this picture of the bed frame ... Gosh. What a Hassle.
On a more positive note: I am going to a mind/body class tomorrow with an ex co-worker/still friend. The class is for women who have experienced or experiencing IF. I am looking forward to this. It should be very fun and educational. Maybe I won't be so timid and shy - which is NOT the person I am. Get me in a crowd of women and I become this weird recluse hermit crab that wants to crawl in my dark hole and rock back and forth. It's very bizarre watching/experiencing myself doing this. It's insecurity to the nth degree. (just a lil side effect of IF for me)
I guess I am going to call my Dr's office tomorrow and set up the CD3 bloodwork and get my Cl.omid Rx filled and go buy more OPK's. Gear up for all the festivities. Oh did i mention, in my spare time, we are also moving literally 60-80 yrds from my front door now?!?!? What was I thinking?? It is a newer more spacious abode and I cannot wait to be full service living over on the other side. It's a 3 bedroom 2 bath and we are crammed in a 1 bedroom 1 bath now. My father came to the new place today and helped reinforce the closet shelves - they were pathetic. After 3 trips to that store with the orange/white sign that makes a killing on home remodeling, We managed to still not get everything we needed - so more reinforcing to do at a later date relatively soon. Hopefully, I will have all the old apartment pack up and ready to unpack the new apartment this weeknd. Oh did I also mention that my husband and I are on completely opposite schedules as of today also?? Yep thats right I go to work at 7 am get home around 7 pm, he will be at work at 7 pm returning home at 8 am ... Think baby makin is going to be a challenge or what?!?! We will get every other weekend together - think my ovaries will cooperate that well? AH the wonders of that thing called life.