looky here

i failed my 3 hr because they lost the 2 middle blood draws .. i had 2 choices- do the test again or just diagnosis me with it so i do not have to repeat the test - I chose to be just diagnosed with it. So now i have to go to different dr's appointment for diabetes (tomorrow) and i have to stick my finger ~4-6 times a day. She said they would be sending me out for growth scans. I informed her that we are already sent out for growth scans. I had one Monday and will have another in 3 weeks. (insert alil frustration here- pay attention read my file)

I have to admit I am alil bummed out - but It's not the end of the world and I will do my very best to not let this bring my spirits down and make the best of the situation.

Here is more picture progress:

More self absorption brought to you by the Letter P

warning - rant/vent session from a tired, frustrated, fearful, hormonal pregnant lady let down by her dr's office and body again:

P for pissed off -

I know that I am so self absorbed about my 3 hr gtt test- I hear myself saying things in my head like "OH My G-D get over yourself", "stop being such a whiny kid", "just take the damn test"

I keep repeating myself like a broken record : "I know this is ,by no means, the end of the world". I do also know that there are actual, real, terrible things going on right now. Things that are beyond comprehending. And I am sitting here wallowing in my own lil world, worrying about my self absorbed bruised lil arms. (insert eye roll) Yes, I am tired of myself!

I am just ultra pissed off- My Ob's office did work very hard to try and make the pic line happen. Right after I posted the blog about how I am so grateful they helped me out - I hit the publish button, called the number she gave me to schedule the appointment with. Found out I needed to call My OB coordinator back because there was a "miscommunication". Called my OB coordinator back, left a message for her to return my call ..... she never called me back- and at 2:45pm today I called her back - I debated not calling her back and just saying "a few four letter words here"- but against my better judgement or my concern for my baby, I called again - I am gluten for punishment. I received news that no one will(or wants to) do the pic line, So I just need to go get stuck by the lab 4 times on Tuesday morning. I mean what do they care- It's not their arm that hurts and bruises for weeks, nor are they the ones that have to stick me over and over.

The lesson here for me - One day I will learn not to fight the system. One day I will go with the flow. I just try to look out for me (and now my baby in utero) - but the world is not operated that way. We have set standard ways of doing everything- a one size fits most and if you aren't the "most"- suck it up. I should be used to not being that "most" in the one size fits most world ... You would think that I would have lowered my expectations by now ..Silly Me. I am just mad that I think PCOS is coming back to haunt me, even now. I thought I could stop thinking about insulin resistance for at last 9 months ... but Looks like that's a negative. I think the frustration comes from feelings of disappointment in my body resurfacing and having fear set in awfully too close to home again. I know that is is quite normal for many to fail the 1 hr and pass the 3 hour. I am afraid that My body is going to start failing me now- Now that we have come this far, and that is a scary place to let your mind go to.

Thank God it is Friday - I need the break. I was planning on working tomorrow to make up time for all my upcoming dr's/lab appointments Monday and Tuesday, but I think I just need a break.

I do apologize know for this ungrateful, fearful post .. It's just fear and it needs to get out of my head -- I am hoping that hitting post - Makes it less haunting and less controlling over me

I am "that" Patient

My poor OB nurse is working for her pay with me. I know that she will be soooo very very glad when I have delivered Mini.

She worked for her $'s today and yesterday and found a lab (actually the L&D Lab Center of the hospital I will deliver at) who will administer a pick line( not sure if that is the correct medical term for it). They will flush it out with hep.arin before each draw (since we know I respond fine to hep.) I am instructed to get 150 grams of extra carbs a day for 3 days prior to the test. I will take the test Tuesday morning - so Monday night, I am instructed to stop eating/drinking at midnight. After I receive my first fasting blood specimen, I can have water.

They wanted me to take the test Monday, but I have my MFM appointment at 9 and it is very far away from the hospital in which I need to go to. So it has to be tuesday. On Monday- we get another growth scan. I cannot wait and still hope that there will be only good news from that.

This eases my mind some what. It is still filled with worry, anxiety, fear, disappointment, guilt etc. I limit my sugars as it is. (very rare do I enduldge on juices/sodas, candy, cookies, sweets, etc) I was worried this would happen since we already knew I am insulin resistant. I know in my heart, no matter what, I will be ok ..It's my mind that is off filling my head with bad things.

The nurse at the ob's on friday did not send in my urine for analysis - therefore the ob nurse asked today if I would repeat that urine sample to check for a UTI. I am going tomorrow morning to a lab to do that urine sample - she was so upset that I have to do it again. (and very apologetic) She is so sweet to me - I told her that it was easy to stop in a do a urine sample. She had done me a huge favor and made me feel much better abut the gtt test that I had absolutely no problem doing a urine sample over.

This is all no big deal- I know -pregnancy hormones make everything seem like the end of the world. There is just so much fear involved. I know that this too shall pass.. and so will I. Thank you for the kind words/comments/thoughts/prayers.

No more Sugar .. but maybe some extra spice

Thank you so much for not posting any negative comments about my previous video/post. I debated whether to post it or not - I went back and forth- It shows one of my nasty heart surgery scars and I know that some DO NOT want to see a pregnant belly - and I realize after the fact that it didn't even get the disclaimer because it posted on top of the original post- So thank you for those that did not enjoy it and still did not flame me for posting it w/o a warning - I do apologize. And for those that did enjoy it - thanks for the vote of confidence. I really wanted to share it with y'all since I tend to share everything else!

I failed the 1 hour gtt - my number was 167 - so They want me to do the 3 hr gtt. I explained to the nurse that I am a bad stick(read any previous post that invloved givig blood) - I currently have a huge bruise on both arms now as it is from tryig to squeeze alil blood out of me for the 1 hr test. There is no way that my body will allow me to give blood for the 3 hour test. It took 4 lab techs to get the are minimun out of my body for the 1 hour -- the 3 hour is going to be brutal on my veins and I'd prefer to not do it if there are other options..so i wait ..and hope there are other options. They cannot consider me gd w/o the 3 hour test and my insurance w/o cover any additional testings unless I do the 3 hour tests. Therefore I cannot have my metformin back. I asked if I could do my own blood sugar monitoring? I wait for answers ...

Also I am anemic and need to start taking 2 iron supplements a day -- She told me to take it w/ orange juice. I laughed and informed her that surely the OJ would up my sugars. She sighed and said Yes, don't take it with OJ, try and eat more iron enriched foods .....

This will all work out and I will stop being frustrated soon.. but right now - I am in the "i just wish a sista could catch a break" mode. This too shall pass.

We took my 29 week picture last night - I found that I wore the same shirt at 20 weeks .. here is the difference:

Evolution of Me's

This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.

I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.

Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.

Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.

TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.

This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)

Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.

So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.

NT Scan Results

Risk for Downs (based on age) = 1:523
After Scan/Blood Test = 1:10,441

Risk for Trisomy 18 & 13 (based on age) = 1:917
after Scan/Blood Test = 1:18,329


AH Sweet Victory!!!!

Today was the start of 1/2 pre.dnis.one and my last pro.ges.tero.ne (which i was taking for mere comfort) and my last me.tfo.rm.in until my OB tests my sugars. I should have those tested in a few weeks. My next appointment is jan 11th and the OB midwife is asking if they want my sugars tested before that appointment. If not i will wait and do the blood test for sp.ina bi.fida and my sugars around 15 weeks. I am really starting to feel my excitement brewing.

Question - food for thought - We rent from a self owned condo, am I supposed to inform my landlard that we are currently "the p word"?

Thanks for the great/wonderful ego boosting comments in the "fam picture". Being a bigger girl - you always seem to have some sort of insecurities ya know ... And to answer Barb's question: YES OMG i so want this baby to have my husband's red hair. Isn't it SO beautiful ?!?!?!!! How could you not ..