Lot's of Limbo

Ok Where were we, Oh yes... Crazy landlords, Looking for houses, moving, planning a 3rd birthday party, celebrating Father's Day ....

The Skinny:

• MT turned 3 a few weeks ago. (oh how I have a blog about 3yr old's .... O EM GEE)
• We are in week 3 living w/my parents (but who's counting)
• everything I own is in storage except 5 outfits
• We are currently in the midst of getting financing for a FHA loan. And dealing with a head spinning process. "Since the economy took a dump, loans have tightened their belt and become pretty intense." - was the quote our bank keeps repeating to us. We have filled out more paperwork that I have ever had to do. AND if your credit is not Pristine, You have to write letters and document EVERYTHING! (and we have something on our report for a large sum that is not ours) So yesterday, I spent 6 hrs calling on issues/discrepancies, faxing, writing letters, and running to the post office. I think we know have everything hashed. But now, it's a waiting game. We have to wait to see how long it takes to reflect on our credit report. In the mean time (3 week period dealing w/credit mess) , 4 of the 6 houses in the area I am interested in have sold.
• I am trying not to get discouraged from all the financial hurdles, red tape and lengthy process. I am trying to keep my eye on the prize but Some days are more difficult than others.
• My children are just used to Mommie at home but since we have moved in w/my parents, there are atleast 2 (sometimes 3) adults at home and they are getting spoiled and losing patience's if there is not instant gratification. - It makes me head explode
• I have decided to take over our MOPS Chapter at our church. I am not sure I am ready for this but things had been leading up to this for the past few months. There became a need ago few months and I accepted a few days ago. I am not 100% confident in my ability But I am ready to accept this challenge. I am not sure what it all entailed yet either. I have a lot of planning to do to get ready too
• Of course, we got E's new work schedule - Which should not be called new because it is the exact same shift he has been working the past 4 yrs. Rotating me Butt! I am not sure their definition of rotating ....
• My Aunt lost her fight with Cancer a few days ago (Father's Day to be exact). After 20 ish yrs of treatments, surgeries, procedures, and experimental meds, She was taking from us. Honestly, I think she was the best person I ever knew. Genuine, and Everyone liked her instantly. She Really IS that great. The world lost a great soul and she will be greatly missed.
• We found out a few months ago (at her HS graduation in the end of may) that my 17 yr old sister in law and her 24 yr old BF were expecting. I swallowed a lot that day and told her congratulations. We got to talking and she was not exactly excited about it. So I offered an ear to her and told her if she needed to talk about things give me a call. Our relationship has always been strained. My MIL hates me and makes my life pretty miserable and has pretty much bad mouthed me to all her children ( she has 10). Since I cuold see that my SIL was hurting, I just extended myself to her. A few days ago.. The same 24 hrs that I found out my precious Aunt dies, My SIL called me after her regular scheduled U/S, the baby had no heart beat and the fetus had not been measuring at the ~approx 10 weeks she thought she was. She is using public assistance for medical help therefore the u/s was at the hospital and her dr was at the health dept. She was pretty confused, had a pretty crappy nurse and a pretty crappy experience. She talked to her mom and basically her mom is No help, and possibly causing her more harm. She is stuck in limbo at the moment ... Since it is public health, she had to wait a few days to get the results from the hospital back to the health depart., They have taken blood work (on Friday, Monday, and Wednesday and this morning) to see if her numbers are going down, but haven't gotten those results back yet either .. She is also NOT requesting them give her a definite. She is not really wanting to deal with not being pregnant or being pregnant .. She is so overwhelmed and I feel bad for her. She has called me a few times and I am just there to listen and I have to hold my tongue so much. So, I guess we will all find out on Monday. She is scheduled to get another U/S and get the results from all her bloodwork

Other than that - we are here, we are living and trying to keep up.

Ink and Bling

Thank you for all the Bloggie Birthday Wishes, I appreciate them. I already have started to feel that foggy stuffy, heavy feeling of anguish lift off me.

Last night I was watching the new season of that house wife show that is based in NY.C. They introduced a new castmate for the season. (not that it completely matters -but she did do IVM to become pregnant with her twins who are now 16 months old and just watching the first episode I could write about 4 blogs on idiotic misnomers ) The twins happen to be the same age as my youngest. Another fun fact - she posted that she weighed 200 lbs when she was pregnant w/ the twins and HOLY COW , Look at her now ?!. Motivation for me! I can do this ;) ok None of that is actually the topic is which really intrigued me.

She owns a salon. This Salon. Which brings me to what I can't stop thinking of and the marketing possibilities I can help her with. Her salons perform Va.jazz.les AND Pe.nazzle.s!

(oh the unwanted googling traffic I may get) And if that wasn't enough for you, She has now is adding Va.tooing .. I am totally serious! If you don't believe me, Look Here.. Watching these Videos got me thinking - She is Missing a whole different level of clientele ... AND Therapy for her Business.

I mean think of this - Fertility treatments and procedures are ALL ABOUT down there .. You know where ..Ok so,Yes, I am totally going to Go there:

Imagine: Here I am going to the RE/Gyn/OB for Di.ldocam U/S #4 ...... I could go in a get a Va.too or Va'b.ling (yes, I just made up that word) "#4" FOR FUN And pampering And to lighten the Mood. Make it Playful. You know, give me that Extra " I've got a va.too/Va.bling and you will never know" feeling as you pass people in the parking lot or sit in the waiting room ...

Or Get a lil Jazzle for IVF #2, or IUI#1, on and on ..... Put a lil Perk in your step and get a lil bling. Yes? No? Or maybe I have completely lost my mind.

I think it would be hilarious, fun, and pampering to make a few of these appointments before heading to the Frt Clinics. I mean, let's start embracing our bodies. I know it may Seem a lil out there. But I think it sounds slightly Fun and Flirty.

I just think that the IF procedures or so violating and impersonal, Why not.. Have some fun with it. Anything to help get us through it. AND who knows, Maybe it helps put some Pizazz and Spunk back in your relationship ... I know I could have used some spunk and pizazz in that department. Just sayin'

What do you think?

My Take

My take ,so far, on Parenting After going through Fertility Treatments* -
I have been asked a few times about this this week. By blog comments, emails, real life friends and a girl I ran into at a playgroup.

The Magic Moment of holding that precious body that you have yearned for is indescribable. I do not think there are words in the English language for this feeling. I know that for me - It affected all of my senses.

What I recognize most from myself is that I do tend to think very much of "in the moment" experiences. I am very aware that I am not going to get that moment back. I do savor it. Even the rough days. I find myself stating the obvious. "He's going to be older in a minute".

Early on, I stressed about being the Perfect parent. Doing everything the right way. Because I was sure there was a right way. All the books, Dr's, therapists, parents say there is. I mean, I have been an armchair parent before. ( you know - watching others parent and swearing to never make THAT mistake if given the chance to parent. I mean GEEZ it's Obvious) Never taking into consideration that Not all children are the same. Not all families are the same. Not all situations are the same ... There are choices for a reason.

Do I think infertility had a part in my decision to quit my job and mostly staying at home. Yes and No. Yes, I would be lying if I didn't admit to thinking and saying "What If this is my only chance at motherhood?" It weighed in equally with "What type of Mother do I want to be?". I allowed myself to think long term for once. Going through treatments, I never thought long term. I thought in cycles, periods, seasons. How would my job, long term, help our family. Provide for us. How does daycare play into the equation? .. I am sure that many of these thoughts are shared with the fertiles of the world also.

Learning to go with the Flow. Learning the temperament of MT. We are still learning to live with each other, Learning to speak each other's languages. Learning Patience's from each other. Learning how to be a family of 3. Learning how to be a Wife and a Mother and a part time employee. Learning to share him with my parents/relatives. There are growing pains. So far, the only thing that remains constant in my life is that fact that things are going to change. I wasn't that great with change to begin with. Change and I are learning to co-exist and adapt.

Socializing. This is very hard for me. I am still awkward in my role. I am getting more comfortable but still have a hard time figuring out how to balance. So far I have found it difficult to have a meaningful conversation with another mom on certain topics. The sleeping, napping, eating, milestone topics. Uhm which basically sum up all New moms like to discuss. I haven't watched a full episode of anything lately - SO I am behind on my all celebrity/reality show junk. Plus, at playgroups, I am making sure my child only eats a few bugs, very little leaves and received minor bruising from all his attempts/determination to balance on 2 legs. With his super human speed and strength, I need a Hawk Eye and about 4 more arms. I have very little brain power to listen AND respond properly while trying to predict my 9.5 month olds next move. Thank God for my dose of Ellen every day to help keep me in touch with the outside world. And the Soup.

It also seems that every person I meet wants to know when the next one is coming. "oh don't you just want another?" I have no idea how to answer this question. It's such a loaded question. I overheard a discussion the other day at the park. This woman and her husband want a baby by March 2010. She was carrying a 4-6 month old, chasing after a 2 ish yr old. I looked at my husband and quietly said, Wouldn't you love to open your datebook and declare such things? To me, to be able to actually have sex with my husband, on purpose, with a sole intention of having another baby in 9 months sounds fictional. You know, Pick the month*ish that you wanted to deliver. Sounds like Super powers to me. But, there are people out there that PLAN this. and Achieve this. It was said to me, Well that's just what Stay at home Mom's do. That is kind of like their job. I guess there is a point. That just seems so foreign. Cannot.Compute. Therefore, I tend to get a lil awkward with this topic.

I went to a new playgroup for the first time this week and ran into a Girl that I met a few times at our local resolve chapter. I also ran into her at my RE's office while I was undergoing IUI#2 . (the one that resulted in my pregnancy with MT). Basically, she outed me. I was very uncomfortable/embarrassed for a good few minutes. There was silence in the group. We were in a pretty large group of moms that I have never met before. I mean, I don't like labels. But labeling/stereotyping exists and I am hoping that no one will remember .. Or maybe they will ...

So parenting after ferti. It is a contact sport. It is what you make of it. It's not what I thought it would be. It's better and worse. It's the grey area. It's awesome and overwhelming. It's not the same for everyone, yet there can be similarities. We all do not want the same thing. Tolerance is a good balancing act. And In a perfect world I would get to experience it with another child or two.

*I say after fertility treatments, Because Technically I still feel infertile.

laissez-faire

I haven't admitted this story to anyone yet: One night when I pregnant with MT, my mother called and told me that she and my dad had bought a pack n play to keep at their house for MT to use when we were over there. I lost it .. I was so pissed off that she had purchased something for the baby. It was before I had actually purchased anything myself. They got it because it was on sale at the baby super store and it matched the decor of my mom's house. I was Such a horrible daughter/person this night. I almost made them return it because it was not THE ONE that the books suggested were best .... Yes Me, the baby product snob, who had actually never owned any baby products. It was not the favored brand, therefore it was not acceptable for MT to use ..... I was crying hysterically on the phone because "they should have consulted me". I mean, I was the one reading all the books and studying all the reviews and filling my brain with all this "knowledge".

I can post about this now, because I am not pregnant anymore and I am actually not that person anymore. I have taken a few steps back into reality with a few less hormones. I have also realized that this baby is mine, but as much as I can complain, My parents are actually huge helpers. And More in love with this child than they are with me and my sister .... Don't believe me? Just Trust me.

I posted the picture yesterday, and I knew that plenty would think that I had lost my mind .... or something to the likes of that... When I first saw that email, i just shook my head. I mean, I wasn't necessary ecstatic about it obviously .. but What am I to do. Which is the real reason I am posting.

That picture represents the many different personalities and education that MT will soak up from being around my family, E and I. I am trying my best to allow my family to show MT love in their own way. I have learned that is it truly pure love and joy when you allow people to love you in the way that they are most comfortable and natural doing There are alot less feelings of angst, pressure to preform, and hopefully lessened anxiety. This has been a bit of a re-programming for me. This is not the old me at all. I like to tell people how things need to be done.

Pre-MT, I was a person who would fight a battle for what ever it cost, just because. I would do things certain ways, because they HAD to be done that way. I would instruct (ie strongly suggest) others to do them that way also ... Why, because I did it that way and it obviously is the more right way. High Strung, Wound Tight are words that I would use to describe myself at times . ..

What having MT has taught me was that there are no right ways to do things. There are preferences, guidelines, examples, suggestions, common sense, etc.

In the beginning of MT's life, I was exhausted. Dog Tired. There really wasn't much that wasn't exhausting. When I am exhausted, I really don't care a whole lot about details. So, When My parents or E would assist in helping care for MT, I didn't give much instruction. I mean the simple stuff: He ate at X time, he will most likely be hungry at Y time, feed him this when you thin he is hungry. He sounds like this or does this when he gets hungry/sleepy. We were extremely blessed, He didn't have any medical complications. Early on, Getting him to drink a bottle w/o falling asleep was challenging but other that than, he was a very easy newborn. So, I didn't feel the need to give detailed instructions. I mean these people have been around him just like I had been, we all started to recognize and pick up on his cues.

What I am saying is, I didn't/don't want to feel that ball of nerves that I feel when I am bothered by something some one is doing because they aren't doing it like I would do it - as long as there is not harm being caused. Basically, it's about controlling everything. I am learning that I am able to enjoy life more when I am not trying to control everything. I get to sit back and enjoy the ride and see the scenery. So I have been practicing letting that controlling part of me go. I get better and worse depending on the day of the week/month. I know that each of us have different things to offer MT and I do not want to inhibit his relationships because of my shortsightenedness. (as long as they are not harmful) Like a poster said, My parents did raise me and my sister and we are still alive and doing just fine. There are things that we have talked about at great length. I feel like they try to respect how we are choosing to raise MT. (most days) I feel like MT will benefit from them just as much as they benefit from Him. They receive such great and pure joy from him. Sometimes it is intense to experience. Many times has it brought tears to my eyes. I mean, I feel great joy from him, But it is incredible to see the bliss on their faces and the care and love they hold for him. I never actually thought about that much during my pregnancy. I just knew that we wanted MT so badly, I wasn't able to see how much my parents would love on him.

So, with all that said, 2009 is going to be about enjoying the scenery of this journey and not having to always be the tour guide or instructor. And just like the photo, It is Scary!

On a side note, my poor lil MT is drooling and whining so much because 3 top teeth coming in at one time. Who new that was possible. Poor lil guy

All this

inspired by a question from another blogger :
"And so this is a very personal question but I wonder how faith has informed your journey -- if it has."

This post was going to be a comment as a question asked from another blogger's post. Then I decided I should just share it on my blog because I have actually never really written about this touchy/taboo/forbidden topic

I was raised Me.tho.dist with a ba.ptist mother and a met.hodist father who met at a metho.dist college.
Somewhere between the age of 4-6 as a child growing up going to sunday school, I asked my mother if the nursery rhyme about Mary having a little lamb was about Jesus because of stories I was told at sunday school and the experience of going to a public elementary school where religion was not discussed.

In Junior High, church was more about my socialization than anything. There were people there that I liked hanging out with and my parents didn't ever mind taking me to any church event. So, It was a win win situation.. Middle School Years were very hard for me. It was such an awkward stage of growing up .. and the friends I met at church made it easier to deal with every day life ... It's actually amazing that Most of my friends from Middle School Years still keep in touch one way or another

In High School, I began questioning some of the teachings and lessons learned at our youth church. I was not a complete rebellion, but I did tend to ask alot of questions. I just won't take the "because it says so, or I said so" or Everyone has to believe it route. I investigated on my own. I needed to understand the beliefs before I could believe in them .. And not simply believe because everyone else did. I guess I would be what is considered a skeptic? I was not out right defiant about it. This personality trait did not make me well liked among the leaders but that also was ok with me because I was not creating their Faith and Values, I was creating mine.

In College, I went to many many different organizations and groups just to see what was out there. I ended up finding a group that I spent a few yrs going to. They are funded by the Asse.mbly of Go.d demon.ination. (something I was not familiar with) But the People were really nice and open and I enjoyed their meetings. I actually met E there. (Which is also so strange because E was raised in a Ca.tholic home - even attending Cath.olic schools) . Again, I still did not believe in everything the organization believed in.

My views tend to be many different shades and not all about either black or white all the time.

E and I got married in my church from childhood. It was actually the biggest controversial thing in his family. His father refused to go to his only child's wedding because he didn't think E should marry for one ... another reason being I was not cath.olic. E's mother was married to E's father, but only because she got pregnant at 16 and both were catholic. I am not really sure of the whole reasoning but E says it has something to do with babies needing the spiritual atonement when they come down the birth canal ... E's parents were married for like 10 months, then they divorced. E's mother has since remarried many times but could never be married in the church's eyes again because she annulled her first marriage to E's father then Remarried and divorced him also .... Tangent .. sorry .. all this to say that E's mother was all worried that our marriage would not be legal in the eyes of god because it was not done a ta catholic church. We assured her that the State of Fl would recognize it.

After Marriage, we did alot of church hopping. Mostly because I have this inability to find what I am looking for I guess. I have certain standards/criteria that need to be met. I don't know why really ...

Then a few yrs of TTC did me in with my views and beliefs. I was no longer a believer of some of the same things I used to value. Basically, alot of my personal beliefs were being challenged and I hated it. So I stopped attending churches altogether. I felt like it was pretty pointless. I think it would be fair to say that there were ups and downs with my faith over the past 6+ yrs. But one thing that TTC did have me discover was eastern religions. Breathing, techniques, yoga, acupuncture, herbs, unconventional ways of thinking. Which I really have enjoyed learning about

I also believe me achieving pregnancy has had a positive impact on my values and beliefs and has allowed some healing in unconventional ways. I am not sure I would have been able to understand or get through different situations in the past year w/o the experiences I lacked before strurglling through my TTC years. Eat, Pray, Love and The Shack played a huge part in these healings also. These books (and a few others along with all of your blogs) have allowed me to examine myself and encourage me in so many ways. I have been encouraged to be myself and enjoy the present. I am inspired to learn and understand my surroundings and my beliefs much more than ever before.

Some things are only learned from the depths

*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand

You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.

I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.

I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.

You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..

I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.

I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.

I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...

So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....

So Much to Say

Where do I begin ...... 120 post all marked as read .. I hated to do it but had to. I love google reader that allows you to just read all items. I skimmed and didn't comment much at all. Congrats to those that had babies while I was away. So very exciting.

Well, It's been a week since I really had full computer use. Last Sunday, MT and I drove to my sister's. He slept the entire trip. I left late hoping he would sleep the whole way. (5 hours) He was not aware that there was a time change so that gave me an extra hour of daylight to drive. *He still is not aware of the time change. He wants to go to bed about an hour before we want him to go to bed thus waking up earlier. We have been gradually stretching this out. Seems like today, we finally have it worked out.

My sister and I took care of all the final details and managed to get most everything done before E and My parents arrived Wednesday night. Thursday, My dad and I made food for the reception that my sister requested and managed to do it in record time. Everything just went really smooth. (of course there were some not so pleasant times, but we seems to work through them to give the whole weekend a peaceful feeling)

This weekend, "making babies" was a huge topic. You know, When you get married, You are supposed to automatically discuss this topic (insert sarcastic overtone).. .. Discuss Grand babies, Children, How many you want to have, when you are thinking about having them ...... etc.. "We aren't getting younger: .....I have decided that we totally rush things and spend mental/verbal/imaginary time in conversations/daydreams/thoughts and we totally should not. This is when I believe anxiety and mental anguish begins. And this is unfair to do to ourselves .... It's romanticised up .. I think it can be an an injustice to some. My sister is a very unique individual, This is going to be a HUGE change for her life. (marriage) I respect her for the way she has chosen to live her life.. I do... It is a life of Integrity. It is her life and not mine .. She is able to live it the way she wants to ... My sister and I had a REALLY good talk Tuesday night. I discovered some very deep, dark feeling on a topic that we had discussed before. Birth Control. My sister is terrified that she may have to have an experience with IF. She has her own views on BC. She has also stated that she is not ready to be a parent yet. *Since blogging, I have found an understanding for differences. Her views of this topic are somewhat different from mine and I try my very best to accept that. But, Let me tell you that it is MUCH easier to accept a difference of opinion from someone other than your younger sibling. ..sigh, I wish I were a better person, I wish I knew my feelings and emotions better so I could explain them more clearly.. After having a conversation about family planning (read: a yelling match until I figured out why I was yelling)... I realized how much emotional baggage I am still holding onto from my own IF journey. Yes, I said it... It still bothers me deeply. I have a baby and I still have not let go of all my hurt, anger and despair. I have now changed my thoughts on that subject now. Pre Baby Me - somehow didn't think about how I would cope/deal with alot of the baby topics. And it is not going as I expected. My sister even said that Since I had MT she assumed that all those negative hurtful feelings just disappear or go away .. I shared with her how deep those feelings go ... She was blown away that I was so candid and raw. Just a blubbering mess really ... I cried and cried and sobbed for what seemed like forever .. I actually cried myself to sleep. I have been running on adrenaline and exhaustion for quite some time that I just had never had time to think about these topics much. but faced with the discussions .. I crumpled .. I still have miles to go with digging up these feelings and dealing with them, but I hope one day I am truly able to embrace all pregnancies w/out envy or jealousy. I want to be able to genuinely be happy for whomever ... I do not want to feel the hair on the back of my neck draw up and my mind want to retreat and run or spit venom...

Ok on another note. I am reading this book ..I am just thoroughly enjoying this book. It is knocking my socks off .. I am in awe of this story .. A few more chapters and I will be done ..I may re-read it again

MT had his follow up appointment with the pediatric urologist today. Luckily, his minor ad.hes.ion's and a hydr.ocele have mostly corrected itself. The h.ydrocele did not turn out to be a her.nia and that part will not require surgery. The adhesion's ,on the other hand, have become very loose (which is partly a good thing - but partly a bad thing) but will require surgery. So, On Dec 22, MT will have the surgery to correct the issue. I am just nervous about this .... I just wish this didn't have to turn out this way for him ... He will never remember is what I am hoping

You know you just wanted to see pictures and I prolonged it:

Trick or Treat

We took MT to my parents for Halloween. Actually we, Left MT at my parents for a few hours tonight while E and I went out to dinner. It was a pretty weird feeling. Eating a meal that was hot and with 2 hands. It felt nice but foreign. and he has only been here with us for 4.5 months ...

My Halloween pumpkin:


OK ..this is a warning, I have (over)shared lots on this blog, but I am about to go into intimacy with some emotional detail .. If you know me in real life and don't care to know this much info about me, you should take my warning. (although, I don't see a problem with you reading on)

E and I had a HUGE discussion,/fight/conversation last night. To say that our intimacy needs improving is probably an understatement. As so many know, intimacy somewhere along the way got lost. (and for those that didn't lost it - send me your secret) It was all about timing, dr's appointments, cycle schedules. I would not use the words spontaneous, fun or exciting to describe that part of our life for probably 5 yrs. Was it hurting our relationship then? Yes.. Did E mention it to me numerous times then? Yes, But I would just either get defensive or cry. So, Here we are sitting on the "other side" and we are STILL having this discussion. I have a 4.5 month old and I can count on 1 hand the number of times we have been intimate since I received a positive over a yr ago now. Does it bother me, Nope... Does it bother E, YES. In fact, It bothers him so much that he stated that he feels like I do not feel attracted to him and that he some how feels rejected, like a failure, and failed all at the same time. He said "like your cheesy romantic movies/song, I want you to want me". I cried. I had nothing to say to that. I am unsure what I can do to reverse this situation. I am unsure if this is related to my hormone levels, some form of PTSD, lack of interest for far too long, denial, exhaustion, etc. I hate that I am causing this situation in our relationship. I am sorry that I am uninterested in this area of intimacy, I am sorry and frustrated that he is feeling neglected, I am sorry he is tired of my excuses, I am sorry that I am tired ... I am trying to figure out what to do .. Mutually we suggested counseling ..maybe I(we) need it. It was a rough night. I laid in bed til 3-4 am trying to figure out what to do.. How can I be there for him in this way when I just don't feel it, when my house honestly looks like a tornado came through and I have no time/energy to clean it (for Christmas I asked my relatives to help me deep clean and re-organize my entire home) There is laundry in the washer, dryer and a load in the basket waiting to be folded, dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher, the stove is dirty from dinner, the floor needs to be vacuumed/moped, did I have a shower today? when is the last time I shaved is my outfit clean, .... AH make it stop ...... While he lays next to be snoring away, sleeping peacefully and soundly ....

I am told, I will adjust

I wanna be a Dairy Cow

I read a blog this week that was talking about how they do not usually post pictures of their children on an IF blog for sensitivity reasons. I understand that - It's an IF community and the raw sight of children could be very upsetting to us at different times in our journey. I have not forgotten that - I know that I am a HUGE offender of splashing my child on my blog. I wanted to share what I posted on her blog in reference to children/baby pics on blogs. I wanted to make it clear to any of my readers that when I post a picture of MT on my blog, I do it because I feel like he is apart of this community. I feel like he is apart of all of you that have commented, emailed, sent prayers, good vibes and any amount of support for me and my situation. I feel like he is just as much apart of this community as the next TTC blogger. I do. I really do. Just like the saying "It takes a whole village to raise a child", I believe that is how MT got here. This whole village! So I want to share him with you. It is not at all done out of selfishness or have anything to do with me forgetting what it is like in the trenches of cycling. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about this community. The experience, friendship and knowledge have carried me through many hard times and I want to give back so others can feel what I have felt and am feeling. I really feel a strong bond and connection to so many. I just wanted to clarify that. Her post made me think

On a lighter note, I was watching dir.ty jo.bs the other day. It was an episode about a dairy farm. I never in a million years thought I would be jealous of a Dairy cow .. But the Host was explaining that the dairy cow gets hooked up to a milk pump for 40 mins and produces 8 gallons of milk ..... I will be honest, I became extremely envious ... OF A DAIRY COW ..... Seriously? ... Who is this person blogging ... The Vet was also explaining how they check for mastitis and then showed them giving their utters a "cleaning" with this fire torch ... to burn off the hair ... OMG really? The cows never flinched at all when they used the fire, the vet swore they couldn't feel it ...... WOW am I really talking about this ... Ok well there is where my mind is ... apparently I am still nuts. If you were concerned

New Job for me? ...

Last night after coming home from dinner (around 10), It was drizzling (as it likes to do in FL). I heard a lot of what sounded like wing flapping. I looked up HIGH in a tree there was bird flapping its wings. I figured it was trying to dry its wings off after the hard rain. It looked like your standard dove/pigeon of some sort from its wings. Not 4 seconds later I see something falling from the branch where the bird was flapping. In the first split second I thought it was a feather but then when it made it to eye level I saw it was bigger and then THUD… OMG it was a baby bird and it fell on the sidewalk. I nearly went into hysterics right there. (it was about 15 feet infront of me) E was trying to get me to come inside but I was not obliging. I went running over to see if it was ok … No it wasn’t ok. I immediately started to cry and told him that we had to bury it. Then came another baby bird falling out of the sky but I caught that one. I was yelling at the bird that was pushing them out of the nest. Like the bird understood me. I refused to go in until E would bring me a shoebox with a newspaper/paper towel nest in it. I put the bird in the box with the lid half covering it and him and slid him under the bushes by our front door. E refused to let it in the house and we have 2 cats that I am sure would have LOVED to keep it warm. I made E come out and check on him a few times before getting to sleep. I cried myself to sleep. I was so upset. Stupid hormones I assume. I kept apologizing to E for crying because I told him I know it was ridiculous but I was so upset and couldn’t stop.

This morning I got up early, took a shower went and checked on the little guy, he was alive and breathing and he had moved spots. I packed in him a new dry shoebox and drove to work. Once I got to work I asked a co-worker who used to work at a zoo around here what to do with him. She directed me to a vet that also does wildlife rescue. So I took him there. Made a donation and drove back to work. I am glad the bird will have a chance. Poor lil thing

Disclaimer - If all fairness, I would have tried to save the bird regardless of the extra hormones I have, because I just love most animals and am just that kind of person. I have 2 cats that ended up at our house via rescuing. 1 from my work parking lot when her eyes were still glued ½ shut and 1 I drove 120 miles to get from my husbands’ friend that found a litter outside his house and was going to take to a shelter. So this is not my first rodeo. You would think that my husband would get used to this. Hey I think I found a new job for me.. The first Female Wildlife Biologist/Host for Ani.ma.l P.lan.et show

More Family Entertainment

I have a good story to share that I KNOW many will enjoy:

A few days ago, my husband and I were sitting and talking. He said that he just remembered something that his Mother said when he was explaining to her. They were discussing the almighty di.ldo.ca.m. AKA Tra.nsvagi.nal Ult.rasou.nd. She has never heard of one (she is a nurse might I add- and a mother of 8* don't get me started*)..... She asked my husband if I got "excited" from those?!??!?!?!?! My husband was speechless he quickly changed the subject and was quite in shock. YES only my MIL can ask such sick sick questions... REALLLY


Also, my husband is overjoyed, there was some adult fun last night after 11 weeks, the poor guy is a trooper. There of course was not THE adult fun he would have liked ... but you do what you can do.. ya'know. I am surprised at myself by how much this was ok in my head, because I seem to worry about everything compromising this pregnancy.

Reminder:

9 weeks

"While your baby is still extremely small, he/she is now ready for rapid weight gain. The baby is beginning to look more like a little person since the embryonic tail is completely gone by week 9. The eyelids are fully formed, have fused shut, and will open again during week 28. All the baby's joints such as the knees, elbows, shoulders, ankles, and wrists are working and allowing the baby to move about freely within the amniotic sac. Your baby's heart began beating around day 24, but now his/her heart has divided into four chambers, and the valves are beginning to develop. Your baby can also make a fist, and he/she may begin sucking his/her thumb.
How big is your baby?Your baby is about the size of a grape, measuring about 1 ½ inches from its head to its rump, and weighs a fraction of an ounce."

18% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 82% left to go.

*Disclaimer - please know i am NOT complaining - just documenting and observing:
I am beginning to have a hard time sleeping at night. It seems to take me a while to get comfortable. I am and have always been a belly sleeper. So this laying on my back trying to sleep is starting to wear on me. Waking up to pee assures me that things are still progressing. I lay one of these by my bedside before I go to sleep because when i wake up to pee, i have to come back and eat that or mornings are much worse. Last night I found a love for these.

And I ALWAYS want these