It's not you, It's me

So I have been trying to figure out how to keep the blog topics going. I saw a blog the other day that really spoke to me. I thought this idea was fantastic But I have something weighing my heart down that I can't wait until Wednesday. So I am dumping it now. In fact, It is one of the reasons I Am back to blogging.

Things I have learned about myself over the years: (not in any particular order)

• I am an honest person, Honest to a fault. (the good, bad, ugly)
• I get nervous around certain types of people and say stupid stuff
• I am a deep thinker.
• that it is best to control my tongue
• Common Sense is not at all Common
• know your audience
• it is a small world (people know people, six degrees of KB)
• never say/write anything you are not comfortable having to defend or back up
• Perspective is Relative and most-likely will be used against you out of context
• I am a loyal, passionate person.

I have a very direct moral compass for myself. I feel it is just who I am. It is a part of me. My moral compass is Mine. It is not used as a judging/measuring system for anyone other than myself, it is Just Mine. It is meant to just guide me. I am well aware that everyone has their own compass that leads them. Our compasses are not all set going the same directions. And I am at peace with this. (well the more accurate statement would be that I am at peace with this as much as possible and learning to become more at peace with this every day)

What I am trying to admit/say/type out loud (or is it outblog) is that I have a hard time keeping close friends. I can make friends, I can hang out with people. I enjoy a good conversation, I can keep a conversation going and building. I love people, I am friendly, But I do not want to be close friends with everyone I meet. Just because I know you does not mean that I think you have to be a close friend of mine. I am ok with the word, Acquaintances. (don't get caught up on semantics and labels) Maybe it is the FB Movement that has me thinking of these such terms.

I am an oxymoron. I say I am honest, And that is the truth and in that same sentence, I am about to admit that I keep people at arms reach. Is that being honest?! I have a hard time letting people in. Unless I feel that soothing comfort that some people just ooze. You know what I am talking about. Some people just have that sweet sweet aura about them. They are just welcoming and genuine. I adore these people. You could possibly say that I strive to be like those people - but we all know that it is not something you can achieve - It is one of those things that Just IS. Either you have it or you don't.

It takes a very long time for me to develop a very personal friendship. I am an onion. With all of that said, Over the past yr, I made a friend and she had friends for my children. It was superb. And then like a lot of my friendships - something happened**, and it drifted away.

Just like that, the friendships fade. I go into this self preservation mode where I just hang out w/ myself and my husband and a very few amount of friends, lick my wounds and try to get back on the horse and carry on for my children s sake. But this is the first time it actually involves children. My children and their play-pals. And my children deserve opportunities and play pals. I have tried to keep up our normal play pals and just press on - but Like my blog title states Awkward Moments lingered and cause me unnecessary anxiety. and If i am uncomfortable, I just become awkward and awkward only makes more awkward. And I am sure that this is not news to many, there are some women that truly just enjoy a good gossip session - whether it be true or false - it is never fun to find out there is misinformation directed towards you and whether you speak up or let it continue, things have already been said and only actions and time will tell the truth.

So, Here I am. Feeling like I did when I was 10. I couldn't figure out why we had to pick sides and play mind games back then and I am still at a loss.

**the something involves a lot of nonsense that could have been avoided and contains petty drama that left an extremely terrible taste in my mouth. Of course there are 3 sides to every story ( the truth, your perspective, and mine) and I am trying to be delicate to the situation since it is still personal and involves other people that cannot defend/retract themselves) no one particular thing is completely at fault

But wanna see something Cute:

I wanna be a Dairy Cow

I read a blog this week that was talking about how they do not usually post pictures of their children on an IF blog for sensitivity reasons. I understand that - It's an IF community and the raw sight of children could be very upsetting to us at different times in our journey. I have not forgotten that - I know that I am a HUGE offender of splashing my child on my blog. I wanted to share what I posted on her blog in reference to children/baby pics on blogs. I wanted to make it clear to any of my readers that when I post a picture of MT on my blog, I do it because I feel like he is apart of this community. I feel like he is apart of all of you that have commented, emailed, sent prayers, good vibes and any amount of support for me and my situation. I feel like he is just as much apart of this community as the next TTC blogger. I do. I really do. Just like the saying "It takes a whole village to raise a child", I believe that is how MT got here. This whole village! So I want to share him with you. It is not at all done out of selfishness or have anything to do with me forgetting what it is like in the trenches of cycling. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about this community. The experience, friendship and knowledge have carried me through many hard times and I want to give back so others can feel what I have felt and am feeling. I really feel a strong bond and connection to so many. I just wanted to clarify that. Her post made me think

On a lighter note, I was watching dir.ty jo.bs the other day. It was an episode about a dairy farm. I never in a million years thought I would be jealous of a Dairy cow .. But the Host was explaining that the dairy cow gets hooked up to a milk pump for 40 mins and produces 8 gallons of milk ..... I will be honest, I became extremely envious ... OF A DAIRY COW ..... Seriously? ... Who is this person blogging ... The Vet was also explaining how they check for mastitis and then showed them giving their utters a "cleaning" with this fire torch ... to burn off the hair ... OMG really? The cows never flinched at all when they used the fire, the vet swore they couldn't feel it ...... WOW am I really talking about this ... Ok well there is where my mind is ... apparently I am still nuts. If you were concerned

I went to a get together at my parent's house last night. Everyone was fascinated that I had not found out the sex yet and that we have not thought of names yet. During dinner, it quickly became "name the unborn baby" game. I have to say, I was not a bit intimidated. This is a plus for me. Usually, i just like to blend in and not have much conversation about this baby, how far along I am, blah blah etc. I am beginining to enjoy this. (weird I know) I was reading Katie's post about women who undergo treatments have this "AH-HA" moment of their pregnancy. I feel mine creeping in. I feel the Ah-Ha moment building. Here is a great website that I found this morning about generating random names. I played with this for about 1 hour this morning. That website is pretty cool. I felt excited to be able to think about picking names. I also think that my husband and I both agree that we will see what the name will be after we deliver. I do have the "I need to see what the baby looks like" before I designate a name.

With that said, I am worried about visiting the MFM dr's. My co-worker who did not have a difficulty getting pregnant had to go to their office and they scared the crap out of her - she cried for hours and will still tear up when talking about it. I know they have to do their job and theor job is to give all the risks and such. But as much as I want to see the organs and get their opinion - I am unsure I am ready for the doom and gloom that my friend has described the office to be. I am hoping and praying that they will not do that for me -but she says that since I have had heart surgery and have a few fused vertebrates she is sure that my appointment will upset me - I am hoping the later!! I do not need any more reason to set off my anxiety that I finally have somewhat under control. So as much as I am looking forward to the appointment, I also think that is one of the main reasons, i am been just "going with the flow" and not pushing for an appointment.

I have a friend that is blogging after she received a bfp after a round of IVF. Her website is here. She has been recently diagnosised with a subchrionic hemorrhage in her 12th (or 13th) week. She was told that there is still a risk of miscarriage. If anyone has any info about this please offer her some support - or just offer her support because.

I want to congratulate Flotsam on the birth of her twins. This is bittersweet - go wish her some love and support if you haven't already.

I need to write a post about the friend that got away. I am one of those people that have a few really. I dunno why, but I have this scenario happen to me often. So I have quite a few stories that I can share. My husband tells me it's because I share my opinion (when or not asked) and I share the honest opinion and most peope do not really want the honest one - they want the opinion that is the popular things to say and because I am quite an independantly hippy like soul. More on this later. .... I hope everyone had a relaxing, enjoyable weekend. I have to run to my parents. I left my purse last night.

2 posts in one day ...

I just wanted to note how great my friends are. They surprised me.
A few days ago, a friend called and asked me to meet her for lunch at A.pple.Bee’s today for lunch (and ever since, I had been dreaming about their chi.cken faj.ita roll-u.p) So I met her up there to find that she called a few other really close friends ( that knew about my IUI's), balloons, cupcakes and presents for me. I had a “YEAH you’re Pregnant” Party!!! I was so shocked and honored; it’s nice to be loved. You Guys ROCK! You know how to make a girl feel special! Thank you!

If you are a science junkie, Like me, check out this webiste

Stolen from this website:

"Studies indicate that the sperm with the X chromosome - or female chromosome - have a longer life span than the male sperm (with the Y chromosome).Yet the male sperm appear to have a higher motility. Sperm motility is measured in two ways: percentage of sperm exhibiting movement, and the quality of this movement, which is called the forward progression. Poor motility means the sperm have a difficult time swimming toward the egg.It is said that the sperm carrying the Y chromosome uses energy faster than the sperm carrying the X chromosome. The energy utilization is said to be due to the speed in which sperm swim. Supposedly, the Y sperm is speedy or contains less mitochondria whereas the X sperm is slower or carries more mitochondria. Mitochondria are the energy producing cellular components which are absolutely necessary for life. Sperm contain, and can only produce, so much fuel for their journey. If one sperm type swims faster than another, the consequence of that, of course, is faster arrival - but also faster expiration. That said, if a woman knows her cycle and when she ovulates, the odds of baby gender prediction can be in one's favor. Sperm can reach the fallopian tubes in about 20 minutes to 2 hours. Sperm are viable for about 4-7 days inside the woman."

Anyone know if that is remotely have any truth to it? I'm heading upstairs to our DNA Section and asking if this is true. I want to know just because I am a science junkie.

Calling all self cleaning cat box owners:

Anyone have a self cleaning litterbox.. My husband insists that we get one.. if so, could you leave opinions on the ones you like.

Black Friday *updated*

I know there are many happy bloggers out there today but so far I am hit with 2 really sad bloggers and I cannot help but post links to their blog for others to help offer words of support to them:

first is Tarah who just received a BFN after another IUI.

Second is an email I received from Amanda: subject line NOT FAIR:
"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

*UPDATED (only to add more sad bloggin' news, this is a really bad friday)

Please stop by Leah's page, and Carrie also



Please if you have a chance to go leave some kind words on their pages. It breaks my heart to understand such strong feelings.