Ink and Bling

Thank you for all the Bloggie Birthday Wishes, I appreciate them. I already have started to feel that foggy stuffy, heavy feeling of anguish lift off me.

Last night I was watching the new season of that house wife show that is based in NY.C. They introduced a new castmate for the season. (not that it completely matters -but she did do IVM to become pregnant with her twins who are now 16 months old and just watching the first episode I could write about 4 blogs on idiotic misnomers ) The twins happen to be the same age as my youngest. Another fun fact - she posted that she weighed 200 lbs when she was pregnant w/ the twins and HOLY COW , Look at her now ?!. Motivation for me! I can do this ;) ok None of that is actually the topic is which really intrigued me.

She owns a salon. This Salon. Which brings me to what I can't stop thinking of and the marketing possibilities I can help her with. Her salons perform Va.jazz.les AND Pe.nazzle.s!

(oh the unwanted googling traffic I may get) And if that wasn't enough for you, She has now is adding Va.tooing .. I am totally serious! If you don't believe me, Look Here.. Watching these Videos got me thinking - She is Missing a whole different level of clientele ... AND Therapy for her Business.

I mean think of this - Fertility treatments and procedures are ALL ABOUT down there .. You know where ..Ok so,Yes, I am totally going to Go there:

Imagine: Here I am going to the RE/Gyn/OB for Di.ldocam U/S #4 ...... I could go in a get a Va.too or Va'b.ling (yes, I just made up that word) "#4" FOR FUN And pampering And to lighten the Mood. Make it Playful. You know, give me that Extra " I've got a va.too/Va.bling and you will never know" feeling as you pass people in the parking lot or sit in the waiting room ...

Or Get a lil Jazzle for IVF #2, or IUI#1, on and on ..... Put a lil Perk in your step and get a lil bling. Yes? No? Or maybe I have completely lost my mind.

I think it would be hilarious, fun, and pampering to make a few of these appointments before heading to the Frt Clinics. I mean, let's start embracing our bodies. I know it may Seem a lil out there. But I think it sounds slightly Fun and Flirty.

I just think that the IF procedures or so violating and impersonal, Why not.. Have some fun with it. Anything to help get us through it. AND who knows, Maybe it helps put some Pizazz and Spunk back in your relationship ... I know I could have used some spunk and pizazz in that department. Just sayin'

What do you think?

My Take

My take ,so far, on Parenting After going through Fertility Treatments* -
I have been asked a few times about this this week. By blog comments, emails, real life friends and a girl I ran into at a playgroup.

The Magic Moment of holding that precious body that you have yearned for is indescribable. I do not think there are words in the English language for this feeling. I know that for me - It affected all of my senses.

What I recognize most from myself is that I do tend to think very much of "in the moment" experiences. I am very aware that I am not going to get that moment back. I do savor it. Even the rough days. I find myself stating the obvious. "He's going to be older in a minute".

Early on, I stressed about being the Perfect parent. Doing everything the right way. Because I was sure there was a right way. All the books, Dr's, therapists, parents say there is. I mean, I have been an armchair parent before. ( you know - watching others parent and swearing to never make THAT mistake if given the chance to parent. I mean GEEZ it's Obvious) Never taking into consideration that Not all children are the same. Not all families are the same. Not all situations are the same ... There are choices for a reason.

Do I think infertility had a part in my decision to quit my job and mostly staying at home. Yes and No. Yes, I would be lying if I didn't admit to thinking and saying "What If this is my only chance at motherhood?" It weighed in equally with "What type of Mother do I want to be?". I allowed myself to think long term for once. Going through treatments, I never thought long term. I thought in cycles, periods, seasons. How would my job, long term, help our family. Provide for us. How does daycare play into the equation? .. I am sure that many of these thoughts are shared with the fertiles of the world also.

Learning to go with the Flow. Learning the temperament of MT. We are still learning to live with each other, Learning to speak each other's languages. Learning Patience's from each other. Learning how to be a family of 3. Learning how to be a Wife and a Mother and a part time employee. Learning to share him with my parents/relatives. There are growing pains. So far, the only thing that remains constant in my life is that fact that things are going to change. I wasn't that great with change to begin with. Change and I are learning to co-exist and adapt.

Socializing. This is very hard for me. I am still awkward in my role. I am getting more comfortable but still have a hard time figuring out how to balance. So far I have found it difficult to have a meaningful conversation with another mom on certain topics. The sleeping, napping, eating, milestone topics. Uhm which basically sum up all New moms like to discuss. I haven't watched a full episode of anything lately - SO I am behind on my all celebrity/reality show junk. Plus, at playgroups, I am making sure my child only eats a few bugs, very little leaves and received minor bruising from all his attempts/determination to balance on 2 legs. With his super human speed and strength, I need a Hawk Eye and about 4 more arms. I have very little brain power to listen AND respond properly while trying to predict my 9.5 month olds next move. Thank God for my dose of Ellen every day to help keep me in touch with the outside world. And the Soup.

It also seems that every person I meet wants to know when the next one is coming. "oh don't you just want another?" I have no idea how to answer this question. It's such a loaded question. I overheard a discussion the other day at the park. This woman and her husband want a baby by March 2010. She was carrying a 4-6 month old, chasing after a 2 ish yr old. I looked at my husband and quietly said, Wouldn't you love to open your datebook and declare such things? To me, to be able to actually have sex with my husband, on purpose, with a sole intention of having another baby in 9 months sounds fictional. You know, Pick the month*ish that you wanted to deliver. Sounds like Super powers to me. But, there are people out there that PLAN this. and Achieve this. It was said to me, Well that's just what Stay at home Mom's do. That is kind of like their job. I guess there is a point. That just seems so foreign. Cannot.Compute. Therefore, I tend to get a lil awkward with this topic.

I went to a new playgroup for the first time this week and ran into a Girl that I met a few times at our local resolve chapter. I also ran into her at my RE's office while I was undergoing IUI#2 . (the one that resulted in my pregnancy with MT). Basically, she outed me. I was very uncomfortable/embarrassed for a good few minutes. There was silence in the group. We were in a pretty large group of moms that I have never met before. I mean, I don't like labels. But labeling/stereotyping exists and I am hoping that no one will remember .. Or maybe they will ...

So parenting after ferti. It is a contact sport. It is what you make of it. It's not what I thought it would be. It's better and worse. It's the grey area. It's awesome and overwhelming. It's not the same for everyone, yet there can be similarities. We all do not want the same thing. Tolerance is a good balancing act. And In a perfect world I would get to experience it with another child or two.

*I say after fertility treatments, Because Technically I still feel infertile.

Just Words

I left work Tuesday and I was just relieved … It was a rough day. Not for reasons that you would think.

My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.

I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.

I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.

So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?

So Much to Say

Where do I begin ...... 120 post all marked as read .. I hated to do it but had to. I love google reader that allows you to just read all items. I skimmed and didn't comment much at all. Congrats to those that had babies while I was away. So very exciting.

Well, It's been a week since I really had full computer use. Last Sunday, MT and I drove to my sister's. He slept the entire trip. I left late hoping he would sleep the whole way. (5 hours) He was not aware that there was a time change so that gave me an extra hour of daylight to drive. *He still is not aware of the time change. He wants to go to bed about an hour before we want him to go to bed thus waking up earlier. We have been gradually stretching this out. Seems like today, we finally have it worked out.

My sister and I took care of all the final details and managed to get most everything done before E and My parents arrived Wednesday night. Thursday, My dad and I made food for the reception that my sister requested and managed to do it in record time. Everything just went really smooth. (of course there were some not so pleasant times, but we seems to work through them to give the whole weekend a peaceful feeling)

This weekend, "making babies" was a huge topic. You know, When you get married, You are supposed to automatically discuss this topic (insert sarcastic overtone).. .. Discuss Grand babies, Children, How many you want to have, when you are thinking about having them ...... etc.. "We aren't getting younger: .....I have decided that we totally rush things and spend mental/verbal/imaginary time in conversations/daydreams/thoughts and we totally should not. This is when I believe anxiety and mental anguish begins. And this is unfair to do to ourselves .... It's romanticised up .. I think it can be an an injustice to some. My sister is a very unique individual, This is going to be a HUGE change for her life. (marriage) I respect her for the way she has chosen to live her life.. I do... It is a life of Integrity. It is her life and not mine .. She is able to live it the way she wants to ... My sister and I had a REALLY good talk Tuesday night. I discovered some very deep, dark feeling on a topic that we had discussed before. Birth Control. My sister is terrified that she may have to have an experience with IF. She has her own views on BC. She has also stated that she is not ready to be a parent yet. *Since blogging, I have found an understanding for differences. Her views of this topic are somewhat different from mine and I try my very best to accept that. But, Let me tell you that it is MUCH easier to accept a difference of opinion from someone other than your younger sibling. ..sigh, I wish I were a better person, I wish I knew my feelings and emotions better so I could explain them more clearly.. After having a conversation about family planning (read: a yelling match until I figured out why I was yelling)... I realized how much emotional baggage I am still holding onto from my own IF journey. Yes, I said it... It still bothers me deeply. I have a baby and I still have not let go of all my hurt, anger and despair. I have now changed my thoughts on that subject now. Pre Baby Me - somehow didn't think about how I would cope/deal with alot of the baby topics. And it is not going as I expected. My sister even said that Since I had MT she assumed that all those negative hurtful feelings just disappear or go away .. I shared with her how deep those feelings go ... She was blown away that I was so candid and raw. Just a blubbering mess really ... I cried and cried and sobbed for what seemed like forever .. I actually cried myself to sleep. I have been running on adrenaline and exhaustion for quite some time that I just had never had time to think about these topics much. but faced with the discussions .. I crumpled .. I still have miles to go with digging up these feelings and dealing with them, but I hope one day I am truly able to embrace all pregnancies w/out envy or jealousy. I want to be able to genuinely be happy for whomever ... I do not want to feel the hair on the back of my neck draw up and my mind want to retreat and run or spit venom...

Ok on another note. I am reading this book ..I am just thoroughly enjoying this book. It is knocking my socks off .. I am in awe of this story .. A few more chapters and I will be done ..I may re-read it again

MT had his follow up appointment with the pediatric urologist today. Luckily, his minor ad.hes.ion's and a hydr.ocele have mostly corrected itself. The h.ydrocele did not turn out to be a her.nia and that part will not require surgery. The adhesion's ,on the other hand, have become very loose (which is partly a good thing - but partly a bad thing) but will require surgery. So, On Dec 22, MT will have the surgery to correct the issue. I am just nervous about this .... I just wish this didn't have to turn out this way for him ... He will never remember is what I am hoping

You know you just wanted to see pictures and I prolonged it:

Trick or Treat

We took MT to my parents for Halloween. Actually we, Left MT at my parents for a few hours tonight while E and I went out to dinner. It was a pretty weird feeling. Eating a meal that was hot and with 2 hands. It felt nice but foreign. and he has only been here with us for 4.5 months ...

My Halloween pumpkin:


OK ..this is a warning, I have (over)shared lots on this blog, but I am about to go into intimacy with some emotional detail .. If you know me in real life and don't care to know this much info about me, you should take my warning. (although, I don't see a problem with you reading on)

E and I had a HUGE discussion,/fight/conversation last night. To say that our intimacy needs improving is probably an understatement. As so many know, intimacy somewhere along the way got lost. (and for those that didn't lost it - send me your secret) It was all about timing, dr's appointments, cycle schedules. I would not use the words spontaneous, fun or exciting to describe that part of our life for probably 5 yrs. Was it hurting our relationship then? Yes.. Did E mention it to me numerous times then? Yes, But I would just either get defensive or cry. So, Here we are sitting on the "other side" and we are STILL having this discussion. I have a 4.5 month old and I can count on 1 hand the number of times we have been intimate since I received a positive over a yr ago now. Does it bother me, Nope... Does it bother E, YES. In fact, It bothers him so much that he stated that he feels like I do not feel attracted to him and that he some how feels rejected, like a failure, and failed all at the same time. He said "like your cheesy romantic movies/song, I want you to want me". I cried. I had nothing to say to that. I am unsure what I can do to reverse this situation. I am unsure if this is related to my hormone levels, some form of PTSD, lack of interest for far too long, denial, exhaustion, etc. I hate that I am causing this situation in our relationship. I am sorry that I am uninterested in this area of intimacy, I am sorry and frustrated that he is feeling neglected, I am sorry he is tired of my excuses, I am sorry that I am tired ... I am trying to figure out what to do .. Mutually we suggested counseling ..maybe I(we) need it. It was a rough night. I laid in bed til 3-4 am trying to figure out what to do.. How can I be there for him in this way when I just don't feel it, when my house honestly looks like a tornado came through and I have no time/energy to clean it (for Christmas I asked my relatives to help me deep clean and re-organize my entire home) There is laundry in the washer, dryer and a load in the basket waiting to be folded, dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher, the stove is dirty from dinner, the floor needs to be vacuumed/moped, did I have a shower today? when is the last time I shaved is my outfit clean, .... AH make it stop ...... While he lays next to be snoring away, sleeping peacefully and soundly ....

I am told, I will adjust

Evolution of Me's

This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.

I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.

Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.

Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.

TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.

This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)

Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.

So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.

And the Beat goes on

The perinatologist’s office was very very far away and we both really complained about driving that far – but man o man was it worth it. I really haven’t felt more comfortable with any of my care/dr’s completely. But this Dr (aka Dr Wonderful) just laid it all out there and was sympathetic to our situation and needs. He asked me at first if I had any questions, I told him that I may have questions after he goes over the results of our scan and fetal echo. He explained that, as of now, everything is measuring on target and Mini is nearing 16 oz.(~15.5 oz for now). He stated that things seemed to be measuring a few days ahead but that was good news and not bad news. It just gives them wiggle room with my due date (which is still the same). He explained that he was originally concerned about my ASD and spine but after the pictures and echo, all looks great and processing growth that normal.

Then we started discussing the lo.veno.x, auto immune issues, and fertility. Apparently, I have been confused on this topic – and an now a little more confused with a little more clear understanding – if that even makes since.

My RE tested me for a zillion of things. I thought I understood that the mt.hf.r disorder was being treated by the lo.ve.no.x, but that is not the case. I am taking an extra fo.lic acid pill for that. This disorder is called ho.moc.ysteine.

The Lo.ve.no.x is being used to treat an abnormal level of Anti-cardiolipin antibodies.(a.c.a testing) There was a test that revealed that I had a slightly higher level than normal. I think the paper stated that fewer than 11 are good or 10, and mine was 20. Dr Wonderful stated that I was at a slight risk for deep thrombosis as a result of these findings (and m/c's), It’s just precautionary and dually noted to watch. He also explained to me that most women use lo.ve.nox(he.pa.rin along with prednisone and a baby aspirin) early in a pregnancy or before they become pregnant because it makes the uterus/cells more “sticky” to help with implantation if there is to be believed of a need to assist in that area. Since I did not start taking it until week 8 or 9 – he doesn’t think it had much effect on this pregnancy. He also states that my dosages are much too low for a patient who legimately does have this problem. Dr. Wonderful said that based on the dose, he doesn’t think I necessary “need” it but the risks are much greater to take me off of it now – because I have made it this far why screw anything up and be able to second guess medicine. I agreed, so we will continue to same amount like always 1- 40 mL shot a night. He states that I continue until this until week 34.

He tends to believe that my troubles/menstrual cycles,m/c, etc are more due to the P.CO.S., and not the Anti-cardiolipin antibodies (because I started the drugs so late) or ho.moc.ysteine. He stated of course it is a compound issue and makes it seem impossible and complex (or in his words “a doozy”) but it seems to be manageable which we are doing.

So based on all of the above: The ho.moc.ysteine, the P.C.O.S, abnormal Anti-cardiolipin antibodies, and being larger women: Here is the new and latest possible diagnosis that he is slightly concerned with: Pre.ecla.mps.ia.


The only thing about that is that the signs are basically h.igh b.loo.d p.ress.ure. Well, that is one thing that I do not have. My Bp is usually 112/59-118/72 ish. So I hope that it continues to remain normal. I plan on adding more fresh veggies in my diet to help with the folic acid which should help maintain my weight which will hopefully help maintain my pcos and keep me away from the pr.eecla.mpsi.a. PHEW, lots of technical terms – sorry If your face hit the keyboard out of boredom - as always - if you have questions or comments - please feel free to ask away or email me

On the good part – We got to have an u/s for 2 hours and 15 mins while they measures, checked, rechecked, re-measured and showed us and re-showed us boy parts!

Black Friday *updated*

I know there are many happy bloggers out there today but so far I am hit with 2 really sad bloggers and I cannot help but post links to their blog for others to help offer words of support to them:

first is Tarah who just received a BFN after another IUI.

Second is an email I received from Amanda: subject line NOT FAIR:
"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

*UPDATED (only to add more sad bloggin' news, this is a really bad friday)

Please stop by Leah's page, and Carrie also



Please if you have a chance to go leave some kind words on their pages. It breaks my heart to understand such strong feelings.

Not a Consolation Prize

*there has been some changes on my sidebar - moving bloggers around because we have had a outpouring of BFP's lately -and that is super fantastic. I also changed my name to fertilize me - since that is what i am ultimately seeking and added a picture - when i chose inconceivable I didn't realize that it was going to show everytime i posted - all new to this a such and i had just finished reading inconceivable by Julia Indichova and was feeling inspired*

Believe it or not, Below is the post I originally starting writing yesterday that ended up on a totally different topic than it was supposed to.
My husband and I did something last night (now Monday night) that we have discussed at great lengths even before we were married. I have always wanted to look into this more, just didn’t know that I would be doing so under these circumstances. We went to a Foster/Adoption Orientation for the state. I signed us up for one a few days after this Dr.’s appointment. (PLEASE, PLEASE , PLEASE, do not think that this is going to be a “just adopt” info-mercial, its quite the contrary)* i hope not to offend anyone

My husband was very reluctant to go because he was worried that I was feeling that this was my consolation prize. After we discussed this topic at great lengths the past few weeks, I think we both have a better understanding on where each of us stand on the issue and where our concerns lie. I re-assured Him that this not fulfilling a void completely, I do not think adopting and or fostering can fill the longing to be pregnant (I admit that I could be naïve about that?!?!) I also do not think that Infertility will inhibit my ability to love, care, provide for a child(s) in need that is biologically not mine. I do not think it will clout my basic ability to be a parent. (I also admit that this statement may also be naïve but I place pregnancy and parenting in 2 different categories in my head – more on this topic at a MUCH later time). I told Eric that I look at it as a win-win situation. If we go this route, I get to provide shelter and protection for a child(s) in need, and I learn about the child(s) and their needs and my ability to parent and the child(s) gets to be sheltered and protected and have needs met.

Just like fertility treatments, this is not an instantaneous gratification kind of event. It has pros and and it has cons. It has a possibility of being something great and a possibility of failing miserably. It takes alot of time, patience and mounds/forests of paperwork. We will be filling out paperwork upon paperwork, go to classes, trainings, seminars, have a home study, and questioned beyond belief. *funny part is I had to fill out paperwork in order to get the paperwork to fill out to request my interest in the program - HOW inefficient is that??*

After all of the requirements are met, we may decide that this is not the avenue in which we wish to pursue. We may decide that we want to adopt from elsewhere or not at all. We may decide that we want to foster and not worry with adoption at this time. We found out yesterday, to my sadness, that there is no more foster to adopt program (which is what we went into the oreintation wanting). You either foster, or adopt and the plan that you chose determines your training and paperwork, there isn't (as of now) a crossover from either program. This means if we chose foster, it will (most likely - 95%) be very temporary. If we chose adoption, it means that while we are going through training and paperwork, someone else will be fostering and growing a bond with the child(s) that will be placed in our home for adoption. The child(s) with not have any real contact or overnight contact in our house until after the adoption is finalized. That just seems incredible wrong to me. I will be taking the child(s) out of that home from a person who has been caring for them for however long it takes us to finalize the adoption. (like 10-12 monthish after training and lots of paperwork and court dates). So right now, neither choices are ideal to me. I preferred the foster to adopt program they had, but now this is not even offered. This has tarnished my feelings on the issue a little but not as much as making me wish to stop pursuing information and training. This investigation feels good to me. We are still in the early exploration days but I do know that my motives are pure and I just want the best for everyone in this situation. I have also committed to Eric that I am willing to try at least 2 IuI’s and depending on how my shitty ovaries respond, MAYBE a 3rd. But I will not attempt to commit to #3 until after the first one. On that note, I told Eric that in the possibility that an IuI actually result in a pregnancy that last for ~9 months and results in a real live baby that I get to take home from the hospital, I still would like to pursue the foster/adoption training regardless of the outcome. (*as all my posts, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time I need- for I am a woman and I am best at being Fickle - For I am just trying to sort out all these weird scenarios and situations that are rustling in my IF Brain that "normal" people never have to actually think about or answer on a questionaire form - and this post is not ment to offend anyone - if I do so, Please let me know so that I can apologize and be more senstive to others)

More Keyword Analysis

I can not help myself from posting this again - the keywords are way to entertaining not to share (except the last one). So here ya go:

• TTC and Carrots - are you people being funny out there? Are there benefits to carrots that I should know about??
• Fertilize your brain - Can this be done? Maybe I am trying to fertilize the wrong things
• Can progesterone make me relaxed - I dunno can it? Goes against all i have read but who knows?
• heavy bleeding then it slows down, i had positive pregnancy test now bleeding - UGH so sorry you have to find MY blog of all blogs - I am truly sorry

I am typing this from my new apartment. We are 90% moved out of the old place. I am dog tired though. My poor hubby had to help move ALOT of heavy stuff then go to work tonight. I know he is way more tired than I am. Poor Guy.

The BFP theme is running rampet! I am so happy to see that persistence and treatments pay off!! Grats to all the BFP's running around out there.

Also, saying lots of prayers for those experiencing miscarriages, seems we got a good bit of those as well. I am very sorry and I grieve with you. It's just awfully sad. Sending my prayers up for us all!

First Off - THANK YOU so much for the wonderful birthday wishes. I had such a great time out to dinner 2 nights in a row. It's really been fantastic. On to more serious business:

Well many of you have asked: I pee on a stick Jul 20th. That is 14 dpo. (a day before my mothers bday) I should tell you that I am terrified beyond words. Seriously, I think I just found a new phobia - POASaphobia - First off, I should mention that I am freaked out and completely tortured by those damn sticks. I really really, really despise them. It's like a very sick Chinese water torture device for me. They have been nothing but trouble for me. I do not understand how you women that pee on them regularly have the strength - I'm envious. I just can not bring myself to do that. If I am absolutely ordered by a dr - then I do it unwilling and usually crying. I have gotten 1 bfp is my lifetime (2002) from a stick only to go running to the DR office the very next day for the Dr to look at me like I have 2 or 3 heads. "Honey, your hcg lvl is a (insert insanely low number here), how many days ago was your period?" NEVER a good question especially if your last period was 2 months ago. I was exposed to this lil thing called chemical pregnancy and the word viable and ALOT of crap that comes along for the ride when you first learn that sex + positive pregnancy test does not always = healthy baby in 9 months. My next experience was "crap, I'm 3 weeks late, I should take a test (yea I was a slow learner with all of this ------ actually I wasn't a slow learner, as much as a slow acceptor) .... bfn, and lots more bfn's to follow. Then came alot of stress, weight and depression. Next, I was at work and I had missed my period, but at that point, what's the point on peeing on sticks, they are always negative and make AF slow up minutes upon peeing on them. I started bleeding REALLY bad and heavy and all over the place quite messy, my friend drove me to the ER (2005) and sure enough - another Chemical pregnancy - YES i was still young and completely foolish and at fault for not taking my health more seriously. I was still new and young and naive about all of the world of Infertility. I Should be ashamed of myself for admitting all of this, but I was under the impression that God knew what he was doing and I just had to trust more or have more faith or some how I made God mad at me.. yes once again .. young, foolish, stupid ... I have come ALONG way from that girl(even though its not that far back). Which brings us to present time and there you have it... I'm a COWARD.... I can not stand the thought of even seeing a pregnancy test. The mere thought of only seeing one line ...... It does something terrible to my soul (as many of you can relate). I was/am that person who would rather not know and still have hope, than to know and have no hope. This type of attitude has gotten me in bad situations (as you can tell from the above statements). Regardless, Dr's orders, I have to just DO IT. Many people are POAS-aholics, why do I always have to be difficult???? My father has always told me that I make things So much harder on myself than I should.. Is that a genetic trait..can I at least blame that on family genetics?? Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase ...Well, the day is approaching soon, and I ask that you pray, do a chicken dance, or whatever thing you do for strength. Because I desperately need it. I want to have the courage and strength to pull thru and pee on that stick. It's really embarrassing to admit that this is quite debilitating for me. (please do not think that I do not want to be pregnant - I do ..i really do- I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal)

More Distractions and My brain on drugs

I hope I didn't offend anyone yesterday. I left a large part out because it just was not for me to blog about - yeah I know that's self censorship- but some time's it's really necessary. I didn't just discover my feelings for secondary infertility from the Resolve meeting. This has been a work in progress over the whole IF ride. It just seemed to become very developed last night at the meeting and made me hyper-aware of some inner and outward struggles about the topic as well. It wasn't the topic of 2nd infertility that made me feel uncomfortable at the Resolve meeting at all. In fact, it was just the opposite. It opened my eyes to a bigger picture and made me more aware of the emotions that go along with wanting something and down right having to experience hell to try and achieve it. I stand by my infertility is infertility regardless theory. I wish I could clarify more but I do not feel at liberty to clear it up right now - so it's just going to be clear as mud for some of you and I apologize. Just KNOW that I have come along way from the person that I was when I started my TTC journey and even though, I still do not have a child(ren), I feel blessed to know/read/be supported by as many of you as I am. *being male, mother of many/few/one, mother of furbabies, wive, sister, daughter, fathers, sons, children, or anything that i left off* It has really opened my eyes and my heart. It has made me feel less like an outsider and at the same time feel like I am an infertility virgin. I feel like we haven't done anything evasive enough to consider myself worthy of being on the team with all of you Warriors. I mean, I have been exposed to Clomid ... There aren't daily needles involved. No timed injections had to be conducted in the Interstate Reststop bathroom (or any other totally weird place that you phenominal woman have been humbled to perform such acts). Reading many of your blogs allow me to see that If/when i dO have to experience another type of treatment, I have plenty of people to consult with. That is a fantabulous feeling.

I have this brain/mouth disorder that really needs to find a filter for many occasions in my life. (Which means I end up having to apologize often or wishing I could go back in time and take things I said back) Some people are more willing to accept my apology then others - but that is life - and I can only try to do better. This is one of the positive lessons that I have taken with me from all of this infertility experience. I also, am not a fantastic writer. In fact, math and science are my top subjects. I was never descriptive enough . I do not have a vast knowledge of vocabulary words. I think the Vocab/English portion of my SAT was quite laughable. If I told some of my friends that I blog, they would be in hysterics because, I hated writing in school. I was never able to "Express myself well enough" in writing or real life matters. My grammar and proofreading ability blows. I always had red pen marks drawn all over my papers. (should I admit my mother has a degree in English - I know I do not make her proud from my writings) But, I have found over the months that, this is very therapeutic for my mind. I am not a touchy feeling person and this has allowed me to experience my emotions is has much as I possibly can. (mostly from reading others who are much better at writing about their feelings than I am - or from the kind and generous people who leave comments that always help). * I didn't mean for this to become a long winded post, welcome to my brain on fertility drugs * I wish everyone a wonderful and safe weekend

Resolve and The Rambling's of my head

I went to my very first resolve meeting last night. We addressed an issue in great lengths, Secondary Infertility- I ashamedly admit, in the past, I was on the "you have 1 kid you should be grateful" bandwagon. But recently, I have found strength in numbers and encouraging energy from those that crossed over from Primary Infertility to Infertility after baby 1. Infertility is Infertility regardless. There are some women that have never seen a positive pregnancy test and there are some that have experienced many miscarriages. All of our stories are not exactly alike, but our emotions are. It's all a journey and we all need each other’s strengths, hopes, stories for encouragement and to help provide a glimmer of hope on a very lonely and depressing time. It is much better to support each other through all of this and use this situation as an opportunity for healing, learning and education. We all have "different" parts that make the struggles and journeys different that play into the big picture but there is something to learn from everyone. Since we are all suffering from Infertility, we all know that you have to be open to options. Because, frankly, that is what "this" is all about. Options ... and through all these options, I have allowed myself to learn patience and tolerance, and walk softer and have my ears more open. It doesn't mean that I do not "hurt" less. I now think about Infertility this way: Depression(or fill in the blank with any sickness/disease/medical phenomenon) - there are MANY numerous causes/treatments of depression. The common bond between 2 people that have depression isn't want gets them to the depression diagnosis – it’s the actual diagnosis. IF is exactly like this ... we are all struggling with the same diagnosis, not the same journey. As tough of a message as that was for me, it allowed me to be more open and honest with myself and my feelings, instead of always turning it into bitter and jealousy. I just want some peace in the very painful situation.

First impressions are rough and the Resolve meeting didn't make me feel less sad or meet new like-minded people (like i had hoped it would). Maybe I am at a different place. I am going to go back for one more meeting. I am hoping that people open up (more for some and less for others) and treat it like the real world and seek coping skills it will be fantastic. It's ok that someone else has had a baby - No i have not had a baby, yes i want one with all my heart. But knowing that they got to the other side of the fence provides me hope and encouragement. They can relate to my emotions. They, now that they have crossed over, still can't just decide to have another baby and pee on a stick and see a positive mark. .. It's still very raw for them ..I imagine it's not any easier ... it's like riding a bike i assume. I wish our meeting could have been more zen like - like a shelter from the IF storm. I wish i could have not been so insanely timid and recluse. I did not make a good impression of myself... Gosh - i hate when i do that to myself. I dunno why I clam up - it gets old .....The next meeting is going to be better- I am going to try and meet 1 new person

i know .. geez 2 posts in one day ... But hope this helps someone

I just spent 2 more hours of my life on the phone with this insurance company. I just received a letter from them stating that my current policy offers reduced treatment/prescription costs if I visit one of their approved Fertility Specialists using this special program that is ALREADY on my current policy. I do not completely understand it yet, and my current RE is not an approved provider. I registered at that website to see what I could learn. I also placed a call with his insurance advisor and I hope she will call me back and I can let her know about this program as well (if she doesn't already know). Maybe they can become a provider and if not, It's not to late in the game for me to switch ... (as much as I really don't want to) I just wanted to pass this along and try to help out as much as I can on getting all this non-sense insurance crap out to as many people as possible. I know and understand financial burdens well.

The thing about Crack Whores ......

Oh C'mon now... this is like a GIANT slap in the face

Roll Call

Click here!! Then come back

Raw Guilt

I had/am having a very difficult weekend. Alot of stuff I do not feel available to share mostly because of not wanting to hurt feelings of people that know me in human form that may be lurking around my blog that I deal with on a daily/semi-daily basis. A few of my friends know that I blog but I didn't purposely give them the address. They know that I read blogs and communicate/email/comment to people via the internet and they aren't real supportive (& probably judgemental when I am not in the room).
If you get to know me and allow me to be myself, I am a very open (and sometimes a TMI) kind of person. I love easily, I trust easily, I am very passionate, I want to help everyone. If I learn something I want to share it with anyone that will let me. I consider myself a strong person with a free spirit. I try not to let life get me down. I like to look on the bright side. I try not to "pretend to be happy" but genuinely be happy. But with every miscarriage I have experienced and all the failed months of medicated TTC or DIY TTC over the last 5 years, I find myself much like a turtle. Hiding in my own shell. Drawing myself up tighter and with more tension. I know that I don't have to tell you that I absolutely HATE this feeling. My weekend was pretty much bloody miserable - which brought out these infertility feelings with avengance.

Friday Night - we went to dinner , like most Friday nights, with a couple that we are very close to. (if you follow my blog- its the girl that got pregnant the same time my last clomid cycle failed on me) She is 27ish weeks pregnant ( approx.) I had a hard time with it at first but decided that I just needed to let it go because it was killing me and eating me from the inside out and It just wasn't worth it. Another couple joined us and they have a 1 yr old. So lots of baby talk - but they both know that we are having a hard time and respect my feelings and I feel like my infertile situation always censors the conversations because they do not want to offend me. I am eternally grateful for this EXCEPT, i feel 1000000% guilt from this. I do not wish to ALWAYS be the Debbie Downer in the group. As much as I wish I could, I do not feel like I can escape from the whole baby talk scene because all my friends have or are having kids and If I want to just escape baby talk, I feel as if I would have to end/escape all current friendships and as much as I would like to at times, that just me being Turtle Like AGAIN and truly irrational and selfish because My friends are as supportive as they can be.

One of the girls' husband said that he had a dream that we had a baby. I laughed it off because my other choice was crying at in public, I try not to choose that option. My husband and I talked about this on Saturday and he said that his first reaction was to ask him: "do you know how we got pregnant in the dream?" ......He wanted to know this because we are on the cusp of choosing our treatment route next month if AF does show up. Clomid again or Injectibles ...

I say all of this to kind of add to My Reality's post. I ,too, feel stuck, trapped, smothered: Mainly with Guilt. I feel as if I defied my body. I gave myself PCOS. Some how, as If, I deserve this. I feel guilt for coveting other peoples babies/children. Guilty for feeling mad, bitter, angry,resentful at friends (or anyone) who got pregant easily. Guilty for not being able to provide E with a family. Guilty for not fulfilling the family with a neice/nephew, grandchild(ren). Guilty for spending money on other peoples children or spending money on anything not a necessity. Guilty for not wanting to plan/attend showers. Guilt for adding "hormonal stress" to our marriage. Guilt from the result of not being a good wife,friend, daughter, sister, employee. ... GUILT of all kind and it tore me down this weekend to a sad wet blob.

Interesting Link.. hope it works

I was reading msn and found this story .. watch after the advertisement

Pictures' worth 1000 words

Thank you so much for the Braces Bunch ....



Talk about receiving warm fuzzy feelings. We lost our mailbox key, never found it, finally today my husband broke down and went and talked to our complex about getting a new one and BAM, insta-happiness. I received so many warm wishes and happy thoughts. It was awesome. Thank you for being such great/supportive people. I made a wish and rubbed a stone (which I am thinking about making into a necklace)


I have decided to join many in the Inferility Photoshoot Off 2007. SO List away ..what do you want to see. (i do not have a house or a tattoo yet ) if i get either they will be definitely posted .. but ask away I finally figured out how to post pics so this is exciting (and i LOVE taking pictures of happy things) I usually take pictures of Yucky things most days.


Anla and I chatted it up On instan.t messanger. That was really cool. Thanks for chatting with me Anla. It was a great time getting to know you.


It's CD 19. I didn't monitor anything but I feel as if I am ovulating or have ovulated. I am very optimistic this month .. I don't really know why. Blind Hope .... aren't I cute ;)

Good use for pregnant friends

So I must confess. I did something Friday night that I haven't done in YEARS.

It was a co-workers birthday, meeting for surprise happy hour. Drove myself, but my very good (pregnant) friend drove behind me. We got there, and I normally do not drink, ya know this TTC thing I have been concentrating on for the last 4 yrs , But I decided, I am not on a medicated cycle, I am on cd somethingteen and I could use a lil lettin loose in my life right now. So, I drank, and I drank some more (in my defense- they were small lil dixie cups and only $1). I was by NO MEANS inebriated and my friend already told me that she would drive me home. So I hitched a ride home with her.(because I do not agree with any amount of alcohol and then driving any type of vehicle + other job related reasons :0) )

I called my husband and told him that I was getting a ride home, blah blah And informed him that I left my car. Well, he managed to call my parents to come over and drive us THAT NIGHT to pick up my car. My friend dropped me off, my parents and my husband were waiting for me outside in their car (i was feeling a lil like I was in high school and was in trouble- but that ride to get my car is another post all together - and not the point)

We got home and I told him that I decided that we were going to try something new this month. I don't know if or when I ovulate (might i throw in this disclaimer - a person who consumes alcohol should probably not be peeing on any kind of stick(s) or looking over waking temps) but this month I told him that we were going to give it a good'ol college try EVERY DAY - (obviously I had more to drink then I thought).

Boy was he excited, he said I should include alcohol in my diet more often. I have kept up my end of the bargain................. and I have nothing else to say