Some things are only learned from the depths

*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand

You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.

I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.

I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.

You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..

I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.

I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.

I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...

So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....

Giving Thanks ... Yum

I made our own Babyfood. It's the easiest thing ever. I went to the fresh market and bought 1 lb of green beans, a sweet potato, figi apples and bananas. I went to my parents house (because they have a chopper I wanted to try) and put the sweet potato in the oven for 40mins-ish. Boiled/steamed the green beans and apples w/some cinnamon. I did use this website suggestion and I did store them in ice cube trays and put them in the freezer. All in all, took about 2 hours from start to finish and I have tons of food. I spent $5. Here is my estimations so if you try it at home, you won't have too much foods to process. Loosely Based on 1 ice cube slot = 1 oz. A banana = 8oz, Sweet potato (average size) and 1 oz of breast milk = 12 oz, 3 figi apples and a tablespoon of water = 8 oz, 1 lb of fresh green beans and 1 oz of breast milk = 12 oz


apples


green beans


sweet potatoes


alittle elf.....

My freezer is stocked. We gave MT 1 cube of green beans and 1 cube of banana today mixed together. He absolutely loved it. My dad let him taste the applesauce yesterday also... boy did he tear that up! This solid foods seems to be going .. BUT Good Gracious... THE poop. Solid poops are disgusting ..OH MY WORD. ...It's awful. .... Oh tangent ....

Giving Thanks. Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. I think it is because our family and friends get together and spend the day eating, talking and just enjoying each other. Christmas tends to be so hectic and on the go and "presents" orientated. I never seem to enjoy - scratch that ..no one seems to enjoy the process of christmas like we do for thanksgiving.

Plus, for Years now,I have longed to be able to watch the parade with my child. Iknow that this year he may not "watch it" but in years to come, I hope that he will be just as excited about the parade as I am every year. This year, I have tons and tons to be thankful for. I want to stop and recognize It. I am thankful for this blog and the readers behind the blogs. Thank you for expanding my life. Blogging has allowed me to open myself up, feel like there are others out there that somehow understand me, relate to me and want to see me survive this rollercoaster ride of life. I am not a touchy person irl ..but by blogging it has allowed to me to explore myself and expand as a person. I am thankful for each and every one of you ...Commentors or Not... Thank you for this opportunity and friendship.

I wanna be a Dairy Cow

I read a blog this week that was talking about how they do not usually post pictures of their children on an IF blog for sensitivity reasons. I understand that - It's an IF community and the raw sight of children could be very upsetting to us at different times in our journey. I have not forgotten that - I know that I am a HUGE offender of splashing my child on my blog. I wanted to share what I posted on her blog in reference to children/baby pics on blogs. I wanted to make it clear to any of my readers that when I post a picture of MT on my blog, I do it because I feel like he is apart of this community. I feel like he is apart of all of you that have commented, emailed, sent prayers, good vibes and any amount of support for me and my situation. I feel like he is just as much apart of this community as the next TTC blogger. I do. I really do. Just like the saying "It takes a whole village to raise a child", I believe that is how MT got here. This whole village! So I want to share him with you. It is not at all done out of selfishness or have anything to do with me forgetting what it is like in the trenches of cycling. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about this community. The experience, friendship and knowledge have carried me through many hard times and I want to give back so others can feel what I have felt and am feeling. I really feel a strong bond and connection to so many. I just wanted to clarify that. Her post made me think

On a lighter note, I was watching dir.ty jo.bs the other day. It was an episode about a dairy farm. I never in a million years thought I would be jealous of a Dairy cow .. But the Host was explaining that the dairy cow gets hooked up to a milk pump for 40 mins and produces 8 gallons of milk ..... I will be honest, I became extremely envious ... OF A DAIRY COW ..... Seriously? ... Who is this person blogging ... The Vet was also explaining how they check for mastitis and then showed them giving their utters a "cleaning" with this fire torch ... to burn off the hair ... OMG really? The cows never flinched at all when they used the fire, the vet swore they couldn't feel it ...... WOW am I really talking about this ... Ok well there is where my mind is ... apparently I am still nuts. If you were concerned

Evolution of Me's

This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.

I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.

Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.

Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.

TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.

This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)

Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.

So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.

2 posts in one day ...

I just wanted to note how great my friends are. They surprised me.
A few days ago, a friend called and asked me to meet her for lunch at A.pple.Bee’s today for lunch (and ever since, I had been dreaming about their chi.cken faj.ita roll-u.p) So I met her up there to find that she called a few other really close friends ( that knew about my IUI's), balloons, cupcakes and presents for me. I had a “YEAH you’re Pregnant” Party!!! I was so shocked and honored; it’s nice to be loved. You Guys ROCK! You know how to make a girl feel special! Thank you!

If you are a science junkie, Like me, check out this webiste

Stolen from this website:

"Studies indicate that the sperm with the X chromosome - or female chromosome - have a longer life span than the male sperm (with the Y chromosome).Yet the male sperm appear to have a higher motility. Sperm motility is measured in two ways: percentage of sperm exhibiting movement, and the quality of this movement, which is called the forward progression. Poor motility means the sperm have a difficult time swimming toward the egg.It is said that the sperm carrying the Y chromosome uses energy faster than the sperm carrying the X chromosome. The energy utilization is said to be due to the speed in which sperm swim. Supposedly, the Y sperm is speedy or contains less mitochondria whereas the X sperm is slower or carries more mitochondria. Mitochondria are the energy producing cellular components which are absolutely necessary for life. Sperm contain, and can only produce, so much fuel for their journey. If one sperm type swims faster than another, the consequence of that, of course, is faster arrival - but also faster expiration. That said, if a woman knows her cycle and when she ovulates, the odds of baby gender prediction can be in one's favor. Sperm can reach the fallopian tubes in about 20 minutes to 2 hours. Sperm are viable for about 4-7 days inside the woman."

Anyone know if that is remotely have any truth to it? I'm heading upstairs to our DNA Section and asking if this is true. I want to know just because I am a science junkie.

Calling all self cleaning cat box owners:

Anyone have a self cleaning litterbox.. My husband insists that we get one.. if so, could you leave opinions on the ones you like.

Black Friday *updated*

I know there are many happy bloggers out there today but so far I am hit with 2 really sad bloggers and I cannot help but post links to their blog for others to help offer words of support to them:

first is Tarah who just received a BFN after another IUI.

Second is an email I received from Amanda: subject line NOT FAIR:
"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

*UPDATED (only to add more sad bloggin' news, this is a really bad friday)

Please stop by Leah's page, and Carrie also



Please if you have a chance to go leave some kind words on their pages. It breaks my heart to understand such strong feelings.

Unpacking mentally and physically

It’s CD 10 (or CD9) not completely sure – my CBE Monitor requested me POAS this AM and I decided against it. Maybe tomorrow, but today I just didn’t feel like it.

We are going through adjustment phase at the new Fertilize Me household. I have decided that moving and unpacking has made me a little more nostalgic than I would have liked it to have been. (this is just some history about me - nothing cycle related - you can stop reading if you are looking for cycle related posts) We moved from Tallahassee a few years ago when I got a promotion and relocated (thanksgiving weekend 2003). We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment in Tallahassee and when we moved to Tampa, we moved into my parent’s house (back into my old bedroom where I grew up). TALK ABOUT WEIRD!! It was just temporary because we were looking for an apartment and/or something to buy. Real Estate was on the rise and the FL market was unstable (and continues to be). I just moved my husband w/o a job and no degree since I made him quit school to relocate to a new university. Yes, he obviously loves me – because I made him give up A LOT for my happiness. I was struggling a lot, missing my college friends, wrestling with personal demons, adjusting to being married, and I was devastated every period that came and went – we started trying to have children immediately (read- before we were actually married). We couldn’t afford much on just my salary and my husband didn’t complete his degree yet, so we needed to be financially responsible and try to make decisions based on that while he was out looking for a job. FINALLY a few weeks into December, I could not take the 1.5 hour commute to work anymore or the parental supervising that I had not had in my life since I was 17 – ( I moved out of my parents house the summer of my 18th birthday - So that is 10 yrs of being out of that house) I needed my own place no matter what we had to do to make it happen – and my husband had a job – it wasn’t a great one, but it was a paying one. So we moved out and boy was it time. We moved into a very small 1 bedroom/one bathroom apartment and paid way to much in rent but it was WELL worth my sanity. We left many boxes packed because there was just no room for all that we had and some of the stuff we didn’t need until we had a more permanent location. We stayed there (for 2 yrs) until the bathroom ceiling fell in and we had to move – I found another smaller, “more affordable” townhome (read dumpy ole shack). We were going to stay there long enough to save money to buy our own place. 2 yrs later, several recent unhelpful phone calls to my landlord, a mortgage company, realtor, and loan officer, we decided it was time to move again because our townhouse was getting “worse” and it was affecting me and my attitude. And buying a home right now was an even worse ideaso it was back to looking for a place to rent. So that’s where we are NOW. I am unpacking some boxes that were packed up from the original move in 2003. I found a BBT thermometer and old tempting charts (that didn’t help me get a baby), many books about getting pregnant the natural way, a saliva fertility predictor (that didn’t help me bring home a baby), the Nu.va ring timer that told me when to insert a new one to help regulate my hormones in order to be pregnant which the dr swore I would be pregnant after atleast 3 rounds, and many other stupid items I bought to help bring me a baby – which also didn’t help. As I unpacked these items, I was revisited with all kinds of emotions and the one that I remember the most is desperation. I remember how I desperately wanted a baby and that If someone back then would have told me 4 yrs later I still would be struggling the same way, I think I would have giving up on hope and ended it all (I have been in a very dark place). And now that it is 4 yrs later, as much as it sucks, I am so much more knowledgeable than “that girl”, I miss her naivety, passion, and hope but I have learned a lot about who I am and how strong I am and how strong my marriage is. I have learned that I can weather a storm and hold strong unto my faith and family. It's not been all bliss and joy or intense pain either – but It has just Been – and I have a (sometimes dark) past but I have hope for a brighter future because of this experience - bet you can't wait for me to go back to talkin about my Cycles !!

More Keyword Analysis

I can not help myself from posting this again - the keywords are way to entertaining not to share (except the last one). So here ya go:

• TTC and Carrots - are you people being funny out there? Are there benefits to carrots that I should know about??
• Fertilize your brain - Can this be done? Maybe I am trying to fertilize the wrong things
• Can progesterone make me relaxed - I dunno can it? Goes against all i have read but who knows?
• heavy bleeding then it slows down, i had positive pregnancy test now bleeding - UGH so sorry you have to find MY blog of all blogs - I am truly sorry

I am typing this from my new apartment. We are 90% moved out of the old place. I am dog tired though. My poor hubby had to help move ALOT of heavy stuff then go to work tonight. I know he is way more tired than I am. Poor Guy.

The BFP theme is running rampet! I am so happy to see that persistence and treatments pay off!! Grats to all the BFP's running around out there.

Also, saying lots of prayers for those experiencing miscarriages, seems we got a good bit of those as well. I am very sorry and I grieve with you. It's just awfully sad. Sending my prayers up for us all!

Resolve and The Rambling's of my head

I went to my very first resolve meeting last night. We addressed an issue in great lengths, Secondary Infertility- I ashamedly admit, in the past, I was on the "you have 1 kid you should be grateful" bandwagon. But recently, I have found strength in numbers and encouraging energy from those that crossed over from Primary Infertility to Infertility after baby 1. Infertility is Infertility regardless. There are some women that have never seen a positive pregnancy test and there are some that have experienced many miscarriages. All of our stories are not exactly alike, but our emotions are. It's all a journey and we all need each other’s strengths, hopes, stories for encouragement and to help provide a glimmer of hope on a very lonely and depressing time. It is much better to support each other through all of this and use this situation as an opportunity for healing, learning and education. We all have "different" parts that make the struggles and journeys different that play into the big picture but there is something to learn from everyone. Since we are all suffering from Infertility, we all know that you have to be open to options. Because, frankly, that is what "this" is all about. Options ... and through all these options, I have allowed myself to learn patience and tolerance, and walk softer and have my ears more open. It doesn't mean that I do not "hurt" less. I now think about Infertility this way: Depression(or fill in the blank with any sickness/disease/medical phenomenon) - there are MANY numerous causes/treatments of depression. The common bond between 2 people that have depression isn't want gets them to the depression diagnosis – it’s the actual diagnosis. IF is exactly like this ... we are all struggling with the same diagnosis, not the same journey. As tough of a message as that was for me, it allowed me to be more open and honest with myself and my feelings, instead of always turning it into bitter and jealousy. I just want some peace in the very painful situation.

First impressions are rough and the Resolve meeting didn't make me feel less sad or meet new like-minded people (like i had hoped it would). Maybe I am at a different place. I am going to go back for one more meeting. I am hoping that people open up (more for some and less for others) and treat it like the real world and seek coping skills it will be fantastic. It's ok that someone else has had a baby - No i have not had a baby, yes i want one with all my heart. But knowing that they got to the other side of the fence provides me hope and encouragement. They can relate to my emotions. They, now that they have crossed over, still can't just decide to have another baby and pee on a stick and see a positive mark. .. It's still very raw for them ..I imagine it's not any easier ... it's like riding a bike i assume. I wish our meeting could have been more zen like - like a shelter from the IF storm. I wish i could have not been so insanely timid and recluse. I did not make a good impression of myself... Gosh - i hate when i do that to myself. I dunno why I clam up - it gets old .....The next meeting is going to be better- I am going to try and meet 1 new person

Go visit Trish (if you haven't already). She got more than a fireworks show last night!

CD 16 .. still no prediction from the ovulation kits. I am trying not ot get down about it really. But the lines of hte opk are getting lighter and lighter. BUT the test lines are also getting lighter too... Weird I tell ya.

Day 2 and 3 Recap

Apparently blogger doesn't see why it is necessary to password protect a certain blog entry. Should have done a lil research, I could have used a different service. Also, I am a proud new member of Resolve. Yah me, I am so very excited about our first meeting in the Tampa Bay Area.
Anyhoo: Clo.mid Kick-Off #4 is very mellow. Uneventful, less stressful. I had more anxiety Friday and Saturday before I started Clo.mid then I have had taking Clom.id WEIRD but I will embrace it because I was a Raging Sad, miserable lunatic last time.
In a more TMI kind of IF note- Someone mentioned Muce.nix with Clomid?? What days are you supposed to take that. I think I could really benefit from that to say the least. I am experiencing something VERY strangly wet and thick .... ????!!!?!?!
Thank you once again to all the WONDERFUL people behind the Braces Bunch. I received such great encouraging, loving cards from you again the l;ast couple weeks. I don't know what I would do w/o y'all. You guys are truly a blessing.
I Will Be a Mom sent me scripture card that includes my absolute favorite Bible verse. This bible verse has popped up numerous times in my life from many different people of all walks of life. I have held onto these words since I was a little girl sitting on my grandfathers lap. My grandfather is the person that introduced me to the verse way back when I was a wee tot. Seeing it come on a card from far away from a person that doesn't really know my in RL but supports me regardless is more apparent that there is a Plan and a God that listens and loves people. It touched my soul. (I have goosebumps, butterflies in my tummy, chills and a tear- stained face - it really has stirred my soul- such an incredible blessing. I will be a Mom, WOW, thank you ;) The verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I share this as a Pass it on/Pay it Forward. I hope this verse encourages all who read it - 1/2 as much as it has impacted my life.

What I do after a post like yesterday

That's right - a pedicure !! It felt very nice to just sit in a massaging chair and read for 40 mins !

ALSO, Resolve must have heard my prayers and screams because they are FINALLY starting a group in Tampa in July. Here is the information:
The Tampa, FL Peer-Led Support Group meets the second Wednesday of every month from 7PM-9PM beginning July 11. The July meeting will feature Kathy Foundatin, MS, LMHC, on the topic of "Coping with the stress of infertility." For more information or to RSVP, please call 727.612.0573.

THIS IS FABULOUS NEWS. It also just may have saved me $650 because I contacted the leader a few months ago (before i started this blog) and she and another woman lead a mind/body group for infertile couples but my husband and I figured that $650 was alittle out of our price range for therapy. So that is why I started the blog in the first place - to save my sanity and $650 for actual treatments instead eof group therapy.

I also saw that Teamwinks is starting a up a Resolve group in Huntsville, Alabama. Here is that information: The Huntsville, AL Peer-Led Support Group meets the third Wednesday of every month at 6PM to discuss topics on general infertility. For more information or to RSVP, please contact Becky at armsforanangel@yahoo.com.

THANK YOU!! Thank you very much for the kind and generous comments left on my blog today. I didn't realize that it was the first day for the Commentathon and slightly embarrassed that was a first post for some of you to read. I hope it doesn't run you off. I promise, there is a lot of fun had too. It was very nice tosee all the comments on my blog, I love meeting/reading about new people!

CHEERS to getting to new new names/blogs

Interesting Link.. hope it works

I was reading msn and found this story .. watch after the advertisement

Pictures' worth 1000 words

Thank you so much for the Braces Bunch ....



Talk about receiving warm fuzzy feelings. We lost our mailbox key, never found it, finally today my husband broke down and went and talked to our complex about getting a new one and BAM, insta-happiness. I received so many warm wishes and happy thoughts. It was awesome. Thank you for being such great/supportive people. I made a wish and rubbed a stone (which I am thinking about making into a necklace)


I have decided to join many in the Inferility Photoshoot Off 2007. SO List away ..what do you want to see. (i do not have a house or a tattoo yet ) if i get either they will be definitely posted .. but ask away I finally figured out how to post pics so this is exciting (and i LOVE taking pictures of happy things) I usually take pictures of Yucky things most days.


Anla and I chatted it up On instan.t messanger. That was really cool. Thanks for chatting with me Anla. It was a great time getting to know you.


It's CD 19. I didn't monitor anything but I feel as if I am ovulating or have ovulated. I am very optimistic this month .. I don't really know why. Blind Hope .... aren't I cute ;)