The Caged Bird Sings

I am always late to the book parties. I was not an avid reader when I was school-aged. If it wasn't a Gossip Mag, it had no interest to me. I saw no point. Somewhere over the last few years, A bookworm was born. I had to make up for lost time. I had to go back and read the classics that we were supposed to read for our summer reading list. Then I would always just ask for suggestions and go from there.

Last year, after poking so much fun at the twilight series, I was talked into reading it. I read the whole series in a week-ish. I was sucked in. I loved it. I can still be found daydreaming about Bella and Edward. No, not the movie version. the Book version. Yes, in my mind, there are 2 versions. The book version was so.much.more. The love, the fairy tale, the romance. All created by words and my imagination. Makes my heart all fluttery and swoony. I LOVE That feeling.

I finally jumped on The Hunger Games bandwagon. I cannot say that I jumped in w both feet. I was on vacation a week ago and I took The Help with me. I read that much faster than I anticipated (finished it on the ride down to the keys) and Day 1 into Vacation, I needed another book. The Hunger Game had been suggested many times, But I had no interest in it. Not even a little. But I went to a book store and found a copy of Book 1 for under $5. The second book was $8 but I decided that I would only risk the $5. Most likely I would not get past chapter 2.

I finished the first book in 24 hours. I went back to get book 2 and found it sold out. On our way home from vacation, I stopped at every store I thought could possibly carry books but found none.

Finally, we were almost home and I stopped at our store in town and bought it. I could not wait to get home, get the kids to bed and jump in. I am an addict. I could not wait each day to read more. To find out more of the story. I finished book 2 and ran out for book 3. I got to book 3 and noticed that I wanted to read it but I found myself reading slower than I had read the other 2. I realized, I did not want it to end. So I put it off a few days because I Knew that if I picked it up, I would read straight til the end .... and then what.

Well, last night I did just that. I put the kids to bed, grab the book and did not stop until the end. 2 AM. It is THAT addicting. It is That captivating.

Today, I got the kids down for a nap at the same. I went to pick the book up and remembered that I already finished it. Today, Right now, I am missing Katniss and her Crew. Have you read this yet? What did you think?

Jumping on the bandwagom

this may be cheating, but I saw that the book brigade was discussing Eat, Pray, Love. I was mesmerized by this book a few months ago and wrote a post about it. I thought I'd repost it again since it was being brought back up on other blogs. I actually kept notes on this book and have re-read parts over again. This book really captured me and helped open my eyes to human relations and spirituality. It showed me that there is so much more in life about spirituality that I can't even grasp. It challenged me to think outside of the little box of my experience, knowledge and expectations. I can not stop saying great things about this book. I felt some of the passion i had lost over the year seep back into my soul after reading/studying and challenging myself in this book.

We are sitting at home today watching the weather reports. Hopefully Fay will have very minimal impact to our state ..She looks like just buckets of rain

Having Babies with help from Science and Third Parties

Having a Baby … When the Old-Fashioned Way Isn’t working By Cindy Margolis

I think this book is incredibly insightful for someone going (or getting ready to go) through assisted reproductive treatments. I have 3 pages of notes. (yes I am a note taker, I don’t write in my books, haha) I do highly suggest this book to anyone seeking , start to seek, or are considering reproductive assistance of any kind. Run out and read this book. I also suggest that you buy an extra copy for your family members to read. It will open the lines up for communication and support that you will need/deserve.(which is a big reason Cindy wrote the book) It will (hopefully) open their eyes and heart to understand that "just relax" and "just adopt" are not "Justs", nor are they completely helpful or scientific.



This book is written in such a fashion that combines the clinical world with the emotional aspects and side effects that are Infertility and it's Treatments. It is written in the most open and honest dialect. Cindy explains many options for treatments with plenty of extra resources and sitings to allow the reader to do plenty of their own research. In fact, that is one of the messages through out the entire book. Research, research research. In the words of Cindy “Good information empowers women and couples to make wiser and more informed decisions and helps removed the social stigma and secrecy surrounding infertility.” I could not agree with this statement more!


I thought the personal stories of others was very helpful and insightful for me. It allowed me to take a ride through different types of treatment that we have never considered before. There were quite a few options I never knew existed. Plus I love learning about this topic.


I was amazed at some of the Stats and Procedures (because I am a numbers/science junkie):

In 2006 – 9 million women used fertility services. (Then why do we feel so alone?)

Some RE Clinic’s can only give a 23% success rate for IVF- so research and know your clinic.

1 out of 5 women/couples have trouble conceiving (again why do we feel so ashamed and alone?)

There is a new procedure being conducted referred to as the Mini-IVF. It works with natural cycles.

Ovary Transplant … enough Said … I almost fell on the floor!



Quotes from the book I found EXTREMELY relevant and helpful: *there are so many more, I just listed a few

“Lesson 1- You are not in control” – I am still trying to learn that

“In a lot of ways seeing an infertility specialist is like going to an AA meeting. You have to admit you have a problem before you can get the help you need.”

“Information helped, but gave a false sense of control”

“Going through Infertility, you will wonder daily how much of yourself you can lose before you’ve gone beyond the point of no return”

“You will probably surprise yourself at how strong you can be when you need to be”

“A diagnosis of Infertility can knock you right on your butt, the process is an emotional, physical, and financial roller coaster that you fear you’ll never be able to get off.”

“Please do whatever it takes not to feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that you need help.”



Things I found very helpful:

All of the procedure explanations

Every Chapter Every Personal Story

All of the added resources and websites

The Male Perspective

Being one that did a few IUI’s, I was glad to see that she acknowledged that the IUI procedure was for her “where making love became making a baby” and that she really felt her life being turned over to science at that defining moment.

The Marriage/Sex relationship Ups and Downs

The Letter to your State Representative that she gave permission to copy and send



Things I wish the book explained a little better:

Preliminary Testing and why it’s important - I think I mention this because I am truly passionate about testings for myself. I want to know anything and everything possible. I think testing is more important that alot of people realize. I think the medical community has the knowledge these days to prevent things if testings are done and done properly ( not just IF related)
Adoption- This book is definitely treatment orientated. It does not leave you with a warm fuzzy feeling for this topic. I think that would have made the book a little more well-rounded. But in this books defense, as stated several times, adoption was not an avenue she explored greatly - therefore she does not have any knowledge in that area. But she does mention that family members did adopt, maybe they should have written a piece?



There is SO much information packed very nicely in this book. I did not want to give away much of the goods. Like she encouraged me, I encourage you to read it and let’s start talking openly about our Infertility. Let’s stop making it a dirty little secret.

Eat, Pray, Love

I am in the middle of reading this book.

Right now, I totally recommend this book to/for any woman. I have found myself nodding in agreement over her thoughts, feelings and emotions even though she has not suffered infertility related topics, she has suffered. And she is insightful as all get out. The word phrases she uses, just comfort me. Here are some examples that have just really set my brain in overdrive these past couple of days. (I do not want to ruin the story line so I will not go into depth – but I really wanted to share some of the more eloquent analogies she uses in her book): (my thoughts are in italics)

“(Loneliness) is going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”
I can not tell you how that one line in this book broke a dam in my soul and made me weep and weep. I have felt this type of victimization and vulnerability to Loneliness before in my life. I have been violated by loneliness many, many times and I would have never illustrated it in this manner (because I am just not that creative) but WOW, what a powerful statement. This spoke volumes to me on many different levels and crisis’s in my life.

(running to catch an elevator- catching a glimpse of herself in the mirrored reflection )“In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split second message: Hey! I know her! That’s a friend of yours!- And I actually ran forward towards my own reflection with a smile ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar”
I think about this the most. Parts of me in the journey to conceive have been robbed. But there are some parts that I am grateful for. I have learned a great deal about adversity, compassion, and acceptance. I have met great friends. I have sacrificed myself may times over. I am found ways to pick myself up when I thought I had nothing left in me. But there are brief moments, when I see the old me and I do embrace her as a familiar face.

(the author talking about American Philosophy and how we are semi-programmed to think) “Do we deserve pleasure? … “How is pleasure most efficiently maximized?”
Her point is that we have insecurities about whether or not we have earned our happiness. Like there is a sliding scale of judgment. We base it off things and values and past experiences, our ancestors, company we keep. We have what she calls “recreational binges”. We go all out and splurge only to follow up that with a period of guilt and remorse.

“When I get lonely these days, I think, So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it for once in your life, but never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unified yearnings.”
I still cannot completely say that I have wrapped my head around this statement. HOLY COW have I subjected far too many people to my scratching post. I am having a hard time dealing with that statement alone. But I want to conquer this. It will lead me to explore better places in my mind and heart.

Weekend Update

I accidentially stumbled on a television show that I absolutely LOVE. Its called Footballer's Wive$. It is on the BBC channel and I fancy it !!! It's like Desparate Housewives meets Sex and the City on cable (has a plot with a point and awesome scenery)

They had a marathon last sunday and I got to tape all the episodes in what i think is season 2. (what i think is) Season 3 started wednesday. They seem to be running season 2 also at midnight on saturday nights as well.. I noticed extra recordings on my tiv.o and they were the same episodes. If anyone is looking for good trash tv... I'm your woman (I should be ashamed of myself I know)



I also saw knocked up yesterday. This movie (although a touchy subject for myself, my husband, and everyone reading) was insanely hilarious. Some could veiw it as a little insensitive and insulting - But for the most part, there is FAR more funny involved. And at the end of the 2 hours, It was a movie which provided my alot of laughter on topic that has a tendency to be The White Elephant in any room I seem to be in lately.


I bought 2 books this weekend: Waiting for Daisy and A Few Good Eggs. I cant' wait to finish them. I started with Waiting for Daisy first.
It is CD31 - I guess i have to hold out 10 more day gauging on past cycles. They are about 36-45 days long the past couple months. I really thought metformi.n was supposed to regulate them... Maybe its ok for them to be 36-45 days apart !?!?

My new body armor

Well for the exciting news first, Ill start backwards:

I went to my primary care physician today and found out that I have drop 14 lbs. I am so freak'n excited. I knew I had lost weight, I could feel it but WHOA 14 lbs ................... That Insulin Book isn't a crapshoot after all.

I know you are thinking ... Dr's appointment, I didn't know she had a Dr. appointment - she would have told us if she had one, I mean what else is a fertility blog about if we aren't informed of ALL medical related information ..... Funny you should be thinking that because when I woke up Tuesday morning, I wasn't planning a trip to see the Dr. but my body had other plans {insert cheesy, ironic, predictable, scary movie music here}

So I am going about my day, noticing that for some reason, "Boy do I have to pee alot", (still not sure why thing is happening, I feel all "bloated or full in the abdomen" when I have to pee and i have to pee often ... (i still do not know why this is happening, I'm assuming a cyst) ..Ok moving on

So 4 pm I am in the bathroom at work and in simple terms "doing #1". I then notice ALOT of bright red in my undergarment .. at first I get mad because AF stopped Saturday and I'm thinking .."CRAP, MORE BLEEDING C'MON" .. then i notice that the blood is WAY too far back to be AF bleeding and I start to get a lil freaked out and test my theory * i know sorry for the bad imagery* But yes it was coming from THAT area and I asked a very good co-worker what she thought and she told me .. its probably fine just a strain from takin care of business, in her words. So I go about my day. I had a meeting after work, So i went to that, went to the bathroom again and noticed alot more ... So i excuse myself from the meeting and drive home to tell my husband. He investigated the situation and insists that we go, without dinner, immediately to the ER. Now, I am starting to feel light headed, hungry, and very anxious. Luckily for me, It must have been a good TV night, because the ER was empty, I was taken back within 20 mins of arriving after the triage nurse telling me, Oh you take aspirin .. thats probably your problem, I inform her that I was instructed to take aspirin and she states that alot of Dr. do that with out real cause ..... Maybe we should all see her for our RE appointments. ..... Lil miss know it all Triage LaDY .. (if I had been dying on any other day I would have had to wait at least 2 hours). Here's where it gets interesting:

OK so I get back in the ER room, the nurse comes in and attempts to start an IV .... why, I dunno... then he states that he needs to draw blood, I explain to the nice nurse that I am a very hard stick and that I require a butterfly .. he confidently responds "I am the BLOOD drawing KING". I advice him that many of his fellow commodores h ave stated the same thing but leave me black and blue .... I'm again reassured of his mad skills .... Long story short .............




I was stuck by 3 different nurses ... and finally they had to send someone from the lab down to draw it. I have 3 areas on my arm that all look identical to that ... AND i had an allergic reaction to the paper tape they use to hold on the cotton after they remove the needle (notice the blown vein)

OK back to my story ... Dr came in and told me that maybe I was bleeding from that place where AF comes from.... I wanted to respond .......... Don't start with me Jerkface, I KNOW where I am bleeding from .... but I responded calming that I disagreed with that but maybe she know something I didn't. SO she decided to take a peek and do a pelvic examine (YUCK)... then replies that she guesses I was expelling red fluids from other regions that are not related to AF, we must test it to see if it is blood ... WOW genius... lets DO

After $50, a long night, no dinner, and bad TV I was sent home because everything was normal.. YES it's completely NORMAL to expel red fluids out of your other regions. I was instructed to call my Primary Care Physician in the morning for a follow-up. Which explains my very first statement ..... We discussed my new foods/meds and decided that I must have internal hemorrhoids ................ WTF ................. She relates it to my Metformin Moments (which i have very few of) and new foods. The bleeding was related to the fact that I have been taking aspirin which she wants me to stop and instead take a stole softener EVERY DAY .............. Yippeeee fun for me. I will have to call the dr of the vampyric research (my RE) and see what he thinks about this .... Life is always exciting when TTC .. (hey lookie here, I figured out how to post pics)

Sun Rise, Sun Set

February is over today ...... and March is here tomorrow ... Elementary My Dear Watson - I have gone crazy with my eating this week (need i mention girl scout thin mints) in preparation for March 1st.

Ever since my dr. appointment I have been Madly/Wildly googling (a new fav phrase for my husband is wikipediing) PCOS, PolyCystic, Metformin, Insulin Resistance, Candida et al, et nauseum (sp?) .. You name it, I goggled it. Not only did I google it. I spent $70 at the bookstore tonight.

I went to the book store for a particular book called The Insulin Resistance Diet: How to Turn off your Body's Fat-Making Machine by Cheryle Hart, MD and Mary Kay Grossman, RD. It was recommended on a board/forum I read. Well, while in the health section I found a book called The New Glucose Revolution Guide to Living Well with PCOS by Dr Jennie Brand-Miller. Then a book entitled The Infertility Survival Handbook; Beating the Odds and Surviving by Elizabeth Swire Falker just happened to fall on the floor and beg to come home with me, SO I couldn't just leave it there, Plus I do need a survival plan when i come home to tell my husband that, he too, is going on an Insulin/Candida Resistance Diet and I spent $70 in books to guide us.

Tangent - Also, My sister has been trying to get me to understand and try this Candida Cleansing Diet for about 2 yrs now and I just didn't have the disciple or the knowledge. (until now since i am desperate to just ovulate on my own and not have to spend an obscene amount of money on fertility treatments because we cannot afford it - also since i spent the last 6 months of 2006 spending a fortune in an ClearBlue Easy ovulation monitor, CBE ovulation pee sticks, clomid, provera, and many other medical procedures and labs - that resulted in bad times, weigh gain, daily crys', struggling marriage, severed relationships, sleep lost, I'm sure there is more, I just can't remember it all)

With that said, this whole "too much, sugar, yeast, bad carbs" lingo is all starting to make sense. It goes right along with the Insulin Resistance and how you don't even have to be overweight to experience this attack on our organs. Although I am a bit over weight, my sister is FAR from it and she had too much yeast/Candida in her system- enough to bog her internal system down. I know that many women (big, thin, alil over weight, or Goldilocks' (just the right size) all experience infertility and PCOS. It didn't make sense to me at all at first (about 2 yrs ago) - because I kept rationalizing that we have crack hoes, and malnourished woman getting pregnant all the time and I just couldn't believe that I was the lucky statistic that would "have to watch what I ate in order to get pregnant or lose weight before i got pregnant to only put the weight back on. BUT apparently I am. AND I found a book on that also called Complete CandidaYeast Guidebook by Jeanne Marie Martin. Dr's don't test for how much yeast you have you your system (and they should, because It is a silent factor. I would like to be bold enough to say that I would bet that alot of women with "unexplained fertility" could try this diet it would work for them. - but I don't have the research to back that statement up and It is probably "ignorance" speaking. I just want to solve all of our infertiles' problems.. like blink and twitch my nose and make it all magically work out for all of us.

With all my research my husband said that I have received my Doctoral Degree from the University Of Google - and that now I am an expert in Insulin/Candida Diets. My husband and I are "changing our eating habits" as of March 1. SO I will continue my education further with the above list of book which I am sure will lead to more "educated" posts.