This post contains some of my deepest feelings/flaws – regardless of how petty/mean/wrong you view them – please remember that this is my blog with my feelings and I am a work in progress (daily): This post is going to go through my stages/views on this whole thing referred to as pregnancy/motherhood. It’s been brewing for about 5+ months now. I am not sure if this is a normal reaction to pregnancy after experiencing struggles, losses, and let downs or of this is just normal progression through life.
I have been dealing with 2000000000 different emotions lately. It’s more complex emotions than happy, sad, glad etc. Mostly Guilt– Poured on Thick (guilt of all kinds, mostly led by past/present fears, past jealousy, and insecurities)
Pretty much every day since the seeing 2 lines to seeing a heartbeat - I have remembered (or been reminded of) the Pre-TTC (~ college) me Either by other people but mostly my thoughts – Pre TTC-Me would walk around announcing things like “She never wanted kids”; there was always a reason. Too messy, too needy, too loud, too busy, too much responsibility, too (insert whatever excuse here), etc… This statements at that time were Part true, part was said out of fear (of a few things: responsibility, fear that I wouldn’t be able to because my periods have always been wonky, fear of the unknown, fear I would “screw them up”, pass on bad genes or my fused vertebrate, you name it, I have thought it – yes even the really bad or shallow ones) I think I actually wrote a paper in college or stated that I viewed pregnancy as selfish act when we have so many homeless, abandoned, abused, unloved children needing homes.
Then Came fresh TTC me- (right after we got married), something changed, I wanted to be pregnant and have children. Our children. So we tried, and tried, and tried and cried, and had weird things going on with my period – Weird things going on with my body …. Then came a front row seat of watching most of my friends getting married and having children. I started getting saddened by each announcement. The more announcements the more sad and hopeless I felt. We had experienced some difficult things for me to talk about and set-backs. I refused to think/talk about them for the most part. I was embarrassed of me and my body. I would just cry. I suddenly realized I wasn’t so fresh anymore. I was not yet seasoned, but I was sprinkled with bitterness, resentment, angst, anger, depression, fear, panic and many other negative feelings. These were creeping in my daily life. I found it hard to function – I went through waves of emotions over a 4 year period. I would try to concentrate and focus on other things: work, hobbies, new friends (that didn’t have children). I didn’t realize that I was all that bitter and angry alot of the time. I remember saying/thinking (LOTS and LOTS of) things. Things that would protect my heart, mind and soul. I was having a very difficult time determining how to communicate, or how to relate to people. Even how to function with all of the bitter and anger and frustration that I felt inside. It was a bad, bad, bad time in my life. I wanted to not experience those feelings but I just didn't know what or how to get them to leave me alone. There was a quote in a book I read with the barren brigade that basically stated that bitterness and loneliness crept in the characters mind in bed at night torturing her. That was me, insomnia at it's finest. I understood those encounters. I wasn't able to pinpoint how I felt at the time and didn’t realize how hurt and hurtful I could be to myself and others. I just knew that I wanted to give birth to a child really badly.
Then I began the "admitting I need help" phase. The testing phase. I remember thinking, I am trying SO hard to obtain something that only a few years ago I was cursing – So I must be jinxed. It must be fate. I’m doomed. I felt like I had spoken my troubles into existence. It took a few tries to find a good practice, but once found a practice I was comfortable in, the Dr’s were hopeful and very proactive. They listened and tried to explain things and suggested procedures/tests that they wanted to do. I felt like the ball was rolling. It felt good to me. It felt empowering. Knowledge and eliminations were happening and I was actually enjoying it and found out that my body that I hated really wasn’t all that bad. Things could be worse. I had Open tubes, no endo, 2 ovaries with ½ an ovary removed from its weird location. Then came months of monitored anovulatory cycles. Which brought on more experience, frustrations and more pregnant friends. My body/mind shut down, for a while. I become a ball of unpleasantness. I remember saying things to protect my fears, heart, soul. Making deals with myself.
TTC-Me had lofty ideas about being pregnant (and staying pregnant). You know the dream life. Ideal situations. The statements that start of “Well, When I am pregnant I am going to do this, feel this way, act this way, wear this, eat this, never do this, etc”. “Once I have the baby, life is going to be just like this… Usually includes a white picket fence, a husband that Looks like (insert dream man here) and has the greenest grass you have ever seen in your life with a fluffy dog running around. Well- that was TTC-Me - Lots of Grand Ideas/lofty notions with everything planned out accordingly.
When the RE diagnosed me with P.CO.S, (about where this blog starts) I cannot tell you how relieved I was. ( I was a little sad but mostly just excited and relieved). There was a problem. The more I researched, read, discovered about P.CO.S, “It” all started to make since. It gave me some answers on a few pre-ttc experiences I had and lots of ttc experiences we had encountered. I felt like there as a hallelujah moment – where angels come out and sing and shine a big huge spot light on you. When that Light is spotlighting me, I started to rethink some of things that I have said/done in the past slightly … And then this blog picks up and you know the rest of that story.
This blog has provided a new prospective, an opening of my mind, and direct way of therapy for me in many ways and was helping pave the way for a new TTC me. It opened many doors to my heart that allowed me to venture off and heal some past wounds, seek knowledge and know that I am not the only one that has some of these thoughts and feelings. It gave me a place to have some of these thoughts and work through them. Do soul searching and just plain receive simple and genuine support. (It has also been a bit of accountability or a way to keep myself in check)
Pregnant Me – has had a lot of emotions also, as you can see if you want to read back starting in Nov. 07 - But mostly Pregnant Me has been dealing with a lot of grief and guilt brought on by a huge dose of reality. Most of this guilt/grief was directed at TTC-Me but has some to do with the Pre-TTC-Me also. Those Me’s are having to experience something in a very different light than they would have expected. (as most of us struggling do) The pregnant Me is dealing with reality and regrets on many statements, opinions, views, judgements in a major way. The Pregnant Me – is having to deal with MANY numerous consequences from my own thoughts or other individuals. Statements and views I once had now about a reality that I knew nothing about. The Pregnant me found out there are so many things that I didn't realize had to be considered and discussed as a possibility of pregnancy, and preparing for a child. Things that sound bitter and angry now coming back to haunt. (one example, my SMil emailings - which is why that part of my life has been blogged about most recently. It has dredged up more old feelings/situations) I have a very active mind that loves to let me beat myself up pretty good- more than others may/will know. Too many times to really even count. Most of those consequential results are due to my own guilt in my own head. It could be due to hormones, or experiences, life, changes, maturing, I am not really sure – but I am learning and experiencing things that are changing my views. People change. Situations change. And that is why there is compassion and grace. I am now walking through this life, trying to enjoy this pregnancy to it's fullest– because ya know the TTC-Me SAID she “would enjoy every minute of it and NEVER complain”, she “COULD NOT believe those women that complain about being pregnant – It’s the greatest thing in the whole world”. The pregnant me claims that as much as it is the greatest thing in the world (thus far) and I am truly grateful for this experience, it is not all that easy. I am learning. I am changing, My views are changing. My situations are changing. There are times where I now feel like, when I am reminded of the Old Pre/TTC Me – It makes me feel terrible and embarrassed. Then I am reminded of my faith, grace and compassion. I am finding myself always growing and trying to be a better person and trying to conquer/overcome those past memories/experiences. I feel like, through all of this, I am learning the deepest meaning of compassion and grace.
So there it is .. Maybe I am the only person that allows these situations to stay in my over-active mind and beat myself up. This experience for me has been humbling, healing, educational and has put many things in perspective for me. It honestly has allowed me to learn about and apply more compassion and grace to others and myself. I am learning how to let things go. I can not obsess about thoughts/opinions/views that I Had, I have to concentrate on the present and work towards the future to make it better.
Showing posts with label some chemical pregnancies I never talk about. Show all posts
Showing posts with label some chemical pregnancies I never talk about. Show all posts
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
And the Beat goes on
The perinatologist’s office was very very far away and we both really complained about driving that far – but man o man was it worth it. I really haven’t felt more comfortable with any of my care/dr’s completely. But this Dr (aka Dr Wonderful) just laid it all out there and was sympathetic to our situation and needs. He asked me at first if I had any questions, I told him that I may have questions after he goes over the results of our scan and fetal echo. He explained that, as of now, everything is measuring on target and Mini is nearing 16 oz.(~15.5 oz for now). He stated that things seemed to be measuring a few days ahead but that was good news and not bad news. It just gives them wiggle room with my due date (which is still the same). He explained that he was originally concerned about my ASD and spine but after the pictures and echo, all looks great and processing growth that normal.
Then we started discussing the lo.veno.x, auto immune issues, and fertility. Apparently, I have been confused on this topic – and an now a little more confused with a little more clear understanding – if that even makes since.
My RE tested me for a zillion of things. I thought I understood that the mt.hf.r disorder was being treated by the lo.ve.no.x, but that is not the case. I am taking an extra fo.lic acid pill for that. This disorder is called ho.moc.ysteine.
The Lo.ve.no.x is being used to treat an abnormal level of Anti-cardiolipin antibodies.(a.c.a testing) There was a test that revealed that I had a slightly higher level than normal. I think the paper stated that fewer than 11 are good or 10, and mine was 20. Dr Wonderful stated that I was at a slight risk for deep thrombosis as a result of these findings (and m/c's), It’s just precautionary and dually noted to watch. He also explained to me that most women use lo.ve.nox(he.pa.rin along with prednisone and a baby aspirin) early in a pregnancy or before they become pregnant because it makes the uterus/cells more “sticky” to help with implantation if there is to be believed of a need to assist in that area. Since I did not start taking it until week 8 or 9 – he doesn’t think it had much effect on this pregnancy. He also states that my dosages are much too low for a patient who legimately does have this problem. Dr. Wonderful said that based on the dose, he doesn’t think I necessary “need” it but the risks are much greater to take me off of it now – because I have made it this far why screw anything up and be able to second guess medicine. I agreed, so we will continue to same amount like always 1- 40 mL shot a night. He states that I continue until this until week 34.
He tends to believe that my troubles/menstrual cycles,m/c, etc are more due to the P.CO.S., and not the Anti-cardiolipin antibodies (because I started the drugs so late) or ho.moc.ysteine. He stated of course it is a compound issue and makes it seem impossible and complex (or in his words “a doozy”) but it seems to be manageable which we are doing.
So based on all of the above: The ho.moc.ysteine, the P.C.O.S, abnormal Anti-cardiolipin antibodies, and being larger women: Here is the new and latest possible diagnosis that he is slightly concerned with: Pre.ecla.mps.ia.
The only thing about that is that the signs are basically h.igh b.loo.d p.ress.ure. Well, that is one thing that I do not have. My Bp is usually 112/59-118/72 ish. So I hope that it continues to remain normal. I plan on adding more fresh veggies in my diet to help with the folic acid which should help maintain my weight which will hopefully help maintain my pcos and keep me away from the pr.eecla.mpsi.a. PHEW, lots of technical terms – sorry If your face hit the keyboard out of boredom - as always - if you have questions or comments - please feel free to ask away or email me
On the good part – We got to have an u/s for 2 hours and 15 mins while they measures, checked, rechecked, re-measured and showed us and re-showed us boy parts!
Then we started discussing the lo.veno.x, auto immune issues, and fertility. Apparently, I have been confused on this topic – and an now a little more confused with a little more clear understanding – if that even makes since.
My RE tested me for a zillion of things. I thought I understood that the mt.hf.r disorder was being treated by the lo.ve.no.x, but that is not the case. I am taking an extra fo.lic acid pill for that. This disorder is called ho.moc.ysteine.
The Lo.ve.no.x is being used to treat an abnormal level of Anti-cardiolipin antibodies.(a.c.a testing) There was a test that revealed that I had a slightly higher level than normal. I think the paper stated that fewer than 11 are good or 10, and mine was 20. Dr Wonderful stated that I was at a slight risk for deep thrombosis as a result of these findings (and m/c's), It’s just precautionary and dually noted to watch. He also explained to me that most women use lo.ve.nox(he.pa.rin along with prednisone and a baby aspirin) early in a pregnancy or before they become pregnant because it makes the uterus/cells more “sticky” to help with implantation if there is to be believed of a need to assist in that area. Since I did not start taking it until week 8 or 9 – he doesn’t think it had much effect on this pregnancy. He also states that my dosages are much too low for a patient who legimately does have this problem. Dr. Wonderful said that based on the dose, he doesn’t think I necessary “need” it but the risks are much greater to take me off of it now – because I have made it this far why screw anything up and be able to second guess medicine. I agreed, so we will continue to same amount like always 1- 40 mL shot a night. He states that I continue until this until week 34.
He tends to believe that my troubles/menstrual cycles,m/c, etc are more due to the P.CO.S., and not the Anti-cardiolipin antibodies (because I started the drugs so late) or ho.moc.ysteine. He stated of course it is a compound issue and makes it seem impossible and complex (or in his words “a doozy”) but it seems to be manageable which we are doing.
So based on all of the above: The ho.moc.ysteine, the P.C.O.S, abnormal Anti-cardiolipin antibodies, and being larger women: Here is the new and latest possible diagnosis that he is slightly concerned with: Pre.ecla.mps.ia.
The only thing about that is that the signs are basically h.igh b.loo.d p.ress.ure. Well, that is one thing that I do not have. My Bp is usually 112/59-118/72 ish. So I hope that it continues to remain normal. I plan on adding more fresh veggies in my diet to help with the folic acid which should help maintain my weight which will hopefully help maintain my pcos and keep me away from the pr.eecla.mpsi.a. PHEW, lots of technical terms – sorry If your face hit the keyboard out of boredom - as always - if you have questions or comments - please feel free to ask away or email me
On the good part – We got to have an u/s for 2 hours and 15 mins while they measures, checked, rechecked, re-measured and showed us and re-showed us boy parts!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
What Might Have Been
I haven’t had a real post in months – I have been too afraid to say much, I have been trying to deal with my anxiety rationally. I am still working on dealing with my irrational and anxious thoughts. After dealing with some family stuff a few years ago, I am now convinced that this is a family trait. Worry, Doom/gloom, anxiety and etc. I am a some what of a people-pleaser and I know that some will judge me on this post about how after yrs of IF i should just be grateful -well, Life is life and that's all i gotta say about that ...
Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).
Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)
I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.
Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.
Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills
I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)
I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.
Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)
I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)
I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on
Warning – a real hard emotional post for me to admit/type (please do not throw daggers).
Pre-Pregnant Me – had all of these lofty ideas about pregnancy, pregnant women, and life. Now, 18 weeks pregnant me, has new theories: ( i won't bore you with them yet)
I should back this up a bit – I work in a job in which I have talked myself into staying at for quite some time now (i should state i love my job tasks) its the agency that is the problem)– because of great retirement plans and job security. ( I have wanted to leave several times, but kept telling myself that my earned time will help out during maternity leave – because I could use it as paid leave) I also talked myself into staying because looking/starting a new job while seeking treatments/testings/procedures would just be “harder” to explain and request/ask for time off.
Before the whole Infertility Treatment Realization: I stayed at my job because I knew that when I got pregnant, this would not be “hard job” to manage with a family, I earn time off, I have good benefits, and It’s flexible somewhat. It would be easy to work while being pregnant and then would be suitable for raising a child and daycare schedules and managing family duties.
Then things became more and more difficult to get/stay pregnant. I have suffered through 3 m/c at this job (not because of this job) – and I was able to take as much time as I needed to deal with my body/mind. (Remember time earned- and understanding Supervisors) This was/is a huge blessing for me because I do not Love my job. It pays bills – I am here because it pays bills
I had some family hardship a few yrs ago and had to take ~ 3.5 month of my time earned to help out with that situation (not consecutively but roughly) basically – it wiped out 80% of my time earned left. That time is time I had set aside for my maternity leave – but Life happens and you have to deal. I am a planner. It sucked having to watch what I thought was going to be my maternity leave used for other family matters. Then I was bitter and thought I would never need it for maternity leave anyway. Taking that time was necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat – No regrets. (Just consequences)
I have also had to take leave for testings/treatments/procedures. My earned leave has not had much time to build itself back up from all of this activity. Over the past 2 yrs.
Once again, it seems my perfect plan that I had, did not work out the way I thought it would. It has worked out This way but not how I intended it – and I can’t do anything about that. I now feel like an extra pressure has been placed upon me. (or maybe it’s myself adding extra pressure on myself) because my earned leave time is pathetic. Coming to work has been very difficult, I won’t lie. There have been work things going on that just purely suck the ever loving life out of me and make me want to infect harm to some. This also makes it hard to come to work. I have stayed at my job thus far because it pays bills and has allowed me to take time off when needed, help finance our fertility treatments ..etc But I have always wanted to leave. (i should state i love my job, it's the agency that is the problem) I have a college education, it’s not like I can’t go apply elsewhere. But now, I am pregnant, and wanting to take time off- It’s not the best time/opportunity to go look for a new job. And with little leave, I can not take much time off (I have to save for the dr’s appointments/materunity leave – my work will not let me go on leave w/o pay w/o a few consequences) My husband and I have a nightly discussion about how I dislike my job, and it has only gotten worse the more weeks pass and I realize less weeks remain until my due date. (I will receive ~12 more paychecks before my due date- please know that we are not completely living paycheck to paycheck- it’s just a realization/time measurement tool for me)
I am the praying type and I have asked for some perspective and guidance in this area of my life now because, In the county that I live in only has ~3 available daycares – they are all ~$1000 a month. Only 1 is close to my house. It has a ~11 month waiting list. Which means If I sign up and pay my deposit now, I will get childcare in December 08 or Jan 09. I am having a hard time with this idea. I have to put a deposit on something NOW that will affect me in 11 months. It’s mind blowing. Even for a planner, That’s just so long to plan for many variables. (due date, maternity leave, husband job schedule, insert bad thoughts here, my work, our financial state, Do I really want Daycare?, how long will i take off, will i take off, what will be best for us, etc)
I have so many thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus and get real clarity and real thoughts that will be helpful. I keep going over the thought that I stayed in this job for convenience. I know I am not alone in that realization – But reading Alison’s post today – I realized I missed the boat on some things that I shouldn’t have. I do not really have regrets, Just realizations that I am working through .. Life will go on
Monday, July 16, 2007
First Off - THANK YOU so much for the wonderful birthday wishes. I had such a great time out to dinner 2 nights in a row. It's really been fantastic. On to more serious business:
Well many of you have asked: I pee on a stick Jul 20th. That is 14 dpo. (a day before my mothers bday) I should tell you that I am terrified beyond words. Seriously, I think I just found a new phobia - POASaphobia -
First off, I should mention that I am freaked out and completely tortured by those damn sticks. I really really, really despise them. It's like a very sick Chinese water torture device for me. They have been nothing but trouble for me. I do not understand how you women that pee on them regularly have the strength - I'm envious. I just can not bring myself to do that. If I am absolutely ordered by a dr - then I do it unwilling and usually crying. I have gotten 1 bfp is my lifetime (2002) from a stick only to go running to the DR office the very next day for the Dr to look at me like I have 2 or 3 heads. "Honey, your hcg lvl is a (insert insanely low number here), how many days ago was your period?" NEVER a good question especially if your last period was 2 months ago. I was exposed to this lil thing called chemical pregnancy and the word viable and ALOT of crap that comes along for the ride when you first learn that sex + positive pregnancy test does not always = healthy baby in 9 months. My next experience was "crap, I'm 3 weeks late, I should take a test (yea I was a slow learner with all of this ------ actually I wasn't a slow learner, as much as a slow acceptor) .... bfn, and lots more bfn's to follow. Then came alot of stress, weight and depression. Next, I was at work and I had missed my period, but at that point, what's the point on peeing on sticks, they are always negative and make AF slow up minutes upon peeing on them. I started bleeding REALLY bad and heavy and all over the place quite messy, my friend drove me to the ER (2005) and sure enough - another Chemical pregnancy - YES i was still young and completely foolish and at fault for not taking my health more seriously. I was still new and young and naive about all of the world of Infertility. I Should be ashamed of myself for admitting all of this, but I was under the impression that God knew what he was doing and I just had to trust more or have more faith or some how I made God mad at me.. yes once again .. young, foolish, stupid ... I have come ALONG way from that girl(even though its not that far back). Which brings us to present time and there you have it... I'm a COWARD.... I can not stand the thought of even seeing a pregnancy test. The mere thought of only seeing one line ...... It does something terrible to my soul (as many of you can relate). I was/am that person who would rather not know and still have hope, than to know and have no hope. This type of attitude has gotten me in bad situations (as you can tell from the above statements). Regardless, Dr's orders, I have to just DO IT. Many people are POAS-aholics, why do I always have to be difficult???? My father has always told me that I make things So much harder on myself than I should.. Is that a genetic trait..can I at least blame that on family genetics?? Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase ...Well, the day is approaching soon, and I ask that you pray, do a chicken dance, or whatever thing you do for strength. Because I desperately need it. I want to have the courage and strength to pull thru and pee on that stick. It's really embarrassing to admit that this is quite debilitating for me. (please do not think that I do not want to be pregnant - I do ..i really do- I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal)
Well many of you have asked: I pee on a stick Jul 20th. That is 14 dpo. (a day before my mothers bday) I should tell you that I am terrified beyond words. Seriously, I think I just found a new phobia - POASaphobia -
First off, I should mention that I am freaked out and completely tortured by those damn sticks. I really really, really despise them. It's like a very sick Chinese water torture device for me. They have been nothing but trouble for me. I do not understand how you women that pee on them regularly have the strength - I'm envious. I just can not bring myself to do that. If I am absolutely ordered by a dr - then I do it unwilling and usually crying. I have gotten 1 bfp is my lifetime (2002) from a stick only to go running to the DR office the very next day for the Dr to look at me like I have 2 or 3 heads. "Honey, your hcg lvl is a (insert insanely low number here), how many days ago was your period?" NEVER a good question especially if your last period was 2 months ago. I was exposed to this lil thing called chemical pregnancy and the word viable and ALOT of crap that comes along for the ride when you first learn that sex + positive pregnancy test does not always = healthy baby in 9 months. My next experience was "crap, I'm 3 weeks late, I should take a test (yea I was a slow learner with all of this ------ actually I wasn't a slow learner, as much as a slow acceptor) .... bfn, and lots more bfn's to follow. Then came alot of stress, weight and depression. Next, I was at work and I had missed my period, but at that point, what's the point on peeing on sticks, they are always negative and make AF slow up minutes upon peeing on them. I started bleeding REALLY bad and heavy and all over the place quite messy, my friend drove me to the ER (2005) and sure enough - another Chemical pregnancy - YES i was still young and completely foolish and at fault for not taking my health more seriously. I was still new and young and naive about all of the world of Infertility. I Should be ashamed of myself for admitting all of this, but I was under the impression that God knew what he was doing and I just had to trust more or have more faith or some how I made God mad at me.. yes once again .. young, foolish, stupid ... I have come ALONG way from that girl(even though its not that far back). Which brings us to present time and there you have it... I'm a COWARD.... I can not stand the thought of even seeing a pregnancy test. The mere thought of only seeing one line ...... It does something terrible to my soul (as many of you can relate). I was/am that person who would rather not know and still have hope, than to know and have no hope. This type of attitude has gotten me in bad situations (as you can tell from the above statements). Regardless, Dr's orders, I have to just DO IT. Many people are POAS-aholics, why do I always have to be difficult???? My father has always told me that I make things So much harder on myself than I should.. Is that a genetic trait..can I at least blame that on family genetics?? Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase ...Well, the day is approaching soon, and I ask that you pray, do a chicken dance, or whatever thing you do for strength. Because I desperately need it. I want to have the courage and strength to pull thru and pee on that stick. It's really embarrassing to admit that this is quite debilitating for me. (please do not think that I do not want to be pregnant - I do ..i really do- I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal)
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