My Take

My take ,so far, on Parenting After going through Fertility Treatments* -
I have been asked a few times about this this week. By blog comments, emails, real life friends and a girl I ran into at a playgroup.

The Magic Moment of holding that precious body that you have yearned for is indescribable. I do not think there are words in the English language for this feeling. I know that for me - It affected all of my senses.

What I recognize most from myself is that I do tend to think very much of "in the moment" experiences. I am very aware that I am not going to get that moment back. I do savor it. Even the rough days. I find myself stating the obvious. "He's going to be older in a minute".

Early on, I stressed about being the Perfect parent. Doing everything the right way. Because I was sure there was a right way. All the books, Dr's, therapists, parents say there is. I mean, I have been an armchair parent before. ( you know - watching others parent and swearing to never make THAT mistake if given the chance to parent. I mean GEEZ it's Obvious) Never taking into consideration that Not all children are the same. Not all families are the same. Not all situations are the same ... There are choices for a reason.

Do I think infertility had a part in my decision to quit my job and mostly staying at home. Yes and No. Yes, I would be lying if I didn't admit to thinking and saying "What If this is my only chance at motherhood?" It weighed in equally with "What type of Mother do I want to be?". I allowed myself to think long term for once. Going through treatments, I never thought long term. I thought in cycles, periods, seasons. How would my job, long term, help our family. Provide for us. How does daycare play into the equation? .. I am sure that many of these thoughts are shared with the fertiles of the world also.

Learning to go with the Flow. Learning the temperament of MT. We are still learning to live with each other, Learning to speak each other's languages. Learning Patience's from each other. Learning how to be a family of 3. Learning how to be a Wife and a Mother and a part time employee. Learning to share him with my parents/relatives. There are growing pains. So far, the only thing that remains constant in my life is that fact that things are going to change. I wasn't that great with change to begin with. Change and I are learning to co-exist and adapt.

Socializing. This is very hard for me. I am still awkward in my role. I am getting more comfortable but still have a hard time figuring out how to balance. So far I have found it difficult to have a meaningful conversation with another mom on certain topics. The sleeping, napping, eating, milestone topics. Uhm which basically sum up all New moms like to discuss. I haven't watched a full episode of anything lately - SO I am behind on my all celebrity/reality show junk. Plus, at playgroups, I am making sure my child only eats a few bugs, very little leaves and received minor bruising from all his attempts/determination to balance on 2 legs. With his super human speed and strength, I need a Hawk Eye and about 4 more arms. I have very little brain power to listen AND respond properly while trying to predict my 9.5 month olds next move. Thank God for my dose of Ellen every day to help keep me in touch with the outside world. And the Soup.

It also seems that every person I meet wants to know when the next one is coming. "oh don't you just want another?" I have no idea how to answer this question. It's such a loaded question. I overheard a discussion the other day at the park. This woman and her husband want a baby by March 2010. She was carrying a 4-6 month old, chasing after a 2 ish yr old. I looked at my husband and quietly said, Wouldn't you love to open your datebook and declare such things? To me, to be able to actually have sex with my husband, on purpose, with a sole intention of having another baby in 9 months sounds fictional. You know, Pick the month*ish that you wanted to deliver. Sounds like Super powers to me. But, there are people out there that PLAN this. and Achieve this. It was said to me, Well that's just what Stay at home Mom's do. That is kind of like their job. I guess there is a point. That just seems so foreign. Cannot.Compute. Therefore, I tend to get a lil awkward with this topic.

I went to a new playgroup for the first time this week and ran into a Girl that I met a few times at our local resolve chapter. I also ran into her at my RE's office while I was undergoing IUI#2 . (the one that resulted in my pregnancy with MT). Basically, she outed me. I was very uncomfortable/embarrassed for a good few minutes. There was silence in the group. We were in a pretty large group of moms that I have never met before. I mean, I don't like labels. But labeling/stereotyping exists and I am hoping that no one will remember .. Or maybe they will ...

So parenting after ferti. It is a contact sport. It is what you make of it. It's not what I thought it would be. It's better and worse. It's the grey area. It's awesome and overwhelming. It's not the same for everyone, yet there can be similarities. We all do not want the same thing. Tolerance is a good balancing act. And In a perfect world I would get to experience it with another child or two.

*I say after fertility treatments, Because Technically I still feel infertile.

Bittersweet Symphony

keeps playing over and over in my head.

But on a positive spin on it, I Can change, I can change, I Can Change, I can change ... I have changed

I called my boss this morning after visiting the last available daycare option and I told her that I will be in tomorrow with my resignation letter.

I have checked out both home daycares and daycare centers in my area. Well, I have checked out those that would be available to us right now. I was just not able to find any that are right for us. Maybe it's me. They couldn't have all been bad. I am sure it's mostly me. I will be ok with that.

Right now, I am just numb. Now, I need to start focusing on finding that part time job.

During trying to find a daycare that I am ok with, I was having to question everything and analyze (over analyze) our situation and what would work best for everyone involved.

I have never actually blogged about a situation that we have been dealing with. Feeding. (all food/feeding MT talk from here)

I mean it started right after birth - we had some feeding issues. He was labeled the "lazy" eater. It would take him FOR EV ER to eat 1 oz. I never thought we would get 3 oz in him. Then eventually, things started working themselves out. Then we got a hang of breast feeding, and so on. We were up to drinking 7-8oz every 2.5-3 hours around 4 -5.5 months old. I have never gotten him to go longer than 3.5 hours w/o needed to eat again. So I started him with solids. We never have had any success with cereals. He still will not eat them at all. So we moved on to other things. I made Sweet Potatoes, banana, green beans and Apples ..these were successful. I tired carrots. green beans, sweet potatoes out of hte jars and he would not eat them. I tried many out of jars. He never would eat it. I tried having other people feed him, He wouldn't eat it. I have tried several brands and varieties multiple times out of jars, he will not eat it. (except the apples/blueberries) So I just make it. We have added broccoli, waffles, yogurt, pureed chicken, pureed vegetable soup. All with success. (when I say he refuses to eat jarred food, he gaged, makes awful upchucking noises and cries)

Ok so your thinking what's the problem right. THe problem that I realized is that no matter how many oz's h e drinks out of a bottle it takes me 45 mins to get him to drink the bottle. But we have a compound issue. About 4 weeks ago, he stopped wanting to breastfeed. (i have mentioned this) I actually can't really remember that actual date except I realized a few days later that I had not breastfed at all in a few days. So I am guessing it's been about 3-4 weeks now. I have also actually stopped pumping. It's been 4 days w.o having to pump.

We were adding breast milk in with his bottle because he would drink the bottle much better with breast milk in it.. even if there was only 1 oz of breastmilk. He knew the difference. I thought we weaned him on that slowly .. Over 4 weeks ish. Well, It's been almost 1 week on complete formula. His drinking has progressively gotten worse. I was only getting about 16-20 oz in him a month ago (plus 1-2 times of bfing), Now I am down to getting maybe 12 oz in him if I am lucky. (and no bfing) Not only am I getting only 2-3.5oz of formula 4 times a day, It takes me 45 mins to get those 2-3.5 oz in him. He will push the bottle away, refuse to drink it and get down right feisty about it. He is thirsty/hungry, but refuses to eat it. I assume it's because there is no BM in it.

So recap - it takes me 45 mins to get 2-3.5 oz in him every bottle feeding. Then about 20min to get the solids done. That is alot of time for one person with 1 child 3 times a day. I am unsure how a daycare could manage this with multiple kids with needs. It seems unfair to him but also to the other children

He is still using a lvl 1 nipple, So I recently tried a lvl 2 nipple ... There was warfare. He choked, gaged, spit out the bottle and cried so hard that I had to go back to the lvl 1 in order to get anything in him. I have tried the lvl 2 nipple a few more times and he still refuses. So today, We are going to his dr to see if he has lost any weight since his appointment a few weeks ago. We are going to maybe discuss switching formulas? She wants to check his teeth/nose/ears to see if anything is going on in there. SO ... yeah, This is where we are at today. My head is just spinning

Brain Ache

I feel like I am in the middle of a lobotomy. I have posts that I have written but just cannot bring myself to publish. I never do that. I have always hit publish right after I type a post (yes with many grammatical errors, typos and misspelled words) because Mostly, It frees me. It’s my space, my thoughts and they are allowed to be messy and imperfect. But right now, I am just bone tired and scared. I have had a migraine for 3 days. Of course, Af showed up, and is honestly the worst one thus far. Timing huh. Normally, I like to talk, vent, or discuss my way through my problems, dilemmas, and situations. But right now, I am finding comfort in hiding, withdrawing and contemplating just by myself.

Thank you so much for the input on what I should be looking for in a daycare and questions to ask. I just wanted other feedback to make sure that I do not miss anything that is obvious to others but blank to me. I am numb and recognize that I need assistance. We have scheduled to meet with 2 at home daycares. One is tonight and one is Thursday night. I feel like, right now that we are going to go with a home daycare because the big fancy places charge too much for my economic status. If we feel that the home daycares do not suit our needs, we will re-evaluate Thursday night.

My problem, I am very much a literal person. I think and understand in a very black and white manner. This = this. I am a Cause and Effect type of person. If I could change one thing about me, this would be it. I wish so badly that I could be the Dharma. It’s very much like the Dharma from this show. I want so badly to have her personality traits. My sister, She is Dharma.

The tangent meaning that I know that I have to work. I just cannot not have a job. It doesn’t have to be my current job. But, I have been unable to find a new job that is conducive to our family’s needs so far. We have bills, We could get by for a few months w/o me working. Maybe even the rest of the year. There would be compromises, there are already compromises. Things are tight, Things would get more tight. I have a job now. It pays our bills. It could help us secure our future a bit more. Regardless of my current job, the next job I find, I may still need some type of daycare for that one too. The Dharma part of my brain just wants to quit and walk away now because I don’t plan on staying, but the literal part of my brain tells me to collect a paycheck for a month, Give daycare a try, look for a new job while making money. Look for a new job while making money! Is the big thing that keeps playing over and over in my head. I have been told that it is easier to get a job when you have a job. That thought has been ingrained into my mind. I don’t know if that is true or not, but these are the thoughts that play on repeat over and over in my brain. It could be more myths of life that as I get older I realize do not hold water. One that stands true is, Money is necessary.

There are my thoughts, messy, all over the place, but open and willing to try new to make life better for us as a family. I do not know how it will all pan out. We may find that it just does not work for us, and at that time, We will revisit and re-group. But it will not hurt (that much) to try. Thursday night, I may have different thoughts on the whole topic! I won’t know, If I don’t try.

More blog participation

Calling all Internets and helpful resources:

If you were interviewing a home daycare - What are the questions you would ask? What would you be concerned with about the house?
What would be your pro/cons/concerns for daycare facilities vs licensed home daycares?

I have the basic questions but do not want to overlook something because this is new terrain for us. I know many of you have already done this. That's why blogging is a huge resource .... Please help

Some things are only learned from the depths

*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand

You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.

I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.

I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.

You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..

I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.

I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.

I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...

So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....

rambles and requesting comment participation

• Fa.ceboo.k is addicting ... Don't start it ... you can spend hours you do not have on it. OOhhhhhh but it is very fun. I just signed up last night.
• I have about 4 unpublished posts in my que. They aren't published because I just can not figure out the right words for them. This is the first time I have ever not just wrote and hit publish ... Something is holding me back and I don't know what it is.
• MT is growing and changing by the second. Yesterday, he took a 3 hour nap in the swing. I managed to get so much accomplished. I was not rushed at all. It felt nice.
• We should be giving him cereal tomorrow. I have been holding out because I wanted to make sure we were all ready for this change. I have paid more attention to the signs and he really does move his mouth, tongue and lips when someone is holding him and they are eating. I do believe he is ready now.

Now here is a participation question. Everyone, please chime in... Hypothetically speaking - ahem.... clears throat ..

Your spouse only works ~3 days of the week. You work 5 days of the week in a different county that takes about 35-50 mins to get to (each way) in loads of traffic. You cannot find a public daycare facility that will allow part time daycare. You will have to pay full time day care in the county in which you live in even though you do not need full time daycare. Paying daycare will be alittle more than 70% of your take home pay for the next 6 months. After those first 6 months it will go down to alittle over 50% of your take home salary (unless they raise prices which will likely happen). You will only see your child for maybe 3/4 waking hours a day during the week. Which will include breakfast (while you are getting ready for work), bath, dinner, bedtime. You have thought about private daycare but have hesitations about having a stranger from a at home daycare provide their services. And do not personally know anyone offering private care. All this for doing a job that you do not love. A job that you think you may leave in the next 2 years. A job that you are afraid to give up only because of the fear of the economic state the US is in right now because you should feel grateful you even have a job when others do not. You realize that you can make ends meet with a part time job, see your child more for quality time and never need daycare. Yes there will be sacrifices, you will not have the financial comforts that you once had but there are always sacrifices to make. You do not have the financial comforts that you had a few years ago either because of this despressing economy. Discuss. If you were in this hypothetical situation, what would your questions be, how would you handle this, Be fair and honest .... Comment

These are the Days of Our Live ..

The sore throat/achy feeling is back, But I am at work for now.. this is not a good feeling ...

(pre-paring for baby talk) skip to the blue to avoid most of it

Daycare was not that bad- we only have 5 in our area for options. I already narrowed it down to 2 – we went, we visited and we picked. It seems very odd to be discussion daycare needs for an unborn child. I am not comfortable with that scenario at all. But I did want I had to because there are waiting lists … yes our unborn baby is holding a spot for Dec. 08. I am not sure how thrilled I am about that idea at ALL. The daycare we picked is close to our house, and it was the best option for us for now. We put down our non-refundable deposit. I have to say that after delivering this check, I got in the car and cried. Yes the daycare was great, but it just didn’t seem right. E or I have never been in daycare. SO this is all new for us. I am SURE that there is absolutely nothing wrong with day cares. We just wouldn’t know. His aunt and grandmother watched him. My mom was a SAHM after I was born until my sister started kindergarten. Even then, she only was a part time special-education teacher and did not go back full time teaching until my sister was in 4th grade. So she was home with us in the afternoons and every summer. I am glad that we do have options. Don’t get me wrong, But if I end up losing the deposit, it won’t be any sweat off my back …

As for my rings, I guess I should take them off. They are not painful nor stuck – but I do not want that to happen and have to have it cut off or something like I have seen or read about

After the daycare experience – we went to Ba.bi.es are them and finished up our registry for now. And I got a baby bag.(look here - it ataches to the stroller too) I am waiting for the bedding to come in. When we see the bedding, we will pick out a crib, changing table and any other pieces of furniture we possible will need. I have been surfing through Cr.ai.gsli.st. People put baby products on there for free or really inexpensive!! I found a free swing where my parents live ( a few miles up the road), I sent my dad went to pick it up this morning, but it wasn’t where the person told me it would be – so I don’t know what happened there – but no one is out money - I will ask my dad to drive by this afternoon again.

On the SMil stroller/car seat front– she emailed me again and invited us to E’s fathers and her house(s) with pictures. I told E, I really feel weird about that – I would love to take Mini up there but I would feel WAY more comfortable for the first meeting to be not at their house. E’s aunt has taken E under her wing and has a house there and that is where we normally stay. I would feel more comfortable planning on staying at Aunts’ house until I have a chance to actually meet E’s Father.SMil. It just seems weird and I am leery of weirdness – plus with a new baby and knowing how much “stuff” is required, and the fact that his SMil and Father have never spoken to me since the night they told E getting married (to anyone) at his young age (of 26) was the biggest mistake of his life. It wasn’t about me – it was about marriage- That was the night I wish I could do over again – ya know, I assume other people have those. It is not my proudest moment. I was tired of the SMil being so opinionated and rude to a person that she was jealous over in the first place. (E is his dad’s only child and SMIL was highly jealous of the way E’s father felt towards E – she resented it and found a way to spoil/manipulate situations. E needed money for college books, tuition. Rent, you name it, They wouldn’t send him money or pay the bills- they would tell him to get a better or more jobs) but they would offer to send him plane tickets or an x.b.ox or new clothes. But never money to help pay bills. (these are just a few scenarios) So since that monumental night, these are the first time we have ever communicated. I am glad it’s through emails, but still feel’s weird. I know it is all water under a bridge or I assume it is, I am fine forgetting and all that but it just feels uncomfortable.

She asked if they could wait to get the stroller until closer to my due date and then ship it down here unless I saw reason for it to be bought sooner. I haven’t responded yet. But I don’t really care how she does it, I mean they are buying a gift they can send it whenever they want to. I won’t need the stroller really until after Min is here – I will need the car seat before we go to the hospital – I assume she knows that – but we have PLENTY of time. I told eric to email her back - but he said for me to keep up the "good work" argggg......

Never a dull moment around here …

22 weeks ... 18 to go

Someone asked where I got the graphics; the "it's a boy" can be found at ph.oto.bu.cket. I am sure you can find a pink one, The lil person avatar came from y.ahoo.

Here is a pic at 22 weeks - i cropped my head out because my hair looked awful - I meant to take a picture before I laid down ... fell asleep and woke up and it was too late - but here's the belly. I am still so proud that all of the books state that a weight again up to 15 lbs is acceptable. I am still holding at those 6 lbs - but those 6 lbs are really just 6 lbs of the 15 lbs i originally lost from the first trimester - so technically I am still down 9 lbs from my pre-preg weight. And we know from last week Mini is 16 ounces - there is one of those 6 lbs.... Yes I am justifying all of this ;) Mini is the size of a spaghetti squash!! (8-11 inch) so cool. 3 books and a website suggest that rings come off n ow - anyone else do this?

My SMil- emailed me back from my email on Friday - her and E's father want to buy mini the car seat/stroller. It is overwhelming being that she picked the absolutely most expensive things on my registry. (I did not do this on purpose - the items she picked have been on my list since the very beginning) This weekend, not knowing what they had in mind, I was trying to find a more affordable set that I liked but E says not to worry about it, let them buy that one. So there you have it. I emailed her back last night and told her that we were thankful of their generosity and that we appreciate their gifts. So now we just see I guess.

I thought I was getting sick - in fact I am at home today sure I had a sore throat, apparently - it was just allergies and thirst ... *how old am I that I can't tell the difference??

Well since I am home and E is home, i called a daycare center. I managed to dial the number and ask for a tour of their facility. We will be on our way as soon as I get E moving .... I am so nervous, I held out on this off as long as possible - but If I planning on going back to my current job (which I have not fully decide) We need to go get on a waiting list .... They have a waiting list until Jan 09! as of now. So .. Happy 22 weeks, I will be celebrating part of that in a daycare .....Oh do I have mixed feelings about this.?!

If you believe in a higher power - could you please say a prayer for my mother - she has had a rough past 2 yrs and we all thought things were getting better - but this weekend things didn't go so well and we are just a little concerned. To put it generally, She has anxiety attacks and gets overwhelmed.