6 months

Little Late but .. Have I mentioned that I have a 6 month old ... Where does the time go?

Things note worthy:

• MT thoroughly enjoys standing. He likes to hold onto your fingers, or his bouncy chair, etc and rock from foot to foot (side to side). He could do this for hours. He gets weary but insists on still trying.
• We had a bedtime routine down. A week before I went back to work, He decided he would demand a new bedtime routine that resembles chaos ... Just to keep us guessing. I was told that from 4-6 months they can develop a new sleep routine .... I guess we are one of those statistics? But We will make it work. It's not that terrible, So far once we get him to sleep, he will sleep for about 7-10 hours .. So I am not complaining at all. It just was one more thing that I was not expecting.
• He can fully sit on his own and pull himself up on things.
• He rocks the exersaucer back and forth until it looks like it is totally going to tip over ...
• He is finally eating solids pretty much every day. This still seems very complicated to me. I am still trying to figure out when is best to feed him the solids and still get the amount of liquid intake. I don't know why this is so tricky for me. (still no cereal, he hates it and just spits it all out ..every bite, Even if I mix something that he likes in it)
• The MT that was holding his bottle pretty much all the time a few months ago, has decided that I should hold all his bottles. Unless he wants to use it as a chew toy
• We have days were I can just lay him down for a nap and he will just close his eyes and go to sleep. Then I have days that require alot of tears before sleeping is involved. Since MT was little, we would place a blanket over him while holding him. Like one may do if they are breastfeeding. Well, this is something that he has grown accustom to. He sleeps with a blanket covering his head. In fact, If i want him to take a nap , I have to place a blanket over his head and most days, he instantly closes his eyes. (please - no stories and don't judge me and yes I understand) I do get lots of disapproving looks and comments but Sleep is needed and sleep we will get.
• He has quite the temper. He will let you know about it. Loudly. I am actually worried about this trait as he gets older. I will mostly deal with this situation when we are able to understand each other.
• He is pretty demanding. Maybe all babies are. He hates tummy time still. I can maybe muster up 5 mins here and there but only If I am (or someone else) is down on the floor with him. If not you will get to see his temper in all it's glory. If he decides he just wants to be held, Nothing else will do. Until You can distract him with something else. Am I learning him or Is he learning me ... ?!? Then, we have days like today where he never cried at all, except refusing to go to sleep tonight.
• He is reaching for people when/if he wants to be held and held by a particular person.He started doing this a few weeks ago
• I beleive he is getting his top tooth already. He already has 2 bottom ones, but it looks like the top tooth is busting through. He is drooling like a flowing fountain
• His hair is a weird two tone color. It has seemed to lighten up on top. Sometimes is looks blonde, other times it looks reddish still. The back is still like a reddish brown ... Weird. But it is hair and we will take it. His long beautiful eyelashes are red though ... So who knows what will happen
• He knows when to ham it up already. He loves to coo and jabber when being the center of attention. And he actually seems to know when he is the center of attention ...It's bizarre.
• He has started getting spooked by strangers. Which i still do not understand why strangers try to get up in babies spaces ... But he has freaked out on a few ... Hope they learned their lesson ;)
• He loves pirate voices, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh Matey.
• It seems like things are easier now. It seems that most days go by smoothly and more things get accomplished. Controlled chaos comes to mind.

I am sure I forgot things that I meant to document. *i may come back and add to the list just for longevity. Life here is good .. regardless of all the frustrating anxiety driven posts. We are enjoying life more than ever. My MIL came over today with her youngest kids and we went to a winter festival. It was actually one of the better visits we have ever had. It was only for a day and they left after we were all done. I consider that a win/win.

Just Words

I left work Tuesday and I was just relieved … It was a rough day. Not for reasons that you would think.

My well meaning co-workers, who I assume, were just trying to make small talk offered their unsolicited opinions about my decision to ask for a p/t work load temporarily.

I decided earlier that day that I was going to be candid with those that asked. I did this in hopes to escape the nasty rumor mill we have a work. (which is incredibly awful at my job) I explained that I asked our boss for a p/t schedule as long she could extend the opportunity to me. I explained that I knew that in the past p/t has not been an opportunity and I understand if p/t was still not an option, but I figured it would not hurt anything to ask. If I am allowed to go to p/t, it will not negatively affect any of my co-workers current assignments what so ever. It will allow my family to determine our financial needs in a real and practical sense. The Paper attempt only goes so far .. if ya know what I mean .. Real life never looks like the paper addition.

I listened to their take on the situation. I tried not to get emotional. I did pretty well taking jabs about my hormone levels being heightened, listening to statements that I made about myself pre-baby, choices as a parent that I have adjusted to and accept, and the state of the economy. Most things that E and I have discussed at length. Then there was the comparison of how opposed to bf-ing I was and how I have managed to adjust to that just fine if not better ….. I should give daycare the same chance as I gave bf-ing. I was told that it’s of the same mindset and those beginning feelings of uncertainty go away over time if that muscle is exercised. I was explained that the feeling of guilt goes away and that children benefit from daycare. And I can try to understand that as much as I can understand. I have to say though; I was slightly offended by the statement because It was such an in your face statement. It was meant to sting a little. It was said in a manner that led me to beleive that it was more of an attack towards me. Phrased in a way that stated, We did you, You can to if you stop being a big wimp about it. That is how I felt about it .. I could be wrong though. I know that I have changed my views leaps and bounds over the past few months. It seems that every day, I continue to write about how I am haunted by many of my past hurts and statements. Well, they just keep coming and coming. I am faced with these over and over again … Consequences of my own actions, I know that … I am not/was not prepared for this part of motherhood in the least bit. I lasted as long as I could and then I just started crying. I tried to explain that the daycare issue was not just that I think MT is too little for daycare. (which i need to clarify as being too young - because i keep getting told that he is not at all a little baby) I am unsure that his personality/needs would thrive in certain environments right now. (but that is another post) It also has to do with our finances. We are calculating working and paying for daycare. As anything in my life, the means have to justify the ends. Will my salary provide our family a better future? Is it all about the bucks? No, Is it all about daycare? No, It’s a complex.situation ..I feel like I am beating a dead horse on this blog topic really..but my heart/mind is plagued.

So, needless to say that after I left work, I was just exhausted. I mean I missed being at home with MT, but I don’t seem to have a problem leaving as long as I am fully confident in his Caretakers ability. I called E as soon as I got in the car. He just tends to makes things all better. He calmed some fear that was placed on me ( I allow this to happen to me over and over). Talked me down off the ladder of despair I was on. He just balances me.
On the drive home I thought about the past year. As 2008 comes to a close, I always try to relate a word with the year. This year the word seems to be Transition … I have gone from TTC for years, to Pregnant, to a mother. Talk about having to deal with a boat load of feelings/issues in a relatively small amount of time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, and was undergoing treatment, but then Bam, One day everything changes. I was injecting med’s to assist folly growth, then Overnight, I became pregnant. No I am not complaining – Of course I was hoping to achieve pregnancy some day, But I did not allow myself to consider that eventually I would actually be pregnant. Then I had 10 months to adjust to pregnancy. But what I discovered in those 10 months is that most of that time is pressed to prepare for what comes after the pregnancy. So I felt like I was trying to adjust to pregnancy but being hurried to plan for motherhood .. I understand they are usually directly related …. But I didn’t directly relate them much. Then one morning I woke up and found out that I was going to deliver a baby. Then I delivered said baby and now I am here. In this place where I am now called a Mother ..It’s very daunting to try and sort through all of this in a very limited time frame. I am sure it is done with ease by many..but I guess I am just slow ..So, Here I am trying to sort through all of what has become …. Do you have a word that you will associate 2008 with?

All this

inspired by a question from another blogger :
"And so this is a very personal question but I wonder how faith has informed your journey -- if it has."

This post was going to be a comment as a question asked from another blogger's post. Then I decided I should just share it on my blog because I have actually never really written about this touchy/taboo/forbidden topic

I was raised Me.tho.dist with a ba.ptist mother and a met.hodist father who met at a metho.dist college.
Somewhere between the age of 4-6 as a child growing up going to sunday school, I asked my mother if the nursery rhyme about Mary having a little lamb was about Jesus because of stories I was told at sunday school and the experience of going to a public elementary school where religion was not discussed.

In Junior High, church was more about my socialization than anything. There were people there that I liked hanging out with and my parents didn't ever mind taking me to any church event. So, It was a win win situation.. Middle School Years were very hard for me. It was such an awkward stage of growing up .. and the friends I met at church made it easier to deal with every day life ... It's actually amazing that Most of my friends from Middle School Years still keep in touch one way or another

In High School, I began questioning some of the teachings and lessons learned at our youth church. I was not a complete rebellion, but I did tend to ask alot of questions. I just won't take the "because it says so, or I said so" or Everyone has to believe it route. I investigated on my own. I needed to understand the beliefs before I could believe in them .. And not simply believe because everyone else did. I guess I would be what is considered a skeptic? I was not out right defiant about it. This personality trait did not make me well liked among the leaders but that also was ok with me because I was not creating their Faith and Values, I was creating mine.

In College, I went to many many different organizations and groups just to see what was out there. I ended up finding a group that I spent a few yrs going to. They are funded by the Asse.mbly of Go.d demon.ination. (something I was not familiar with) But the People were really nice and open and I enjoyed their meetings. I actually met E there. (Which is also so strange because E was raised in a Ca.tholic home - even attending Cath.olic schools) . Again, I still did not believe in everything the organization believed in.

My views tend to be many different shades and not all about either black or white all the time.

E and I got married in my church from childhood. It was actually the biggest controversial thing in his family. His father refused to go to his only child's wedding because he didn't think E should marry for one ... another reason being I was not cath.olic. E's mother was married to E's father, but only because she got pregnant at 16 and both were catholic. I am not really sure of the whole reasoning but E says it has something to do with babies needing the spiritual atonement when they come down the birth canal ... E's parents were married for like 10 months, then they divorced. E's mother has since remarried many times but could never be married in the church's eyes again because she annulled her first marriage to E's father then Remarried and divorced him also .... Tangent .. sorry .. all this to say that E's mother was all worried that our marriage would not be legal in the eyes of god because it was not done a ta catholic church. We assured her that the State of Fl would recognize it.

After Marriage, we did alot of church hopping. Mostly because I have this inability to find what I am looking for I guess. I have certain standards/criteria that need to be met. I don't know why really ...

Then a few yrs of TTC did me in with my views and beliefs. I was no longer a believer of some of the same things I used to value. Basically, alot of my personal beliefs were being challenged and I hated it. So I stopped attending churches altogether. I felt like it was pretty pointless. I think it would be fair to say that there were ups and downs with my faith over the past 6+ yrs. But one thing that TTC did have me discover was eastern religions. Breathing, techniques, yoga, acupuncture, herbs, unconventional ways of thinking. Which I really have enjoyed learning about

I also believe me achieving pregnancy has had a positive impact on my values and beliefs and has allowed some healing in unconventional ways. I am not sure I would have been able to understand or get through different situations in the past year w/o the experiences I lacked before strurglling through my TTC years. Eat, Pray, Love and The Shack played a huge part in these healings also. These books (and a few others along with all of your blogs) have allowed me to examine myself and encourage me in so many ways. I have been encouraged to be myself and enjoy the present. I am inspired to learn and understand my surroundings and my beliefs much more than ever before.

Wait and See

My first day of work was more successful than I imagined. I could not have dreamt up a better first day back actually ..

I got up, showered, pumped and left for work ..... Had a talk with my boss about MT's upcoming surgery, no daycare, and wanting to work part time on the days that E has off ... She was receptive and open. I have the go ahead to work p/t on E's days off until the end of the year. This will get us to the other side of MT's surgery and on the track to finish getting him vaccinated. She is going to talk with her boss about seeing how far into next year I can work part time (i am hoping for March- dreaming for June). All of this will buy me more time to see if working is going to be good for us and if so, allowing me to find the right care for MT ....

Really, In my mind, It doesn't get any better than that .. She didn't say no, she was receptive and understanding ... She is giving me an opportunity that I am very grateful for ... I could not ask for more .... We will see how this pans out. I am cautiously hopeful ...

Work itself was slow and boring ... Reading new policies, checking voice mail and email ... Getting re-acquainted with all the office staff and equipment..... It really wasn't bad. I attribute that to knowing that MT was under E's care and I was not at all worried about either of them. I drove home thinking that the drove was too long. I went into work much later than I would have liked to .. I tried to wait for MT to wake up and now we know that I just need to pump in the mornings and leave instead of waiting around... I want to get home before 6:45 like I did tonight ... I walked into the "witching hour", MT just wanting to nurse and nurse and nurse .. Me, trying to cook dinner and get him a bath ... So we know that I definately need to get to work much earlier in order to not come home into all that again ..... Here's to hoping I make it in much earlier tomorrow .... The problem with that is I am not sleepy yet ans the alarm will go off WAY too early .. I have been a bit spoiled .....

On a different note:

MT went to see Santa Last week .... He did well .. the picture isn't the best, but Here it is .. His First Santa ..






He had just woken up from a nap so he has the sleepy face, but It's better than screaming.

Well, I better get to bed, work comes early ... Oh one bad thing about going back to work .... They blocked Google Reader and Gmail ... What will I ever do? It's like they except me to work or something.

Show and Tell #4 Young Love

We had just started dating. I love him more now than I thought was possible. I only hope to say that in another 9 yrs.

Some things are only learned from the depths

*If you are not pregnant and still in the throes of IF, you may want to skip this post for another day. I do think it's worth the read ..but just wait until you are in a better place ... Because If i was to have read this post a year go, I might have wanted to throw a finger up at the computer screen or just roll my eyes ... and i completely understand

You know by now, I am not very poetic. I am not extremely puny, witty or a literary genius. I wish .. I read so many post and I am just desperate to have an ounce of the creativity you guys have .... What I do have is the ability to over share and be quite blunt.

I keep hearing about this recession we are having and how the economy is in a bad way and all these things. People losing houses, jobs, etc... And here I am .... Having to care for the baby we always wanted in this sinking economy. I keep hearing myself think things like "It's the best of times, It's the worst of times ...." from that book ... Because for me, It is the best of times in what may look like heading towards the worst of times. We have made it 5 months+ ..which means I will soon have a 6 month old. Which means my Maternity leave is almost up (and we have managed to stay on course with our measely budget and salary) ... I swear time has flown by. Some days have felt like they were 40 hours, but other days I blinked and it was over too quick. I am writing this post as a brain dump as I approach the emd of my maternity leave. I am supposed to go back to work Monday ... As in 4 days.

I have talked about the evolution of me before ... And I have mentioned in many past posts about how all I seem to do these days are eat my words, evolve, feed, nap, change diapers, and try harder next time. ... I feel like these past 6 months have only been more changes and evolutions of more of me's in ways that I never had imagined possible.

You know that annoying commercial that says having a baby changes everything? I hated that commercial .. It's so trite. But now, I think, that commercial is sooooo misunderstood and so lacking. I mean, I knew before hand that having a baby changes everything. That part isn't rocket science. I appreciate the attempt of what the commercial is trying to portray. But, Honestly, I do not think that there is any other way to learn about these changes that the commercial is referring to except by having to live through them. There are SO many things that I was not considering at all. (and let it be known that I so do not think a commercial(or anything) could even begun to explain any of the amount of change that has happened to me in the past 6 months.) I don't want to bore anyone with the details today ... But I will say that about 1% of my maternity leave has gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing. It just goes to show me that I have done totally different things than I had imagined I would be doing. It also shows me that I am learning, evolving, experiencing and opening up my options more. I am branching out. Trying new things, finding my niche per say. Which is another part of what Infertility and blogging has allowed me to do with myself. And it's be so much fun .. then there are times of not so much fun ..

I have read on so many blogs this week from my pregnant comrades about the economy, daycare, jobs, diapers, formula, all this amount of baby loot, having to make huge decisions and having to make them RIGHT NOW .... and I just want to encourage you .. You can do this ... Whatever your "this" is .. You can and will make it.. You will find ways to pull ideas together and make "it" happen. Yes raising a baby is expensive, Yes you will need some things ... but honestly you will start to realize that Things are just things ....... marketing and people try to think you NEED THEM OR ELSE ... It's so overwhelming and so not right to have to make so many decisions with 109,880 Million hormones running through your system .... It's Tough for you ... trust me... I know it is ... I understand your burdens. I understand your number crunching, I understand your inability to get a budget to balance .. I understand you inablitlity to see where the money will come and where the savings with happen. I was amazed at the money we had but did not need to spend while on maternity leave. I encourage you to know that, It Will work... Because, It just does...And because, you have choices ... Choices that you do not even know about yet.

I say all of this because when I went out on Maternity Leave ... I had it all nicely planned out .. Daycare, Return date, budget, Work Schedule ..... and Here we are 4 days left and I have nary remnants of what I had decided and planned out back then. I wish I could say that all things are squared away just like we planned ... but Like my life tends to be ... I have gone and made it a little more "exciting" or complicated or messy. You choose the wording. The situation: ... I received a call stating that I had until a certain day to pay for our daycare spot. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. You know the daycare I picked out in February. ... I put my unborn childs name on the waiting list ... that daycare. A week ago ... Hell, It's been over a month now that I have cried over "what to do". I have cried over the decisions, I prayed, I talked it out w/E, I have lost loads of sleep, caused anxiety .. You name it. And Still, I do not have a concrete decision made. The circumstances and limitations of using that daycare facility would not enabled me to be the parent I have become over the past almost 6 months. The parent that I want to continue to be. The parent that the pre-baby me did not think was an option. There are unthinkable options, things change, Ideas develop, Situations arise, Life Changes, Priorities change, The future holds change ... Things can be done differently. It may not look like a US Sitcom, but it can be done. I have some idea of what I would like to happen next week ... But most importantly, I know what I am willing to do for my family Now and it looks and sounds VERY different than what I thought would be the right choice for our family months ago. I know understand so many things that I just could not understand when I was seeking treatment and prior. It's all about sacrifices and what you want to do in life. That is not the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be, We are allowed choices.

I could use your good thoughts and prayers if you wish .... This may scare some of you who are in the decision process now but I am hoping not.. I hope it allows you to take some pressure off yourself. Relax and enjoy where you are, and think unconventionally. We all know we are survivors ... We will do whatever it takes to get a job done .. Even if it means unconventional means ... It is ok to think outside the box ..It is ok to not do it the way you thought it would be done ... It;s ok to be yourself and not do things hte way everyone thinks it needs to be done. Have faith in yourselves .. We have a huge community of support ...

So there it is . ... It's out there .. and I will not fear what is next ..I am just trusting and living .. ... It will be what it will be. This is a new type of living for me. If anyone knows me, knows that this is 100% NOT the old me.. The old me planned EVERYTHING. I do not go outside the box. I do thinkgs the way the major do it. I am not a real risk taker.... I have back up plans for my backup plans .... But like the trite commercial says, Having a baby changes everything ....

Thanks Giving

Gobble Gobble

My husband gave alil more than I would have liked him to. Remember me complaining that He had been sick for like a month now .... Well, He finally shared his germs my way.

On Thursday, Thanksgiving .. MT and I got up early and drove to my parents house in time to see the parade. I wasn't feeling that great but figured it was due to lack of sleep. Around lunch time, I began feeling pretty achy. I was trying to tough it out since E was at work and my parents were making food and hostessing. Time to eat ..I thought I would feel better after I ate .... but it only got worse. Around 5pm, I decided that I should take my tempt because I noticed I was shaking. It was 101.5 I asked my mom to watch MT and I went and took a nap on the couch. By 7pm, I was just feeling awful. Everything hurt ..my eyelids ached. E got off work and came over to my parents for dinner. Only to find me in miserable shape. After he ate dinner and watched a movie, We loaded up the car and drove home. We left his car there, I didn't think I was in any shape to drive. Around midnight, All hell broke lose. I could no longer keep anything down. I lost my lunch over and over and over again ..... if you catch my drift. It was uncontrollable and unstoppable. This continued into the morning. I called my dr and they got me right in. Temp was still 101.5 and climbing.... She insisted that I had food poisoning. I told her no one else had any problems with dinner, just me. Then she did a pregnancy test ... If I would have been feeling better, I would have really laughed about the whole urine pee test ... but whateve ..... She said that it looks like I have a bladder infection because of my pee being so dark. I told her that was probably dehydration .... She agreed and took back the rx for the antibiotics. .... She was closing and instructed me that if I vomited anymore and could not keep fluids down, I needed to go to the ER...... *not much help - things I already knew. Well, I wasn't even able to get out of her office without throwing up. But I went home and tried to sleep it off .... but there was no chance of that, My stomach had other plans .... SO basically after putting it off .. I called my mother to meet us at the ER so she could watch MT while we waiting in the ER ..... Believe it or not Black Friday is a slow day for the ER ..We were in an out in under 2 hours. I was given 2 bags of IV and 2 rounds of zof.ran (my savior drug). They sent me home with ph.ene.rgan rx. I took that for 2 days and I feel like an almost whole person again. I still have a headache, I think I am alil dehydrated still ..I am working on that though ....

Somewhere in all of this, My parents (that god they live close) kept MT over night. Friday night when My mom picked him up at the ER, I was talked into just letting him stay with him. It was the best for everyone. I Thank God that they are able to do that for us ..because I was in a bad way for a while. Bad news is that this is the way my husband started out sick 1 month ago .... I cannot be sick for 1 month .. I do not have the patience for that.

Also - Did I mention that My MIL was supposed to come over Saturday but E called her and told her not to because of me not feeling well and were on our way to the ER. She repeatedly went on and on about how that was NOT convenient to her schedule (me being sick). She wants to see her grandson and she has off that day .... and hasn't seen him in months...... . blah blah blah ..... (no one has stopped her from seeing MT - she has just pre-occupied with other issues ... and now that issue is back in jail, she is bored and lonely) E had to remind her that we were on our way to the ER and that he had to go ... this woman is so obnoxiously selfish ......

But onto brighter endings .. MT is now able to sit up in his own.

(this is him Skyping with his Auntie M for thanksgiving)


A cool stool a friend of mine gave him .. We pull up the bumbo seat and use it like a table so far - notice the droool ...Yes we are still teething


Two Teeth