Trick or Treat

We took MT to my parents for Halloween. Actually we, Left MT at my parents for a few hours tonight while E and I went out to dinner. It was a pretty weird feeling. Eating a meal that was hot and with 2 hands. It felt nice but foreign. and he has only been here with us for 4.5 months ...

My Halloween pumpkin:


OK ..this is a warning, I have (over)shared lots on this blog, but I am about to go into intimacy with some emotional detail .. If you know me in real life and don't care to know this much info about me, you should take my warning. (although, I don't see a problem with you reading on)

E and I had a HUGE discussion,/fight/conversation last night. To say that our intimacy needs improving is probably an understatement. As so many know, intimacy somewhere along the way got lost. (and for those that didn't lost it - send me your secret) It was all about timing, dr's appointments, cycle schedules. I would not use the words spontaneous, fun or exciting to describe that part of our life for probably 5 yrs. Was it hurting our relationship then? Yes.. Did E mention it to me numerous times then? Yes, But I would just either get defensive or cry. So, Here we are sitting on the "other side" and we are STILL having this discussion. I have a 4.5 month old and I can count on 1 hand the number of times we have been intimate since I received a positive over a yr ago now. Does it bother me, Nope... Does it bother E, YES. In fact, It bothers him so much that he stated that he feels like I do not feel attracted to him and that he some how feels rejected, like a failure, and failed all at the same time. He said "like your cheesy romantic movies/song, I want you to want me". I cried. I had nothing to say to that. I am unsure what I can do to reverse this situation. I am unsure if this is related to my hormone levels, some form of PTSD, lack of interest for far too long, denial, exhaustion, etc. I hate that I am causing this situation in our relationship. I am sorry that I am uninterested in this area of intimacy, I am sorry and frustrated that he is feeling neglected, I am sorry he is tired of my excuses, I am sorry that I am tired ... I am trying to figure out what to do .. Mutually we suggested counseling ..maybe I(we) need it. It was a rough night. I laid in bed til 3-4 am trying to figure out what to do.. How can I be there for him in this way when I just don't feel it, when my house honestly looks like a tornado came through and I have no time/energy to clean it (for Christmas I asked my relatives to help me deep clean and re-organize my entire home) There is laundry in the washer, dryer and a load in the basket waiting to be folded, dishes in the sink, in the dishwasher, the stove is dirty from dinner, the floor needs to be vacuumed/moped, did I have a shower today? when is the last time I shaved is my outfit clean, .... AH make it stop ...... While he lays next to be snoring away, sleeping peacefully and soundly ....

I am told, I will adjust

Aboriginals, Alternative Pants and Monkeys

Ahhhh this weather is fantastic ... I love the chill in the air. It is So very rare to experience it this time of year. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts because..it will not last.

As soon as I hit post on those low self confidence posts ..I do regret it .. I regret it because It could sound as though I am complaining, And I assure you even if it sounds that way ... it is not meant to seem like a negative aspect of my life... I just get stuck on these in my life and they grip me or I grip them so hard it is hard to let go and move on ... ... This is not one of my finer qualities.

Moving on - I figured I would post what I have experienced w/MT the past few days (maybe a week)

• From now on, if asked if I have a schedule, I will say Yes and keep it at that ....
• MT is really into this jabbering thing. He talks so much. Along with Talking and making sounds, his new favorite thing to do to get my attention is this fake cough/hacking sound. It is his newest hunger cue. We like to think that he is studying one of the many aboriginal languages. He has this mmmmmhmmmmmm sound he makes when he starts to get sleepy
• He has stopped his crying spell for car rides..thank god. That was no fun to deal with.
• Baby clothes are worse than woman's sizes .. I hate trying to figure out what size to buy. It always depends on the store I am in .. and even then it seems to vary.
• I thought these were the most stupid thing I had ever seen when I was pregnant .... I am now about to go searching for a pair because it is cold and MT HATES pants ... No matter what size pants he has one, they tend to squeeze that fat lil belly and he tends to get very miserable ( i know ... he is only a wee tot and already giving me grief about clothes) How do I know this, you ask... Take the pants off and he is a whole new boy Plus when changing a diaper, you can see they are leaving pretty red, raw indentions. So We put on alot of those one pieces on him.
• I need some of these for my sister's wedding next weekend. I am leaving to go up there on Sunday. This will be my first trip by myself anywhere. It's a 5/6 hour drive. I am still debating what will be the best time to travel, what I am taking with me (swing, bouncy, etc..) I will be there for a week. E and my parents are coming up Wednesday. I am going up early to help my sister get a few things done and hang out with her and friends before the big day. I am excited for her but nervous about how I am going to handle MT up there away from E and my parents all by myself. E and Myself are also in the wedding, So I am nervous about who will watch MT while we are in the ceremony. Things I should have thought of ... but, It will all work itself out.
• E has off Friday, MT has a monkey costume .. I am not sure where we are going, but we are going somewhere to show this costume off. Here is a sneak peak.

Why do I always feel I have to get on my soap box about this...

It has been relatively cool here lately. I am loving it. I just love the fall season. I think because it starts to cool off and we can enjoy being outside without sweating to death.

So, we tried cereal for 4 consecutive days. He seemed to enjoy it the first day because it was new, slurped it all down … the second day showed very little interest … third day no interest at all … fourth day, would not eat any of it. I was trying to make it alittle thicker the other days because the first day it was like liquidy and super messy. He liked that best ..but by adding cereal in our day, we managed to have some really off/abnormal days. He was pretty miserable. It seemed to be causing him some stomach discomfort, definitely constipated, Did not have a bowel movement until Sunday night - which seemed alleviate the fussiness/discomfort ... but that was 3 days w/o a bowel movement. He has been so regular until then ..every day around 10 am ish until introducing solids .....So we will put the cereal away and maybe try again at 5 months. I am just not sure his little stomach was ready for it ... or maybe this is normal..maybe there needs to be a built up tolerance that happens as you introduce it and it just gets better with time .. .. I am unsure. All I know is taking cereal out of our day yesterday gave us a MUCH better day.



I carved a pumpkin yesterday from the pumpkin patch we visited in GA. I haven't done that in years. The last time I think I did that was in college and my then boyfriend, now husband and I got into the biggest, nastiest pumpkin fight. He started it .. (i think) .. All I know is that it is extremely hard to get pumpkin guts out of your hair .... We made MT pose by my pumkpin
Frightened:


Now Happy:


On another note - It has been almost 18 weeks and my swing batteries are just now starting to die. Classical music on its last leg ... brings out a whole new sound

Speaking of classical music on its' last leg (from our swing) .. MT naps in his swing now .. He went back and forth on liking and disliking the swing. We are in a phase of liking it at the moment. It may change but for now, I get a good 1.5 - 2 hour nap/down time out of him in the swing. I know and have been told by MANY unapproving parents,grandparents, naysayers, anon commenter's, etc .. and I just don't really care or understand their concerns. I have received many unapproving looks by many things that I am choosing to do and some days it beats me down, other days, I don't get a crap .... Speaking of things that beat me down, I hate the word Schedule with a passion now for sure. I use the word pattern, and We adhere to that pattern most days but I like flexibility ... I have found myself becoming too neurotic and anxiety driven if I watch the clock too closely. I can have a full fledged silent panic attack along with other frustrations when clock watching and demanding expectations from MT. I find it be peaceful and relaxing for me to just go with the flow, watch for cues instead of "telling the 4 month old who is in control" ... Yes, I have been told that . I need to tell him who is boss, set the record straight now. I am unsure how much of a record I can set straight since only one of us speaks/understands the english language. I am trying to enforce cause/effect relationships right now. I do not wish to wrestle or torture someone who is just trying to understand the new surroundings .. Maybe that makes me a bit lax in my parenting style... maybe that makes me not a great structuralist for now .. Maybe we will both just figure it out as we go ...I am sure there will be mistakes, and I am sure there will be "i told you so's".. I wish there would not be i told you so's, but it seems that people are really competitive and determined to be "right" when raising children/grandchildren/students

Can you tell I am frustrating with the "right" way to parent ..... Why would you think there is only one Right way to parent .. aren't all people different? I know at many points in my life, I did not embrace differences. It seems that the general population have decided that all babies are the same and should all be raised the same ...I get so frustrated, beat down, discouraged and upset over this .. This bothers me so, because some days I am just coasting along and other days I am just surviving. I still do not have the confidence I need apparently .. but Blogging as really allowed me to embrace the different spices that life has to offer .... Embrace differences, judge less, gossip not

What do we have here

My precious little pumpkin has learned a brand new trick (and it's not a cute one) ... He has learned to Scream his little lungs out during car rides. Yes, the entire car ride. No matter where you are going or how long it takes to get there. This started a week ago. Friday, on my way to our halloween group party, he screamed the whole way there. I thought it was because his morning nap was cut short. We had a great time at the party. We was in a happy mood and things we chill. We left alittle early so we could pick up E and drive to my sister's (5.5 hours away). I put the lil stink-pot in the stroller and headed towards the elevator ..... at this moment again, my sweet precious lil boy was replaced with a screaming banshee. I was in public .. and a public hospital on the L&D floor. I HAD to do something .. So I picked him up, and put the diaper bag in the stroller and wheeled it to the car He stopped as soon as I picked him up (ahh he just wanted me, Isn't that sweet) ... I got to the car, Changed his diaper. (thinking it was the root of the problem) .... he screamed the whole process. Picked him up, He stopped crying .... I felt loved but really?..... Tried putting him in the car seat again, the screaming banshee returned .. In a parking garage (oh the echo .not so sweet) ..... I seriously thought he was just overstimulated and tired, so I just buckled him in and drove ..25 mins later there was STILL a screaming banshee in my back seat ..I was trying to get home as fast as humanly possibly. I got home, LUCKILY E was home ... I handed MT off as i cried and explained I thought he was just tired ...

Saturday and Sunday were different days for us because someone was in the back seat with him while we were at my sisters.

Monday -Thurs he has done the same exact thing ... scream in the car seat all the way to our destination ..... There is a mirror there so I can see him and he can see himself. It has been there since we installed the car seat. He used to talk to himself in the mirror ... I can no longer use the overstimulated and tired excuse because it has be realized that if One touches him, He stops crying...... like Immediately... .... Problem: I cannot safely drive and touch him at the same time. I cannot pull a britney and drive with him in my lap ... He needs to be safe and I need to be safe ... I am losing my mind over this ..... any help, tricks, ideas, earplugs, suggestions, etc.. ANYTHING ..PLEASE help, I am desperate ....

2 days into cereal - things are going ok. Our schedule seems to be a tad off now. I am not sure what to blame.... He usually goes to bed at 8 - both days now it's more like 9:30. I may have to try doing the cereal earlier. I have been doing it at 10am. It does make that next nap VERY long .. Which is why it's 9:00 and he is not tired yet. Or maybe I just let it be ... not sure what I feel about this yet

All in All, I think he liked it. We shall attempt again tomorrow. I will not follow the box instructions ..they make it too runny.

rambles and requesting comment participation

• Fa.ceboo.k is addicting ... Don't start it ... you can spend hours you do not have on it. OOhhhhhh but it is very fun. I just signed up last night.
• I have about 4 unpublished posts in my que. They aren't published because I just can not figure out the right words for them. This is the first time I have ever not just wrote and hit publish ... Something is holding me back and I don't know what it is.
• MT is growing and changing by the second. Yesterday, he took a 3 hour nap in the swing. I managed to get so much accomplished. I was not rushed at all. It felt nice.
• We should be giving him cereal tomorrow. I have been holding out because I wanted to make sure we were all ready for this change. I have paid more attention to the signs and he really does move his mouth, tongue and lips when someone is holding him and they are eating. I do believe he is ready now.

Now here is a participation question. Everyone, please chime in... Hypothetically speaking - ahem.... clears throat ..

Your spouse only works ~3 days of the week. You work 5 days of the week in a different county that takes about 35-50 mins to get to (each way) in loads of traffic. You cannot find a public daycare facility that will allow part time daycare. You will have to pay full time day care in the county in which you live in even though you do not need full time daycare. Paying daycare will be alittle more than 70% of your take home pay for the next 6 months. After those first 6 months it will go down to alittle over 50% of your take home salary (unless they raise prices which will likely happen). You will only see your child for maybe 3/4 waking hours a day during the week. Which will include breakfast (while you are getting ready for work), bath, dinner, bedtime. You have thought about private daycare but have hesitations about having a stranger from a at home daycare provide their services. And do not personally know anyone offering private care. All this for doing a job that you do not love. A job that you think you may leave in the next 2 years. A job that you are afraid to give up only because of the fear of the economic state the US is in right now because you should feel grateful you even have a job when others do not. You realize that you can make ends meet with a part time job, see your child more for quality time and never need daycare. Yes there will be sacrifices, you will not have the financial comforts that you once had but there are always sacrifices to make. You do not have the financial comforts that you had a few years ago either because of this despressing economy. Discuss. If you were in this hypothetical situation, what would your questions be, how would you handle this, Be fair and honest .... Comment

Pumkpin Patch

So it's that time for that token picture.

We went to visit my sister this weekend and saw a pumpkin vendor and tried to take MT's picture in the pumpkins ... We had to come back after a nap and some tylenol ..Did I mention he is teething and screams like a banshee

First attempt:


Second attempt: