Photo down memory lane

I was tagged by Elle Charlie to write about a random photo.




Funny thing is that I have been contemplating posting this picture for quite some time now. This tag gave me the courage I needed. This photo was taken 3 yrs ago today actually. It was at my cousin's little girls 1 yr old birthday party. She tagged me in it on m.yspa.ce a few months ago. When I saw that photo and nearly croaked. I was in the last few weeks of this pregnancy. That is NEVER a good time to find an absolutely horrible picture of yourself. I was so ashamed of this picture that I for the longest time refused to accept the tag. I mean seriously, I am not sure there could be a more unflattering picture of myself hot, sweaty, and hugely LARGE at the park in Florida in Sept. (it's still smoldering hot in fl)

When this photo was taken. I was in a BAD BAD BAD place. This was the year that my mother's health became a family affair. Jan - March of that year, I had taken off of work to stay home with my mother to help out my dad so he could work. This was just the beginning of a long road we were not prepared for, or had any idea how far this road would be .. It was starting to take a toll on allof us. I had been TTC for 4 years. My husband was in a not-so-great job .. We were living in a not-so-great apartment. What I am saying is, I was majorly depressed and comfort eating like no bodies business. I am not trying to make excuses, I am trying to make a point. It was a very dark time in my life, and I was trying to hide it most days ....

Following with the trip down memory lane and perspectives (and timing), I (once again) went to my cousin's little girls 3rd birthday today.

This time last year, a few days before her 2nd birthday party, I was informed that I had failed my second IUI. The RE office's had comfirmed that I had not ovulated. I was so upset over this. Two months of a high amount of injectibles to help make me ovulate and no results of ovulations even. I was sicker than a dog the day of her 2nd birthday party. I thought I had the flu and a tooth ache. A week later I found out that I was not sick with the flu ..It was something else .. It was a positive pregnancy test.

Today I took My 4 month old baby boy to her 3rd birthday. I know this may seem cheesy and dumb - but in my little world, this meant the world to me. Progress was made. A since of acheivement was reached and I was loving every minute of it sweating out in the FL Sun

Getting Rough .

loads of tmi questions about BF

Recently we have run into a reoccurring situation. My son has taken up chewing, biting, gumming anything that he can get in his mouth. Yes, this includes ME ... I has gotten used to the drool, gumming, biting for the most part. The kicker is this behavior does not stop when he nurses. He has bitten my nipple more times than I'd like to remember. It hurts like a mother ... He just chomps, bites and pulls on them. Sometimes he treats them like a dog w/a chew toy, shaking his head back and forth, side to side. (*yes there is plenty of milk) Instinct is to pull him off quickly and throw him .. .... BUT ......It actually hurts MUCH worse if i pull him off. I have tried the pushing his head towards me over and over and over. This seems to agitate the beast more and he bites harder .... On days like this, I am so very thankful there is a bottle that I can feed him from because he usually leaves my nipples so sore and tender for a good day after he decides to bite down on them.

I know he is not doing this out of spite ...but I can't help but get upset at him over it. I know he doesn't know he is hurting me but it hurts none the less. I am actually afraid he has damaged one of them pretty badly. When I pump, I notice that it is no longer pumping like it used to. It dribbles the milk out instead of a stream/squirts. His biting is making me more susceptible for yeast infections I think. I try to apply a hot/cold compress on them when I have time ... but Time is not something I have alot of most days.

On top of the yeast and hurting issues, It is making me dread feedings. i find myself being very apprehensive about breastfeeding him. (on top of the already timidity and lack of family support) I am so gun shy about being bitten again. I assume this is because he is teething .... Anyone else experiencing this, experienced this? Any tricks to help or will I get used to it so I can learn to grin and bear it?

I was bf-ing 3/4 times a day ... It seems like now as soon as he bites me, I stop and go get a bottle because it just hurts way too bad to get bite again

itching towards 4 months

DSC_0027, originally uploaded by FARAHBETH.

I will have a 4 month old here very soon.

This past couple days we have had some major breakthroughs. Naps still seem to be around the same time each day with some give and take. I have been able to put him down when I notice he is sleepy and get at least an hour out of the nap. (this pleases me so much) Sometimes, It is in the swing, sometimes it is in his bed, sometimes it is in his carseat ... BUT it is sleep and regardless of where it is. This is a large improvement from me having to hold him to get him to sleep and while he sleeps. (which We had to do for the first 3 months of his tiny lil life 95% of the time) I am able to recognize these sleepy cues and work with them.

I may hate myself for this later on, but I have found a pacifier that seems to help console him when he is sleepy. We tired paci's off and on and he was not a fan . . Not at all .. In fact the paci usually frustrated him more into a screaming fit. But this past week I have tried this and it seems to work. I use it when he is noticeably sleepy. He sucks on it and drifts off to dream world w/o a fight. I can get some me time, chores done, or whatever ... For me, this is a compromise because I need a break and he needs sleep. Plus if he is occupied by something other than myself, I can get some much better pumping time in.

I have surrendered some of my neuroses or trying to. I am going to do my best, but my best is only done when I am able to make rational and well thought out decisions. And let's face it, Hormones are all over the place. And It is hard enough for me to make a decision w/o having hormones effect the outcome.

I think that MT is getting much better at sitting and holding himself up. (still with some assistance) I can see improvements just from last week.

A few things I wish I could/should/would have done differently:
I wish that I was able to connect with some other women that have have a child MT's age. I have said this before but It is something that I wish I knew how to do. I guess I just do not know how to make friends anymore. and honestly, I don't think I try very hard at it either. Mentally, I will psych myself up before I get to a mommie group meeting - then I just find myself packing up and leaving aft erhte even is over w/o trying to attempt to make a connection.... It is hard because I ususally have to get home to either pump, feed, change, lay MT down for a nap ..etc you name it. But Now I am down to only 2 more months left before I have to make a decision If i am going back to work at my current job or make other arrangements. So more than 1/2 of my time is up, I am now getting the swing of things .. and I feel like it's all about to change so quickly.

I also wish that my father was not so much opposed to my choice to breastfeed. He is extremely verbal and condescending about it. I understand how he feels and I have respected his feelings and his household. It is making my choice very hard. I think he knows that. I think that is his goal/point. To make this choice to breastfeed very difficult to make me stop ... I know he has good intentions .. and I know that we will get through this. This whole situation just takes swings at my already low confindence level. It sometime validates my insecurities of shame or being indecent or dirty that sometimes comes along with breastfeeding... When it is SO NOT any of those things. I wish I could just grow a pair and let him know that he is offending me as much as my breastfeeding offends him. When we are over at his house ,It is clear that if MT needs feeding, I need to make sure to have enough food in bottles ..Which makes it very hard for me to sometimes want to go over and visit them and I hate that. ..I think I have harped on both of these subjects enough ..I just keep trying to get them out of my head and they keep returning...

I cannot figure out how to embed a google video here .. So you will have to follow the link.
(hopefully this will show you that we are having fun here even if I get a lil too neurotic)

I have to give a product a shoutout! I have been using a lanolin for almost 4 months now that is quite thick and goopy. I bought this ... Oh, It is fantastic .. If you are in search of lanolin ... Hands down the best thing .. It goes on soo much easier.

Kryptonite

I have been stewing on this post for quite some time now. (and like always, it will not come out in the best words or thoughts) These past few months have been a big giant blur mostly. I am enjoying my new title and responsibility. But I will not lie..It is Daunting. I laugh That I thought I was "prepared" (mentally and physically) to care for a newborn. But as they say, there is nothing like hands on training .... 24/7 for the rest of your life. Oops tangent .. back to the point:

Research
I must have researched, researched and researched the research obsessively towards the end of my pregnancy. I was not going to do this, we will not allow this type of product/material, We will do this .... I had my mental list of how to do things and what not to do all prepared and discussed with my husband. I studied up on all these new allergies, vaccines, products, recalls, unsafe items, foods, materials, toxins, germs, chemicals.. the list goes on and on. I swear to you .. I still am going mental over all of "this". I am also quite frustrated and angry about this topic.

I live in the US. You know the land of the free and home of the brave. ... What is free here? Heck Air costs money these days. ..grr tangent .. I need to stick to my point .. My point is that this baby raising has gotten so complicated. Or have we complicated this baby raising? Why am I worried that if I miss a pump (that are using bpa free plastics) I may not have enough milk to provide to my child and he have to ingest that tainted baby formula .... Why should I be thinking about tainted baby formula ... Why am I worried about what type of plastic he puts in his mouth? Why am I worried about the chemicals in his diaper/clothes/blankets/toys? Why am I worried about exposing him to something harmful on a daily basis? Why am i worried that if/when MT gets a fever, I will not be about to find a safe OTC medicine for him w/o having other reactions? Why does it seem that everything on the planet contains some sort of ingredient that is going to harm humans? Why is it financially expensive to be concerned and buy products that are "less harmful" than others .. What does less harmful mean? Why is it mentally expensive to be concerned when I cannot afford to purchase the "less harmful" items because the other items are more economically affordable to the general public? Is there a hierarchy of life based on how deep your pocket is?

I am not an alarmist .. I am not trying to be an alarmist .. I am not trying to cause others to panic and retreat. I am just trying to figure out what in the world we are doing that causes so much harm to everyone. No, I was not born yesterday nor did I fall off a turnip truck. There is no event in my life up to now that has been as life changing as caring for a newborn. It has made me question every part of my being. It re-examines the who, what , where , when , and how's of life to the nth degree and back again. (yes, even though I thought I was prepared)

There is this protective gene that has come out of no where in me .. This protective gene is obsessively googling all types of words and situations. Some days I just throw my hands up in the air and concede. Other days I stand on my soap box and proclaim my distaste for the product makers that create harmful products and vow to not support them but try to never project my convictions or opposition on others ... Other days I turn a blind eye ... It's like having product amnesia some days. What I am saying is, it is freaking exhausting enough doing the daily routines of this new life, why does the world go and muddy it up with all sorts of craptasticly harmful products and write them off as acceptable.. Why are the people who are placed in positions to protect us, not doing their job but still collecting a salary and profit? Are others concerned about this too, what are you/they doing about it? What can i do about it? Am I overly concerned and anxious? If I am not overly concerned, why are the friends and family whispering subtle remarks to each other about my want to use cloth diapers, bpa free bottles, plates, spoons, cups etc? Why do I feel like this is an uphill losing battle at times? Isn't it ok if you aren't concerned about it, why does that make me seem like a 6 eyed alien because I am concerned about it?

As you can see, I have contemplated this for a very long time. I know that most of these are rhetorical questions. I know that many research is years behind and it has taken this long to figure out some of what is and isn't harmful products, behaviors, theories and so on.. .. I know that there will always be something that is harmful and a "less harmful" alternative. I just have to do the best I can with what I have been given. I need to use my over abundance of common sense, creativity and intelligence to do the best job that I can. Until then, you can find me eating my organic, recycled, cardboard circling the block with my recycled tire shoes ..which we will later find out that the wood to make the cardboard was grown in some random location that contains some now detected foreign object that causes us to sprout horns like a unicorn ....

Passing it Along

The one about all kinds of randomness

• I am pretty sure that I am going to start the actual first real period soon. This should explain the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been experiencing this past week. I say real period because I think this one may last alot longer than 1 day of spotting/flow like the others have been. I have pretty much the cramping and moodiness that are related to the ol' hag. (i haven't missed her It's been a full year w/o her presence) I also seem to have a supply issue again. I was told that once my period does decide to come, the breast milk supply slows down for a few days but eventually should come back .. we'll see. It all has to do with hormones ... evil evil hormones
• MT has been trying to roll over the past couple days. He rocks back and forth on his tummy until he gets frustrated or stuck. He is getting close
• Check it out She is having a Girl and She is having a Boy!
• MT is somewhat still following the same pattern with some give and take. We still have "Hold me ALOT" days. Today was one of them. In his defense, I have had him out dress shopping for my sister's wedding for the past 3 days and he (and I) are just over it. I do have a matron of honor dress now, so no more of that nonsense. This is not what you want to do ever .. especially after just having a baby. dressmakers are evil and do things that make your trigger those evil hormones ... ... .. SO add this up: dress shopping, dress shopping by yourself with newborn, dress shopping in a nursing bra, dress shopping while having first period in a yr, dress shopping while not working ..... It is enough to send anyone over the edge
• I am starting back on my met. The rx was called in, I will pick it up tomorrow.
• I know there is more I wanted to add but my brain is turning to mush ...
• Why Can't I ever think of titles for my posts anymore
• This time last year I was recovering from IUI#1 and gearing up for IUI#2 (more on this later)..
• Here are 2 more pictures - He is growing and changing so very fast. I swear, He changes right in front of your eyes: I cannot keep his hands or anything he picks up out of his mouth. I am constantly washing the drool, spit, saliva, hand germs off of his face. It tends to leave lil red bumps. I also cannot ever cut his nails short enough. He manages to scratch his face regardless of how short/filed those nails are.