No more Tip Toeing

Infertility is So bizarre to process and I am warning you right now - Up front. This is going to be a very hard post for me to write and this is going to be a very hard post for most to read. These are MY feelings and I am allowed to have them, Because they are Mine and this is my blog. It does not mean anyone else will like them or agree with them. If you are not in a great space mentally right now - I am warning you now - You may need to come back to this post much later. I have no intentions of offending or losing any readers/commenter's. I am just trying to get back to being able to blog and pushing the elephant in the room to light.

I have always been honest on my blog - Very very open and Honest. The past few months, I have not been completely open and honest with my feelings. But, Now, It's time to break that cycle:

I am having a VERY hard time being pregnant this time around. Mentally and Physically. Let's take it back a few months - I fantasized about the Idea of being pregnant again, idealized the idea of being able to decide that when I would want an #2, It would just happen .. You know, Like, Pick when you are ready and start and magically fall pregnant - Just like a fairy tale ..Or the Movies ..... Once We all adjusted to life with MT and would be feeling a groove and feeling Ready ...... Yes THEN ... that would just be divine, but if we never have #2 ..I know the blessing of one gorgeous little boy and I will be fulfilled with him

Then I started having "health issues" that I just knew were my PCOS acting up again ..... I took pregnancy test because people kept telling me to .. Now that I think about, they were actually faint lines and Not Evap lines ...

Then The dr's confirmed that I was in fact, Pregnant ... My first thoughts were, Oh Well, Here we go again ... Just more miscarriage to add under my belt. I found out I was 8 weeks and was waiting every day to find out that it was just another chemical pregnancy or that I was going to start bleeding at any moment. And week by week, Life went on, and I was somehow still pregnant. No Met, No aspirin, No L.ovenox, No med's to make me ovulate ... Nothing .. I felt like a fish out of water. This was not known territory. 7 yrs, No birth control, a few too many positive pregnancy tests and lots of Dr's bills and One beautiful MT to show for them. People knew we had to seek medically intervention to get MT on earth and asked if we went through it again so soon ... I was now THAT myth ... That girl .. to continue to perpetuate the story telling of friends to friends that know a friend that once they gave birth, all their fertility problems were fixed .... But are they really? What does fixed imply ... That I was broken? And not not? I endured more "i told you so" than I would like to recall

Each trip to the bathroom to vomit profusely, reminded me that I was still really pregnant and also caring for a 9 month old ...(is there a nice way to describe all day sickness?)

The dr's appointments came rolling in, Yip, Still Pregnant .... I am not sure when I actually processed that I Really was pregnant and possibly going to be pregnant until they say Dec..I say Nov....

All this time, I know that I know that I know and believe the blessing it is to have a child ... to be pregnant and caring for a child. I know with all my heart that this is a blessing beyond any blessing ... ..But ... Here is the But

MAN! It's So hard. It is not like my pregnancy with MT, where I have all the time in the world to enjoy downtime and take time for myself and get pampered and be totally intoxicated by the hormones and love and dotting friends/family. This time, I am chasing a very active Tot, being very very sick, peeing on myself because I could not make it to the bathroom in time because I was taking care of one of MT's immediate needs and having to neglect that "OMG I have to pee feeling", standing outside in the heat index of 107, bitterness of years of heartbreak, bitterness of treatments, bitterness for friends who deserve to be a Mom times two because I am not that great at handling one some/most days, Bitterness of timing, Bitterness is UGLY ....... This is not the circumstances I ever imagined when daydreaming of #2 .....

All of this is just touching the surface of the emotional aspect of having your body flooded with an overload of hormones again. There are so many emotional layers to infertility .. Like an Onion .. I peel back each layer to only find more layers of raw-ness. More layers of deep rooted hurt, Dealing with More very hurtful losses of friendships, More inconsiderate, hurtful comments and feeling of Am/Was I really infertile after all ... Doubt .... Sending me to places that are dark. Rocking my core.. Confusing, Mixed emotions of loss, birth, cures, doubt .. Questioning my very being, My bitterness, My blessings, My struggles, My feelings, My life ....

The only thing that I can do it, accept it, Move on ... Embrace it head on. This is my Life, the cards I was dealt. I can't change it, I can't make excuses for it. I have to Learn as we go ... And try to make the absolute most I can out of it, Try to keep the friendships I have, Open and honestly ... and Hang on for dear life ....

AfterMath Brain Dump

For those that read the last post - HUGE thanks. I didn't intend to be so complain-y ..Guess I had more on my mind than I thought I had dealt with. I promise you, We had a BLAST! It really is the most magical place on Earth. Yes, I totally buy into that Hook, Line and Sinker.


To answer some questions that were asked. Or to give clarification on some stuff

• I am not at all against Juice or Milk. I struggle getting 12oz of Formula in MT a day still. He will drink 2 sippy cups full of water. I am trying to get him to drink formula out of the sippy. He HATES the formula or hates the bottle. I am not able to figure out which it is. I have switched formulas a few times to see if that would help us any - But it doesn't. So, I am hesitant to push the Juice issue until I feel I can get enough nutrients in him liquid wise. I did put Milk in the sippy today for breakfast. It went over like a lead balloon. I will keep trying little at a time.
• I try to be wise with MT's food selections. I am not at all bothered if he is offered different types of food normally. We try to live a very real, very balanced lifestyle. Including our Diets. We try to live out the moderation's theory.
• YES, Does this Kid look like his Father or What ?!?!
• I am not at all or ever will be opposed to holding/rocking/insert whatever verb to get MT to sleep. These days are few and far between. My child was held,nursed, soothed to sleep for the most part of the first 5 -6 months. Then all of a sudden, He decided that he would like to be put down to sleep. He tends to get uncomfortable when trying to be held/rocked to sleep. I obliged.
• My "sickness" has stepped into high gear over the last 2 days and seems to last all day. It is brought on by the thought of drinking water.
• I personally want to hug every one of you that commented on what a lovely family I have. Gushing, Thank you so much. * and those that included that I didn't look so bad either .. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I am having a very hard time with the extra 18lbs that snuck up on me .... My mid- section is so bloated and poofy. It happened SO very Quickly this time. I was able to ease into it last time. I am not eased at all ... it was more like ...... BAM! I was wearing Mat. Clothes in those pictures. It just feels weird Since I didn't do Mat clothes until 17-19 weeks last time.
• I am Planning a birthday part for a 1 yr old ..... This.Floors.me. *what time was everyone's party at? I am trying to figure out what time to have the party. I rented a park shelter right acrossed from the playground.
• I am trying to figure out how to re-decorate the ye ole blog. When I get bored this weekend, I am going to see what I come up with.

from the bottom of my heart

Thank you to everyone that read/commenting on my last post. Since posting, I am feeling a bit more confident. It was so great to see so many de-lurkers lurking around. That was so neat. Awesome... Thank you!

So glad you asked:

Emotionally , I am alil all over the place. My Parents have told pretty much everyone in the very small town. I was NOT prepared for that. I thought they understood to keep it under wraps ... But Not so much. I was congratulated quite a few times Saturday at an event my parents we throwing.

That has added more pressure. Before then, I was feeling very calm and at peace about everything. Now, I am hoping for a great u/s because I am not sure I am at all prepared to have my parents Untell Everyone they know.

I think I am more emotional (as in actually having emotions) than the last time. I was so guarded last time. Now,I am just very go with the flow. I mean, I waited 4 days for the Dr. Office to call me back with my hcg, progesterone results. I did have to call to get them. But I waited. And was able to wait.

I do have overwhelming visions of juggling 2 at very different stages. One of them being Very mobile and full of energy. But Women do it ... I will figure it out, If we are so blessed to get that far.

I am really just looking for an u/s at this point. To see what we see and go from there. Or a Doppler ... A Heartbeat

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I am truly thankful that there was so much love and support. I was/am extremely worried about having to tell this tale.

Dr's Appointment tomorrow afternoon. They never did call me back to let me know if they were able to schedule the U/s. I am debating calling them tomorrow morning to see Or just waiting til we get there ....

35 weeks = 5 weeks to go ...

87% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 13% left to go



Normally I note the changes in the baby. This week I decided to concentrate on the changes in my body. I found there are more changes in my body this week than the growing baby. The baby is doing basically the same: adding on fat, learning to breath and just waiting to be born.



But as for me:

Changes in Your Body When 35 Weeks Pregnant
By the time you are 35 weeks pregnant, you have likely gained between 24 and 29 pounds. Other common physical changes that you may be noticing around week 35 of pregnancy include:

Not sleeping well
Feelings of anxiety
Becoming moodier and more irritable
Overall feeling of being physically uncomfortable
A decreased sex drive.

Around 35 weeks pregnant, you also might be experiencing more discomfort from hemorrhoids caused by the increased pressure of your growing baby on the veins in your rectum. You might also be constipated, which makes hemorrhoids worse because you might strain for a bowel movement.

Try to avoid hemorrhoids by drinking lots of fluids and eating plenty of whole grains, raw or cooked leafy green vegetables, and fruits. Try not to strain for bowel movements, and always talk with your doctor before taking a laxative.



Myth: If it is stormy out (or if there is a full moon), you are likely to go into labor.

When and how you go into labor is completely dependent upon your body, and a chain of events that occurs for your body to prepare for labor. It will happen when your body is ready.



In general, babies gain about one-half pound per week in the last month of pregnancy. You may have struggled with low hemoglobin (iron) during your entire pregnancy only to find that it is beginning to rise again. This elevation is due to the fact that your body is storing iron in preparation for the normal blood loss experienced at birth. Your baby has been manufacturing red blood cells and bone marrow, which may have depleted your levels, but that work is almost done. Now it's your turn to absorb some of the iron.



I have to say, I have turned on the waterworks and the anxiety to an all time high (so far). So has the pressure on my pelvic bone and bladder. I am scared ... or worried ... Scared/worried of just about everything imaginable. Here is just the short condensed list.

• Pre-term Labor ( just need 2 more weeks then it's considered full term)
• I have been having very random stillborn thoughts, dreams, concerns. Mini is kicking me - My ribs will forever be bruised-but my head wanders off in these thoughts. My father's mother delivered still born babies... I know I need to keep these thoughts at bay. That was a long time ago and under different circumstances.
• Worried of what harm I may have caused Mini from my P.CO.S and possible Gest. Diabetes and whatever else you can possibly harm a child with ..things I do not even know about or exist.
• Worried about the baby having something wrong that requires hospital stay or surgery
• Worried about being judged as a mother
• Worried about P.ost Part.um Depr.ession
• Worried about denial
• Worried about worrying
• Worried about my moodiness - mad at myself because I lose my cool and get moody - I shouldn't be moody, I should be elated, over the moon
• The more excited people get about the baby coming around me, the more freaked out I get
• Tired of being Tired
• Feeling inadequate, Overwhelmed
• Tired of my Sinus' taking revenge on me - It started a few days ago (had a few minor nose bleeds)
• Worried that We have to get the Baby from my uterus out and breathing
• Scared/worried about the baby items that are behind me as I type this

It's another week down. I have the best husband for me. We will do this together and we will figure out how it needs to be done best for us. I know this in my heart - It's the hormones and the Head I seem to be battling.

I am consoled to read that all these worries are "normal" at this stage. We will do this! I will STOP snapping at my parents, I will overcome this.

I don't think there is a fitting title for this post.

Thank you for the good thoughts yesterday – I am feeling much better today. It was a busy weekend. I need to remember to slow down.

Nesting – Here is an example of how my cleaning and brain works. I made dinner and I was trying to put the dinner away and put the chicken in the fridge for the next days’ dinner. I found old things that needed to be thrown out. Left over containers, half empty soda cans, etc. So at 9:30 I am in the kitchen pulling everything out of it to scrub it down “because it’s dirty”. Meanwhile, I have a house full of family. E walks in and asked wtf am I doing? He is laughing because he follows up with, hey crazy lady, nesting much … I had all our fridge contends all over the kitchen scrubbing the shelves… He reminds me that I was only supposed to be putting the food away and getting the chicken out of the freezer to go into the fridge … That I am supposed to be taking it easy….. So he helped me get all situated and back in the fridge and sent me to bed …. And told me not to touch anything else … go straight to bed …

Musings from my Mil so far
My thoughts

“Now you know why I did it so much” referring to pregnancy had having kids ….
No…no I do not know why, our situation is much much different

“I can’t believe that you haven’t gained a lot of weight, I gained so much weight at your age when I was pregnant”
That was because at my age, you were on kid #5

“When are you going to name this poor child, I can’t believe he doesn’t even have a name yet, poor baby is already being neglected”
No response

“I only had 2 kids at home for Easter this year. It was the saddest Easter ever. What am I going to do next year?”
OMG, the youngest is 4, the next one is 10 – tend to them, take them to fun Easter egg hut places instead of moping”

"Now that you know you can have kids, you ready for more?" Blank stare

Giving much unwanted assvice on how to do my lo.ve.nox shot, disapproving where and how my Dr told us to do it. Insisting that I am going to either hurt the baby or tear the placenta …. Seriously an awful awful awful thing to say to me … I ready try to combat my anxieties, I do not need others filling my brain with negative thoughts.

So many more … The vacation isn’t over and all that was only in 3 hours. …

That was a weekend of sorts

I been being to post this – someone asked what site I use to track things on my blog. I use this site.

Pre-paring for baby speak - skip to purple to avoid it

I should state that lately, I find it hard to make any decision. ANY … simple ones that really do not matter a hill of beans …. I just do not seem that confident decision maker I was a few months ago. E blames it on me always being tired and in a fog.

Ok so Friday night, we headed out crib shopping with a book of resources in hand. I should go on the record saying that I believe that many of these options/choices/purchases that present themselves to be made for preparing for baby are mostly lead and played up severely by the emotional aspects more so than then being absolutely necessary or vital. *maybe this is because I have much to learn or because this journey drug me across a few million speed bumps along the way to get to where we are. Aloud to actually make choices.* But I have been tryin to make decisions that are not based on emotinal and hormonal aspects and not because "all the cool and great mommies are doing it" - Sometimes it reminds me of being in middle school all over again and I HATED middle school coolness competitions.

Ok so we were standing in the Babies are Them furniture section surrounded by a few choices – we look over and found one that we think is a match. Then the waffling begins. It’s not the BEST … the BEST is $X amount of dollars. My husband chimes in that the lower priced crib will get us through the next ~2 yrs that we need it to get through. It is not a family heirloom we are buying and this crib will most likely never have another baby to sleep in it. It is not a death trap and will not affect his SAT scores. He reminded me that we were there to look for the criteria that “I” had listed on a sheet on paper and this crib fit all those criteria. (Thank God, for rational husbands) So after much “are you sure’s”, “will you be happy and content with is purchase”, we purchased the crib. It is now in my spare bedroom in a box. Cross another to do thing off my list. Here is what it will look like when it’s put together:




Saturday, we went to my parent’s house. E helped my dad redo the flower beds with new decorative rocks and such. I sat on the patio swing and read this new book. So far it’s really good and I recommend it.

Sunday – Well Sunday was supposed to be an eventful day. WE had a list of errands to run but the day had other plans for us. I decided that I wanted a salad from this restaurant. We have one located in our mall and I needed to return a few clothes that I ordered that I did not like – so it killed 2 birds with 1 stone. We went – we ordered, we sat, and sat, and sat… Well I made a few trips to the salad bar but .. People that came in after us had started receiving their orders, and we still sat foodless… I finally asked to speak to the manager and explained that we came in way before these people and still had no food or explanation why our order was taken longer – he explained to me that the kitchen was short and apologized. I explained to him even if the kitchen was short -shouldn’t people who were there first be accompanied before others – about that time our waitress comes RUNNING over with an order and puts it on our table. It was NOT even close to anything we ordered. I calmly explained that was not what we ordered and that I had enough and we would go somewhere else because we had sat there for 45 mins and still did not have the right order. He assured me there right order would be out in nano-seconds and that our bill was free. So the waitress went in the kitchen and came out with the EXACT same food she tried to deliver to us when the manager was there – I did not have the patients to gain explain to her that was not our order. She was all confused as to why I was aggravated and we got um and left the restaurant. I have never in all my #0 some odd years EVER just walked out. But now I can add that to the list of things I have done. We left and received better service here.. Not as healthy, but I needed some protein and dessert bad after that encounter.

Ramblins of Weekend Updates

According to my husband – I have developed an increase in hormonal reactions over the past few weeks. I cried when I burned cookies, dinners etc. Friday takes the cake apparently. I went to the grocery store after work and by the time I was done there were tornado warnings, torrential downpours, floods and just plain crappy weather going on the entire state. E called to make sure I was going straight home and getting help with the water and kitty litter at the store to my car. He would get it when he got home. The bagger gave me an umbrella and told me to go get my car and bring it up underneath their overhang and he would load all my groceries – So thoughtful – very sweet. I got half way out to the car and the lightening was popping an the umbrella flipped inside out.. So I was soaked…When I got home, I grabbed the cold/freezer stuff and went inside to start dinner. I bought one of those meals in a bag. Well apparently, I am crazy full of hormones because I opened the bag and just became enraged – I swore the bag o’ food was freezer burned. I was so mad. The rice in the bag looked like perfectly white chicklets – or like it had been Zoomed. I should back this up and explain that I tried to buy meat but all their meat looked terrible. (Now that I am typing this – I am wondering if it all was all part of this pregnancy delusional behavior that I am partaking in that my husband is laughing at) I swear the meat all looked like it was from bad cuts and fatty parts.. Just made me ill. So my dinner plans could not contain any of those meats - it limited my options ... E got off work and I requested that he bring home dinner because the meal I had planned on making was freezer burned. So when he came home in the rain with our dinner – he looked at the bag o meal and said that it was perfectly fine. … So he ate his dinner, and then cooked the bag meal. I tasted it, it was fine, he took it to lunch the next day. Apparently – I have lost it.

The crazy Nesting has begun - Then this weekend, I told E that I had to clean. I worked myself into a pure sweat. I scrubbed, vacuumed, dusted, laundry etc. I went to breakfast and asked my dad how much kitchen faucets cost to replace. Our sink in the kitchen is not deep at all and the spout comes out straight. If you are trying to wash pots/pans you get all wet and have to maneuver in weird positions. And quite frankly I am tired of it, so this weekend I bought a new faucet this weekend (technically my dad bought it for me but whatever) It’s bought, E and my Dad are going to replace it tonight. Along with the toilet guts. Our toilets have been acting funny and the landlord keeps telling me she is sending someone to “look at it”. I have heard that for 6 months now and am over it. (granted we don’t call to follow up – but should I have to ??) So I, (erm my dad) bought complete toilet gut kit and that will be fixed also. YEAH ..moving right along – we will not even discuss our spare bedroom/nursery situation. I have asked several members of my family to help me to come up with a better plan/arrangement for our living room/dining room area. No one will help me with suggestions. I think we need more floor space – but E and my mom are no help- they think is "fine".. Maybe I will ask my father about that tonight.

I found a consignment shop with plus size maturity clothes. I can not tell you how thrilled I was about that. I bought a pair of jeans for $10 and an outfit (top/pants) for $13 and I had a $5 off coupon I found on their website.

I check out how people found my blog pretty regularly. Saturday (or Sunday, I can't remember now) Someone frommy city googled "my full name". and found one of my very first u/s's. I will be editing that - weird

So as you can see – saving birds, crying over meat and cooking, cleaning, and typing this, apparently I am nesting and being quite loopy all at the same time. I already new I was not right – this confirms it. E told his buddies at work about my episodes - apparently they say it gets worse .... Let's hope not