Fortieth

There is a lot of Lent discussions going on right now and I normally do not feel drawn to participate by giving up something for the duration of the season. This year I have been torn.  I did not have that feeling like I was supposed to give up something but I did feel drawn to participate more than I have in the past. And then today, It became clear.  I am not to give up something - but I am to promise/vow something.  I am to take these 40 days and I am to focus on Organizing my house on a very tight/ limited budget.

You may think this is a simple task for some.  For me, notsomuch.  I am NOT an organizer.  I am actually too OCD to organize.  Weird. huh? If there is not a step by step picture guide, I start to over organize then the anxiety sets in, then I explode into 1 million pieces.  Or that is what my brain feels like happens.  So I end up going the other route ...ignore until I am able to come back to center.  When I am back to center, I am able to clearly see how to organize/visualize and get the job done.  (This is why I am a huge lover of Pinterest) Pictures for us visual learners/do-ers. 

I am going to push through, work on my anxiety, hopes it helps keep me busy and motivated.  Hope that our rooms and lives become much more manageable.  I recently organized the kids room (well mostly) and now, cleaning  up their toys is SO.MUCH.EASIER!  Everything has a place, The toys have homes.  I am able to find them.  The kids are learning to put things back where we keep them ... Yes, Organization Makes life easier... There, I said it.  And with that said, it made me realize that once it gets organized, It IS easier to keep up, and find things, and Maintain and all of that Makes my Life Easier.  Parenting is always in need of being made easier.  

So, tossing my vow into the well.  Here's to 40 days of Organizing and making a better life for my family. I am sure I will have many life lessons learned from this.  Are you participating in Lent in some way? I'd love to hear and support you and  how you recognize this season.

Moving On!

brushing off the cobwebs and dust to wish all a Happy New Year.  Yes, I know it's Feb 08.  Better late than never.

Things that are new around here .... uhm, I have a Permanent Address for the first time EVER.  This is uber Epic!  Never owning a home means that you have all kinds of projects to start (thanks to Pinterest) , furniture to buy, rooms to arrange, Remodels to Design, Kitchens to Equip, ETC .. This keeps me and my mind VERY busy.  and my To do, To Buy List on going.  It is stressful and Fun all at the same time.

I have so many blog posts in my head as we are carrying out our day .. Then I sit down to write then and I get distracted, or they seem blah .. So to jump back in, I am stealing a Meme .. Hope it's not lame  ..;)

A. Age: 35.5
B. Bed size:  Queen but A King is on my to Buy list SOON .... because some nights there are 4 people in the queen and it gets Cramped!  Very very Cramped
C. Chore that you hate: Folding/Putting away Laundry
D. Dogs: None.  I have never had a dog, but If the Boys have their way, We will have one soon.
E. Essential start to your day: A Shower
F. Favorite color: This changes over the yrs, I am feeling more Earth Tones these days
G. Gold or silver: I'll take both
H. Height: 5'7"
I. Instruments that you play: None
J. Job title: CEO of the Vann Corp.
K. Kids:  Yes please and 3 yr old Boy and a 2 yr old Boy 
L. Live:A very Small Beach Town, Florida
M. Mother's name: Kitty
N. Nicknames: None
O. Overnight hospital stays: Three. Heart Surgery, and for my 2 boys
P. Pet peeves: Passive Aggressive Any
Q. Quote from a movie: Do, or Do not.  There is no try - Yoda
R: Right or left handed: Right. 
S: Siblings: One sister 
T: Travel favorite: I loved Ecuador.  I'd like to make it to Texas and Canada 
U. Underwear: Clean
V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Asparagus 
W. What makes you run late: unexpected chaos/shenanigans from my children 
X. X-rays you've had: Teeth, Chest, Uterus, Fallopian tubes
Y. Yummy food that you make:I can make/cook most anything
Z. Zoo animal: Giraffe!


If you decide to do this Meme, Leave a comment so I can read your responses!

Basket Case*

"Do you have the time, To listen to me whine, About nothing and everything all at once?" - Green Day


When I started write tonight , this was the first thing I thought of.  I mean Where do you begin when you haven't blogged in months and have 10 irrelevant draft posts waiting for a purpose?  You end up with Bullets, That's where you end up. So, Here we go:

• I have been continuing the Moving On philosophy and After finding this book, I have been more diligent in staying motivated and found validation in needing to Move Forward and Saying More Yes's.  If you are looking for a good pep talk in a more sarcastic, less victim way.  I recommend this read.  
• This may have been the hardest year of my life thus far.  It seemed like I was forced to  deal with many of my skeletons, past skeletons, stupid people, and causalities of many times all at once.  I feel like I have put in many months digging trenches in the rainy season.  It was been an emotional, physical journey.  I have not always been graceful about it.  I have done more then my fair share of complaining.  I do feel that there was a period that I was down right depression and believed I was doomed and defeated.  I HATE THESE WORDS.  I HATE these feelings.   They baffle me and drag me into the undertow.  Some how, we dredged through. 
• In 3 days, I will have a 2 yr old!
• In 6 days, I will have a mortgage schedule!  We are under contract and close on the 29th! We could not be more excited. I feel very adult and proud of my husband and I. Surreal.  It feels like Such an adult thing to do.  I don't know why buying a house feels so adult, But It Does.  I has been a mind-bending process. 
• I got in some credit card/money troubles in college and it took Years to overcome these mistakes I made.  A few yrs ago, We decided that we would not buy anything that we could not pay cash for.  It has been our policy for the past ten-ish yrs.  So, Buying a house was so ,um, Not obtainable for us if it means we have to pay in full.  I have learned a lot through the process.  I feel like We(I) are capable of making better financial decisions for our family now.  
• I told someone the other day that the Thirties has been very kind to me.  I got to be a mom, I quit my job, My husband and I are living on a very tiny budget and we are buying a house.  I really am so proud of all the hard work that we have done to get here.  It seemed impossible.  We made it possible.  People helped us make it possible.  I fully embrace and understand the "It takes a Village.." mentality.  The village in which I grew up in extended themselves to my family and made miracles happen.  We all contributed, to make a home for my family.  Things are just lined up just as they should be. Families I used to babysit for, family friends,  Church Families, Local Community has all pulled together packed me up, moved me to storage and now have researched and contacted me when they heard of a house that needed owners.  It took a village to find this deal.  AND let me tell you, It is a Deal.  And I appreciate every person who contributed in getting us where we Are meant to be.  I feel like I was a few months ago, I was starting to practice the Pla.ce of Ye.s before I knew exactly what Be.thenny Fra.nkel meant.  Owning a home is a goal that I have had but poo poo'd the thought for so many years.  
• I shy away from all things unknown because they are Scary.  I think I am finally learning to embrace a new lifestyle.  Try things, I will know instantly if it is a fit for me or not.  My gut will tell me.  I acted on a gut instinct and I knew it was right.  I acted on a gut instinct and instantly knew it was wrong also.  I am learning to trust myself.  It is Ok to trust myself.  I am learning to be the empowering female role model I want to portray to the world, my sons and my friends.  I like THiS person much better then the Basket Case that dominated most of this Year.  I am constantly Learning ...... and Changing ... And That will not stop as long as I an breathing.  

*Song Title by Green Day

The one where I move on*

I think too much.  I over analyze, I plan it all out.  I go over the plan a bagillion and 11 times in my head.  I know all escape routes, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I know where all the restrooms are.  Sipping Cups, Check.  Diapers, Check.  Bobby pins, Paper clips and duct tape, Check.  What I am saying is.  I Plan .. Well, actually what I should say is that I Over plan.  Ok, I confess.  It carries over in most of my aspects of living.

I am a thinker. Yes, An Over thinker.  I spend a lot of time in the present but not in the moment.  I say the wrong things, or I say/do nothing because I am mulling over what I should have said, could have said, or did I say the right thing? What or how will I react better next time.  Did that funny (to me) comment get delivered in the right contents. Did I offend, OH crap. Maybe they took it the wrong way.  Nervous and Annoying  much?!

Do I have to admit that I like to please and be helpful.  I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose that matters.  I Dream big, I love big. But, I do not tend to live big. When I am stuck in this
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. phase, It affects every part of me.  I have been stuck in that phase for months.
It pisses me off so much. When something is on my mind, it consumes me, Until It doesn't. I am not exactly sure why.  But then one day/moment, I feel like I have come to grips with it and am able to move on.  But not a moment before.  I will Beat the worry and subject to a pulp ..Over and over.  I will mull over it.  I will work it to death.

I was reading a book this week and the main character had this uncanny ability to compress things (or oppress things- depending on your perspective)She had many burdens but she did not have a want to discuss them.  She could keep a Secret.  I am pretty much the polar opposite.  I am a talker througher.  Even if the talking is in my head (yes, I talk to myself).  I can keep a secret.  But not a burden.  I must discuss it until it is lifeless and overplayed.

But,  this past week, I feel myself slowing snapping out of the funk.  It's weird to even say this, But I actually HATE that part of me. O hate that I allow it to bog me down obsessing over it all.  It's like a skipping record that you can not turn off.  Funniest part about this quality - I HATE it in others and have very few patience over it.  I have very few patience for myself (and others) when I am in this phase.

And when I finally start snapping out of it , I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology. Somewhere between last post and this post, I just feel stronger. Well, In the since that I do not feel like I am going to break down and cry 23 hrs of a day.

Nothing has changed exponentially.  I do feel lighter, mentally speaking.  Today while preparing dinner,  I did realize that I felt as if I did lose some emotional baggage.   And, I am just ready to move on with life ... whenever that may be.

*did you get the Friend's reference? Did you?

Ripple Effect

 The Ripple Effect.

The other day, I had a conversation that reminded me of the Ripple Effect. I am stuck in a situation that seems to have effected every aspect of my life and seems like it may linger around for a while longer.  You would think that I am referring to Infertility.  Because we all know the ripple effect that is caused by IF, but actually I am not kicking IF in the shins for this one. Also, You would think that IF would have prepared me a bit better in handling the Ripple Effect, but apparently I am a slow learner.


My housing situation.  When the news broke that things were not going to work out to where we would be able to stay where we were renting, the timing could not have been worse.  It was a week before my oldest birthday party, the party was going to be at the house.  It was the week my husband worked 5 -12 hour days, and it was only 4 days until our lease was up and We would have to be completely out of the location. 


I was trying to figure out How in the world I was going to pack an entire house and continue to take care of 2 toddlers.  I was heartsick. AND I needed help.  I do not ask for help. I don't know How to ask for help.  I also don't know Who to ask for help from. Then a thought sparked and a ripple began.  I remembered that I was offered help.  A family friend extended her help over and over and I never understood what she was offering, Until THAT moment.  


My landlord and I attend the same church and apparently there were people aware that this event was going to take place - They did not Know to what extend but they Knew something was going to happen.  THIS is why my friend kept extending herself to me.  I sat in her living room and I sobbed while explaining what was going on and how I needed help packing up and how vulnerable and violated I felt.  We were wronged for No real reason.  I have a insecurity to being wronged.  It turns me to a blubbering mess.   She extended help to me and she brought help.  The next day, 4 of the most beautiful, kindhearted women showed up on my doorstep and we cleaned out, de-cluttered and packed up room after room. One of those moments you remember in time forever.  This act of kindness and generosity that was extended to me, jump started my heart.  They stayed with me until the move was done.  They are still trying to help us find a place to rent or buy and help us figure out what it is that we are supposed to be doing to move forward


This act put a few other things in motion:  It gave me the push we needed to try to get approved to buy a house* that I thought would be ours (which right now is not looking so hot for now, But will eventually work out), It also helped me decide to take over our MOPS group at church.  It gave me women to call for when I need motherly advice (which is what I longed for).  It brought me closer to understanding what a Church/Community is for.  It gave me a chance to understand that people are not perfect, can make mistake and can still be used for good.  This lesson was the one that allowed me to see that I was capable to lead a MOPS group, this most.  I was under the interpretation that there were perfect people running on the planet and only THOSE people were capable of leading a Bible Study. Not me.  Who knew.


Parenting.  The learning curve.  Oh 3 yr old tantrums.  They are bizarre.  a few days ago, a light bulb came on and now I and trying to be an alkaline in our 3 yr old tantrums acidity.  We tend to walk on eggshells around these parts wondering what will set the beast off.  And Once the beast ( the 3 rd old tantrums - NOT the 3 yr old) is in effect and going strong - how do we dilute it?!  It's been a good 3/4 months of watching these tantrums erupt and explode because I did not handle myself better.  And in this case, I may be late to this discovery but it is better late than never.  It may mean that we will all survive this less than fun phase.  


Friending. (a word brought on by social media) I am learning that much of life is quite simple and really does boil down to treat people with respect.  You never know what or who your actions will effect negatively or positively.  Sometimes it's by keeping your mouth closed and other times it's by opening your mouth and simply stating a simply hello.  We have opportunities every day to make a difference in the ripple effect.  It's a part of life.  I hope that am able to make more of a difference for the good. I am trying to watch what I say, how i say it and to whom I say it to.  Words hurt people, Feelings get hurt.  I have been a victim and the culprit.  I know that I cannot protect everyone  but I can be aware and compassionate and apologize when I need to.


It seems I am fighting through the current of all these intertwined ripple effects. I wish that I could just embrace and learn to continue on with my life while waiting for the ripples to settle down. I mean that IS what life is about right?  I have not come anywhere close to figuring out how to move forward AND wait ... It seems like a contradiction to me. But, Apparently, It isn't. It's Life.  That's.The.Point.  It's the journey.  


But, Honestly, This is what I suck at. The In between. I guess that sounds like I suck at life.  Which I know is not true, BUT MAN, I really do not like like limbos, and transitions, and waiting, and fighting to survive, and wondering when I will arrive on Easy Street.  I fantasize about life on Easy Street. I know that there is no such address but some days just less to deal with would feel like I am a few blocks closer to Easy Street. And that would give me a break for a bit.  I would really just Love a freakin' break.  It will happen.  I am told, It will happen.   And I know they are right.  It Will. That is what I need to remember.  Be patience, wait, display grace, Live Life Regardless.  Keep Calm and Carry on. That IS the point. Wonder how many more times in life I will have to revisit this lesson before it finally sinks in and I become gracious from it?


*the family friend that helped organize our move, just called me today to tell me that her son is going to try and buy the house that I want - but since we can't get our financing squared away, He heard me talking about it, went and saw it and now is in the works to buy it.  BLAH

What I meant

 My last post was supposed to be about how I suck at waiting. But instead it was sideswiped by "poor me" dribble.  This really bothers me that I somehow got railroaded by myself(or emotions) and went on blubbering instead of  staying on point about My Lack of patience.  This may very well be a 35 yr old temper tantrum - and it indeed does demonstrated how poorly I do Wait .... 

I majorly suck at waiting. That is all

Denominators

I stumbled upon a Dad blog the other night and sat in front of my computer screen reading and laughing while tears stream down my face.  (another funny post of his) Yes.  Someone that can take the horror and chaos  surrounding my life because of my 22 mon old sound like a stand up routine.  It made me feel good.  I enjoy a dose of perspective.  I always wish I was able to be this funny.

Oh, the 22 month old, He is at that "I do not now what I what but you should be able to read between the lines and make me Happy" all while keeping balance on the happy family/happy life scale. If you get the response wrong  - he throws things and shrieks* until he forgets what he want/thought he needed and moves on.  I have been (not always) Patiently trying to correct this response and teach him how to communicate with us.  and shall I even mention teething... Yes  More Teething.  Still Teething.  Still.  (he has less than favorable reactions to all tylenol/advil/motrin so giving him meds only makes the vicious cycle more vicious) We all just need sleep.  Sleep would help

*Oh the throwing and shrieking - things that my mother say are triggering her into panic attacks and crying spells causing her too much anxiety.

I also have been (not always) patiently waiting on our credit to get fixed,  We are at a point where nothing short of a miracle, substantial amounts of money and time will help. 

E got news that their most likely will be more of a promotion in his near future.  But there are hoops to jump through.  And we have to wait til next year.  As it is a timely process and he has not even begun the process and can't until 2012.  

Common Denominators - Patience.- the thing I am running out of. and  Time - 2012, I need you to hurry up because it looks like we will carry out this suck until you arrive.

A good friend reminded me the other day that praying for patience is diabolical - because just as sure as you pray for those, you get more opportunities to practice your already used up supply of patience.  2011 is proving this to be extremely true.     

All of this waiting and practicing patience has gotten my body is some weird stress place. Last month is was my mouth (and bank account) - I broke a tooth and a few other weird stuff happened.  But Right now, my eyes (and bank account) are suffering.  2 months ago, my left eye started twitching. And It hasn't stopped.  Last week, I noticed not only is it twitching but there is a lump underneath the eyelid.  2 days ago, My right eye now has this weird lump under the eyelid and the one on the right eye is obstructing my vision.  Our Vision insurance coverage starts in October, So I may have to go to a General Practitioner if it goes worse.  I hate to even type "worse" like it's tempting fate to "bring it on" .....  and that is NOT at all what I am doing. I am no longer in Fight mode.  I have fought all I can and I am weary.  Therefore, I am entering Flight mode

The Caged Bird Sings

I am always late to the book parties. I was not an avid reader when I was school-aged. If it wasn't a Gossip Mag, it had no interest to me. I saw no point. Somewhere over the last few years, A bookworm was born. I had to make up for lost time. I had to go back and read the classics that we were supposed to read for our summer reading list. Then I would always just ask for suggestions and go from there.

Last year, after poking so much fun at the twilight series, I was talked into reading it. I read the whole series in a week-ish. I was sucked in. I loved it. I can still be found daydreaming about Bella and Edward. No, not the movie version. the Book version. Yes, in my mind, there are 2 versions. The book version was so.much.more. The love, the fairy tale, the romance. All created by words and my imagination. Makes my heart all fluttery and swoony. I LOVE That feeling.

I finally jumped on The Hunger Games bandwagon. I cannot say that I jumped in w both feet. I was on vacation a week ago and I took The Help with me. I read that much faster than I anticipated (finished it on the ride down to the keys) and Day 1 into Vacation, I needed another book. The Hunger Game had been suggested many times, But I had no interest in it. Not even a little. But I went to a book store and found a copy of Book 1 for under $5. The second book was $8 but I decided that I would only risk the $5. Most likely I would not get past chapter 2.

I finished the first book in 24 hours. I went back to get book 2 and found it sold out. On our way home from vacation, I stopped at every store I thought could possibly carry books but found none.

Finally, we were almost home and I stopped at our store in town and bought it. I could not wait to get home, get the kids to bed and jump in. I am an addict. I could not wait each day to read more. To find out more of the story. I finished book 2 and ran out for book 3. I got to book 3 and noticed that I wanted to read it but I found myself reading slower than I had read the other 2. I realized, I did not want it to end. So I put it off a few days because I Knew that if I picked it up, I would read straight til the end .... and then what.

Well, last night I did just that. I put the kids to bed, grab the book and did not stop until the end. 2 AM. It is THAT addicting. It is That captivating.

Today, I got the kids down for a nap at the same. I went to pick the book up and remembered that I already finished it. Today, Right now, I am missing Katniss and her Crew. Have you read this yet? What did you think?

Street Cred

Bo.okFa.ce (BF) joined 2 worlds for me. 1 -Bloggers I support/received support from 2- people that I have met in actual locations. (keeping generalization simple)

When I first joined BF, I wasn't aware that these 2 worlds would collide. Then the requests started trickling in. I was in a weird place (just given birth, working out career plans, daycare vs no daycare, OMG I am pregnant again, Wait - I'm a Mom now, WHAT?! ...etc Definitively a Very New Life. I wasn't comfortable blogging nor did I have enough time to write coherent, mediocre blogs or be supportive on others' blogs. So BF it was. I thought it was going to be a new way to keep up. Over time, I found my share of things about BF that made it much less "fun". Blogging Was Fun, Informative, Educational, and Supportive. 99.9% of the time Blogging had given me such a rainbow and butterfly feeling or explanded my knowledge or understanding of something. Quite educational and entertaining. In a postive way. BF has become drab, trite, spiteful, mean, passive aggressive .. None of the things I had received when blogging. I naively thought that I could experience the same camaraderie that I received/gave when in a blogging community. But, There are Different rules and standards. Believe me, There are.

Since I have been blogging much more, I have been wondering if more people involved in my local life have knowledge of (or found) my blog. I am learning how to be comfortable in my life and by doing so, I do not make blogging a secret. I also do not make it a focus of conversation. If asked, or if on topic, I will freely "fess up" to blogging. I usually will share the url if asked. I think it's accountability. I do not mind. I just would like people to treat the knowledge respectfully. That is where it slightly weirds me out. Since I AM a worrier by nature, I Worry that things will get taken out of perspective or used against me.

This is where I beg reader to participate in comments. I am interested in your situation. Do people in your local life know you blog? How did you handle it in the beginning? How did you find out people in your local life found your blog or knew you blogged? I have noticed that many of the blogs I follow now have their own BF page in their Blogger Identity. Is this to increase exposure? Has this transition helped the comments on your blogs?

I enjoy good discussions. Let's Discuss.

Also, If you have not yet, Please go and read Stirrup Queens new posts about Blogging and Social Media.

F, A, M, I, L, Y, Part 4

This weekend we traveled to my sister's in laws town to celebrate my niece's first birthday. It was our first road trip with a potty trained toddler. WOW, the trip should have been named Tour De Potty Stops. Thankfully, there were major malfunctions.

Before we left, I had some doubt over this trip. I was stressing over the drive (My parents and kids in the same car for 5+ hrs), money for traveling expenses and hotel, staying in a hotel room w 2 children, hanging w/ my sister, Etc. My brain is always finding something to worry about. Most of the worrying is usually just worry itself. Nonsense, but hard to control, nonetheless.

We left Friday morning after E got home from work. It was also my birthday. It took a bit longer to get there then my father anticipated due to said potty stops for the 3 yr old tiny bladder. BUT, once we got there, we had a great time. My sister appreciated up being there and made time for us. Her in laws are very warm and inviting. (as always)

My sister gave Me and MT birthday presents. She wrote me the sweetest note. It was just want I needed to read and receive. Then after the party, she came back to the hotel we were staying at and spent some time with us chatting. It was better than expected.

She may have read my blog, I don't really know. She, and a handful of family and friends, know I blog and know about this blog existence. But since my hiatus, I am unsure how many still actually read it. But I feel that this weekend was not as strained as a visit as the past visits have been. I feel like we are taking baby Steps. That's all that matters, Progress. It felt good

Cute Baby Saturday

I found a new app for the droid call Retro Camera ... I am in Love !

F, A, M, I, L, Y Part3

Part 1, Part 2

My sister and I are 4 yrs apart. This never seemed to work in our favor and I do not know why.

As dynamics would have it, We actually had many friends that were siblings. It seemed that 4 yrs was a popular age spread at the time. We would get invited over to the same house or invite the siblings over to our house. There was the ever so popular 2 yrs difference friends, also. Stuck in the middle of our age gap. Of course, all this was while we were younger. Elementary Age. When everyone could play together regardless of age. I mean, who doesn't love to play dolls, "school" (we'd be teachers), house (we were roommates), make up dance and talk shows complete w commercials All recorded either on cassette tape or Vhs, of course.

Then came middle school - Honestly, the first most awkward phase of my life. I have written about it before. I have a fused vertebrate on the top of my spine in my neck. I have 4 to be exact. It does compromise the length of my neck. It is a blend of scoliosis and Klippel-Feil syndrome. I became hyperaware of it around 10 yrs old. Looking or acting different in middle school was not something that you WANT to do... Unless a group of the cool kids were doing, you tended to just want to blend in.

Luckily, I had elementary school friends that still remained as my friends in middle school. I cannot tell a lie, Middle school was hard for me. I was made fun of daily. (but then again, who wasn't) We had a few situations where my parents had to get involved (embarassingly to admit) Bullying is the word I would use to describe it now. My middle school days are hazy and glossed over. I am glad that I do not have to repeat them. Although, I have an understanding that pre-school is not even excempt from bullying these days

I some how made it through middle school and unto high school. My sister and I not crossing paths. Co-existing but not Co-habitation. We faught. A lot. Like siblings do. (or atleast that is what I thought) We had less friends in common. We spent as little time together as possible and avoided eachother at many costs. I was bitter and jealous .. She was the pretty, brainy, perfect one. I was the strong girl (with a chip on my shoulder) who could handle the world all by myself.

We never recovered from the fighting. I went away to college. Then She went away to college. We rarely kept intouch. She had her friends, I had mine. Just weird. We looked like a normal family. Our parents were still together and married. We had siblings, We did family things. We attended the same family functions that we needed or were asked to .... Nothing spectacular, Just normal. Right?, Right?!

A few yrs after I graduated college, I attempted to start dialogue with my sister. I would call but get nowhere. We would end up having the same ole bickering banter and end up not talking to each other for months again. Rinse, repeat this cycle to current day. A yr ago, I called my sister and poured my heart out to her and apologized for things I knew I did, and things that I did not know upset her. Mainly we had decades of bitterness and resentment towards each other. And we may still do. I begged for us to learn how to be siblings. I requested we keep in touch with each other. We both have children now.I want our children to know each other. We made an agreement to make an effort to get to know each other and keep each other in the loop. A quite honestly, We haven't done that. I do feel there is much less hostility towards each other. And that should be commended. But I feel as if neither of us have actually made the effort that moves towards having an actual healthy relationship. We apologized and we said we are going to find ways to keep each other present and relevant in our lives, but we have yet to DO that part.

This weekend is my nieces first birthday. I have only seen her once (for a few days) live and in person. A few months ago, My sister finally start sending me picture texts of her. This weekend, we are driving and staying in a hotel in her in-laws town to attend her 1st birthday party. I am excited for our kids to get to play together.

F, A, M, I, L Y part 2

If you haven't read yesterdays post, I suggest you read this first:

A few yrs ago (almost 7) my mothers mental health took a hit and after a roller-coaster of a year, she was dx with Late onset Bi-p,olar Disor.der and a yr after that, they changed the diagnosis to bipo.lar ii. Talk about shocking and pulling a rug out from under my feet. Early childhood, my mother was extremely "us" (my sister and I) oriented. She was kool-aid mom. Loved and encouraged us to make friends, try new things, learn new hobbies, genuine, busy. She Did it ALL. My father was in and out for weeks at a time. She showed us love. I felt Loved. Some where around high school age, I recalled that, although I felt the love and warmth from my mom, I barely ever remember being hugged, dotted on or kissed by her. (nor do I recall my grandmother doing these either)

When my mother's mental health erupted, My sister, father and I had to start questioning my mom's relatives for family medical history. We started digging and found out some very helpful information. We also found out that my grandmother is not capable of dealing with things that are not perfect. She chooses to pretend to be unschooled and dismissive. And I find that approach to life to be insulting and uncalled for. We found out from other family members that my great grandfather (her father) would have been dx with several mental illness IF they actually did that back in the early 1900's based on the things His children (my great aunts and great uncle) have shared w us. They have also shared that they think my grandmother suffers from some darker mental health than she is able to admit to, as well. My grandmother has had a rx for z.oloft for as long as I can remember, but we have always half-joked that she takes it like a tyle.nol or a ba.ndaid. Never ever consistent. I do remember around the death of my grandfather, everyone was helping her remember to take the rx properly for a period of time.

It has been almost 7 yrs and my grandmother still claims that she doesn't understand my mother's mental health. She tries to explains my mom as having frayed nerves and a bit down. We have explained to her over and over again that it is a whole lot more than that but when she wants to discuss it, All she hears is, she is tired, nerved and sad. No matter what approach we attempt, this is all she will accept. I have been short tempered and apathetic towards her less than helpful and accommodating attitude.

Then an A-Ha lightbulb came on. This description is how my grandmother copes with her own demons. This is how SHE feels. She does not even have the complex words to describe her own experience. She is not either being honest or capable with being honest with herself.

The problem with my grandmother's tactics are complete opposite to mine.I have this natural ability to be raw. Honest. Yes, to a fault. I have a hard time ignoring the proverbial elephants in a room. I see no point in it. I am not confrontational, I am just tired of trite,fake, people who are hurting are in need of help and getting overlooked. No one is perfect. Looks are deceiving. The grass is not greener. Some times life sucks and the rose colored glasses need a break and you need to be honest and deal with the matter at hand in order to get things right again instead of adding another vice or picking up more crippling coping skill to the mix.

I write all of this to admit that now my biggest fear in life is that somewhere along the way, I wake up one morning to find out that I was swallowed up by Late on set Bi-polar or Bi-Polar ii and stop being able enjoy the life I had before I went to sleep the night before. There, I said it..and typed it.

F, A, M, I, L, Y

Recently, Reading a few blogs that are participating in the Summer Camp and a few other blogs on family and friendship have had my brain stirring. Well, truth be told, these thoughts were already swirling around my head but these blogs sparked more dribbles of thoughts/concerns that I have had ever since I have created my own family and trying to establish our own family values and traditions.

If I had to categorize my family, we seem pretty average. Nothing more, nothing less. My mother,when I was growing up, was extremely accommodating, available, and very gentle but not a push over. She was a elementary teacher by trade but chose stayed at home after I was born.

My father, a commercial shrimper until I was 14 yrs old, was the fun but disciplinary unit. He would be gone for weeks at a time. He would come in for a few days and then load up the boats and go back out. It was a family business, therefore He would be out with his cousins/uncles and my mom and I would hang out with my dad side of the family (cousins, aunts, etc) or we would travel to the towns that they were going to unload their boats in.

When I turned 5, my mother wanted to pick a location to settle into. We had a house in North Carolina. When we would come to FL, we stayed at my Aunt and Uncles house. My dad's family seemed to be shrimping more in FL. I am unsure how the decision was made but after my 5th birthday in July, I started kindergarten at a school a block from my aunt/uncle's house in FL. Eventually, They ended up selling the house in NC and buying a house in FL and giving me a baby sister . (actually the same house my family is sharing w my parents now)

After we officially moved here, my mother got us involved in a very youth oriented active church. My sister and I both attended youth events there from elementary school age all the way through high school. During those HS years for me, I found it challenging to attend but was mandated on many occasions to attend by my parents.

Since my parents moved to us FL, my mother's side of the family never seemed to make time for us Unless We would travel to see them. Her mother was very upset/bitter by the move and still continues to be bitter over it 30 yrs later. My mom has 1 younger brother (5yr younger) that is very involved in his work and making his company.

So, somehow 600 miles has put a wedge huge canyon in our relationships. I can honestly count on 1 hand how many times my maternal grandmother/father, uncle and aunt have come to visit us in Fl over the past 30 yrs of living in this town. But I can verify w/ photographic proof that my mother (and/or) father took us every summer and Christmas until we graduated high school to spend time visiting our family. We did spend Easters, minor holidays and thanksgivings with them up until I entered high school and other things interfered with traveling. But Summer and Christmas was mandatory. Non negotiable - and no way we could get them to come visit us in Fl instead. As I got older, I recognized how 1 sided this had become and expressed my opinion to many. Feelings got hurt and some visits were strained and tense. In my college days, there were a mix of rebellious, different priorities, jobs, homework and a lose of interest pleasing one sided relationships. I did not go as often as we did as when we were younger and were mandated (by my grandmother guilting my mom for all her life into anything) to go.

I know it all sounds like a poorly written, dead end ramble but to me it made me realize things about my mother and her/our family unit. My mom has turned into her mother and allowing the same things that hindered my relationship w my grandmother growing up to affect our relationship and her relationship w my children. The expectations my mother has for my children are the same as my grandmother's expectations for my sister and I. They want them around BUT they do not want to be bothered by them. They want them to sit quietly on the floor and read or play anything quietly and orderly. Never getting messy or creating a mess. Do as they tell them to do and use their imagination and creativity....Quietly, orderly, structurally, politely and respectfully. Well they go about their daily tasks and interactions. I am unsure of WHY this is -But it is. And it causes the most friction in our relationships.

*apparently I have so much to say about this that I already am drafting 2 or 3 more blogs on this topic. who knew this would be part 1 ...too be continued

All around the Limbo World

Gonna do the Limbo Rock. Are you singing it yet, because this song and Won't you be my neighbor" are on repeat in my head these days

More bullets Because I still cannot make a coherent thought

• I wanted to do Calliope's Summer Camp .. I have missed 5 days, I may jump in soon
• I am STILL living under the roof of my parents and Nerves are getting pinched (everyone's)
• We are not saving as much dinero as I expected. (Car A/C went out, Repairing Credit, 3rd Bday, storage rental, upgrade cell phones/plans, eating out due to trying to give everyone space, having to travel to my nieces first bday and get a hotel)
• Hoping Time is on Our Side when it comes to having clarifications show up on our Credit Report
• Have I mentioned 4 Adults, 2 Toddlers Under 1900 sq ft and a Mutant Mosquito Infestation that is limited our outside time
• MY 17 yr old SIL - that was a FIASCO! She kept saying that My MIL told her that not all babies grow the same way and that maybe eventually there would be a heartbeat if they just gave it time. Again, a very touchy subject and lots of lies, nastiness and crap came out of a terrible situation. My poor SIL was bleeding and still would not give up the hope. I mean Hope that like should be rewarded and my MIL should be punched in the face for such delusional BS she fed my SIL.... We also found out that my 17 yr old SIL intentional tried to get pregnant w her 24yr old Live in Boyfriend ( they live with my MIL and MIL's 39 yr old BF - she prides herself for being a Cougar) Oh I could dedicate a whole Blog to My Inlaws

I have many blogs in my head but right now the loudest post is about social media. Let's see if I can articulate this:

I am just going to spit it out and work from there - IMHO, Of all the social media networks, BaceFook has seemed to have the most impact on the majority. As bloggers we already knew that some people misrepresent themselves on the internet but it wasn't the norm. We all knew that there were people following our blogs but there was still a lot of anonymity.

Bacefook came along and suddenly, everyone and their great-grandmother had a BF account and started making connections. Bringing to light that the internet can be "personal". We, as bloggers, also knew well before BF came along, that the internet can be personal and bring people together for a good cause and support system. But the average was made more aware.

My point to all of this is that BF upped a game that a vast majority did not know was being played. Nor, IHMO, did they know that there are understood rules to play/participate. So, there were plenty of people running around playing/participating a game they know none of the rules to. I am sure you can come up with some of the rules I am referring to. People became exposed to blogging..or the Underground as I call it.

All of this rambling to declare that I find an enormous amounts of Fouls being committed on the internet all revolving around a certain Social Media network. It gave a huge population a little taste and a lot of information that makes them dangerous.

I should state that I adore social media. I love blogging, tweeting, I enjoy supporting and learning - but I do not love being made fun of, back stabbed or judged because of others perspectives, ideas or thrill of voyeurism. For me, BF has made me more confident in the decisions I make and the fun I participate in and with whom I invite into my world. What about you?

Lot's of Limbo

Ok Where were we, Oh yes... Crazy landlords, Looking for houses, moving, planning a 3rd birthday party, celebrating Father's Day ....

The Skinny:

• MT turned 3 a few weeks ago. (oh how I have a blog about 3yr old's .... O EM GEE)
• We are in week 3 living w/my parents (but who's counting)
• everything I own is in storage except 5 outfits
• We are currently in the midst of getting financing for a FHA loan. And dealing with a head spinning process. "Since the economy took a dump, loans have tightened their belt and become pretty intense." - was the quote our bank keeps repeating to us. We have filled out more paperwork that I have ever had to do. AND if your credit is not Pristine, You have to write letters and document EVERYTHING! (and we have something on our report for a large sum that is not ours) So yesterday, I spent 6 hrs calling on issues/discrepancies, faxing, writing letters, and running to the post office. I think we know have everything hashed. But now, it's a waiting game. We have to wait to see how long it takes to reflect on our credit report. In the mean time (3 week period dealing w/credit mess) , 4 of the 6 houses in the area I am interested in have sold.
• I am trying not to get discouraged from all the financial hurdles, red tape and lengthy process. I am trying to keep my eye on the prize but Some days are more difficult than others.
• My children are just used to Mommie at home but since we have moved in w/my parents, there are atleast 2 (sometimes 3) adults at home and they are getting spoiled and losing patience's if there is not instant gratification. - It makes me head explode
• I have decided to take over our MOPS Chapter at our church. I am not sure I am ready for this but things had been leading up to this for the past few months. There became a need ago few months and I accepted a few days ago. I am not 100% confident in my ability But I am ready to accept this challenge. I am not sure what it all entailed yet either. I have a lot of planning to do to get ready too
• Of course, we got E's new work schedule - Which should not be called new because it is the exact same shift he has been working the past 4 yrs. Rotating me Butt! I am not sure their definition of rotating ....
• My Aunt lost her fight with Cancer a few days ago (Father's Day to be exact). After 20 ish yrs of treatments, surgeries, procedures, and experimental meds, She was taking from us. Honestly, I think she was the best person I ever knew. Genuine, and Everyone liked her instantly. She Really IS that great. The world lost a great soul and she will be greatly missed.
• We found out a few months ago (at her HS graduation in the end of may) that my 17 yr old sister in law and her 24 yr old BF were expecting. I swallowed a lot that day and told her congratulations. We got to talking and she was not exactly excited about it. So I offered an ear to her and told her if she needed to talk about things give me a call. Our relationship has always been strained. My MIL hates me and makes my life pretty miserable and has pretty much bad mouthed me to all her children ( she has 10). Since I cuold see that my SIL was hurting, I just extended myself to her. A few days ago.. The same 24 hrs that I found out my precious Aunt dies, My SIL called me after her regular scheduled U/S, the baby had no heart beat and the fetus had not been measuring at the ~approx 10 weeks she thought she was. She is using public assistance for medical help therefore the u/s was at the hospital and her dr was at the health dept. She was pretty confused, had a pretty crappy nurse and a pretty crappy experience. She talked to her mom and basically her mom is No help, and possibly causing her more harm. She is stuck in limbo at the moment ... Since it is public health, she had to wait a few days to get the results from the hospital back to the health depart., They have taken blood work (on Friday, Monday, and Wednesday and this morning) to see if her numbers are going down, but haven't gotten those results back yet either .. She is also NOT requesting them give her a definite. She is not really wanting to deal with not being pregnant or being pregnant .. She is so overwhelmed and I feel bad for her. She has called me a few times and I am just there to listen and I have to hold my tongue so much. So, I guess we will all find out on Monday. She is scheduled to get another U/S and get the results from all her bloodwork

Other than that - we are here, we are living and trying to keep up.

when things stop making my head spin, I'll be back

until then, I am packing and moving (to an unknown location) in 48 hrs

R E S P E C T, Find out what it means to me

You are not going to believe this:

Back story - I found a rental on Cra.igs.li.st over a yr ago for a house in the perfect location for us. Everything was just lining up the way we needed it. Then, the more interaction w the landlords, I started senses flags. Not enough to blow the deal but noticed that she has some issues. Then, I thought, well who doesn't have issues ... Let's work it through. I mean, how bad can it get ..... It is a remodeled historical home in a great neighborhood.

We ended up finding out that the owners attend the same church I have been going to since I was born. I was baptized, went to preschool, youth groups and was married there. They just relocated a few yrs ago and since I have had children, we have not been regular attenders as I would like to be. So we only knew each others faces. The wife is a licensed counselor/psychologist. The house was her grandfathers. We are only the 3rd family ( 2nd renters that they ever had ever)

We signed/paid everything and started to move in. For the first week, her and her husband would be here for hours "fixing things" and watching us move in and "offering their help" ... {Ok Whatev, just grab a box} ... Then they wanted to tell me how I could place my furniture... WHAT .....{We'll move it when they are gone} ...... Then, they started seeing things "they did not want in the house". Luckily, it was most things I could live w/o and there are 2 attached porches, SO we can use them out there. We worked around then for 16 days. They would stop by and "check in" {AKA SPY}... walk around the place and comment on where things were placed .. on the Function/Flow/Order of how we were doing it. What they suggested being a better solution, I kept repeating "We are getting a great deal", I will put up w/ this for a while and the newness will wear off and they will go away ........ (we have had a few other issues with them but have been renting a long enough time to know that there are always some renter/tenant problems everywhere - so figured we give it a go because it was mostly all Pros on the pro/con list)

Months passed, the daily visits become daily drive bys, they will pull out and put back my trash cans on trash days. Weekly, they stopped in to mow the grass. It became more bareable. But, As we always were able to remain friendly, the cordialness was strained, . We paid rent every month on the 1st w/o fail. We were never late. We have never broken anything, never needed anything repaired. never complained of anything, Had no issues. BUT, you could tell that Something was not right. They were not happy w/ us. The Wife has made MANY MANY MANY attempts to offer to come over and help me sort clothes, get organized, scrub floors, rearrange closets, clean porches, set up the house differently because she thinks the Flow I have is not the best option ... etc... I have laughed it off. It just seemed invasive and Judgy and I wanted to avoid that. Plus, It slightly offended me.

She asked us in March if we were going renew our lease. After a brief discussions and I found out that our old lease/rent would stay the same, We agreed to renew in June.

3 Days ago, She sends me an text message requesting a meeting to discuss her expectations for the upcoming yr. Told me to check my email there was a syllables and notes that we would be going over and She wanted me to prepare and take notes also. Asked if my children had a place to go so the adults come talk. I sent her an email back stating that I had an hr window on Thursday and the kids would be here

Yesterday, the meeting happened, She came in w a notepad and a pen. Her pen was out of ink so She asked if I had one. She told me that she was a Social Worker for yrs and a Counselor and she was coming in to give us a meeting, Like a Life Coach ..... W T F ...........

She also brought a photo album to help portray her blood, sweat, and tears that she poured into this house 5 yrs ago. She continued on reciting each and every job/task that has been done to the remodel including the price of each task (she has told us this before ....over and over again in the beginning) She kept interjecting the words respectful, and how we were not being respectful and gracious of her hard work... because in my words, My house was not museum ready. We Live In it. I have 2 children Under 3, a husband that works nights, Low priorities of keeping an outside porch swept off, and ALL toys picked up constantly.

She continued to explain how she has offered several times to organize and clean for me, but I do not take her help... And that is disrespectful..... She knows that I do clean, but in her standards, It is not the b est job that could be done. And long term, it needs to be done better. She went on and on about how she holds this house to higher standards than her own house. She needs to make sure the fan blades, porches, baseboards, are vacuumed and kept clean ...Dustfree .. (did I mention I live in Fl - the Hot, Swampy, Humid Dust bowl of a state) The grout needs to be kept ed white and mildew free at all times .....

I took a lot of her crap yesterday. I did communicate that she was out of line and if I was not the person that I am, I would have walked out and moved out on her yesterday because She was SO OVER the line and completely rude. But, I like the place, I love the remodels she has done, I pay for a service from her (rent). I Respect her by keeping the agreement in my rental agreement. I respect her every day when I keep toys that they would not allow in the house and I have to take me kids outside to play with them, I respect her every day by only using the requested products/namebrands to clean with that she only allows me to clean with. I respect t her daily by making sure no one wears shoes in our redone 1942 hardwood floors per her request. We do not roll anything over the floors, except a small ball here and there. I respect her by turning off the water and power to the washer/dryer every time I do a load of laundry per my lease. I respect her by dealing with a faulty water softener that she can not afford to get fixed every time I turn on the water ...etc... I could go on and on. and believe me, I did ..... I was very respectful. There was no yelling, a lot of tears and high levels of anxiety to drown out her screaming neurosis .. But I remained calm, respectful and composed.

My husband chimed in when she was getting out of hand and when I was about to blow a gasket and would help lighten the situation and we managed a very calm meeting. Bottom line, I told her that We do respect the nature of our agreement and There is NO filth, It may not look perfect and ordered BUT it was NOT filth, It was not hoarding, it was cluttered I have 2 toddlers and working husband and I am doing my best cleaning job.....

The result of the meeting - she thought that my "lack of deep cleaning" and clutter was being disrespectful to her grandfathers house and her/her husbands hard remodeling work and she Needs to come in 2 -3 times a month and make sure things are being clean. And if I want to renew, I HAVE to agree to this. (keep in mind June 1 is my renewal date - she is dropping this on me or i get out in 5 day) .. 5 days ... AND i have a planned birthday party in 8 days that I have planned HERE ..... I was pissed off... I was using all I had to remain professional and not let my emotions get the best of me.

I cried, I was back in a corner, I had to agree. I told her she was low balling and that what she just did was a dirty move but I would forgive her, I would move on and just co-exist. I requested that she give me atleast 24 hr notice when she was coming to clean ... I would agree to disagree, I know that she has a good heart. She says she sees me struggle to keep things clean, and keep things organized and she is good at that And that is the way she wants to help me - Even though I did not ask for help .....

She is right. I do struggle, No one likes to be called out, We could benefit from it ..Is it invasive? OMG yes. Do I deserve to be treated this way, Absolutely Not. Does she care, No..... Will it benefit me, Maybe. I pay rent AND get a cleaning lady ....... WOW WTF

So, that is where we left it. I was pissed off, She heard me explain why I was mad, She said she was ok with me being upset because this house is Hers and the house trumps my feelings .... And I am educated enough to know that If she is ok with that resolution, That is all I can say/do. This morning, I received a text that she wanted to come and power wash and clean our inside porch TODAY... I was Mad because she was NOT as all adhering to the 24 hr notice we agreed to. I wasn't even home. I was in swim class when I received the message, SO I didn't know she was coming over and by the time i got the message, she was already there. When I got there, I went out on the porch and bursted into flames .... And tears. I let her have a message about respect and overstepping her rights. I explained to her that I am NOT a normal renter. I respect my stuff. I do have pride in the things I have, and that we had an agreement that she would give me 24 hr notices. Since she wants respect, she needs to be displaying respect to me and my family. I was not a push over and she was not going to steam roll me. I made her cry. I THINK We have come to an agreement and she understand that I take pride in this house. I love talking about this house, I enjoy having people over to see the beauty of this house. I do not disrespect things. I am not a disrespectful human. Integrity means more to me than Anything in the world.

I had to go feed my children lunch and wait for her to finish up taking 4 hours cleaning my porch, moving around our toys, scrubbing the porch windows and concrete porch floor ........While I had to delay my children's naps until she could leave .... Oh the yr is going to be a ride!

A sweet friend of mine just moved to Joplin, MO a few weeks ago. "They were so excited about moving closer to family and they had just bought a new house. They and their five children were in the basement when the storm hit."

Here is a video that ran on the news in Ohio ( where they had just moved from).

I saw these pictures but NEVER imagined that I actually knew the people in the pictures.

My friend and I met in college and were hall-mates for 3 yrs. She is simply kind hearted and selfless. later on, after we had all graduated and joined m.yspa.ce We reconnected and found out that we had more things in common than a love for our college football team. Infertility, miscarriages, and losses. Yep. A few years before we reconnected, we both had experienced several losses. She, had already overcome some obstacles and became a mom, while I was still struggling to admit that we had problems. She helped nurture my soul and guide me in a direction that I needed to be aware of and open up to. We have kept in contact through emails and bookface. They have added to their family by her becoming pregnant and adoptions. She now has a happy family of multiple children ranging in age from 9 to one on the way.

They lost it all. She is asking for NOTHING but prayers. Her children were in the basement when the storm was happening and they are having trouble. In fact, there are grief counselors that are offering their assistance to families in the area. She is open to getting her children involved in such help. She and a few of her children are actually still in the hospital due to injuries from the tornado. (and she will be on bedrest for the next 8 or so weeks from the injuries)

A few of her friends have put together a Group page on Facebook. If anyone is interested in helping. They are in need of diapers for their youngests. I have an address you can send diapers to if you leave me a comment or email me (email is FarahBeth at gmail dot com) , I can get that to you. You can order diapers on amazon or diapers,.com and they can just ship them up there. Or if you are interested in donating money to a great family in need of rebuilding their entire life, here is that link.

Here is specific sizes, items that are in need:

Clothing:

Boy - Size 10 clothing Size 4.5-5 shoes

Girl : 7-8 Tops/pants Size 2 shoes

2 Toddlers: 3T clothing size 8 and 9 shoes

1 toddler: 2T clothing and size 7 wide shoes

Dad: Work clothes XL shirts and 38x32 pants (business casual polo shirts preferred size XL -- "Manly" muted colors -- no pinks, purples, peaches, etc.... He prefers flat front dockers size 38 x 32. His shoe size is 11 1/2.)

Mom: M maternity tops and M/L pants Bras 34G, Size 9 shoe

Everyone needs socks, underwear, jammies

Also needing:

Carseats

Toys

Cloth diapers

newborn baby girl things

Gift Cards to Vitacost, Walmart, Target, Sam's Club, Gas Cards. (Super Walmart is the only grocery store close to where they will be staying)

friendship bracelets

books

Size 4 and 5 diapers -- ALL three toddlers wear these to bed...so this is a high priority! Any brand is fine!!

Hair products for Girl -- No More Tears and None of your Frizziness

Headbands, hairwraps, and any other hair accessories.