The one where I move on*

I think too much.  I over analyze, I plan it all out.  I go over the plan a bagillion and 11 times in my head.  I know all escape routes, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I know where all the restrooms are.  Sipping Cups, Check.  Diapers, Check.  Bobby pins, Paper clips and duct tape, Check.  What I am saying is.  I Plan .. Well, actually what I should say is that I Over plan.  Ok, I confess.  It carries over in most of my aspects of living.

I am a thinker. Yes, An Over thinker.  I spend a lot of time in the present but not in the moment.  I say the wrong things, or I say/do nothing because I am mulling over what I should have said, could have said, or did I say the right thing? What or how will I react better next time.  Did that funny (to me) comment get delivered in the right contents. Did I offend, OH crap. Maybe they took it the wrong way.  Nervous and Annoying  much?!

Do I have to admit that I like to please and be helpful.  I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose that matters.  I Dream big, I love big. But, I do not tend to live big. When I am stuck in this
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. phase, It affects every part of me.  I have been stuck in that phase for months.
It pisses me off so much. When something is on my mind, it consumes me, Until It doesn't. I am not exactly sure why.  But then one day/moment, I feel like I have come to grips with it and am able to move on.  But not a moment before.  I will Beat the worry and subject to a pulp ..Over and over.  I will mull over it.  I will work it to death.

I was reading a book this week and the main character had this uncanny ability to compress things (or oppress things- depending on your perspective)She had many burdens but she did not have a want to discuss them.  She could keep a Secret.  I am pretty much the polar opposite.  I am a talker througher.  Even if the talking is in my head (yes, I talk to myself).  I can keep a secret.  But not a burden.  I must discuss it until it is lifeless and overplayed.

But,  this past week, I feel myself slowing snapping out of the funk.  It's weird to even say this, But I actually HATE that part of me. O hate that I allow it to bog me down obsessing over it all.  It's like a skipping record that you can not turn off.  Funniest part about this quality - I HATE it in others and have very few patience over it.  I have very few patience for myself (and others) when I am in this phase.

And when I finally start snapping out of it , I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology. Somewhere between last post and this post, I just feel stronger. Well, In the since that I do not feel like I am going to break down and cry 23 hrs of a day.

Nothing has changed exponentially.  I do feel lighter, mentally speaking.  Today while preparing dinner,  I did realize that I felt as if I did lose some emotional baggage.   And, I am just ready to move on with life ... whenever that may be.

*did you get the Friend's reference? Did you?

Ripple Effect

 The Ripple Effect.

The other day, I had a conversation that reminded me of the Ripple Effect. I am stuck in a situation that seems to have effected every aspect of my life and seems like it may linger around for a while longer.  You would think that I am referring to Infertility.  Because we all know the ripple effect that is caused by IF, but actually I am not kicking IF in the shins for this one. Also, You would think that IF would have prepared me a bit better in handling the Ripple Effect, but apparently I am a slow learner.


My housing situation.  When the news broke that things were not going to work out to where we would be able to stay where we were renting, the timing could not have been worse.  It was a week before my oldest birthday party, the party was going to be at the house.  It was the week my husband worked 5 -12 hour days, and it was only 4 days until our lease was up and We would have to be completely out of the location. 


I was trying to figure out How in the world I was going to pack an entire house and continue to take care of 2 toddlers.  I was heartsick. AND I needed help.  I do not ask for help. I don't know How to ask for help.  I also don't know Who to ask for help from. Then a thought sparked and a ripple began.  I remembered that I was offered help.  A family friend extended her help over and over and I never understood what she was offering, Until THAT moment.  


My landlord and I attend the same church and apparently there were people aware that this event was going to take place - They did not Know to what extend but they Knew something was going to happen.  THIS is why my friend kept extending herself to me.  I sat in her living room and I sobbed while explaining what was going on and how I needed help packing up and how vulnerable and violated I felt.  We were wronged for No real reason.  I have a insecurity to being wronged.  It turns me to a blubbering mess.   She extended help to me and she brought help.  The next day, 4 of the most beautiful, kindhearted women showed up on my doorstep and we cleaned out, de-cluttered and packed up room after room. One of those moments you remember in time forever.  This act of kindness and generosity that was extended to me, jump started my heart.  They stayed with me until the move was done.  They are still trying to help us find a place to rent or buy and help us figure out what it is that we are supposed to be doing to move forward


This act put a few other things in motion:  It gave me the push we needed to try to get approved to buy a house* that I thought would be ours (which right now is not looking so hot for now, But will eventually work out), It also helped me decide to take over our MOPS group at church.  It gave me women to call for when I need motherly advice (which is what I longed for).  It brought me closer to understanding what a Church/Community is for.  It gave me a chance to understand that people are not perfect, can make mistake and can still be used for good.  This lesson was the one that allowed me to see that I was capable to lead a MOPS group, this most.  I was under the interpretation that there were perfect people running on the planet and only THOSE people were capable of leading a Bible Study. Not me.  Who knew.


Parenting.  The learning curve.  Oh 3 yr old tantrums.  They are bizarre.  a few days ago, a light bulb came on and now I and trying to be an alkaline in our 3 yr old tantrums acidity.  We tend to walk on eggshells around these parts wondering what will set the beast off.  And Once the beast ( the 3 rd old tantrums - NOT the 3 yr old) is in effect and going strong - how do we dilute it?!  It's been a good 3/4 months of watching these tantrums erupt and explode because I did not handle myself better.  And in this case, I may be late to this discovery but it is better late than never.  It may mean that we will all survive this less than fun phase.  


Friending. (a word brought on by social media) I am learning that much of life is quite simple and really does boil down to treat people with respect.  You never know what or who your actions will effect negatively or positively.  Sometimes it's by keeping your mouth closed and other times it's by opening your mouth and simply stating a simply hello.  We have opportunities every day to make a difference in the ripple effect.  It's a part of life.  I hope that am able to make more of a difference for the good. I am trying to watch what I say, how i say it and to whom I say it to.  Words hurt people, Feelings get hurt.  I have been a victim and the culprit.  I know that I cannot protect everyone  but I can be aware and compassionate and apologize when I need to.


It seems I am fighting through the current of all these intertwined ripple effects. I wish that I could just embrace and learn to continue on with my life while waiting for the ripples to settle down. I mean that IS what life is about right?  I have not come anywhere close to figuring out how to move forward AND wait ... It seems like a contradiction to me. But, Apparently, It isn't. It's Life.  That's.The.Point.  It's the journey.  


But, Honestly, This is what I suck at. The In between. I guess that sounds like I suck at life.  Which I know is not true, BUT MAN, I really do not like like limbos, and transitions, and waiting, and fighting to survive, and wondering when I will arrive on Easy Street.  I fantasize about life on Easy Street. I know that there is no such address but some days just less to deal with would feel like I am a few blocks closer to Easy Street. And that would give me a break for a bit.  I would really just Love a freakin' break.  It will happen.  I am told, It will happen.   And I know they are right.  It Will. That is what I need to remember.  Be patience, wait, display grace, Live Life Regardless.  Keep Calm and Carry on. That IS the point. Wonder how many more times in life I will have to revisit this lesson before it finally sinks in and I become gracious from it?


*the family friend that helped organize our move, just called me today to tell me that her son is going to try and buy the house that I want - but since we can't get our financing squared away, He heard me talking about it, went and saw it and now is in the works to buy it.  BLAH

What I meant

 My last post was supposed to be about how I suck at waiting. But instead it was sideswiped by "poor me" dribble.  This really bothers me that I somehow got railroaded by myself(or emotions) and went on blubbering instead of  staying on point about My Lack of patience.  This may very well be a 35 yr old temper tantrum - and it indeed does demonstrated how poorly I do Wait .... 

I majorly suck at waiting. That is all

Denominators

I stumbled upon a Dad blog the other night and sat in front of my computer screen reading and laughing while tears stream down my face.  (another funny post of his) Yes.  Someone that can take the horror and chaos  surrounding my life because of my 22 mon old sound like a stand up routine.  It made me feel good.  I enjoy a dose of perspective.  I always wish I was able to be this funny.

Oh, the 22 month old, He is at that "I do not now what I what but you should be able to read between the lines and make me Happy" all while keeping balance on the happy family/happy life scale. If you get the response wrong  - he throws things and shrieks* until he forgets what he want/thought he needed and moves on.  I have been (not always) Patiently trying to correct this response and teach him how to communicate with us.  and shall I even mention teething... Yes  More Teething.  Still Teething.  Still.  (he has less than favorable reactions to all tylenol/advil/motrin so giving him meds only makes the vicious cycle more vicious) We all just need sleep.  Sleep would help

*Oh the throwing and shrieking - things that my mother say are triggering her into panic attacks and crying spells causing her too much anxiety.

I also have been (not always) patiently waiting on our credit to get fixed,  We are at a point where nothing short of a miracle, substantial amounts of money and time will help. 

E got news that their most likely will be more of a promotion in his near future.  But there are hoops to jump through.  And we have to wait til next year.  As it is a timely process and he has not even begun the process and can't until 2012.  

Common Denominators - Patience.- the thing I am running out of. and  Time - 2012, I need you to hurry up because it looks like we will carry out this suck until you arrive.

A good friend reminded me the other day that praying for patience is diabolical - because just as sure as you pray for those, you get more opportunities to practice your already used up supply of patience.  2011 is proving this to be extremely true.     

All of this waiting and practicing patience has gotten my body is some weird stress place. Last month is was my mouth (and bank account) - I broke a tooth and a few other weird stuff happened.  But Right now, my eyes (and bank account) are suffering.  2 months ago, my left eye started twitching. And It hasn't stopped.  Last week, I noticed not only is it twitching but there is a lump underneath the eyelid.  2 days ago, My right eye now has this weird lump under the eyelid and the one on the right eye is obstructing my vision.  Our Vision insurance coverage starts in October, So I may have to go to a General Practitioner if it goes worse.  I hate to even type "worse" like it's tempting fate to "bring it on" .....  and that is NOT at all what I am doing. I am no longer in Fight mode.  I have fought all I can and I am weary.  Therefore, I am entering Flight mode

The Caged Bird Sings

I am always late to the book parties. I was not an avid reader when I was school-aged. If it wasn't a Gossip Mag, it had no interest to me. I saw no point. Somewhere over the last few years, A bookworm was born. I had to make up for lost time. I had to go back and read the classics that we were supposed to read for our summer reading list. Then I would always just ask for suggestions and go from there.

Last year, after poking so much fun at the twilight series, I was talked into reading it. I read the whole series in a week-ish. I was sucked in. I loved it. I can still be found daydreaming about Bella and Edward. No, not the movie version. the Book version. Yes, in my mind, there are 2 versions. The book version was so.much.more. The love, the fairy tale, the romance. All created by words and my imagination. Makes my heart all fluttery and swoony. I LOVE That feeling.

I finally jumped on The Hunger Games bandwagon. I cannot say that I jumped in w both feet. I was on vacation a week ago and I took The Help with me. I read that much faster than I anticipated (finished it on the ride down to the keys) and Day 1 into Vacation, I needed another book. The Hunger Game had been suggested many times, But I had no interest in it. Not even a little. But I went to a book store and found a copy of Book 1 for under $5. The second book was $8 but I decided that I would only risk the $5. Most likely I would not get past chapter 2.

I finished the first book in 24 hours. I went back to get book 2 and found it sold out. On our way home from vacation, I stopped at every store I thought could possibly carry books but found none.

Finally, we were almost home and I stopped at our store in town and bought it. I could not wait to get home, get the kids to bed and jump in. I am an addict. I could not wait each day to read more. To find out more of the story. I finished book 2 and ran out for book 3. I got to book 3 and noticed that I wanted to read it but I found myself reading slower than I had read the other 2. I realized, I did not want it to end. So I put it off a few days because I Knew that if I picked it up, I would read straight til the end .... and then what.

Well, last night I did just that. I put the kids to bed, grab the book and did not stop until the end. 2 AM. It is THAT addicting. It is That captivating.

Today, I got the kids down for a nap at the same. I went to pick the book up and remembered that I already finished it. Today, Right now, I am missing Katniss and her Crew. Have you read this yet? What did you think?

Street Cred

Bo.okFa.ce (BF) joined 2 worlds for me. 1 -Bloggers I support/received support from 2- people that I have met in actual locations. (keeping generalization simple)

When I first joined BF, I wasn't aware that these 2 worlds would collide. Then the requests started trickling in. I was in a weird place (just given birth, working out career plans, daycare vs no daycare, OMG I am pregnant again, Wait - I'm a Mom now, WHAT?! ...etc Definitively a Very New Life. I wasn't comfortable blogging nor did I have enough time to write coherent, mediocre blogs or be supportive on others' blogs. So BF it was. I thought it was going to be a new way to keep up. Over time, I found my share of things about BF that made it much less "fun". Blogging Was Fun, Informative, Educational, and Supportive. 99.9% of the time Blogging had given me such a rainbow and butterfly feeling or explanded my knowledge or understanding of something. Quite educational and entertaining. In a postive way. BF has become drab, trite, spiteful, mean, passive aggressive .. None of the things I had received when blogging. I naively thought that I could experience the same camaraderie that I received/gave when in a blogging community. But, There are Different rules and standards. Believe me, There are.

Since I have been blogging much more, I have been wondering if more people involved in my local life have knowledge of (or found) my blog. I am learning how to be comfortable in my life and by doing so, I do not make blogging a secret. I also do not make it a focus of conversation. If asked, or if on topic, I will freely "fess up" to blogging. I usually will share the url if asked. I think it's accountability. I do not mind. I just would like people to treat the knowledge respectfully. That is where it slightly weirds me out. Since I AM a worrier by nature, I Worry that things will get taken out of perspective or used against me.

This is where I beg reader to participate in comments. I am interested in your situation. Do people in your local life know you blog? How did you handle it in the beginning? How did you find out people in your local life found your blog or knew you blogged? I have noticed that many of the blogs I follow now have their own BF page in their Blogger Identity. Is this to increase exposure? Has this transition helped the comments on your blogs?

I enjoy good discussions. Let's Discuss.

Also, If you have not yet, Please go and read Stirrup Queens new posts about Blogging and Social Media.

F, A, M, I, L, Y, Part 4

This weekend we traveled to my sister's in laws town to celebrate my niece's first birthday. It was our first road trip with a potty trained toddler. WOW, the trip should have been named Tour De Potty Stops. Thankfully, there were major malfunctions.

Before we left, I had some doubt over this trip. I was stressing over the drive (My parents and kids in the same car for 5+ hrs), money for traveling expenses and hotel, staying in a hotel room w 2 children, hanging w/ my sister, Etc. My brain is always finding something to worry about. Most of the worrying is usually just worry itself. Nonsense, but hard to control, nonetheless.

We left Friday morning after E got home from work. It was also my birthday. It took a bit longer to get there then my father anticipated due to said potty stops for the 3 yr old tiny bladder. BUT, once we got there, we had a great time. My sister appreciated up being there and made time for us. Her in laws are very warm and inviting. (as always)

My sister gave Me and MT birthday presents. She wrote me the sweetest note. It was just want I needed to read and receive. Then after the party, she came back to the hotel we were staying at and spent some time with us chatting. It was better than expected.

She may have read my blog, I don't really know. She, and a handful of family and friends, know I blog and know about this blog existence. But since my hiatus, I am unsure how many still actually read it. But I feel that this weekend was not as strained as a visit as the past visits have been. I feel like we are taking baby Steps. That's all that matters, Progress. It felt good