Fortieth

There is a lot of Lent discussions going on right now and I normally do not feel drawn to participate by giving up something for the duration of the season. This year I have been torn.  I did not have that feeling like I was supposed to give up something but I did feel drawn to participate more than I have in the past. And then today, It became clear.  I am not to give up something - but I am to promise/vow something.  I am to take these 40 days and I am to focus on Organizing my house on a very tight/ limited budget.

You may think this is a simple task for some.  For me, notsomuch.  I am NOT an organizer.  I am actually too OCD to organize.  Weird. huh? If there is not a step by step picture guide, I start to over organize then the anxiety sets in, then I explode into 1 million pieces.  Or that is what my brain feels like happens.  So I end up going the other route ...ignore until I am able to come back to center.  When I am back to center, I am able to clearly see how to organize/visualize and get the job done.  (This is why I am a huge lover of Pinterest) Pictures for us visual learners/do-ers. 

I am going to push through, work on my anxiety, hopes it helps keep me busy and motivated.  Hope that our rooms and lives become much more manageable.  I recently organized the kids room (well mostly) and now, cleaning  up their toys is SO.MUCH.EASIER!  Everything has a place, The toys have homes.  I am able to find them.  The kids are learning to put things back where we keep them ... Yes, Organization Makes life easier... There, I said it.  And with that said, it made me realize that once it gets organized, It IS easier to keep up, and find things, and Maintain and all of that Makes my Life Easier.  Parenting is always in need of being made easier.  

So, tossing my vow into the well.  Here's to 40 days of Organizing and making a better life for my family. I am sure I will have many life lessons learned from this.  Are you participating in Lent in some way? I'd love to hear and support you and  how you recognize this season.

Moving On!

brushing off the cobwebs and dust to wish all a Happy New Year.  Yes, I know it's Feb 08.  Better late than never.

Things that are new around here .... uhm, I have a Permanent Address for the first time EVER.  This is uber Epic!  Never owning a home means that you have all kinds of projects to start (thanks to Pinterest) , furniture to buy, rooms to arrange, Remodels to Design, Kitchens to Equip, ETC .. This keeps me and my mind VERY busy.  and my To do, To Buy List on going.  It is stressful and Fun all at the same time.

I have so many blog posts in my head as we are carrying out our day .. Then I sit down to write then and I get distracted, or they seem blah .. So to jump back in, I am stealing a Meme .. Hope it's not lame  ..;)

A. Age: 35.5
B. Bed size:  Queen but A King is on my to Buy list SOON .... because some nights there are 4 people in the queen and it gets Cramped!  Very very Cramped
C. Chore that you hate: Folding/Putting away Laundry
D. Dogs: None.  I have never had a dog, but If the Boys have their way, We will have one soon.
E. Essential start to your day: A Shower
F. Favorite color: This changes over the yrs, I am feeling more Earth Tones these days
G. Gold or silver: I'll take both
H. Height: 5'7"
I. Instruments that you play: None
J. Job title: CEO of the Vann Corp.
K. Kids:  Yes please and 3 yr old Boy and a 2 yr old Boy 
L. Live:A very Small Beach Town, Florida
M. Mother's name: Kitty
N. Nicknames: None
O. Overnight hospital stays: Three. Heart Surgery, and for my 2 boys
P. Pet peeves: Passive Aggressive Any
Q. Quote from a movie: Do, or Do not.  There is no try - Yoda
R: Right or left handed: Right. 
S: Siblings: One sister 
T: Travel favorite: I loved Ecuador.  I'd like to make it to Texas and Canada 
U. Underwear: Clean
V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Asparagus 
W. What makes you run late: unexpected chaos/shenanigans from my children 
X. X-rays you've had: Teeth, Chest, Uterus, Fallopian tubes
Y. Yummy food that you make:I can make/cook most anything
Z. Zoo animal: Giraffe!


If you decide to do this Meme, Leave a comment so I can read your responses!

Basket Case*

"Do you have the time, To listen to me whine, About nothing and everything all at once?" - Green Day


When I started write tonight , this was the first thing I thought of.  I mean Where do you begin when you haven't blogged in months and have 10 irrelevant draft posts waiting for a purpose?  You end up with Bullets, That's where you end up. So, Here we go:

• I have been continuing the Moving On philosophy and After finding this book, I have been more diligent in staying motivated and found validation in needing to Move Forward and Saying More Yes's.  If you are looking for a good pep talk in a more sarcastic, less victim way.  I recommend this read.  
• This may have been the hardest year of my life thus far.  It seemed like I was forced to  deal with many of my skeletons, past skeletons, stupid people, and causalities of many times all at once.  I feel like I have put in many months digging trenches in the rainy season.  It was been an emotional, physical journey.  I have not always been graceful about it.  I have done more then my fair share of complaining.  I do feel that there was a period that I was down right depression and believed I was doomed and defeated.  I HATE THESE WORDS.  I HATE these feelings.   They baffle me and drag me into the undertow.  Some how, we dredged through. 
• In 3 days, I will have a 2 yr old!
• In 6 days, I will have a mortgage schedule!  We are under contract and close on the 29th! We could not be more excited. I feel very adult and proud of my husband and I. Surreal.  It feels like Such an adult thing to do.  I don't know why buying a house feels so adult, But It Does.  I has been a mind-bending process. 
• I got in some credit card/money troubles in college and it took Years to overcome these mistakes I made.  A few yrs ago, We decided that we would not buy anything that we could not pay cash for.  It has been our policy for the past ten-ish yrs.  So, Buying a house was so ,um, Not obtainable for us if it means we have to pay in full.  I have learned a lot through the process.  I feel like We(I) are capable of making better financial decisions for our family now.  
• I told someone the other day that the Thirties has been very kind to me.  I got to be a mom, I quit my job, My husband and I are living on a very tiny budget and we are buying a house.  I really am so proud of all the hard work that we have done to get here.  It seemed impossible.  We made it possible.  People helped us make it possible.  I fully embrace and understand the "It takes a Village.." mentality.  The village in which I grew up in extended themselves to my family and made miracles happen.  We all contributed, to make a home for my family.  Things are just lined up just as they should be. Families I used to babysit for, family friends,  Church Families, Local Community has all pulled together packed me up, moved me to storage and now have researched and contacted me when they heard of a house that needed owners.  It took a village to find this deal.  AND let me tell you, It is a Deal.  And I appreciate every person who contributed in getting us where we Are meant to be.  I feel like I was a few months ago, I was starting to practice the Pla.ce of Ye.s before I knew exactly what Be.thenny Fra.nkel meant.  Owning a home is a goal that I have had but poo poo'd the thought for so many years.  
• I shy away from all things unknown because they are Scary.  I think I am finally learning to embrace a new lifestyle.  Try things, I will know instantly if it is a fit for me or not.  My gut will tell me.  I acted on a gut instinct and I knew it was right.  I acted on a gut instinct and instantly knew it was wrong also.  I am learning to trust myself.  It is Ok to trust myself.  I am learning to be the empowering female role model I want to portray to the world, my sons and my friends.  I like THiS person much better then the Basket Case that dominated most of this Year.  I am constantly Learning ...... and Changing ... And That will not stop as long as I an breathing.  

*Song Title by Green Day

The one where I move on*

I think too much.  I over analyze, I plan it all out.  I go over the plan a bagillion and 11 times in my head.  I know all escape routes, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I know where all the restrooms are.  Sipping Cups, Check.  Diapers, Check.  Bobby pins, Paper clips and duct tape, Check.  What I am saying is.  I Plan .. Well, actually what I should say is that I Over plan.  Ok, I confess.  It carries over in most of my aspects of living.

I am a thinker. Yes, An Over thinker.  I spend a lot of time in the present but not in the moment.  I say the wrong things, or I say/do nothing because I am mulling over what I should have said, could have said, or did I say the right thing? What or how will I react better next time.  Did that funny (to me) comment get delivered in the right contents. Did I offend, OH crap. Maybe they took it the wrong way.  Nervous and Annoying  much?!

Do I have to admit that I like to please and be helpful.  I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose that matters.  I Dream big, I love big. But, I do not tend to live big. When I am stuck in this
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. phase, It affects every part of me.  I have been stuck in that phase for months.
It pisses me off so much. When something is on my mind, it consumes me, Until It doesn't. I am not exactly sure why.  But then one day/moment, I feel like I have come to grips with it and am able to move on.  But not a moment before.  I will Beat the worry and subject to a pulp ..Over and over.  I will mull over it.  I will work it to death.

I was reading a book this week and the main character had this uncanny ability to compress things (or oppress things- depending on your perspective)She had many burdens but she did not have a want to discuss them.  She could keep a Secret.  I am pretty much the polar opposite.  I am a talker througher.  Even if the talking is in my head (yes, I talk to myself).  I can keep a secret.  But not a burden.  I must discuss it until it is lifeless and overplayed.

But,  this past week, I feel myself slowing snapping out of the funk.  It's weird to even say this, But I actually HATE that part of me. O hate that I allow it to bog me down obsessing over it all.  It's like a skipping record that you can not turn off.  Funniest part about this quality - I HATE it in others and have very few patience over it.  I have very few patience for myself (and others) when I am in this phase.

And when I finally start snapping out of it , I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology. Somewhere between last post and this post, I just feel stronger. Well, In the since that I do not feel like I am going to break down and cry 23 hrs of a day.

Nothing has changed exponentially.  I do feel lighter, mentally speaking.  Today while preparing dinner,  I did realize that I felt as if I did lose some emotional baggage.   And, I am just ready to move on with life ... whenever that may be.

*did you get the Friend's reference? Did you?

Ripple Effect

 The Ripple Effect.

The other day, I had a conversation that reminded me of the Ripple Effect. I am stuck in a situation that seems to have effected every aspect of my life and seems like it may linger around for a while longer.  You would think that I am referring to Infertility.  Because we all know the ripple effect that is caused by IF, but actually I am not kicking IF in the shins for this one. Also, You would think that IF would have prepared me a bit better in handling the Ripple Effect, but apparently I am a slow learner.


My housing situation.  When the news broke that things were not going to work out to where we would be able to stay where we were renting, the timing could not have been worse.  It was a week before my oldest birthday party, the party was going to be at the house.  It was the week my husband worked 5 -12 hour days, and it was only 4 days until our lease was up and We would have to be completely out of the location. 


I was trying to figure out How in the world I was going to pack an entire house and continue to take care of 2 toddlers.  I was heartsick. AND I needed help.  I do not ask for help. I don't know How to ask for help.  I also don't know Who to ask for help from. Then a thought sparked and a ripple began.  I remembered that I was offered help.  A family friend extended her help over and over and I never understood what she was offering, Until THAT moment.  


My landlord and I attend the same church and apparently there were people aware that this event was going to take place - They did not Know to what extend but they Knew something was going to happen.  THIS is why my friend kept extending herself to me.  I sat in her living room and I sobbed while explaining what was going on and how I needed help packing up and how vulnerable and violated I felt.  We were wronged for No real reason.  I have a insecurity to being wronged.  It turns me to a blubbering mess.   She extended help to me and she brought help.  The next day, 4 of the most beautiful, kindhearted women showed up on my doorstep and we cleaned out, de-cluttered and packed up room after room. One of those moments you remember in time forever.  This act of kindness and generosity that was extended to me, jump started my heart.  They stayed with me until the move was done.  They are still trying to help us find a place to rent or buy and help us figure out what it is that we are supposed to be doing to move forward


This act put a few other things in motion:  It gave me the push we needed to try to get approved to buy a house* that I thought would be ours (which right now is not looking so hot for now, But will eventually work out), It also helped me decide to take over our MOPS group at church.  It gave me women to call for when I need motherly advice (which is what I longed for).  It brought me closer to understanding what a Church/Community is for.  It gave me a chance to understand that people are not perfect, can make mistake and can still be used for good.  This lesson was the one that allowed me to see that I was capable to lead a MOPS group, this most.  I was under the interpretation that there were perfect people running on the planet and only THOSE people were capable of leading a Bible Study. Not me.  Who knew.


Parenting.  The learning curve.  Oh 3 yr old tantrums.  They are bizarre.  a few days ago, a light bulb came on and now I and trying to be an alkaline in our 3 yr old tantrums acidity.  We tend to walk on eggshells around these parts wondering what will set the beast off.  And Once the beast ( the 3 rd old tantrums - NOT the 3 yr old) is in effect and going strong - how do we dilute it?!  It's been a good 3/4 months of watching these tantrums erupt and explode because I did not handle myself better.  And in this case, I may be late to this discovery but it is better late than never.  It may mean that we will all survive this less than fun phase.  


Friending. (a word brought on by social media) I am learning that much of life is quite simple and really does boil down to treat people with respect.  You never know what or who your actions will effect negatively or positively.  Sometimes it's by keeping your mouth closed and other times it's by opening your mouth and simply stating a simply hello.  We have opportunities every day to make a difference in the ripple effect.  It's a part of life.  I hope that am able to make more of a difference for the good. I am trying to watch what I say, how i say it and to whom I say it to.  Words hurt people, Feelings get hurt.  I have been a victim and the culprit.  I know that I cannot protect everyone  but I can be aware and compassionate and apologize when I need to.


It seems I am fighting through the current of all these intertwined ripple effects. I wish that I could just embrace and learn to continue on with my life while waiting for the ripples to settle down. I mean that IS what life is about right?  I have not come anywhere close to figuring out how to move forward AND wait ... It seems like a contradiction to me. But, Apparently, It isn't. It's Life.  That's.The.Point.  It's the journey.  


But, Honestly, This is what I suck at. The In between. I guess that sounds like I suck at life.  Which I know is not true, BUT MAN, I really do not like like limbos, and transitions, and waiting, and fighting to survive, and wondering when I will arrive on Easy Street.  I fantasize about life on Easy Street. I know that there is no such address but some days just less to deal with would feel like I am a few blocks closer to Easy Street. And that would give me a break for a bit.  I would really just Love a freakin' break.  It will happen.  I am told, It will happen.   And I know they are right.  It Will. That is what I need to remember.  Be patience, wait, display grace, Live Life Regardless.  Keep Calm and Carry on. That IS the point. Wonder how many more times in life I will have to revisit this lesson before it finally sinks in and I become gracious from it?


*the family friend that helped organize our move, just called me today to tell me that her son is going to try and buy the house that I want - but since we can't get our financing squared away, He heard me talking about it, went and saw it and now is in the works to buy it.  BLAH

What I meant

 My last post was supposed to be about how I suck at waiting. But instead it was sideswiped by "poor me" dribble.  This really bothers me that I somehow got railroaded by myself(or emotions) and went on blubbering instead of  staying on point about My Lack of patience.  This may very well be a 35 yr old temper tantrum - and it indeed does demonstrated how poorly I do Wait .... 

I majorly suck at waiting. That is all

Denominators

I stumbled upon a Dad blog the other night and sat in front of my computer screen reading and laughing while tears stream down my face.  (another funny post of his) Yes.  Someone that can take the horror and chaos  surrounding my life because of my 22 mon old sound like a stand up routine.  It made me feel good.  I enjoy a dose of perspective.  I always wish I was able to be this funny.

Oh, the 22 month old, He is at that "I do not now what I what but you should be able to read between the lines and make me Happy" all while keeping balance on the happy family/happy life scale. If you get the response wrong  - he throws things and shrieks* until he forgets what he want/thought he needed and moves on.  I have been (not always) Patiently trying to correct this response and teach him how to communicate with us.  and shall I even mention teething... Yes  More Teething.  Still Teething.  Still.  (he has less than favorable reactions to all tylenol/advil/motrin so giving him meds only makes the vicious cycle more vicious) We all just need sleep.  Sleep would help

*Oh the throwing and shrieking - things that my mother say are triggering her into panic attacks and crying spells causing her too much anxiety.

I also have been (not always) patiently waiting on our credit to get fixed,  We are at a point where nothing short of a miracle, substantial amounts of money and time will help. 

E got news that their most likely will be more of a promotion in his near future.  But there are hoops to jump through.  And we have to wait til next year.  As it is a timely process and he has not even begun the process and can't until 2012.  

Common Denominators - Patience.- the thing I am running out of. and  Time - 2012, I need you to hurry up because it looks like we will carry out this suck until you arrive.

A good friend reminded me the other day that praying for patience is diabolical - because just as sure as you pray for those, you get more opportunities to practice your already used up supply of patience.  2011 is proving this to be extremely true.     

All of this waiting and practicing patience has gotten my body is some weird stress place. Last month is was my mouth (and bank account) - I broke a tooth and a few other weird stuff happened.  But Right now, my eyes (and bank account) are suffering.  2 months ago, my left eye started twitching. And It hasn't stopped.  Last week, I noticed not only is it twitching but there is a lump underneath the eyelid.  2 days ago, My right eye now has this weird lump under the eyelid and the one on the right eye is obstructing my vision.  Our Vision insurance coverage starts in October, So I may have to go to a General Practitioner if it goes worse.  I hate to even type "worse" like it's tempting fate to "bring it on" .....  and that is NOT at all what I am doing. I am no longer in Fight mode.  I have fought all I can and I am weary.  Therefore, I am entering Flight mode