Saturday, July 28, 2007

More Keyword Analysis

I can not help myself from posting this again - the keywords are way to entertaining not to share (except the last one). So here ya go:
  • TTC and Carrots - are you people being funny out there? Are there benefits to carrots that I should know about??
  • Fertilize your brain - Can this be done? Maybe I am trying to fertilize the wrong things
  • Can progesterone make me relaxed - I dunno can it? Goes against all i have read but who knows?
  • heavy bleeding then it slows down, i had positive pregnancy test now bleeding - UGH so sorry you have to find MY blog of all blogs - I am truly sorry

I am typing this from my new apartment. We are 90% moved out of the old place. I am dog tired though. My poor hubby had to help move ALOT of heavy stuff then go to work tonight. I know he is way more tired than I am. Poor Guy.

The BFP theme is running rampet! I am so happy to see that persistence and treatments pay off!! Grats to all the BFP's running around out there.

Also, saying lots of prayers for those experiencing miscarriages, seems we got a good bit of those as well. I am very sorry and I grieve with you. It's just awfully sad. Sending my prayers up for us all!

Friday, July 27, 2007

WTF ?

THIS seriously better be a rumor . I have nothing nice to say about this .... infact I have said F*&K about this alot today - I heard it a few days ago and thought it was a joke ?!!?!?!!?

Who said money can't buy happiness? Obviously not an Infertile

I have decided Not to take the clo.mid. I am at peace with this decision. I dunno why I am or how I really got there. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do not think my RE did all he could do with the clo.mid and my cycles. Granted, I only did 1 under his care, but I do not feel that he wants to monitor me more closely on clo.mid. ( ie U/S’s, hc.g trigger shots) Maybe I am being na├»ve in thinking that those extra procedures would have worked. I am a lil uneasy about that. I am just going to have to trust that he knows more about reproductive procedures than I do in regards to my body’s responses. There is no going back and He may be completely right about it. I may just not be responding to the hateful drug and I need something more. It’s not uncommon. I just like to live in LA-LA land where there are fields of strawberries and rivers of chocolate. Meaning that I was “hopeful that a lil clomid would grant me a baby. I mean, I did do 4 previous rounds of clo.mid with absolutely no results. He did diagnosis my PCOS and prescribe metf.ormin. I have to say, my cycles have been some what consist since Feb. Even this time on clo.mid, I ovulated on CD17 and got my period 17dpo. That’s pretty “in the middle” I think. I do not want to keep taking cl.omid just to feel like I am “doing something” and it really not be effective for me. Like going through the motions .. .But I really wasn’t prepared for the injectible speech either. I really don’t know why, because he told me the same speech in February. But he also told me that I could do atleast 3 more rounds of Clom.id. So, basically, these last couple days I have been gathering information and calling for prices in the area. At this point, it’s all about the $$. I only have 1 other option in the area. So I called their office to get some prices and LORDY ME!!! At my current RE’s office (with less than stellar Nurse Bitchy and stats) I can do 2 IUI’s (including meds) for the cost of 1 (not including meds) at the other RE’s office (with better than stellar stats). Can I say OVERWHELMING?!?! ….. I want the best for me – ALWAYS- but my bank account says that I can’t. See the dilemma? It’s a feeling of having to settle. I hate that feeling. I do not think that my original RE is incompetent. I have confidence that he can perform a simple IUI procedure, but keeping nasty uninformed nurses on staff seems like bad business practice. Although, I’m not his office advisor, I am just there for a procedure, and at this point, I do not think he could really miss it up royally. Personality conflicts, to me, seem tedious. Does it really matter that my experience hasn’t been complete enjoyment? I mean we are talking about emotions, lost dreams, a big dose of reality, and a shit-ton of money/time/energy. This could be the last step of “operation knocked up” or this could be the very beginning of more treatments to come. We have pretty much decided to stick it out with current RE because he is more affordable. Give him a chance 2 times. *** WARNING/DISCLAIMER ( I could regret this in 3 or 4 months and I have the right to digress at that time – there will be no I told you so’s!!!)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

CD3

My balance in the Universe has returned and I am doing much better - Sorry for the really long pity party I was hosting for myself- thank you all for enduring the painful read. I thought I needed a light hearted post, so here it goes.

I recently checked my recent keyword analysis and I want to help those in need:
  • For the Googler that is looking when to fertilize carrots, I assure you, this is the wrong blog for that. I am still trying to figure out how this whole fertilization works.
  • For the Googler that asks "If God is angry at me causing me to have infertility" I do not have any proof - this is solely my opinion but I do not think that God is causing anyone infertility because he is angry at them. Yeah it sucks but it's life sometimes and there are REALLY awesome people who will support you.
  • For the Googler that searched "Crack Whores": sorry to mislead you and I doubt that you will find any one my blog
  • For the Googler that "hates vegetables" - So sorry to hear that- I don;t like them all but i do have some favorites
  • For the Googler that got 4 +OPK's in a roll - grats to you- good luck
  • For the Googler that is taking CL.omid and still no sign of Ovulation on CD20, I have been there, done that, made a Tshirt. I am very sorry to hear that.
  • For the Googler that wants to know where the Sun rises and Sets in FL- boy can I help you out. Rises on the East, Sets in the West. Check here (go to availability and see awesome sunrises over the Atlantic)

Just trying to do my part in helping ... (and post a fun blog - its been awhile since a fun blog) Feel free to play along

The pharmacy called today for me to pick up my Rx of Cl.omid - Do I go get it or leave it be? It did for the first time, combined with metformin, make me ovulate ... Could it hurt, while I wait ?!?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Life Revolving around Cycles

If you haven't read my update from my Dr's appointment today, here is the long and short of it - Clom.id didn't work well and I am moving to injectibles/IUI. Today is CD2, I technically have a chance to get med's to me by tomorrow in time to use them for CD3. However, my husband and I have decided to sit this cycle out. We are moving, adjusting to a new shift, recovering financially from moving, etc. It would be a big rush fest to with moving, $$, and sleep deprivation. So sticking to the assive of many of my relatives and fertiles, We are just relaxin' this cycle. I will call my Dr's office and cancel my CD8 U/S and ask to reschedule next cycle. I have cried all day today - for many reasons really- I'm sad we are moving on to bigger, badder, more aggressive treatments. From what I understand from my Dr is that C.lomid wasn't helping my body make a high enough supply of progesterone at the end of my cycles to enable a pregnancy. My numbers should have been somewhere around 20 and they were at 7. I have mixed feelings about this. My Dr NEVER truly did a 7dpo test, only a CD21. So is that a fair assumption to make on his part??!! I asked him and he insists that 4-5 days would not have make that great of a difference and that it is unnecessary to provide with me progesterone supplements/suppositories. Being that I am not a DR, and there is alot of conflicting research on progesterone, I am forced to believe him until proven otherwise. (any feelings on this)

Another reason is finances. It is so hard for me to grasp that I have to spend more than $25 (a bottle of wine) to get pregnant - after 4+ years, and just when I think I have come to terms with it, I have to justify it to family member(s) and close friend(s). *who are not infertile* Then I start feeling sorry for myself and that leads me into a talespin. Is this a feeling that I will revisit until I conceive or does it stay with you for ever? Can't I just get over it. I am NOT one of the lucky ones!! Why can't people just except that? Some people require a little assistance. It doesn't make them broken or whatnot, It should make them resourceful and diligent. But instead it makes us impatient and not relaxed ........then why does this lead into the "just relax, you are trying too hard" speech??

My Dr recommends 75 iu of Bravel.le from CD 3-8, U/S and blood draw on CD 8, about 7-10 more days of injections, U/S and trigger with ovi.drel. Then IUI 24 hours after trigger. Is this all about standard? I have never actually researched meds, units, amounts times and such? I am just making sure this is all about standard. I am contemplating calling another RE's office and getting prices for their procedures. Our Insurance does not cover any of this, so we are on our own, like alot of people. At this point, I do not feel any emotional/financial/bonding ties to my RE and I am not happy with the way that office makes me feel at all. The Dr does a fine job explaining things to me - but over all I have a take it or leave it attitude. I chose this Dr because I was under the assumption that they comp'd some treatments, but after today's lil meeting, I know otherwise. I was trying to ask the Dr for pricing and I know he may not completely have them memorized, but shouldn't he make arrangements for me to speak to the financial coordinator?? He just told the scheduler to schedule me for an U/S Monday and told me where to call to get the meds. It just feels so weird? I am going to call back tomorrow and ask about payments and stuff... I am feeling very overwhelmed and afraid of prices.

My husband is the kindest, most calm man on the planet. I left work today early, came home and discussed our options at' nauseum and even though I am sitting out 1 cycle, I feel like it will be good for us. I do not like rushing into things. Starting tomorrow - that rushes me. I like to have all my ducks in a row and all my instructions understood. Plus, I would be moving while mixing/giving myself the injections and my husband really said that he would feel better if things were alittle more organized - and he is right. Also, I have an apportunity to try and find Brave.lle from left over cycles and try to save some money.

Well by this point, I am sure you can tell what kind of day I had so far ...... SHITTY, just plain and simple SHITTY . My eyes and head hurt from crying so much.

Monday, July 23, 2007

CD 1 (with updates at the bottom)

Full on CD1, complete with cramps, irritating people and multiple trips to the bathroom. AF is here and making her "presents" known about every 20 mins. A required trip to the bathroom is much needed to keep from any incidents. (anyone knowledgeable about clotting, baby aspirin, endo.metriosis, implanting disorder?) I haven't been diagnosised with endome.triosis but the more cycles I do not get a BFP, the more I can't help myself to ask more questions. Does Heavy cramping, nasty clotting/expelled weird tissue, MTHFR auto-immune, spontaneous aborter, frequent tampon changes = possible endo? Or is it possible that Clo.mid can make me experience all of the above. It doesn't happen every period, just seems to happen at least every other period - but didn't happen at all from Jan - Jun when I was on a "break" from Dr's and Clo.mid. (neither did Ovulation either though)

OK enough with the gross talk - sorry, thanks for hangin' in. OK So you are aware it's CD1. I made that lovely "got my period, need more cl.omid" call to my Dr's office today. The nurse called me back at 2:30pm, and I asked her AGAIN about doing my blood test on CD3 and CD21. *my gyn was doing those, and this Dr only does the CD21 and I am confused on why not more monitoring also why shouldn't I be doing 7dpo blooddraws and not just CD21 blood draws? My though process - I have PC.OS, I do not have a 28 days cycle (insert hysterical laugh here), and those CD21 tests are assuming that I do have a 28 day cycle and CD21 would be 7dpo - so why the hell am I doing a test based on the assumption of a "normal woman" at a RE office???? I feel like we are missing a piece of the puzzle. I truly understand that the normals out there are only given a 20% of pregnancy each month - and the nurse told me that because I ovulated last month, I only had a 20% chance also - and because I ovulated last month, I am being placed in the "normal" category. I have to admit, I'd liked nothing more to be NORMAL, but I assure you I AM NOT a normal cycling woman. She also informed me that my "clomi.d injectible" (smart nurse huh) would screw up my OPK results. I insisted that cl.omid was not an injectible and that clo.mid was suggested to be used in conjuction with OPK's and should not alter my results in any way, shape or form. I am dealing with Rock Scientists it seems. She also informed me that I was asking complicated questions and she suggested I have a Dr consult since I have so many difficult questions and I want to make exceptions to their procedures. SOOOOOOOOOOO, with that said, I have an appointment tomorrow at 8:45 am. I dunno if this is the right place for me, We will find out tomorrow. I don't know what else to do. I am not new at this, but I have not experienced any other forms of fertility treatments except clomid. I just need to ask a few questions and hopefully have him ease my mind. I am confused on why my gyn monitored me more on clo.mid than him. Why do I feel like some piece of the puzzle is going unnoticed? If I have doubts, why can't the nurse put me at ease, even if it is for 10 minutes?? Why do I feel like I know way more about reproductive medicine than this hussy of a nurse? I am going to run down my list of questions and any thoughts on them would be MUCH appreciated:

  1. Why am I doing CD21 day test and not a 7dpo test specific to my cycle?
  2. Would we be able to tell something more at a 7dpo blood draw that we would not be able to detect at the random cd21 blood draw?
  3. Why did the nurse say that progesterone is rarely prescribed?
  4. Why did your nurse tell me that clom.id would alter my opk results?
  5. Do you think U/S for monitoring and measuring my follicles would benefit or increase my chances of getting pregnant while on clomid?
  6. Is it possible to ovulate and release an egg that is not mature enough for fertilization/implanting?
  7. Do you think it is possible to learn something from U/S monitoring my ovaries on c.lomid?

I am tired of the tried and tried and tried method of wait and see. I am ready to partake in the medium sized guns ( IUI"s if that is necessary). I have done the wait and see game for 4+ years and it didn't kill me but it has surely has damaged me. I just want to maximize my cycles as much as possible - PLEASE leave me your thoughts/opinions/history - since I finally ovulated last month, do you think I should stick it out a few more months and suck it up and wait and see then monitor or Do you think we could learn something from a month of monitoring. I will have to pay out of pocket for all the U/S, injectibles and such but I am willing to do this if it means helpful information and knowledge to come for later cycles.

*** Update*** Kudos to my sleep deprived Husband who worked all night and showed up at the dr. office in time for the visit!!! The Dr. agrees that Clom.id at 150mg a day 5-9 isn’t cutting it. I am barely getting by and he totally agrees that I should be alarmed by my low progesterone levels. He agrees that my # should be in the 20+ range on that much clomi.d., but it isn’t. It was 7. He agrees that I am just spinning my wheels and wasting a lot of time/energy on the fat chance that my body gets its act together and does some kind of fierce extreme improvement in clo.mid …. I could not agree more!!!! So we are moving on to injectibles (brave.lle) with IUI as an option. I called the pharmacy that they recommend. It’s relatively affordable. I have placed a phone call into the Dr’s insurance coordinator because, our crappy insurance will not cover anything other that a diagnosis. I want to be aware of all the costs and see if we can start this month – or have to wait til next or whenever we have the money. We are in the process of moving and have spent a lot of unforeseen funds in the process. So, seems like I am back to square one .. I have another post coming – just need to stomach all of this first.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

CD almost 1

My period has finally started to arrive. Glad she didn't feel the need to be timely, I'd hate to rush her along. So, Yeah yeah, My dr office can say "i told you so". (but they better not ;)) It's weird brown, spotty, thick, and sludgey like (this isn't the first time - doesn't happen every time either). I assume that is not good and probably why I can not ever get pregnant, but the Dr's are never alarmed by this description. I should have known that my period was on it's way today. I chewed out some poor sales guy at pen.ney's today. We went to see a bed I found on their website. Just a FYI - you may already know this , maybe I'm the only one on the planet that didn't know- The stuff on their website may not in the stores, they are considered two separate stores ...WTF ???? It's all Freakin' the same name ... but if I want the bed I saw for $149, I will have to order it without seeing it through the catalogue orderer and pay $200 for shipping for 7-10 business days. And If I do not like the merchandise, I will only be refunded $149 + tax ............. Anyone else find that disturbing?? Oh I also should add that I was not allowed to receive the item at the store, it must be shipping directly to my house, which means since I work 1 hour away from my house, and I work during shipping hours, I would have to make arrangements to expect a delivery between 12-6. I SERIOUSLY HATE this store right now ... DOn't worry, I called and filed an official Complaint ... Yeah telltale signs of AF and I clearly missed them ... Did I mention, I really like this picture of the bed frame ... Gosh. What a Hassle.
On a more positive note: I am going to a mind/body class tomorrow with an ex co-worker/still friend. The class is for women who have experienced or experiencing IF. I am looking forward to this. It should be very fun and educational. Maybe I won't be so timid and shy - which is NOT the person I am. Get me in a crowd of women and I become this weird recluse hermit crab that wants to crawl in my dark hole and rock back and forth. It's very bizarre watching/experiencing myself doing this. It's insecurity to the nth degree. (just a lil side effect of IF for me)
I guess I am going to call my Dr's office tomorrow and set up the CD3 bloodwork and get my Cl.omid Rx filled and go buy more OPK's. Gear up for all the festivities. Oh did i mention, in my spare time, we are also moving literally 60-80 yrds from my front door now?!?!? What was I thinking?? It is a newer more spacious abode and I cannot wait to be full service living over on the other side. It's a 3 bedroom 2 bath and we are crammed in a 1 bedroom 1 bath now. My father came to the new place today and helped reinforce the closet shelves - they were pathetic. After 3 trips to that store with the orange/white sign that makes a killing on home remodeling, We managed to still not get everything we needed - so more reinforcing to do at a later date relatively soon. Hopefully, I will have all the old apartment pack up and ready to unpack the new apartment this weeknd. Oh did I also mention that my husband and I are on completely opposite schedules as of today also?? Yep thats right I go to work at 7 am get home around 7 pm, he will be at work at 7 pm returning home at 8 am ... Think baby makin is going to be a challenge or what?!?! We will get every other weekend together - think my ovaries will cooperate that well? AH the wonders of that thing called life.

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Aftermath

I just wanted to say Thank you BUNCHES for all the supporting comments/emails today - I am sorry If I missed something on any of your blogs today. I wasn't on the Internet much. (and my bloglines is doing something very screwy- anyone else experiencing blogs saying an obscene amount of new entries for some people?)

I took the day off from work since we are starting to move this weekend. (sign the new lease tomorrow) I figured I would get some packing done and just try to lay low. I called my Dr's Office to let them know the results and see what to do now. I actually called to get an appointment for Monday because if no AF, they are going to see me and do something about it. But of course, they insist AF is around the corner and I just need to be more patient.. HA PATIENCE ... I freakin' waited 2 weeks .. Bare with me as I go through the emotions - I know watching this process is cruel and unkind.

I tell ya, I peed on the stick all by myself this morning (ya I know your thinking, who else could have possibly peed on the stick with you) Originally E was going to hold my hand - but he was asleep and I had to pee really bad at 6 am - so I didn't disturb him - until only 1 line came up. I felt strong peeing on that stick. I felt courageous- facing my giants(or fears) or whatever. I just sled back in bed and told him - "only 1 line, lets go back to sleep". I was not eternally sad right then. Yes it hit me, Not Pregnant ......Uuuuuuuuuuugh, but I really think I just shrugged my shoulders. What else can I say? Can I tell you what broke my heart into pieces? The awful, sad, look on E's face when we finally did decide to join the rest of the world at a bright o'le 11 am. This took my breath away WAY more than just seeing one line - E CRIED! First time ever (well about IF cycles). Let me tell you, I know that alot of times, I would get mad at him because he appeared to be so emotionless about the whole topic/failed cycles/discussions and I would get so incredibly frustrated and cry, yell and rant about how he has no feelings invested into this ..blah blah blah. Well Today, I would have giving a trillion dollars to have that fight all over again because this time it melted my soul to a degree that may never fully recover from. THAT made me hurt!! I begged of him to "cheer up, least I ovulated, there is always next month, look at the bright side, {insert cheery encouragement phrase here}. I am SUCH the cheerleader - it's not for my own good at times. Inside I died alittle seeing that .. .... After that, we got ready and went to my
favorite lunch spot. Tomorrow we will be having my favorite coffeeshop and a treat from my favorite ice cream shop. The 10 lbs I lost this month will probably be put back on in one weekend - FOR SHAME- but on Monday, I will put on my big girl panties and deal - I am taking this weekend to be selfish and pitiful! And I'm just fine with that. I was in the shower today and I actually think I cried for 30 seconds. I keep wondering in my head: Is this a good thing that I am sort of OK with this all and deep down I expected this, or is it a bad thing that I am sort of OK with this all and deep down I expected this??? Should I be a big pile of flesh, faced down sobbing my eyes out? Should I at least shed more than 1 tear from each eye? Have I gotten that used to {this} feeling? Is that normal? Gosh, does everyone else talk to themselves? Am I emotionally unattached now? Am I dealing with this or denying how I feel? What is God trying to teach me? Is God trying to teach me? Am I just not listening? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anythng wrong? Is it time to be more aggressive? Is clomid not going to work for me? If I ovulated and I KNOW we "timed" it right, what else is wrong? Is there something else wrong? Do I think it's possible for my DR to get me to ovulate again next cycle? I need alcohol?! Yes, I think SO! Turn brain off now ..

I assume this is All normal and copacetic ... Wishing all the rest of the 2WW'ers Lots of luck and blessings. Thank you once again for every one's kind thoughts/comments/prayers/chicken dances/emails... We will rinse and repeat next cycle

Sorry for the Delay

It's a bfn. Guess I just wait for my period to show. If it doesn't show by Monday my RE said they would do a blood test and then go from there. Honestly, I am not even sad yet. It may hit later. It feels so anti-climatic.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

T - 36 hours

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Not much to say - Still have Boat loads of hope and 1 more day to go. My husband said that we would test together on Friday Morning - thank gawd he has off that morning. He had a dream the other night and said he has a "feeling" that things are about to change drastically ..... Boy I hope he means in the + sign kinda way ... Because we are moving in 11 days (up 2 buildings), and his work schedule is drastically changing (IMHO) .. SO yes this are gonna change ... but man 'o' man did that get me thinking and letting my brain run wild with that idea. OK , OK back to reality, T - 36 hours .. and counting. I am actually excited to get to POAS at the moment. I'm feeling energized .. Those chicken dances, goood thoughts, stone rubbings, well wishes, etc. are definitely being felt - Thank you - thank you very much - I have alot of commenting and encouraging to do to repay all of y'all.

Monday, July 16, 2007

First Off - THANK YOU so much for the wonderful birthday wishes. I had such a great time out to dinner 2 nights in a row. It's really been fantastic. On to more serious business:

Well many of you have asked: I pee on a stick Jul 20th. That is 14 dpo. (a day before my mothers bday) I should tell you that I am terrified beyond words. Seriously, I think I just found a new phobia - POASaphobia - Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket First off, I should mention that I am freaked out and completely tortured by those damn sticks. I really really, really despise them. It's like a very sick Chinese water torture device for me. They have been nothing but trouble for me. I do not understand how you women that pee on them regularly have the strength - I'm envious. I just can not bring myself to do that. If I am absolutely ordered by a dr - then I do it unwilling and usually crying. I have gotten 1 bfp is my lifetime (2002) from a stick only to go running to the DR office the very next day for the Dr to look at me like I have 2 or 3 heads. "Honey, your hcg lvl is a (insert insanely low number here), how many days ago was your period?" NEVER a good question especially if your last period was 2 months ago. I was exposed to this lil thing called chemical pregnancy and the word viable and ALOT of crap that comes along for the ride when you first learn that sex + positive pregnancy test does not always = healthy baby in 9 months. My next experience was "crap, I'm 3 weeks late, I should take a test (yea I was a slow learner with all of this ------ actually I wasn't a slow learner, as much as a slow acceptor) .... bfn, and lots more bfn's to follow. Then came alot of stress, weight and depression. Next, I was at work and I had missed my period, but at that point, what's the point on peeing on sticks, they are always negative and make AF slow up minutes upon peeing on them. I started bleeding REALLY bad and heavy and all over the place quite messy, my friend drove me to the ER (2005) and sure enough - another Chemical pregnancy - YES i was still young and completely foolish and at fault for not taking my health more seriously. I was still new and young and naive about all of the world of Infertility. I Should be ashamed of myself for admitting all of this, but I was under the impression that God knew what he was doing and I just had to trust more or have more faith or some how I made God mad at me.. yes once again .. young, foolish, stupid ... I have come ALONG way from that girl(even though its not that far back). Which brings us to present time and there you have it... I'm a COWARD.... I can not stand the thought of even seeing a pregnancy test. The mere thought of only seeing one line ...... It does something terrible to my soul (as many of you can relate). I was/am that person who would rather not know and still have hope, than to know and have no hope. This type of attitude has gotten me in bad situations (as you can tell from the above statements). Regardless, Dr's orders, I have to just DO IT. Many people are POAS-aholics, why do I always have to be difficult???? My father has always told me that I make things So much harder on myself than I should.. Is that a genetic trait..can I at least blame that on family genetics?? Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase ...Well, the day is approaching soon, and I ask that you pray, do a chicken dance, or whatever thing you do for strength. Because I desperately need it. I want to have the courage and strength to pull thru and pee on that stick. It's really embarrassing to admit that this is quite debilitating for me. (please do not think that I do not want to be pregnant - I do ..i really do- I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal)

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Hope is creeping in ..lots of TMI. not for the weak stomach

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9dpo - symptoms:

  • peeing has increased through-out the week. (increased 2 fold today) I have had to wake up in the night several nights in a row now to use the restroom.

  • My chest goes from hurting like burning to not hurting at all. It tends to hurt more in the morning and evening (also sign of AF I've been told?)

  • cramp-like stuffs that come and go in waves, twinges deep in my tummy area (could be related to AF?)

  • feeling bloated (could be AF related?)

  • weird wet gooey cm a few days ago - then thicker,whiter cm once (clom.id related?)

  • sleepiness in the AM and towards the evenings around 4:30-6 ish, (AF related?)

  • headaches the past couple days late in the evenings (AF related?), i felt dizzy yesterday, we were driving in the car and I got really motion sick (probably hungry)

there ya go - I know I shouldn't be getting my hopes up .. but I am. Also, I just really wanted to document what I have been feeling. (in hopes i can stop being hyper-aware and letting it go) I have been doing breathing exercises to try and remain calm and lessen the anticipation. I have been saying many prayers when I start to get my thoughts rolling and swirling around. I am trying to and remain focused and relaxed. Lots of bjewel'd 2 playing - it makes my mind numb.

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My father and E are taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday. I am looking forward to that - maybe I might even get a brownie sunday or something.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Kids Incorporated:

Bring back the 80's ... Who knew she'd be singing about lady humps 20 yrs later. If you want more search for kids incorp. on Utube ... major entertainment. Wish I could post them all

Tomorrow, Odds decrease more

I will be 31 tomorrow. Who would have thought that I would have to race against time?!?!?! My husband is finally gotten very cheerful and hopeful for this cycle. He has added alot more of himself emotionally into this cycle more than any other cycle. I dunno if it's because he is changing work shifts and it will be more difficult to perform sexy-times on demand, or the new discovery of ovulating, or the reality of the $$'s that IUI's are going to cost us if our Clom.id cycles do not provide us with a BFP. Our insurance does not cover IUI's. When we discussed how much each procedure was going to be for a IUI, I could see the "HOLY SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME" look on his face. He panicked. My husband is very frugal and buying fruit that is already cut up is a struggle for him to understand. He does not "encourage convenience for dollars". What ever that means... Ok back to the reasoon I am posting: I just wanted to share the text messages that have been going through our cellphone service over the past few days:

From E: C'mon uterus 6 more days til POAS
My response: Hahahahah you are cracking me up ..but seriously Uterus better be on our team

From E:I hope the boobs are feeling more plumb and sore
My response: Some moments yes , some moments No .. still holding out that it is a good sign

Me: 5 more days to go
E's Response: GO GO Uterus

Things that autofill in my cell phone: Clom.id, Prog.esterone, HCG, dildo-cam, Uterus, Bloodwork, needles, metformin, ovulating, boobs, implant(ation), swimmers, spermies, eggs, follies, ..etc
Entertain me, what are some words that autofill from your cell phone text messages?

Thursday, July 12, 2007

More Distractions and My brain on drugs

I hope I didn't offend anyone yesterday. I left a large part out because it just was not for me to blog about - yeah I know that's self censorship- but some time's it's really necessary. I didn't just discover my feelings for secondary infertility from the Resolve meeting. This has been a work in progress over the whole IF ride. It just seemed to become very developed last night at the meeting and made me hyper-aware of some inner and outward struggles about the topic as well. It wasn't the topic of 2nd infertility that made me feel uncomfortable at the Resolve meeting at all. In fact, it was just the opposite. It opened my eyes to a bigger picture and made me more aware of the emotions that go along with wanting something and down right having to experience hell to try and achieve it. I stand by my infertility is infertility regardless theory. I wish I could clarify more but I do not feel at liberty to clear it up right now - so it's just going to be clear as mud for some of you and I apologize. Just KNOW that I have come along way from the person that I was when I started my TTC journey and even though, I still do not have a child(ren), I feel blessed to know/read/be supported by as many of you as I am. *being male, mother of many/few/one, mother of furbabies, wive, sister, daughter, fathers, sons, children, or anything that i left off* It has really opened my eyes and my heart. It has made me feel less like an outsider and at the same time feel like I am an infertility virgin. I feel like we haven't done anything evasive enough to consider myself worthy of being on the team with all of you Warriors. I mean, I have been exposed to Clomid ... There aren't daily needles involved. No timed injections had to be conducted in the Interstate Reststop bathroom (or any other totally weird place that you phenominal woman have been humbled to perform such acts). Reading many of your blogs allow me to see that If/when i dO have to experience another type of treatment, I have plenty of people to consult with. That is a fantabulous feeling.

I have this brain/mouth disorder that really needs to find a filter for many occasions in my life. (Which means I end up having to apologize often or wishing I could go back in time and take things I said back) Some people are more willing to accept my apology then others - but that is life - and I can only try to do better. This is one of the positive lessons that I have taken with me from all of this infertility experience. I also, am not a fantastic writer. In fact, math and science are my top subjects. I was never descriptive enough . I do not have a vast knowledge of vocabulary words. I think the Vocab/English portion of my SAT was quite laughable. If I told some of my friends that I blog, they would be in hysterics because, I hated writing in school. I was never able to "Express myself well enough" in writing or real life matters. My grammar and proofreading ability blows. I always had red pen marks drawn all over my papers. (should I admit my mother has a degree in English - I know I do not make her proud from my writings) But, I have found over the months that, this is very therapeutic for my mind. I am not a touchy feeling person and this has allowed me to experience my emotions is has much as I possibly can. (mostly from reading others who are much better at writing about their feelings than I am - or from the kind and generous people who leave comments that always help). * I didn't mean for this to become a long winded post, welcome to my brain on fertility drugs * I wish everyone a wonderful and safe weekend

Resolve and The Rambling's of my head

I went to my very first resolve meeting last night. We addressed an issue in great lengths, Secondary Infertility- I ashamedly admit, in the past, I was on the "you have 1 kid you should be grateful" bandwagon. But recently, I have found strength in numbers and encouraging energy from those that crossed over from Primary Infertility to Infertility after baby 1. Infertility is Infertility regardless. There are some women that have never seen a positive pregnancy test and there are some that have experienced many miscarriages. All of our stories are not exactly alike, but our emotions are. It's all a journey and we all need each other’s strengths, hopes, stories for encouragement and to help provide a glimmer of hope on a very lonely and depressing time. It is much better to support each other through all of this and use this situation as an opportunity for healing, learning and education. We all have "different" parts that make the struggles and journeys different that play into the big picture but there is something to learn from everyone. Since we are all suffering from Infertility, we all know that you have to be open to options. Because, frankly, that is what "this" is all about. Options ... and through all these options, I have allowed myself to learn patience and tolerance, and walk softer and have my ears more open. It doesn't mean that I do not "hurt" less. I now think about Infertility this way: Depression(or fill in the blank with any sickness/disease/medical phenomenon) - there are MANY numerous causes/treatments of depression. The common bond between 2 people that have depression isn't want gets them to the depression diagnosis – it’s the actual diagnosis. IF is exactly like this ... we are all struggling with the same diagnosis, not the same journey. As tough of a message as that was for me, it allowed me to be more open and honest with myself and my feelings, instead of always turning it into bitter and jealousy. I just want some peace in the very painful situation.

First impressions are rough and the Resolve meeting didn't make me feel less sad or meet new like-minded people (like i had hoped it would). Maybe I am at a different place. I am going to go back for one more meeting. I am hoping that people open up (more for some and less for others) and treat it like the real world and seek coping skills it will be fantastic. It's ok that someone else has had a baby - No i have not had a baby, yes i want one with all my heart. But knowing that they got to the other side of the fence provides me hope and encouragement. They can relate to my emotions. They, now that they have crossed over, still can't just decide to have another baby and pee on a stick and see a positive mark. .. It's still very raw for them ..I imagine it's not any easier ... it's like riding a bike i assume. I wish our meeting could have been more zen like - like a shelter from the IF storm. I wish i could have not been so insanely timid and recluse. I did not make a good impression of myself... Gosh - i hate when i do that to myself. I dunno why I clam up - it gets old .....The next meeting is going to be better- I am going to try and meet 1 new person

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Updates and Distractions

Reminder: Resolve is FINALLY starting a group in Tampa July 11th (today). Here is the information:
The Tampa, FL Peer-Led Support Group meets the second Wednesday of every month from 7PM-9PM beginning July 11. The July meeting will feature Kathy Foundatin, MS, LMHC, on the topic of "Coping with the stress of infertility." For more information or to RSVP, please call 727.612.0573.

I just want to pass this along. I don't know anyone that reads my blog that lives in Florida - but I'm posting this again anyways. If you are reading this and you are near Tampa - can't wait to see you there.

Also, um the DR's Office called me first thing this morning to congratulate me on ovulating and Nurse Perky was a doll. I expressed to her that I haven't ever made it this far in a cycle and I'm completely overwhelmed and embarking new territory and I had alot of thoughts swirling in my brain. She spent about 15-20 mins on the phone with me assuring me that I didn't need progesterone suppositories yet and that the only thing i need to do is on July 20th, I need to POAS .. YES the HCG ones ............................ (long pause) ..This is assuming that I do not get my period, and as much as i want that to not happen, it's uncharted water is quite freaking the F*%& out of me. Also, I have this auto immune thingy that doesn't like me to stay pregnant, so as soon as I get a + result, I have to call the office and run to the pharmacy and fill my Rx of prednisone and lovenox. I am also scheduled for a beta July 23rd. WOAH ... too far away but not soon enough .... I am feeling SUPER bi-polar because this is the most success I have had and i really want it to result in a BFP. That will be the greatest Birthday present ever. On the other hand, would that be too much good stuff in one cycle? Aren't I being alittle greedy?? I should be happy and overjoyed that I even got this far, I keep hearing "you ungrateful human".... (do you see my bi-polar disease?) Trust me, I am by far ungrateful and not in the least downplaying the exurbanite amount of excitement I feel.... all this thinking while trying to just relax all at the same time. Boy, It's Super Fantastic. (<---------- sarcasm here) On the plus side(i think) my boobs are KILLING ME. This started a few days ago and seem to be getting more sore and tender by the day (clo.mid??)

Monday, July 9, 2007

Rainbows and Butterflies

So, It's CD 20- trip to the RE to measure my p4. I have been still receiving positive OPK's the past 4 days and I got a little worried. (seems i worry about everything lately). I Had a new nurse, we will call her Nurse IDK (i don''t know). She didn't know the answer to ANYTHING. I told her that I was worried about my OPK's being positive for so many days, and that a book I have states that this could be from your body trying to release and egg but never actually releasing it. I was wondering if that may be my case Since I never have ovulated before and if so could I get a trigger shot? (yes, i know I am going to be the death of myself) She blew it off and told me not to worry so much and that injectibles may screw with OPK's. I told her that I wasn't doing injectibles, and she said well "i dunno what clomid really does and I wouldn't really worry about it"!!! I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME, I'm in the RE's office aren't I ???? (this is a woman that has a picture of her and her family of 6 hanging in her office) SO OF COURSE she doesn't know what clomid is ..... LORD Help me!!! Then I expressed to her that getting blood from my puny pathetic veins is most effective when done with a butterfly. She insists, and actually prides herself on being able to accommodate uncooperative veins. I assure her that I do not doubt her excellent-ness but just wanted her to heed my warning... 1 stick .. no blood, 2 sticks, no blood, swirl the needle around to find the vein ... no blood....... Next arm ..... repeat same as above. She chimes in that just maybe I was right about needing a butterfly needle?!!?!?!?! So finally, after 6 sticks later and a butterfly needle ( and i drank a 24 oz bottle of water before i got there so I know I was not dehydrated) we finally got just enough blood to perform 1 test. Thank GAWD I didn't have to do more than 1 test today, Nurse IDK would have had to work "extra hard" today. I waited and waited for my results. Finally at 4pm, they called and told me that Yup, Confirmed Ovulation and that my number is 7.5 . Once again as much as I am excited, I am worried. Isn't it supposed to be 10 or higher? But keep in mind I didn't ovulate until CD17 so technically I am 3DPO. The Nurse would called me back, told me that they would get my results to the Dr tomorrow. I think I may call the office tomorrow and ask if i should be taking some form of Progesterone. Anyone that understand these numbers - PLEASE weigh in your opinions as for if I may want/need to supplement progest..... I am all new to this because my P4 /CD21 number is usually <1.

*****FYI Blogger won' t let me Title my posts ?!?!?! *thanks sarah - it now has a title

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Tainted Love

Many of you know the woes that infertility brings, so I don't need to list them in bullet form. The one that was completely over the top of us this weekend was PRESSURED baby makin'! As you know, I got my very first + opk yesterday (and actually today too) in 2 yrs. Apparently, just as we are completely stoked, we both are feelin the extra pressure. We have been capitalizing on the + opk (every other day at the high mark on my cbe monitor - now we are doing a lil extra for good measure and insurance). As much as I know that my husband is not a machine and that no one really agrees on how long it takes to replenish a decent amount of sperm in between "sessions", I am encouraging him to take extra vitamins and drink LOTS of water. ** please don't tell me that every other day is better- this is my coping skill at the moment, and trust me, It's no sex-athon...To us, this is like Haley's Comet ... and we want to make the most of it. We may(or may not) get another chance at this for a long time and need to be at maximum operations and functions. The problem with this is ........... say it with me: MORE ADDED PRESSURE/strain. We all know that an infertile can not stand to hear "just relax" and this "just relax" method doesn't seem to prevail... but BY GEORGE I wish I could "just relax" while we are attempting to make a baby. Would't that be a novel idea. Believe it or not, I am actually much calmer than normal this cycle(as of right now). Do not get my wrong, I'm not a complete ball-o-nerves, but today, during one of our "extra attempts", the pressure got to my husband and he totally froze. Freaked, Wigged out... call it what you want. This made me feel 24000000% guilty. (reminder post) He apologized and was able to verbalize his added pressures of the mechanics to me and being that my husband is probably the calmest, well natured man on the planet, I insisted that we stop. Him thinking he had to apologize just melted me. It was too much, we both ended in tears (he is going to kill me for posting this). I had to insist that we stop. I, at no cost, want to put my marriage/sex life in jeopardy more than I already have. (or do I??) He has told me on many occasions that it's like i "want a wham, bam, hurry up and finish after I insert a quater in his mouth" .. so Yes our intimacy has been compromised by the scars of infertility for years now. (as I am sure everyone reading this completely understands- and if you don't understand ..please OOO please send me your tips) The spice, the sparkle, the romance, at times, is just gone. It dwindled away years ago, after months of nothingness followed by miscarriages followed up by more nothingness. Do we still love each other, absolutely!! Do we discuss how the mechanics of bady makin' has interfered with our ability to connect physically at times?, Yes, at great lengths. But honestly, there isn't much to talk about. I was taught for like 20+ years that sex = baby. And, now dealing with the reality that sex does not = baby at times. I have heard, and once partook in the sex as a recreation, but now, I consider that a has-been or a myth or some sweet lil movie plot. I know that because I am a sufferer of infertility, I have a scewed, jaded and tainted view with a front row seat. I am told that, "it gets easier". I am hangin' on to that. I cannot wait until the scars get to be burned off. Until then, we will make the best of what we have to work with together.

Friday, July 6, 2007

I have now seen the Loch Ness Monster at the Peak

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I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. I have NEVER seen this result on my CBE monitor. I am as giddy as a school girl ... and my husband is quite happy too ;)


OKOK, now that that shock as warn off.. I need to calrify that .. for most women, this is not a photo documentary moment. BUT for one that has been tested and tested and testing and testing for over 2 years and NEVER got a positive OPK.... I am elated!!! I was busting at the seams on my way to work in the car ... i was even tearful and overwhlemed with joy ... this is a milestone for me .. i am celebrating !!!!!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

i know .. geez 2 posts in one day ... But hope this helps someone

I just spent 2 more hours of my life on the phone with this insurance company. I just received a letter from them stating that my current policy offers reduced treatment/prescription costs if I visit one of their approved Fertility Specialists using this special program that is ALREADY on my current policy. I do not completely understand it yet, and my current RE is not an approved provider. I registered at that website to see what I could learn. I also placed a call with his insurance advisor and I hope she will call me back and I can let her know about this program as well (if she doesn't already know). Maybe they can become a provider and if not, It's not to late in the game for me to switch ... (as much as I really don't want to) I just wanted to pass this along and try to help out as much as I can on getting all this non-sense insurance crap out to as many people as possible. I know and understand financial burdens well.
Go visit Trish (if you haven't already). She got more than a fireworks show last night!

CD 16 .. still no prediction from the ovulation kits. I am trying not ot get down about it really. But the lines of hte opk are getting lighter and lighter. BUT the test lines are also getting lighter too... Weird I tell ya.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

OK ...... TMI ...... Don't know what to Say

I have a confession to make: remember Sunday/Monday at 2 am when i was up praying to the porcelain goddess .... Well it was right after we had our prescribed romantic sexy time. I was up for hours laying next to the toilet ... WOW rough night. Ok its now Midnight, once again after our prescribed romantic sexy time, and once again, I am running back and forth the the bathroom........ feeling insanely nauseous as hell and such (and such is to make it seem less like a big deal). Seriously, WTF is wrong with me?? Anyone experience this? I am honestly afraid to consult with Dr. Go.ogle, there is no telling what I may find. You askm Am I nervous? YES, as would anyone doing fertility treatments. I am scared that history will repeat itself and I will not ovulate - BUT will this make me puke my guts out after sex??? Does Cl.moid have this type of power/side effect?? The first thing I thought of is maybe endometriosis also?!?!!?! ... Do you throw up and feel insanely nauseous after sex with Endo? Won't that be a grand combo PCOS and Endo?!?!?! Anyone ever experience this at all?? Have any advice? It's an awful feeling. Yes, I know I am complaining about puking. Please do not think that I am forgetting that some woman get morning sickness when they are pregnant. Trust me, I will puke for nine months straight BUT I BETTER GET A BABY OUT OF IT... This on the other hand ..is driving me insane

Not much to report

I still just have a high on the CBE montitor - Ovulation Stick looks the same color its been for 3 days - just not quite dark enough to be the same color as the test stick .... alil less nauseousness ( not spending time with the porcelain goddess at least) but VERY bloated still ... hopefully its still early and I will ovulate soon . ... We'll see ?!!?!?!

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Anticipation ..It's a matter of Time (i hope)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Well, I have been POAS 2 times a day since day CD9. Watching the line get darker and darker (just not quite dark enough, yet). This morning (CD 12) my CBE Monitor represented the high reading. So it should be soon. ( i hope) As long as I have had this CBE Monitor, (since Aug. 06) I have yet to see it go from high to peak representing an ovulation. So I am looking forward to this very much so. Although, I have heard that c.lomid messes up the monitor readings. (that is why I am using the ol' fashion sticks too) Today I have felt bloated, thirsty and extremely sleepy (slept til 9 am, watched tv/laundry, took a nap at 2ish - 5ish and still feel really exhausted for no reason) I had a headache earlier this morning. I am assuming these are all lingering side effects. Hope everyone had a great weekend.
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***** Update - It's 2 am, and I should be sleeping but instead I am awake and very sick to my stomach, praying to the porcelain goddess... I am hoping it was ovulation related. Maybe it is/maybe it isn't. Now I am going to look up OHSS. I don't know if this is related. cripes... Hopefully a more positive update soon*********